Monday, August 27, 2007

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO)
DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS:
Summer, Sleep, and Other Sordid Things...


I have a sixth sense for drama. One would think that means I'm good at avoiding it.

Trouble is? I'm a fucking idiot.


- The Wombat, Ramblings of an Idle Insomniac,
" Drama, of Varying Scales," BOSTON, Mass., Aug. 17
Preach on, Brother Wombat.

Sums up the final days of Summer 2007 for a whole hell of a lot of folks, I think.

* * * *
I trust you. Besides, _____ says you're, like, completely dense and that I'd have to, like, be really obvious or something if I wanted to hook up. Like say 'Jason, I'm in your bed and naked and I want to fuck.'

- Woman No. 1, who crashed at my apartment,
In bed with me last week.
Kinda true, actually. Extremely hot 21-year-old, friend of an ex, who needed a place to stay until she moved back home. I don't use air conditioning, so we both slept pretty much completely naked.

And, nope, nothing happened. The only thing she asked for was for an extra pillow. She did, however, ask me to post something about it the next morning.

Just to piss off her ex-boyfriend. He apparently fuckin' hates me.

Heh.


* * * *
Three words.

Midget. Monkey. Wrestling.


- Local bar manager and friend,
discussing not-so-serious
ideas for school year promotions.
Trust me. You don't want to know.

But I will recommend the Orange Jell-O shots to local readers who know where I drink. Stiffer than a four-day-old corpse in a meat locker.

* * * *
No sweats? You don't own ANY sweats? Fuck it. I'll sleep in my underwear.

- Woman No. 2, who crashed at my apartment,
In bed with me last week.
Extremely hot 22-year-old, two nights later. And, nope, nothing happened. Just nice to sleep beside someone sometimes. I probably need to apologize for getting a little too touchy-feely, but, well, it's been ages since I last did the whole just curl up beside me so I can sleep thing. Not sure how those sorts of deals work these days...

* * * *
_______is like such a whore... does she, like, know about B___ and me last year?...They were, like, fighting, and he was, like, cute and I was, like, really trashed that night and...

- Local U. female undergraduate,
cell phone conversation,

outside of the ZenFo Pro Library, 7:42 AM ET

* * * *
When people suggest that men are more promiscuous than women, I always wonder how this is possible unless the men are having sex with each other.

- Liz, The LibraryTavern Wench,
"I'm Not a Mathematician, But...," Ohio, Aug. 14
There's a reason I'm throwing in this stellar quote from Liz, one of my favorite feminist colleagues and fellow bloggers, after the overheard mobile conversation quotation. I'll let readers draw their own conclusions about the nature of womanhood and internal gender conflict, human sexuality, and the complex, almost incomprehensible eccentricities of life in a sex-negative, secretive society...

Okay. That's way too deep for a Monday. Moving on...

* * * *
The only thing I learned as a sports reporter was how to hate the fanboy shit that goes along with men's college and professional sports. I love the competition, but hate the celebrity worship.

- The ZenFo Pro, to a guy who thought it
was so cool that I used to be a sportswriter.
First time in months I've had a conversation with anybody about my sportswriter days. Most folks are shocked to learn that, no, it wasn't a dream job or a chance to just talk about sports all day. It was hard, grueling work, keeping up with beats, tracking down leads, and meeting tight deadlines.

Don't miss it one bit.

* * * *
So. I guess we're not talking anymore, 'cause ____ says she saw you talking to a bunch of girls outside of M____& J_____'s Saturday night. And some tall girl kissed you. You are such a fucking bastard!

- Voicemail, one of five, from a very creepy woman.
I met the caller only last week, gave her my number, and told her to give me a call if she wanted to hang out sometime. Number now blocked.

Look, I'm almost 30. I'd like to say that the last time I played the talking to game was in high school, but I didn't do it then, either. I tend to hang out and socialize with more women than men, especially when I'm out on the town. I'm not too awfully interested in talking to a woman who obviously read way too much into me giving her my number.

And the girl who kissed me? Just a friend. She pecked my cheek as she and her boyfriend headed home for the night.

Drama.

Ugh.


- # # # -

17 comments:

Cat. said...

Not my summer 2007! I liked Liz's quote too; those numbers have always confused me, and made me laugh at how good women are at lying to themselves and the world! :-)

Speaking of laughing: "Not sure how those sorts of deals work these days..." Dude, if you don't know, man, I'm on another freakin' planet!! huh

Anonymous said...

DUDE!

Speaking of Mac and joes...

I saw you there tonite!!!! bar with the three hot chicks working. where'd u go????

We need to go drinking.

you buy. u might like the things i can do in bed with you.

cuz i'm a girl :-P

Woeful said...

"I met the caller only last week"
... Raise Shields!

coyotemike said...

Be sure to pretreat when you get drama on you. Otherwise it will set in and you will have it stuck to you for weeks or months at a time.

Once the drama has set in, the only thing to do is cauterize.

Yes, I am telling you to set the crazy woman on fire if she stalks you.

EsotericWombat said...

Thanks for the nod, man

*raises glass* here's to being the dude who exes hate!

The ZenFo Pro said...

Cat:
Yep. Liz is the master of great one-liners, actually. And, yep...

Who are all of those manwhores sleeping with, anyway? It's not like there's just five or six women out there...

Anon:
Lol, well, I'll tell all three women that you said that they're hot. That'll make their day, actually...

Well, there was somebody else at booth that, ugh, I try to avoid like the friggin' Plague (of the OMG I made a BIG mistake getting involved with her in 05 variety), so I migrated downstairs to skip the emo girl scenery.

Heh, well, you'd have to buy, because you're posting anon., and I don't know who the heck you are... :)

Thanks for reading!

Woeful:
Actually, it was more like "Warp 8! Make it so, No. 1"

God. I'm a dork.

:)

Mike:
Yes, I am telling you to set the crazy woman on fire if she stalks you.

I'm laughing so hard that I can't drink any coffee, dammit.

Very true.

LMAO.


Wombat:
No prob, dude. Great quote!

Yeah. I'm kinda hoping I see the guy somewhere today, actually.

Homeboy once called me a "faggot computer geek."

As immature as it is, I do just want to ask the guy if he knows where his girlfriend stayed the night she dumped 'em ;)

pia said...

Jason you are too much. Don't think it's immature to want to know...

Was reading that first quote and thought, it doesn't sound like Jason but the Wombat--and I was right. Know which people besides me are most likely to call themselves an idiot in their blog

cooper said...

I'm glad I didn't have to think on this one. Too much thinking going on.

Life gives us such fodder for blogs n'est pas?

Anonymous said...

heheh the talking to thing must be a cleveland chick. like stereotypical miami mrs degree stuff.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Pia:
Lol, that's one way of putting it :)

Coop:
Chica, you think too damned much. Not good for you.

Actually, this ends up being the pot calling the kettle black, but...

;)

Anon:
Kinda. Sorta.

Liz said...

Jason,
Thanks for appreciating the words of a sorta radical feminist blogger.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Liz:
Hey! No prob, chica! Very cool quotation :)

xboxgirl said...

Hehehe...This quote thingy stuff is fairly amusing.

"Three words.

Midget. Monkey. Wrestling.

Trust me. You don't want to know."

Oooook then, I'll take your word for it.

Angel, librarian and educator said...

Just a small note to let you know I picked your blog for one of my choices in this year's Blog Day.

Best, and keep on blogging.

G said...

Back this week.

Good writs, as always, bro. Love the cellphone conversations. I swear these kids get dumber by the year ...

... did I just say kids? Damn, I'm getting old.

Miz BoheMia said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The ZenFo Pro said...

Xbox:
Yeah. Trust me.

Beats the Nekked Tapioca Rasslin' Tuesdays ;)

Angel:
Hey! Kewl! I'll swing by and say hi!

Muchas, muchas gracias!

G:
You know...

I'm saying kids more often now, too.

If it weren't for those meddling kids - and that damned stoned dog - I would've gotten away with it, too.


MizzyB:
I'm planning on the next month being "Amputate Drama Queens/Kings Month."

Lol.

Dramatic sorta, huh, sums it up so far, actually.

You too :)