THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO) DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS:New Wave Legends, House Guests, Dealing with Preacher Profs, & The Post-Grad Blues

"I don't want to kiss you, I don't want to touch. I don't want to see you, 'cause I don't miss you that much."

- ELVIS COSTELLO,
The song "No Action," [VIDEO]
This Year's Model (Radar UK, 1978)

Because, well, my life decisions, while frustrating, are way less confusing than George Clooney's, apparently. Over 30 and concerned less with starting a family and getting married than I am about that article I read last month in Mother Jones...

* * * *

"Look, you're a man and you're a little more comfortable [with maintaining a blog under a horribly kept local "secret" online persona]. I'm a 22-year-old tiny-ass woman, skinny and light-skinned and boobs and all ... you have a sketchy-ass brother come up to you in a club, talking about how he loves what you wrote, creepin', it's different..."

"Man, what the fuck? ... You have all these books on witchcraft and demons and weird shit ... you're a librarian... and, haha, in your glasses? How can you say you're offended by being called Giles?"

- G-MONEY DA HOUSECAT,
Former Woman of Color Blogger,
On her recent visit to Oxford

So... some folks know this already, but I spent a good portion of the last month playing host to a former blogger - and ex, by the way - who made me promise not to put up a "real" post based on our time together. I did not, however, promise to not put up quotes...

So yeah, I keep things offline... sometimes.

* * * *

"Sometimes I feel like professors hide behind their degrees and classes end up feeling like... I dunno... like we're all there to just shut up, like, accept EVERYTHING they believe even if it has nothing to do with class. Sorry for whining..."

- LOCAL U. UNDERGRAD,
Via email, Nov. 12

Seriously... If you're a university student and you feel like you're in a class where the instructor's diverging from the syllabus and course description (both of which a generally viewed as contracts between grader and the graded), it's your responsibility and right (sorry... no getting anybody else to do it for you!) to meet with the instructor and air your concerns in a rational, responsible manner.

Don't wait for a course evaluation form and let a chance for real learning in a class you're paying for pass you by - in all honesty, it's the student who loses when they don't raise hand in classes to say "I disagree" or "Dr.___, what about the other side?" or take advantage of office hours - faculty can't read minds (though some, heh, librarians do read your tarot cards over beer Uptown.)

* * * *

"You guys are such pigs! Do you know how offensive and sexist it is to compare women to disposable razors that you can just throw away? Now, men on the other hand... you all are the disposable ones..."

- DUFFY McUGGS, Oct. 31
Local U. undergrad,
Bringing equality to sexism

See, there's no way to really take the sex out of sexism, especially when there's alcohol involved. Unless, well, you're one of those overly-sensitive prudes who really wishes we could just simply neuter and spay every human being with a sex drive.

* * * *

"Ugh... why didn't you, like, warn me about how fucking dark and depressing life after college is? How hard it is? It, like, fucking SUCKS!"

- UNEMPLOYED ENGINEER, Nov. 7
On the Post-Graduation Blues in a Recession

I thought I'd mentioned that, actually. Dammit. Must be getting old.

* * * *

"Ohmygosh! You're that blog person!"

"Uh, yeah... probably."

"Oh, well, that's great! [Digging through Fendi bag for a flier] Would you mind doing a blog about this? We're doing a fundraiser -"

"Um, chica, I don't take press releases. But I can get you the fax number for the paper..."

- COMMON CONVERSATION No. 238
At work a few weeks ago.

I'm not a media outlet and I generally don't take requests. But I'll be polite about it. Kinda nice to be thought of as a media outlet...

And yeah, a shitload of the Local U's female undergrads - even some of the drag queens - can afford Fendi handbags. Met a few who have one for class and one to go with their nightwear. Actually, I'm a bit worried that I actually know what the hell that means, fashion-wise.

* * * *

"Well that's just ice cream sex with a champagne moneyshot, love."

- ANONYMOUS,
Via online chat,
Glasgow, Scotland

- # # # -

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO) DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS: Fucking Insane Library Funding Cuts, Rattled Chains, Fashion Mishaps, & Other Nonsense

"Governor Strickland, in proposing to cut almost a quarter-billion in public library funding, has essentially declared war on intellectual freedom and the public's access to information. Should this budget pass, whole generations of Ohioans will suffer in terms of quality of life, community, and public welfare."

- THE ZENFO PRO,
"Official" library blogger response
To the Ohio Democrat's budget.

Because cutting support to libraries during a recession is akin to cutting police officer salaries during a riot.

* * * *

"What the fuck?!? So is he trying to intentionally make sure Ohio's full of fucking dumb people?"

- AN OXFORD RESIDENT
& PUBLIC LIBRARY PATRON,
Upon hearing about the governor's planned cuts

One of probably a thousand such comments I've heard from folks around the state.

* * * *

Where do bad folks go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
They go down to the lake of fire and fry
Won't see them again till the fourth of July...

- THE MEAT PUPPETS, "Lake of Fire,"
Music and lyrics by C. Kirkwood, 1984

For the record, yes, the United states used to be known for producing great rock music NOT prepackaged by some reality television exec.

* * * *

"Do you hear...chains? I can't stand the sound of chains."

"Dude, that's just your half-black heritage reacting to four hundred years of oppression and slavery."

- BARROOM CONVERSATION,
June 23, Oxford Fucking Ohio

* * * *

"... Goddamn, I used to get an erection flying over Vietnam..."

- MASTER WANE-FU, U.S. Army (Ret.),

June 19, Local watering Hole

I'd tell his Thai hookers in Saigon story, but the man is rumored to be able to kill at fifty yards with only a plastic spoon and a rubber band...

* * * *

"We have a center-right party and a crazy party. And over the last thirty-odd years, Democrats have moved to the right, and the Right has moved into a mental hospital."

- BILL MAHER, opening monologue, June 19,
"Real Time with Bill Maher,"
HBO television series

Couldn't have said it better myself.

* * * *

"California's broke as a motherfucker. In fact, it's so broke it can't afford a mother to fuck, dude."

- ANONYMOUS, May 22,
On life in the Golden State

* * * *

"Well, guys don't seem to get that painting and writing, for me, is the ultimate aphrodisiac. I think art is that way for a lot of women - hey, you stand a better chance with me in a museum or library than a fucking bar."

- LOCAL U. ALUM, Class of 2005
Uptown Oxford, Reunion Weekend

Well, with the threat of even further cuts to Ohio's libraries and museums, guess a lot of guys won't ever get that chance...

* * * *

"You're nowhere near fashionable. You're like the Antichrist of Fashion or something. Do you own anything BUT black tee shirts and jeans?"

- AN UNDERGRAD FASHION CRITIC,
On my wardrobe choices

Black tees and jeans never go out of style. But another undergrad blog lurker's critique of my "denim shorts with Dr. Martens and blue socks" ensemble at work was, well, dead-on...

- # # # -

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO) DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS: Politics, Philosophy, Obscenities, Baseball, Sex, Virgins, White People, Economics...

"The revolution will not be televised, but it may be hungover the next morning."

- THE ZENFO PRO, April 2,
During a conversation at a bar

Amazing how alcohol can foster discussions about Marxism, Economy, Anarchism,Classical liberalism vs. Rousseau-esque points of philosophical individualism, Capitalism, Mutualism, Federalism, Jeffersonian ideals, Trotskyism...

Heh. Story of my life lately.

* * * *

"The problem with mass protests like [the G20 Protests] in London and [the NATO protests] is that half the folks who show up think there's such a thing as a bloody football riot for peace or circus sideshow for progress..."

- Fellow round-table participant,

At a recent "Anti-Conference"

Um, yeah. The biggest issue with mass protests is that they don't necessarily foster mass resistance to established policies in meaningful ways, often reinforce stereotypes of small-s solidarity by refusing to do anything more than wave a few signs for the cameras and brick a few windows to intentionally force the hand of an equally exploited-by-the-system police force...

* * * *

"So when are you going to quit being such a whore and hooking up with eighteen-year-olds?"

- HAMPSTER McSPACY,
Female friend, March 30,
Over usual lunchtime discussion topics

C'mon... I haven't slept with an eighteen-year-old in months. It's not like I go trolling for young women - it was my 30th birthday and, well, the Big Three-Oh does lead guys to make some bad calls.

* * * *

"Mom, THIS is Oxford's OMG BADASS librarian, the blogger guy Dad likes! He's like a [Local U] legend."

- TINY LIL GREEK, March 27,
Introducing me to her mom during
a Sorority Mom Weekend

I guess blogging for five years was bound to have some interesting side effects. Let me tell you, it is a very humbling experience to be introduced to an undergrad's mother, only to have the mother critique your "anti-conservative" influence on her traditionally Republican family AND buy you a round.

* * * *

“This crisis was caused by the irrational behavior of white people with blue eyes, who before the crisis appeared to know everything and now demonstrate that they know nothing.”

- LUIZ INACIO LULA de SILVA,
Brazilian President, March 26, London,
On who crashed the Global Economy

Well, it ain't like El Salvadorans, Algerians, or Mongolians were investing millions in overpriced Florida and California real estate, or buying into Ponzi schemes...

* * * *

"I AM.... SENOR BUKKAKE!"

- The strangest thing I've ever heard
a COMPLETELY SOBER FRAT KID
yell across a street at a woman

* * * *

"Economists are educated more in what doesn't or used to work than what will work today or tomorrow. It's like our policy is in the hands of everybody who ever failed a freshman econ class."

- FLEX FURY, economist, April 4,
On how our "the best American minds"
are "solving" the global recession

Said while Flex was rather lit up on Jägermeister. And it makes sense on so many levels.

* * * *

"At what point does a girl give up and buy stock in vibrators? Like seriously? All guys want is...ugh... pussy and a place to sleep."

- UNHAPPY SINGLE GIRL,
March 21, Hamilton, Ohio

Well, not all guys...

* * * *

"You have a marvelous virgin."

- HILLARY CLINTON, U.S. Secretary of State,
During a recent diplomatic mission to Mexico

No comment. Actually, still choking on my coffee. Hold on...

* * * *

"Age is like the ultimate creeper, dude. It follows you around, acting sketchy, and freaks you out at night when you think about it."

- VERY WISE SECOND-YEAR UNDERGRAD,
April 2, on why she's not as excited as her
friends at the thought of turning 21...

* * * *

"As the Reds go, so too goes Cincinnati. And as the Indians go... Cleveland will probably just set Lake Erie on fire again."

- ANONYMOUS, April 6,
On the start of the baseball season
for both of Ohio's major league teams.

You know, if there's one thing I love about Ohio, it's the wit, dedication, and warmth of the state's sports fans. Some of the best in North America...

- # # # -

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO) DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS: Ringing in 2009 with Donut-Covered Boobs, Ranty Emails, and Destroyed Lucky Jerseys...

"I'm not drunk, I'm surreal sober. Now put that somewhere... wait... did somebody take my bra off?"

- Recently minted Local U. alumna,
On her last weekend in Oxford

Yeah, we'll leave it at that. Fun first weekend back in ol' Oxford Fucking Ohio, really. And I can honestly say that I've never eaten a donut off of a drunk woman's tits before last Friday night.

* * * *

"Hey, it worked in Blazing Saddles..."

- A Buddy's Facebook Status,
The Day After the U.S. Presidential Election

True enough. Maybe Hillary will unite the world by holding a chili bean fart-off in an effort to end the Iraq fiasco?

* * * *

"Until I was fourteen, I divided humanity into three categories: women, little girls, and buffoons."

- From Le Sabotage amoureux (1993),
by Belgian novelist Amélie Nothomb,
English translation, 2000

One of the most disturbingly hilarious French-language writers living today. A blog reader recommended this book to me before Christmas; I haven't laughed that much while reading a European writer in a long time...

Ha, while Tom Waits may be big in Japan, apparently I'm big in France...

* * * *

"Baltimore Ravens fans are all murdering egomaniacs. You suck, The Wire sucks, your team sucks, and you're unOhio for being a Ravens fan."

- A Cleveland Browns fan/Ex,
via drunken voicemail, Jan. 7,
On my choice of sports teams

Hey, it's not my fault Ohio's pro football teams are, well, pathetic. Blame the ownership. And while I may suck, The Wire is one of the best urban crime dramas ever. Thanks for returning my Ray Lewis jersey, albeit vandalized, after three fucking years.

Hope you enjoy the remnants of your Grady Sizemore jersey. The delivery driver who picked it up said his company often returns boxes full of ashes to loved ones. Especially Cleveland Indians baseball fans...

* * * *

"This presidential inauguration is brought to you by your starving friends at Corporate Welfare. Remember: for the price of a few hundred billion in taxpayer bailouts, you too can accomplish wallet-padding Change CEOs Can Believe In (by privately financing Rick Warren and Oprah's pet goat.)"

- The ZenFo Pro, via email,
To someone "shocked and appalled"
he "refuses to trust and accept change..."

The natural enemy of the People is the State, I told my Republican-voting mother over Christmas, And the moment the People's Hero becomes the State, he becomes not a savior but the same old incompetant tyrant in a new suit.

Best not to bring that subject up with someone who is completely not buying the Hope shit. I think I've made that pretty much clear as day. I'm, politically, a Libertarian Lefty - why would I change my views to accommodate yet another flavor of American Neoliberalism?

* * * *

"Just you watch - one day, those motherfuckers are gonna start having Martin Luther King Day sales...Free At Last, Buy One Get One Freedom sales..."

- Angry Black Activist,
On What's Wrong with MLK Day.

No explanation needed, really. And I wouldn't put it past retailers.

* * * *

"I think I may have broke my penis."

- C'mon, who HASN'T slammed
a that in the car door before?

-# # # -

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO) DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS: Of Voter Choice, Crab Fries, Murder Rap, and Staring at a Woman's Nests in Private

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THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO) DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS: Blog Awards, Deodorant for the Parts that Matter, Old Bigots and Drag Shows

"Well, I’m presenting it to another bad motherfucker who knows when it’s time to hit delete and when he has something worth posting, so without further adieu I present The Golden Delete Key Award to The Zenformation Professional."

- THE WOEFUL LIBRARIAN,
@ Your Library, Aug. 1

This really cracked me up when I read it - I wasn't sure if I should write a speech in the comments box, or if I should pull a Marlon Brando and have some former beauty pageant contestant dressed in Native American garb decline the award on my behalf as some sort of protest...

Seriously. No fucking clue what to do with blog awards.

So I'm passing this award on, to the wonderful Pia Savage at Courting Destiny, for choosing to wade out of the political gossip muck that most popular bloggers focus on these days and into a much more dynamic world of blogging focused to fiction, exploratory essays, and writings about living life to the fullest with a nonverbal learning disorder, surviving in a post-9/11 New York, and moving to South Carolina.

That takes a set and a half, trust me. There's more to life than just politics. But when one gets tired of writing about the liars, crooks, and thieves that govern us, well, the online armchair quarterbacks tend to be unforgiving.

And with Courting celebrating its fourth birthday this month, Pia deserves more than a blog award. With some of the nastiness she experienced from her political writing days, she's a living testament to the fact that, yeah, we need a blogger's equivalent of the Purple Heart...

* * * *

"And hey. Let's be careful out there."

- SGT. PHIL ESTERHAUS (Michael Conrad),
from Hill Street Blues, television series.

Recently, I've been spending quite a bit of time wallowing in my own 1980s childhood nostalgia, thanks to the first two seasons of this landmark television series now being available on DVD. No clue why the remaining seasons (the series ran on NBC domestically 1981-1987) have yet to be released. But, well, if you're too young to remember it, well, give it a shot.

I used to watch this show with my mother, curled up on the couch. Now that I'm older, wiser, and able to get some of the adult humor...

* * * *

"Touch that laptop, and I'll cut you, mister."

- A wayward, grad school shopping traveler,
Whilst crashing in the ol' Fortress of Solitude

Why is it that there are people who feel the need to tell me what I CAN'T put online? Especially when all they would have to do is explain to the men in their lives (I spent two nights sleeping between two women on a tiny full sized mattress) that, yes, we all slept in the same bed together because I don't have a guest bed or couch?

Jeez.

The alums from one of my alma maters are just as strange as the Local U. alums when it comes to worrying that I'll somehow use one too many euphemisms and start an argument over something that didn't happen.

And no, nothing happened. Though an apartment without air conditioning...

* * * *

"Look, chicks don't understand. Swamp ass and chafing are the two greatest threats to Mankind's manhood. Maybe not Womankind's womanhood, but..."

- DR. TAINTSTICK, whose idea to keep a second tube
of antiperspirant handy for the ol' scrotum
deserves a Nobel Prize

Seriously. Five guys sat around on the steps of an almost deserted bar a few weeks ago, holding an impromptu Swamp Ass Caucus. And yes, there are things about men women just will never understand.

For the record, Old Spice... tingles. But, working out or out on the trail, wow.

* * * *

"He's just a boy. I dunno. I think I'm ready at this point in my life for a real man."

- A 12 or 13-year-old girl, overheard at
The Oxford Summer Music Festival

Took me three hours to quit laughing. Kids are the darnedest things. Two young girls were bickering back and forth between themselves in an alley behind the bar I frequent.

* * * *

"You know, I'm sick and tired of a few queers ruining [the Local U.]'s reputation with stupid drag shows. No way in hell is it that popular!"

"It's one of Oxford's biggest tourist attractions, for a good cause, and, well--"

"I don't give money to THIS university to help faggots get outta closets!"

"Well, I don't give a shit about cold-hearted bigots, but I'm still letting you have your say..."

- Heated conversation with a middle-aged,
obviously drunk Local U. Alumnus last week.

This was the closest I've come to dragging a guy out of a nice restaurant and beating him within an inch of his white-slacks-and-deck-shoes life in several years. Normally, I can deal diplomatically with hatemongers of all sorts - Klansmen, Aryan Brotherhood and Christian Identity members, anti-Semites and Radical New World Zionists, Brown and Black Power types, etc...

The only thing that stopped me? His saint of a best friend from his college years, who reminded me that, yes, even off the clock I - along with the thousands of other employees of my greater institution - still represent the ideal of a diverse educational landscape that values all opinions, even unpopular ones. Fisticuffs two blocks from the Local U. campus would accomplish nothing, aside from possible arrest and a trip to the unemployment line for yours truly.

The Spectrum Drag Show, in recent years, has become one of this community's biggest tourist attractions. The AIDS charity events draw hundreds of people and thousands of dollars into Oxford, which helps the Local U., businesses, and the city itself in terms of public image and revenue. I'm proud, too, to call some of those drag queens friends - they really do make for some gorgeous ladies.

And hey, how many Oxford Fucking Ohio hetero bloggers pose for a quick pic with one of the drag show's founders, Barry from QueerCincinnati? Yeah, the guy's an out-and-proud Local U. alum - and has as much right to be who he wants to be in this town as your average straight alum from the 1960s, 1970s, or even 2008.

What good would it do to be involved in just another drunken brawl on the sidewalk, over someone twenty years my senior being unable to cope with change?

With true diversity comes tolerance. And with tolerance comes that understanding that everybody has a right to their own opinions - even opinions one doesn't agree with.

* * * *

"You can pretty much milk anything with nipples."

- TONE TANK,
"Only in America" [MP3],
The Black Six Sessions
[Free EP, ScumLife 2008]

This one lyric has been stuck in my head ever since I first downloaded this song a few months ago.

Tone Tank, one half of the Brooklyn indie duo Iller Than Theirs, has released probably one of the best rap tracks of 2008. And, well, the whole EP is completely free. Check it out.

Seriously.

- # # # -

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO) DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS: Super Senior Class of 2008 Edition

Some nights it's just simpler to go home with a bottle of vodka than to go hook up with random guys. Like every Thursday through Saturday... huh... since September.

- VIA EMAIL
Columbus, Ohio
April 22

No comment. Sounds like the perfect Buckeye date, actually.

* * * *

Fuck me! Dad, guess what? Holy fucking shit! I'm graduating! NO REALLY. Oh Wha? No, I wasn't swearing...

- OVERHEARD PHONE CONVERSATION
Right outside my office Thursday

Congrats, chica.

* * * *

Every guy in this town has at least one Germ-X in the Ol' Pee Hole morning.

- TANK FRANKLIN
Uptown Oxford, May 3

Sad but true. Seriously.

I once had a snake brother of mine tell me that he was glad I "looked clean," since I was three guys back in his ex-girlfriend's history. Fortunately we were both rather intoxicated, because, well, the whole conversation left wondering about the guys before me... and whether or not they "looked clean" ... and...

And Oxford Fucking Ohio is just like every other small college town in America. That's the scary part...

* * * *

LIBRARIAN! WE'RE DOING TEQUILA SHOTS, BITCH! I'M FUCKING DONE! This sucks... we could've been hanging out, like, all this time and now - NOW! - we're finally being drunk idiots offline...

- LOCAL U., CLASS OF 2008,
Pre-graduation Party, May 7

I hugged more random women this past week, Finals Week at the Local U., than I've ever hugged in my entire life. And, yeah, trust me, your BFFs are gonna think you're off your meds if you invite that guy you met online to a post Final Exam party.

* * * *

Oh God. I don't think I can get the whole thing in my mouth. I mean, it's sooo big... Hey! What's so funny?

- A CERTAIN GRADUATING UNDERGRAD BLOGGER,
While finally taking shot with another Web 2.0 comrade

Stephan!e has had more blog personas (Ogbuefi Stephi, Free Rad!cal R!t!ngs, Free Rad!cals, This is my Document, The Avocado Couch, etc.) than anybody else in town.

And, well, for a social justice, living wage, and indy media activist, she's... kinda... hot. I mean, well, it's not that I was, well, checking her out or anything, but, heh... the world needs more cute Socialists.

Last time we hung out? December 2005. We just kept saying "Hey, let's go grab a drink sometime..." for three fucking years. And now, well, she's an alum and - sigh! - I'm still a librarian with a blog.

* * * *

You know how much I love Guinness. It is my soup, my cup of tea, my mouthwash, my holy water, my milk for my cornflakes, my maple syrup for my pancakes. It is my first, my last, my deep voiced everything.

From "They're Wreckin' the Gaff,"
TWENTY MAJOR
Dublin, Ireland, May 9

For those Guinness drinkers stateside (and around the world) who haven't heard yet, the stout's parent company is expected to sell portions of the legendary St. James's Gate Brewery estate and lay off several dozen people as part of corporate restructuring plan.

Money. Screw two-and-a-half centuries of history, boys. Land prices are skyrocketing out on the Emerald Isle and there's quick cash to be made...

I almost cried reading TM's piece Friday. And this lead for a blog post is one of the most gut-wrenching I've read in months. Believe it or not, but, well, their are Irish bloggers who are a thousand times better at storytelling than their across-the-pond counterparts.

* * * *

So does it, like, make you mad when girls my age [19] talk about the 90s like they were ancient? I mean, you don't look bad for your age or anything... though you smell like a guy who works at the mall and he's kinda old... like 35 or something...

- ZFP BATCAVE FINALS WEEK GUEST
May 5, approximately 2:46 AM

I think I'm more pissed I was compared to anything found in a shopping mall than I am about being made to feel like turning 30 this month makes me a senior citizen.

Oh well. Guess I'd better get back to the old folks' home, before I miss Tapioca Pudding Night -- you wouldn't believe the strip show Gertrude does when they put on the Jimmy Dorsey records...

* * * *

Dear Jason,
Editor, The Zenformation Professional:
I'm writing to ask for your help in building a new America. By supporting ______ 2008, you will be helping to bring about change...

- POLITICAL SPAM,
from a local ______2008 supporter,
Before the Ohio Primaries

------

Dear _______:

Okay sick of this shit. Sorry to be rude, but piss off. For the thousandth time, I don't VOTE IN PRIMARIES!!! I'm an independent voter. And I don't participate in systems meant to maintain the status quo of the two-party circle jerk.... P.S. -- I'm thinking about voting for Bob Dylan this year. At least he had the balls to go electric at Newport without anybody else's help.

- THE ZENFO PRO
Shortly thereafter
(After a few rounds in Indiana)

Seriously. I'm not going to endorse anybody for President of these United States, not going to blog about it, debate it, or pretend like any of the folks on the ballot are doing anything but playing the same ol' game to win the White House.

And frankly, I don't care who you, the reader, thinks I should vote for. Please don't feel insulted -- I don't give a shit about who my family, friends, exes, coworkers, fellow bloggers, etc., think I should vote for, either.

Editor? Lord... What part of "It's a goddamn fucking small-town life blog, and I just write when I have time, about whatever fucking floats my boat..." don't some people get?

* * * *

Man, actually, squirrel tastes like squirrel. Ain't nothing wrong with a little squirrel for dinner. Only thing better's poon. Well, sometimes, squirrel's better...

- THE HILLBILLY SCHOLAR
Whilst drinking, Late April

The Hillbilly Scholar, believe it or not, is probably one of the most likable, thought-provoking redneck conversationalists in the Northern Hemisphere. Even the young ladies we were talking to seemed mesmerized by his rural Ohio magic.

And hey, I just love me some deep-fried tree rat. Seriously. Good eats. And, yeah, when the hindquarters are prepared just right, well, it can be better than sex. Don't knock it until you've tried it.

* * * *

Paper. Finished. Need. Tanning bed. Stat. Move to Oregon. I put out. You're cute for a blogger. Thanks for scanning that.

- FROM A WEST COAST UNDERGRAD,
Via instant message, April 16

Well, sometimes an undergrad finds a blog while Googling for information concerning Oxford Fucking Ohio's official response to a local noose-filled art project. And sometimes they email requests for research help because the blogger in question, like, works at a library and wrote an opinion piece that she'd like to cite in a paper.

* * * *

...So, yeah. Fire Biscuit. It suits him.

- WALDO VON NASTY and FATSUIT MCUMMINGS,
Describing how, exactly,
their rather strange roommate
earned his nickname.

Inside joke, but, well, Waldo's girlfriend likes these Quotations posts. Um, yeah. There's a reason why that extra bedroom in my apartment stays empty.

Fire Biscuit? Yep. Fire Biscuit.

- # # # -

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO) DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS: Of One-legged Vampire Hunters, Sexless Restlessness, and "Vag Badger" Parents

So... Your New Year's resolution was to... swear off sex? Like all sex? Or just sex with crazy women? Oh my gosh...why?

- One very shocked blog reader,
Over coffee, in the ZenFo Pro Library's cafe.

Yup. There is nothing quite like a workplace conversation with a reader over my lack of, er, entertaining posts lately.

Actually, for the record, I've sworn off random, pointless sex - in Oxford, well, one often falls into the trap of simply hooking up to kill boredom. And no offense to certain local blog readers, but, well, I've sworn off going home with ya'll - and I swore off anything younger than 22 a long time ago.

Though I'm flattered by some of the rather forward offers...

Not very healthy and, well, there are better things I could be doing with my time. Do you know how much reading I've done since Jan. 1? How productive I've been without unnecessary drama in my life? Hell, even I've been awestruck by my surge in energy, thought, and creativity.

Sex? Pfft. I've been passed around like a Megachurch collection plate. I'd kinda like to, well, one day, remember what it's like to be able to care enough to remember a woman's last name or enjoy her scent on my pillow for more than a few days at a time...

Ya know. Like a normal guy.

* * * *

She's NOT a cougar. Cougars aren't WHORES! She's a Vag Badger. Cougars eat you; Vag Badgers take you home, molest you, and steal your fucking money!

Vag. [Points to crotch.] Badger. [Hands raised like claws.] Grrrr. Quote me on that, dude.

- Slightly intoxicated young woman,
Describing how she really feels about her stepmom

Your wish, madam, is my command. And, having been mauled by drunken Local U. moms and stepmoms myself on certain sorority mother weekends, yeah...

One should always be on the lookout for Vag Badgers. Worse than Cunt Kittens, Cock Knockers, or even, yes, regular old-fashioned Golddiggers.

This may be one of the wittiest things to come out of a nineteen-year-old Local U. student's mouth at two in the morning, ever. Proof, once again, that some of those stereotypical-looking sorority gals do indeed have more to them than meets the eye.

* * * *

"Why do dead men rise up to torment the living?" Captain Henry Baltimore asks the malevolent winged creature.

The vampire shakes its head. "It was you called us. All of you, with your war. The roar of your cannons shook us from our quiet graves . . . You killers. You berserkers . . . You will never be rid of us now."

- From Baltimore, or, The Steadfast
Tin Soldier and the Vampire,
Mike Mignola & Christopher Golden
(Spectra, August 2007, 304 p.)

Imagine a nightmarish reality where, towards the end of the First World War, a British captain accidentally awakens a silent, unknown enemy to both human sides of that conflict, an ancient evil that no longer preyed upon the virgin necks of chicks named Harker because, well, Mankind's mechanized warfare had turned battlefields into all-you-can-eat diners for vampires...

What if, in a steampunk gothic reality, our warfare's bloodshed actually fed into the deepest, shadowy caverns where our forgotten, mythological demons rest? What if, well, someone noticed those demons for the first time upon a trench-marred battlefield, angered one of those carrion monsters, inadvertently started a very different War on Terror?

I finished reading this masterpiece, quite possibly the best horror novel written yet in this new century, in just under two and a half days. And for three nights, I was afraid of the dark for the first time in ages...

* * * *

Hey, don't feel bad about the deaf girl, dude. The last thing I usually hear before sex is 'Do you ever just shut up and fuck?'

- Yours Truly, Feb. 28,
Business lunch conversation

* * * *

...I taste like Texas, with a twist of Boston...

- A very interesting message,
Feb. 22, via Facebook

I'm fairly certain that the Legend of the Librarian and the Kentucky-Tasting Hairdressers is once again making the rounds.

C'mon now. Lots of 29-year-olds tell stories about making out with middle-aged women with breast implants...

Err... yeah. Huh. Great.

I feel like an Oxford Fucking Ohio version of Ashton Kutcher.

* * * *

That is all I have to say tonight. Oh, also, would someone call a priest? I think this sweater is possessed. Okay. THAT is all I have to say tonight...

- Max Adams, "Damnable Laundry,"
Celluloid Blonde, March 7

* * * *

Don’t they have any curiosity about anything outside of their little Facebook circle? Aren’t they interested in . . . well, anything? I can’t imagine a life where I can’t look beyond Myspace. It’s almost enough to make me want to get out of teaching.

- Coyote Mike, "Students Give Me Gas,"
Drowning on the Prairie, March 4

Trust me. Every last single human being older than 25 who works in, lives around, or tries to wade through the Higher Education Underground understands this frustration. Like Mike, I've tried to be gentle, accepting of some of the cultural and intellectual decay social networking technologies have inadvertently caused in the 18-22 year-old academic demographic.

Just last week, I had a girl almost break down in tears outside of my office because, well, in order to look for a job, she needed my help locking down her Facebook account - literally torn, emotionally, between her inner-exhibitionist, her desire to maintain spectral Facebook Friendships, and her very real need to maintain some online privacy.

Yeah, there's a whole hell of a lot more to the world than social networking tools - things of beauty and artistic merit and scholarship, as well as things so horrendous that the soul chills at their very mention.

* * * *

Rachael Ray. Oh my God, that's so your type! I've never been able to put my finger on your type of girl, but the moment I saw pictures of who you've dated in the past, and when you mentioned that you had the hots for Rachael Ray at Christmas, I just knew. Just learn to date like a normal guy, will ya?

- The ZenFo Sister, 27, March 8,
Via Electronic Sibling Bitchfest

As much as I'd hate to admit it... and an older brother never, ever admits these sorts of things... I think my sister's right.

In the past two years, only 1.4 percent of the women I've been involved with physically or romantically were blondes, a whopping 91 percent were chipper morning people who, well, enjoyed cooking American and Mediterranean cuisine, and an astounding 84 percent bear at least some minor physical resemblance to the television Food Goddess...

Dammit. Stupid little sisters.

I knew there was a reason we don't fight as much as we used to - she's, ugh, maturing faster than I am.

Dammit. Stupid little sisters.

- # # # -

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO) DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS: Of Jean Bulges, Liberated Boobs, Technicolor Leporid Deities, & Televangelists Near Nukes

You fucking walk out here, we're having a conversation, and you shove your cock in our faces. Jeez!

- Two Young Women, to the fully
clothed crotch of yours truly.

Normal Saturday night, really. And yup, they both said it to my crotch, not me. Didn't make eye contact, either.

Call it Jägerbomb Feminism.

I felt so dirty, so used, so sexually exploited...

They were sitting on the steps when I opened the door, to step outside for a quick cigarette.

No clue why they went on and on about it for five minutes.

But I teased one of the women for, oh, a good three hours about it afterwards.

* * * *

See, this is why no woman takes you seriously. My tits fall out and you look away to tell me about it. You can look. See. BOOBS. Low-cut shirt. I have fucking boobs and I LOVE them! SEE!

- San Luis Obispo, from the Afternoon
That Shall Not Be Blogged, Dec. 2007.

Hey, it's the called the Afternoon That Shall Not Be Blogged for a reason.

Don't ask, don't tell.

Some women - particularly bloggers and readers - are just sneaky enough to make such a request before hanging out for a day.

* * * *

Thanks for the powerful stories. Your writing's going to spring you from Oxford Fucking Ohio.

- From The Zenformation Mail, Nov. 30,
Concerning a post about, well, being different.
Thanks, dude.

* * * *

Your blog is an embarrassment to _____ University and the citizens of Oxford. Please quit making this community into your own personal lampoon of reality. I get nauseous every time my roommate talks about you.

- From the Zenformation Mail, also Nov. 30,
Concerning a post about, well, my squash fetish.
Nauseous?

* * * *

Even on the net it's possible to anger someone, in fact, sometimes it's easier because tone and intention often get lost in translation. The simplest of comments on a message board or blog can be taken in the wrong way and before you know it you're embroiled in a flame war and saying hateful things to someone you don't even know.

- Steph, "The Anger Bubble Generation"
Much Ado About Sumthin!,
Australia, Jan. 11

This is so true, regardless of which time zone, country or city a blogger calls home.

* * * *

Our resident beer-swiller was drinking coffee for once... The narcoleptic didn't fall asleep in the washroom... FakeTits was wearing a bra... Even the Overly White Gangsta got into the spirit with a gold Star of David necklace and cross-shaped earrings. (I neglected to explain the paradox to him - I didn't want to ruin his holiday by making him have to think.)

Yeah, all in all a great day.

- G., The Library Bitch, "A Blue Moon Christmas"
On life in a library the day before Christmas

* * * *

You! Have you accepted the Pink Bunny as your personal lord and master?

- Brother Jumpin' Jehosaphat Johnson,
The Slightly Blaspheming Church of the Pink Bunny,
Oxford, Ohio Jan. 10

The Slightly Blaspheming Church of the Pink Bunny is a bit of a cult. The Kool-Aid's just grand, as is the Holy Tequila Eucharist.

This blog post was indeed foretold by the Pink Bunny in the Book of St. Trix, 1:22-2:1, and in the Gospel of Captain Carrot, 6:66-12:1, and again in 1987 during a secret meeting between Ronald Reagan, Jerry Falwell, Yoko Ono, and Tom Selleck.

Um...

Have I ever mentioned how damned weird conversations can get here in Oxford Fucking Ohio, especially during the winter?

Seriously.

* * * *

I think men and women evolved differently, you know? I mean, why don't we all have vaginas?

- Local U. Student, Female, Sunday,
Overheard at the grocery store.

* * * *

The End is upon us, friends. Israelites shall be unified and the Antichrist will soon be running organizations like the United Nations.

- Religious Nut, on television,
who for some reason believes,
Through some witchcraft
Called "Biblical Prophesy,"
That Ban Ki-moon is really the Devil.

If there is to be an Antichrist, well, more than likely, he'll be born in some place like Colorado Springs, Colorado - a city so wrapped up in condescending Bible-thumping that it once earned the nickname, Evangelical Vatican.

The city, coincidentally, is also home to NORAD, the United States Air Force Academy, USNORTHCOM, and Peterson Air Force Base - you know, the folks who control one of the world's two largest nuclear arsenals...

Wait.

End Times doom-sayers who fear globalization, change and diversity, surrounded by the very keys to the ICBM-fueled, Nuclear Winter Kingdom...

Oh, that's just great.

I've scared the living shit outta myself.

- # # # -

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO) DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS: Summer, Sleep, and Other Sordid Things...

I have a sixth sense for drama. One would think that means I'm good at avoiding it.

Trouble is? I'm a fucking idiot.

- The Wombat, Ramblings of an Idle Insomniac,
" Drama, of Varying Scales," BOSTON, Mass., Aug. 17

Preach on, Brother Wombat.

Sums up the final days of Summer 2007 for a whole hell of a lot of folks, I think.

* * * *

I trust you. Besides, _____ says you're, like, completely dense and that I'd have to, like, be really obvious or something if I wanted to hook up. Like say 'Jason, I'm in your bed and naked and I want to fuck.'

- Woman No. 1, who crashed at my apartment,
In bed with me last week.

Kinda true, actually. Extremely hot 21-year-old, friend of an ex, who needed a place to stay until she moved back home. I don't use air conditioning, so we both slept pretty much completely naked.

And, nope, nothing happened. The only thing she asked for was for an extra pillow. She did, however, ask me to post something about it the next morning.

Just to piss off her ex-boyfriend. He apparently fuckin' hates me.

Heh.

* * * *

Three words.

Midget. Monkey. Wrestling.

- Local bar manager and friend,
discussing not-so-serious
ideas for school year promotions.

Trust me. You don't want to know.

But I will recommend the Orange Jell-O shots to local readers who know where I drink. Stiffer than a four-day-old corpse in a meat locker.

* * * *

No sweats? You don't own ANY sweats? Fuck it. I'll sleep in my underwear.

- Woman No. 2, who crashed at my apartment,
In bed with me last week.

Extremely hot 22-year-old, two nights later. And, nope, nothing happened. Just nice to sleep beside someone sometimes. I probably need to apologize for getting a little too touchy-feely, but, well, it's been ages since I last did the whole just curl up beside me so I can sleep thing. Not sure how those sorts of deals work these days...

* * * *

_______is like such a whore... does she, like, know about B___ and me last year?...They were, like, fighting, and he was, like, cute and I was, like, really trashed that night and...

- Local U. female undergraduate,
cell phone conversation,
outside of the ZenFo Pro Library, 7:42 AM ET

* * * *

When people suggest that men are more promiscuous than women, I always wonder how this is possible unless the men are having sex with each other.

- Liz, The LibraryTavern Wench,
"I'm Not a Mathematician, But...," Ohio, Aug. 14

There's a reason I'm throwing in this stellar quote from Liz, one of my favorite feminist colleagues and fellow bloggers, after the overheard mobile conversation quotation. I'll let readers draw their own conclusions about the nature of womanhood and internal gender conflict, human sexuality, and the complex, almost incomprehensible eccentricities of life in a sex-negative, secretive society...

Okay. That's way too deep for a Monday. Moving on...

* * * *

The only thing I learned as a sports reporter was how to hate the fanboy shit that goes along with men's college and professional sports. I love the competition, but hate the celebrity worship.

- The ZenFo Pro, to a guy who thought it
was so cool that I used to be a sportswriter.

First time in months I've had a conversation with anybody about my sportswriter days. Most folks are shocked to learn that, no, it wasn't a dream job or a chance to just talk about sports all day. It was hard, grueling work, keeping up with beats, tracking down leads, and meeting tight deadlines.

Don't miss it one bit.

* * * *

So. I guess we're not talking anymore, 'cause ____ says she saw you talking to a bunch of girls outside of M____& J_____'s Saturday night. And some tall girl kissed you. You are such a fucking bastard!

- Voicemail, one of five, from a very creepy woman.

I met the caller only last week, gave her my number, and told her to give me a call if she wanted to hang out sometime. Number now blocked.

Look, I'm almost 30. I'd like to say that the last time I played the talking to game was in high school, but I didn't do it then, either. I tend to hang out and socialize with more women than men, especially when I'm out on the town. I'm not too awfully interested in talking to a woman who obviously read way too much into me giving her my number.

And the girl who kissed me? Just a friend. She pecked my cheek as she and her boyfriend headed home for the night.

Drama.

Ugh.

- # # # -

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO) DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS: The Voices of Summer, Taints, and Mockery

'Hi, my name is Jason. I move furniture at work, drink tequila, and watch Star Trek.' Sounds like a personal ad to me. What do ya think? Good?

- Two employees, ZenFo Pro Library,
Discussing (mocking) yours truly.
You know, I like being single, actually.

* * * *

No, you're not really a bastard. More of a douchebag.

- From a normal, everyday conversation at work.

Women pick on me. A lot.

* * * *

Talk about Blow-Jobs. Having a real life job really does blow.

- Cooper, celebrating her 22nd birthday in style.
(With her 22,397th template change of the year.)

* * * *

I gotta quit reading your blog before I go into meetings. I almost called my director a 'bad motherfucker' during a candidate interview.

- From a cross-continental librarian IM chat.
There. Contributions to the profession done for the year.

* * * *

Pardon me, but do you know any young people who sell marijuana?

- A very polite senior citizen, Uptown Oxford.
Possibly the world's worst Narc,
The guy looked like Don Knotts.

* * * *

I hereby solemnly swear, that despite a large proportion of keen bloggers being young, attractive and interesting women, I am not, and will not become embroiled in a messy online affair or engage in excessive flirtation...

- The Man at the Pub,
Australian blogger

* * * *

...If you do and find your name used in a fiction post, do you email the blogger and ask that a disclaimer be put in? I’m sorry but I find that a bit over the top.

- Pia Savage, Courting Destiny, New York
on harassment over a blog post.
(I've had emails like that, too. They suck ass.)

* * * *

Damn. Them some fine-ass hos in this mofo.

- Blond, blue-eyed dude.
Mid-40ish. In a business suit.

* * * *

I don't read bestsellers. When they're classics, then I'll read them.

- Literature critic/blog reader, via email.

* * * *

... hooked up with this guy from dayton in reno last week ... you really need to move back west dude....before you forget how to fuck or something ... wow waste of my time ...

- Series of text messages.

* * * *

My taint itches.

- Men's room graffiti of the week.

* * * *

I'm thinking I should get married. Just to try it out. But it has to be, like, with somebody I like. And that my friends like. Like, just for fun, ya know?

- Local U. Student,
Overheard this afternoon.

- # # # -

FIVE COMPLETELY BATSHIT THINGS FROM THE ZENFORMATION WORLD: Trips to the ER, Student Abandonment Issues, Etc.

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- It's been more than three weeks since the Woeful Librarian @ The Library hit me up with a meme.

And for two weeks now, I've been trying to come up with something original, going through my usual routine of figuring out what's appropriate for an online audience, what I still need to keep private and what I'm comfortable discussing.

The problem?

I've already done this meme once in 2007. Jessica, The Cool Librarian, hit me up back in January.

The first time was way back in 2006, when I was inspired by Mizzy B's post (she didn't tag me, did it on my own). She, in her own Bohemian way, took the thing one step further, with six things.

So where do we go from here?

Oh well. Fuck it. Let's see what I've got...

5.

There's an abandoned beer pong table right outside my apartment door. It's been there for four days now, abandoned by my student neighbors. The unfinished plywood top reeks of flat Natty Light. One of its two-by-four legs, in true unskilled but educated fashion, bows inward and the table wobbles like nobody's business.

Rotten furniture lines the streets. There's busted futons clogging the curbs, busted plastic lounge chairs crumbling to dust in the gutters. Dumpsters around Oxford Fucking Ohio are packed with box springs and mattresses, busted plasma screens and junk MP3 players.

Walking about town this weekend, I found a perfectly good leather armchair left in an alley. There was one slight problem, however. The chair had been run through with what appeared to be a machete, the blade sticking out of the back. "Fuck FIJI" was carved into the upholstery by some very angry, artistic vandal.

And this is how the Academic Year ends - not with a bang but with a whimper.

4.

I spent part of Sunday night in the local emergency room.

It started last week sometime - I noticed that, well, I was having trouble taking a piss, pain and swelling in my testicles.

I called my physician Thursday to set up an appointment - the earliest available time was for a week from the time I called.

I figured I could wait. It's time for my annual physical anyway. I couldn't.

And nor should I have even considered waiting.

Testicular pain, shouldn't be ignored - ever. Men lose a ball or two all the time, as a result of trauma, infection, and illness. I've known two people in my life who've suffered from testicular torsions - one nut was saved, the other amputated as a result of a coach telling a kid to "just walk it off."

By Saturday, I was beginning to regret every "It burns when you pee..." or "I'd give my left nut..." joke I've made in the last, oh, ten years.

Fortunately, no trace of gonorrhea, chlamydia, or any other bacterial infection - the most common causes. Two separate urinalysis and culture tests were clean as a whistle. Unfortunately, neither the ER doctor nor the urologist seems to know what's causing it. No immediate evidence of hernia, either, but to be safe, again, it was recommended that I abstain from heavy lifting for a while.

To be safe, just in case, the urologist put me on antibiotics, and the ER guy slapped me with enough Motrin to make a gunshot wound feel like a pin prick.

3.

I had a confrontation with a local Radical Left blog reader a few weeks ago, over my silence on the issue of immediate troop withdrawal of "Imperialist" American forces from Iraq, why I don't use my blogging powers (ha!) for something constructive, like "raising awareness."

This young woman wanted to know - no, demanded to know - why I quit posting about politics and other things related to foreign policy. She felt the need to critique my blog's content based on my lack of "awareness raising" efforts to just about every progressive cause known to Man, only about half of which I support as, yes, an independent.

Completely batshit conversation. Nothing like an angry drunk activist.

Why oh why don't I blog about hot button political issues anymore? And what about "raising awareness" over this "immediate withdrawal" stuff?

Hmmm...

Well, it's simple, really.

First, I quit blogging about politics because, well, political blogging to "raise awareness" or to "advocate change" is a pointless exercise, a pseudointellectual circle-jerk of like-minded people reading only what they want to read, consuming opinions to merely justify their own opinions, or gloating with ideological glee at the slightest misstep of the opposition.

What's the point of blogging, really, if one just wants to scream from some bully pulpit? A personal blog should be, well, personal. And this is my personal blog. And I don't like it when people feel the need to tell me what I'm to put into this silly thing, based on their political agendas.

For the record, I don't support any of this current "immediate withdrawal" rhetoric pushed by pundits, activists, or, especially, politicians. To me, it's nothing more than the Democratic version of bread and circuses, thrown around to pacify and condition the masses, no better than the Republican posturing of the past four years. And lately, as a whole, the Democratic-controlled Congress hasn't been acting much different than the Contract with America era GOP-controlled Congress, spending more time attacking the new minority government Executive than actually moving anything past respite and petty bickering.

Ultimately, a hastily assembled retreat is nothing more than a momentary escape from ultimate responsibility. We, all Americans, bear some level of responsibility and accountability towards securing Iraq's future - there is no easy way out, no pointing fingers at the President or screaming that the opposition didn't try hard enough to stop it. We fix it, and then we can go. One does not enter another's house, burn it down, and then leave without paying for the damages done.

Most of the plans put forth seem to forget the legacy of the U.S. Civil War Reconstruction era, a time when hastily assembled, mob-rule ideas during a different sort of occupation played out as tragic comedy. While Reconstruction, in the end, did reunite the South with the Union, the far-reaching side effects still haunt this continent.

Reconstruction politicians and activists spent more time trying to figure out new and creative ways to expedite national healing with words and knee-jerk reactions than actually worrying about, well, the long-lasting ramifications. It is not mere coincidence that the bloodiest acts of genocide committed against this continent's indigenous tribes occurred during this period, that liberated former slaves earned physical freedom only to be faced with a century's worth Jim Crow terrorism and oppression, that political corruption and corporate influence blended industrialized, capitalistic expansion and influence to the concept of democracy.

Sounds familiar, eh?

Mark Twain called that period in U.S. history the Gilded Age. Lasted almost 40 years, and included the assassinations of three sitting presidents, an almost total restructuring of American diversity through waves of immigration and subsequent backlash, two economic depressions, the Plessy v. Ferguson decision, massive government corruption, labor revolts, and a Centennial presidential election mess that made the 2000 election look legit.

Welcome to the Second Gilded Age. By my estimate, we entered into this era of American History sometime in the last decade, sometime before this clemency petition was released.

Getting out of Iraq by the end of the year? Not happening. Nor should it, without some sort of practical, actual solution that leaves Iraq a better place than when we invaded against international law in the first place. Immediate withdrawal by this Imperialist America? Even during the Manifest Destiny era, immediacy was measured in dead bodies and decades.

The Iraqi insurgents there, just like Al-Qaeda, are much harder to kill than those pesky Dakota or Sioux, and smallpox tainted blankets are, like, so 1872. We've modernized to suit or Nuclear Super-powered status - we just torture people in secrecy, lock them away in Cuba, and have secret military tribunals in charge of separating terrorist from patriot.

And, besides, now that the Dems are in power, they'll need at least a year's worth of preening and gleaning to give all of those defense contractors, corporate lobbyists, and little old ladies from Kansas enough time to fill the ol' campaign war chests for the 2008 Freak Show...er... Election...

See. Like I said. Simple.

2.

Last night, I dreamt that I was having sex with one of my sister's childhood best friends, a woman I haven't seen or thought about in more than a decade.

Sex at my senior prom. And it was snowing.

It wasn't as good as I remembered, at least compared to the dreams I used to have about this woman when we were both in Mr. D's fourth period journalism class.

Hell, it's been 12 years. I wonder if she's still single?

Trust me. Much more interesting than waking up and thinking about Iraq.

1.

Favorite quote of the week:

I had a cat once, but every time I tried to give him a bath, the fur stuck to my tongue.

- Howlin' Mad Murdoch (actor Dwight Schultz), The A-Team.

- # # # -