Monday, January 14, 2008

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO)
DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS:
Of Jean Bulges, Liberated Boobs, Technicolor Leporid Deities, & Televangelists Near Nukes


You fucking walk out here, we're having a conversation, and you shove your cock in our faces. Jeez!

- Two Young Women, to the fully
clothed crotch of yours truly.


Normal Saturday night, really. And yup, they both said it to my crotch, not me. Didn't make eye contact, either.

Call it Jägerbomb Feminism.

I felt so dirty, so used, so sexually exploited...

They were sitting on the steps when I opened the door, to step outside for a quick cigarette.

No clue why they went on and on about it for five minutes.

But I teased one of the women for, oh, a good three hours about it afterwards.


* * * *
See, this is why no woman takes you seriously. My tits fall out and you look away to tell me about it. You can look. See. BOOBS. Low-cut shirt. I have fucking boobs and I LOVE them! SEE!

- San Luis Obispo, from the Afternoon
That Shall Not Be Blogged, Dec. 2007.
Hey, it's the called the Afternoon That Shall Not Be Blogged for a reason.

Don't ask, don't tell.

Some women - particularly bloggers and readers - are just sneaky enough to make such a request before hanging out for a day.

* * * *
Thanks for the powerful stories. Your writing's going to spring you from Oxford Fucking Ohio.

- From The Zenformation Mail, Nov. 30,
Concerning a post about, well, being different.
Thanks, dude.
* * * *

Your blog is an embarrassment to _____ University and the citizens of Oxford. Please quit making this community into your own personal lampoon of reality. I get nauseous every time my roommate talks about you.

- From the Zenformation Mail, also Nov. 30,
Concerning
a post about, well, my squash fetish.
Nauseous?
* * * *

Even on the net it's possible to anger someone, in fact, sometimes it's easier because tone and intention often get lost in translation. The simplest of comments on a message board or blog can be taken in the wrong way and before you know it you're embroiled in a flame war and saying hateful things to someone you don't even know.

- Steph, "The Anger Bubble Generation"
Much Ado About Sumthin!,

Australia, Jan. 11

This is so true, regardless of which time zone, country or city a blogger calls home.

* * * *
Our resident beer-swiller was drinking coffee for once... The narcoleptic didn't fall asleep in the washroom... FakeTits was wearing a bra... Even the Overly White Gangsta got into the spirit with a gold Star of David necklace and cross-shaped earrings. (I neglected to explain the paradox to him - I didn't want to ruin his holiday by making him have to think.)

Yeah, all in all a great day.

- G., The Library Bitch, "A Blue Moon Christmas"
On life in a library the day before Christmas
* * * *

You! Have you accepted the Pink Bunny as your personal lord and master?

- Brother Jumpin' Jehosaphat Johnson,
The Slightly Blaspheming Church of the Pink Bunny,
Oxford, Ohio Jan. 10
The Slightly Blaspheming Church of the Pink Bunny is a bit of a cult. The Kool-Aid's just grand, as is the Holy Tequila Eucharist.

This blog post was indeed foretold by the Pink Bunny in the Book of St. Trix, 1:22-2:1, and in the Gospel of Captain Carrot, 6:66-12:1, and again in 1987 during a secret meeting between Ronald Reagan, Jerry Falwell, Yoko Ono, and Tom Selleck.

Um...

Have I ever mentioned how damned weird conversations can get here in Oxford Fucking Ohio, especially during the winter?

Seriously.

* * * *
I think men and women evolved differently, you know? I mean, why don't we all have vaginas?

- Local U. Student, Female, Sunday,
Overheard at the grocery store.
* * * *
The End is upon us, friends. Israelites shall be unified and the Antichrist will soon be running organizations like the United Nations.

- Religious Nut, on television,
who for some reason believes,

Through some witchcraft
Called "Biblical Prophesy,"

That Ban Ki-moon is really the Devil.

If there is to be an Antichrist, well, more than likely, he'll be born in some place like Colorado Springs, Colorado - a city so wrapped up in condescending Bible-thumping that it once earned the nickname, Evangelical Vatican.

The city, coincidentally, is also home to NORAD, the United States Air Force Academy, USNORTHCOM, and Peterson Air Force Base - you know, the folks who control one of the world's two largest nuclear arsenals...

Wait.

End Times doom-sayers who fear globalization, change and diversity, surrounded by the very keys to the ICBM-fueled, Nuclear Winter Kingdom...

Oh, that's just great.

I've scared the living shit outta myself.

- # # # -

8 comments:

Coyote Mike said...

For the first time in my life, I can honestly say . . .

I want to be a pink bunny!

librarianwoes said...

"I think men and women evolved differently, you know? I mean, why don't we all have vaginas?"

-- Oh Lord! This local U. student knows how to take the fun out of everything, doesn't she.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Mike:
Lol.

Alas, none of us can truly achieve Pink Bunny. One day, however...

Woes:
Heh, we do have some strange ones here. I was wondering if anybody would catch that.

By college, lol, a kid should know at least a little bit about the evolutionary processes behind the formation of a penis.

Lord, reminds me to only shop for organic frozen foods when the aisle is clear...

Curiosity Killer said...

Suddenly I feel so tame. Boring even. LOL

zydeco fish said...

Yeah, I feel so damned boring too :-(

Liberality said...

it scares the shit out of me too. hey, I have relatives who live over there and they are ate up with that religious holier than thou crap.

Cooper said...

My local newspaper could use some livening up, are you available?

The ZenFo Pro said...

Killer:
Lol. Nah, you just drink in the wrong places :)

ZF:
Heh.

Lib:
You know, Colorado Springs is probably one f the most terrifying cities in the world, because of the sheer religious nut/nuclear missile ratio.

Coop:
NOOOO! You're actually the second person in two weeks to suggest a return to journalism. Even jokingly, I still get flashbacks to having deep discounts at the Men's Warehouse...while living off mac & cheese :)