Sunday, March 09, 2008

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO)
DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS:
Of One-legged Vampire Hunters, Sexless
Restlessness, and "Vag Badger" Parents

So... Your New Year's resolution was to... swear off sex? Like all sex? Or just sex with crazy women? Oh my gosh...why?

- One very shocked blog reader,
Over coffee,
in the ZenFo Pro Library's cafe.
Yup. There is nothing quite like a workplace conversation with a reader over my lack of, er, entertaining posts lately.

Actually, for the record, I've sworn off random, pointless sex - in Oxford, well, one often falls into the trap of simply hooking up to kill boredom. And no offense to certain local blog readers, but, well, I've sworn off going home with ya'll - and I swore off anything younger than 22 a long time ago.

Though I'm flattered by some of the rather forward offers...

Not very healthy and, well, there are better things I could be doing with my time. Do you know how much reading I've done since Jan. 1? How productive I've been without unnecessary drama in my life? Hell, even I've been awestruck by my surge in energy, thought, and creativity.

Sex? Pfft. I've been passed around like a Megachurch collection plate. I'd kinda like to, well, one day, remember what it's like to be able to care enough to remember a woman's last name or enjoy her scent on my pillow for more than a few days at a time...

Ya know. Like a normal guy.

* * * *
She's NOT a cougar. Cougars aren't WHORES! She's a Vag Badger. Cougars eat you; Vag Badgers take you home, molest you, and steal your fucking money!

Vag.
[Points to crotch.] Badger. [Hands raised like claws.] Grrrr. Quote me on that, dude.

- Slightly intoxicated young woman,
D
escribing how she really feels about her stepmom
Your wish, madam, is my command. And, having been mauled by drunken Local U. moms and stepmoms myself on certain sorority mother weekends, yeah...

One should always be on the lookout for Vag Badgers. Worse than Cunt Kittens, Cock Knockers, or even, yes, regular old-fashioned Golddiggers.

This may be one of the wittiest things to come out of a nineteen-year-old Local U. student's mouth at two in the morning, ever. Proof, once again, that some of those stereotypical-looking sorority gals do indeed have more to them than meets the eye.

* * * *
"Why do dead men rise up to torment the living?" Captain Henry Baltimore asks the malevolent winged creature.

The vampire shakes its head. "It was you called us. All of you, with your war. The roar of your cannons shook us from our quiet graves . . . You killers. You berserkers . . . You will never be rid of us now."

- From Baltimore, or, The Steadfast
Tin Soldier and the Vampire,
Mike Mignola & Christopher Golden

(Spectra, August 2007, 304 p.)
Imagine a nightmarish reality where, towards the end of the First World War, a British captain accidentally awakens a silent, unknown enemy to both human sides of that conflict, an ancient evil that no longer preyed upon the virgin necks of chicks named Harker because, well, Mankind's mechanized warfare had turned battlefields into all-you-can-eat diners for vampires...

What if, in a steampunk gothic reality, our warfare's bloodshed actually fed into the deepest, shadowy caverns where our forgotten, mythological demons rest? What if, well, someone noticed those demons for the first time upon a trench-marred battlefield, angered one of those carrion monsters, inadvertently started a very different War on Terror?

I finished reading this masterpiece, quite possibly the best horror novel written yet in this new century, in just under two and a half days. And for three nights, I was afraid of the dark for the first time in ages...

* * * *
Hey, don't feel bad about the deaf girl, dude. The last thing I usually hear before sex is 'Do you ever just shut up and fuck?'

- Yours Truly, Feb. 28,
Business lunch conversation
* * * *
...I taste like Texas, with a twist of Boston...

- A very interesting message,
Feb. 22, via Facebook
I'm fairly certain that the Legend of the Librarian and the Kentucky-Tasting Hairdressers is once again making the rounds.

C'mon now. Lots of 29-year-olds tell stories about making out with middle-aged women with breast implants...

Err... yeah. Huh. Great.

I feel like an Oxford Fucking Ohio version of Ashton Kutcher.

* * * *
That is all I have to say tonight. Oh, also, would someone call a priest? I think this sweater is possessed. Okay. THAT is all I have to say tonight...

- Max Adams, "Damnable Laundry,"
Celluloid Blonde, March 7
* * * *
Don’t they have any curiosity about anything outside of their little Facebook circle? Aren’t they interested in . . . well, anything? I can’t imagine a life where I can’t look beyond Myspace. It’s almost enough to make me want to get out of teaching.

- Coyote Mike, "Students Give Me Gas,"
Drowning on the Prairie, March 4
Trust me. Every last single human being older than 25 who works in, lives around, or tries to wade through the Higher Education Underground understands this frustration. Like Mike, I've tried to be gentle, accepting of some of the cultural and intellectual decay social networking technologies have inadvertently caused in the 18-22 year-old academic demographic.

Just last week, I had a girl almost break down in tears outside of my office because, well, in order to look for a job, she needed my help locking down her Facebook account - literally torn, emotionally, between her inner-exhibitionist, her desire to maintain spectral Facebook Friendships, and her very real need to maintain some online privacy.

Yeah, there's a whole hell of a lot more to the world than social networking tools - things of beauty and artistic merit and scholarship, as well as things so horrendous that the soul chills at their very mention.

* * * *
Rachael Ray. Oh my God, that's so your type! I've never been able to put my finger on your type of girl, but the moment I saw pictures of who you've dated in the past, and when you mentioned that you had the hots for Rachael Ray at Christmas, I just knew. Just learn to date like a normal guy, will ya?

- The ZenFo Sister, 27, March 8,
Via Electronic Sibling Bitchfest
As much as I'd hate to admit it... and an older brother never, ever admits these sorts of things... I think my sister's right.

In the past two years, only 1.4 percent of the women I've been involved with physically or romantically were blondes, a whopping 91 percent were chipper morning people who, well, enjoyed cooking American and Mediterranean cuisine, and an astounding 84 percent bear at least some minor physical resemblance to the television Food Goddess...

Dammit. Stupid little sisters.

I knew there was a reason we don't fight as much as we used to - she's, ugh, maturing faster than I am.

Dammit. Stupid little sisters.

- # # # -


11 comments:

sassinak said...

i had a three year long period or absolute celibacy. it wasn't by choice either. it's funny because there's an assumption among people that know me that i get hit on constantly or that people are always asking me out but it's really not true.

in your case it is so i'm not sure how that works... see it was easy for me to be celibate since literally not one person wanted me that whole time.

well okay a few but they were... not for me... and really not for most people i know.. think mother's basements or forty five year old grad students... or both.

but i digress. the point is that celibacy was one of the best things that ever happened to me. i had crushes on men and the like but nothing that would ever amount to anything and otherwise i just lived my life and put myself back together...

anyway enjoy, sorry your blog readers won't have as much to titillate them but i expect you to thoroughly enjoy being your own life partner for a while.

Anonymous said...

you know i was wondering. do you still obsess over cartoons like justice league? very random but see mike mignola's name made me wonder if you were stealing my reading list.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Sass:
Lol, well, mine's not totally by choice... realized that, yeah, falling into an almost "anticodependent" way of dealing with women - my sister, silly stupid sister, pointed out that what led me to being, well, engaged twice in 1998, to being really fucked up for, well, most of the late 1990s, was the fact that I swung back-and-forth between stages of codependency and staunch individualistic, "Hootchie magnet" phases.

Finally figured it was time to just take that puppy out back like Old Yeller, walk it to the woods, and bury it. There's nothing comforting in having, heh, women tell you that, well, you're only good for a fling.

Oh lord...titilating. Writing it this way seems to have put a stop to 18-19 y.o.s thinking that I'd make a good pet, or that I'd be the perfect "Oooh, mom and dad are gonna be so pissed..." whippingboy. Lol, I may be pretty dense, but, well, I forgot how blatantly transparent some 18-20 y.o.s can be when they quit talking to you like, well, a faculty member and start thinking you're some sorta crush material...

Long story.

Anon:
Lol, totally random. Well, I do still watch Justice League Unlimited reruns like a 14-year-old fanboy waiting on the D&D tourney at the Comiccon, and I did, heh, run out to the store to buy The New Frontier film adaptation...

Yep. Still a comics nerd. And I still would sell my soul to, heh, get my hands on a Green Lantern power ring ;)

So you're reading Baltimore??? If so, cool shit.

coyotemike said...

I'd learned in the last few years that random sex and I just don't mix. Not that I'm getting offers, but I would rather know someone than just slam genitals for a night then go our seperate ways.

And social networking websites are just evil. Simple evil. Never have stalkers, exes, drama-queens of all genders, snooping bosses, parents, and rivals had such access to vital information . . . and the idiots put it up voluntarily! "Please come see a list of my fears and an image of me pissing myself while drunk/power-humping my best friend's spouse." Then whining about how their lives are ruined.

I had a myspazz page. And I picked up a stalker. I was lucky enough that I managed to evade her. But from that I learned, no matter how "convenient" it is for keeping up with friends, it just isn't worth the crap and drama.

Carla said...

haha... funny post. concerning the facebook/myspace issue.. i don't get that too much, maybe because i never accept an offer from an anonymous someone. i even think that facebook is a great medium to connect me with old friends, whose email addresses were not known since internet did not even exist yet, and new friends met on one of my travels.

as for the sex... can't agree more on how more comfortable it is to be with one person for a longer time with if possible some feelings involved, than just with the temporary ones. but a friend once advised me that in order to get that permanent (or semi-permanent) boyfriend, you may need to go through some series of "less serious" ones.
or yeah, just like you said... spend our time more on quality things like reading books and doing hobbies. but for some people from some cultures, time is not very friendly in terms of giving you the full freedom to decide WHEN and with whom you want to be with.

Not that I care much about it.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Mike:
Lord, tell me about it. When I was 21-22, hell, I was on the air five days a week, the short, chubby dude with a shaved head who, well, had no problem abusing his 15 minutes of fame. Now, though...

Social networking tools, well, are just that. I'm sorta torn between their potential and how they're actually used - I think part of the problem may be that, well, nobody's really been willing to sit down with Web 2.0 users and say "Ya know, it's pretty stupid to get upset about your boyfriend being upset over someone leaving a comment on your FB profile, chica..." In my field, especially, there'sbeen such a resistance to tools like Facebook - how can we, subtly, get students to understand that, well, it's not all fun and games.

Heh, and dude - we're bloggers! We're the Pilgrims of the fuckedupness of the social networking phenom. Hell, I don't know a single blogger or MySpace darling who hasn't had some weird, creepy moment, put something online that's drawn criticism, or who hasn't sat down and said: "Whoa. I think I'm taking this shit too seriously."

Carla:
Yeah, that's probably a good thing, chica. Women are, I've learned, figure out the inherent dangers of myspace/facebook quicker, or at least learn from mistakes quicker. FB is a great medium, and I was glad to see that its founder recently acknowledged that, yeah, everybody's learning how to use it more responsibly - even the FB folks themselves.

"Less serious" ones. Ha! Love it. Very true. And yeah, as much as many people around the world may think the ol' U.S. of A isn't one of those "being single for too long makes you less marketable" cultures, heh, trust me, we are - esp. the more conservative, traditional parts. There's a reason cities like Atlanta and Houston became meccas for immigrants from certain cultures - I once watched a Pakistani guy and a good ol' boy redneck dude at the Raliegh, NC, airport discussing, in COMPLETE AGREEMENT, their shared belief that women belong in the home, shouldn't be allowed to work, etc.

sassinak said...

i am continuously stunned by the foolishness of young women on myspace and facebook.

i'm even stunned that i put my own last name up on facebook since i'm from the early nineties super paranoid clan of the internet rather than the early 00's let it all hang out crowd.

that said, i can't imagine posting drunk or wasted pics of myself or detailing my escapades... but they do it.

max said...

Holy cats. You quoted me.

That is too funny.

Smooch!

librarianwoes said...

A Rachael Ray fetish. LOL... Well, if any Rayesque chica can cook half as well as the real thing culinary heaven will surely ensue, along with about 50lbs of excess baggage.

zydeco fish said...

...I taste like Texas, with a twist of Boston...

I wish I knew what that was like :-)

EsotericWombat said...

So we're admitting crushes on Rachael Ray now? I knew this day would come.

the last few first dates I've had have all involved cooking something I'd never even heard of before with someone...