Friday, June 01, 2007

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO)
DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS:
The Voices of Summer, Taints, and Mockery

'Hi, my name is Jason. I move furniture at work, drink tequila, and watch Star Trek.' Sounds like a personal ad to me. What do ya think? Good?

- Two employees, ZenFo Pro Library,
Discussing (mocking) yours truly.
You know, I like being single, actually.
* * * *
No, you're not really a bastard. More of a douchebag.

- From a normal, everyday conversation at work.
Women pick on me. A lot.
* * * *

Talk about Blow-Jobs. Having a real life job really does blow.

- Cooper, celebrating her 22nd birthday in style.
(With her 22,397th template change of the year.)

* * * *

I gotta quit reading your blog before I go into meetings. I almost called my director a 'bad motherfucker' during a candidate interview.

- From a cross-continental librarian IM chat.
There. Contributions to the profession done for the year.
* * * *
Pardon me, but do you know any young people who sell marijuana?

- A very polite senior citizen, Uptown Oxford.
Possibly the world's worst Narc,
The guy looked like Don Knotts.
* * * *
I hereby solemnly swear, that despite a large proportion of keen bloggers being young, attractive and interesting women, I am not, and will not become embroiled in a messy online affair or engage in excessive flirtation...

- The Man at the Pub,
Australian blogger
* * * *
...If you do and find your name used in a fiction post, do you email the blogger and ask that a disclaimer be put in? I’m sorry but I find that a bit over the top.

- Pia Savage, Courting Destiny, New York
on harassment over a blog post.
(I've had emails like that, too. They suck ass.)

* * * *
Damn. Them some fine-ass hos in this mofo.

- Blond, blue-eyed dude.
Mid-40ish. In a business suit.

* * * *
I don't read bestsellers. When they're classics, then I'll read them.

- Literature critic/blog reader, via email.
* * * *
... hooked up with this guy from dayton in reno last week ... you really need to move back west dude....before you forget how to fuck or something ... wow waste of my time ...

- Series of text messages.
* * * *
My taint itches.

- Men's room graffiti of the week.
* * * *
I'm thinking I should get married. Just to try it out. But it has to be, like, with somebody I like. And that my friends like. Like, just for fun, ya know?

- Local U. Student,
Overheard this afternoon.

- # # # -


12 comments:

Cat. said...

This? This is why I wear headphones whenever possible at work...especially that last one...

I love the pot question. Glad to know your coworkers are keeping you in line. And just why are you at work anyway? Are you cured?


[word verif: ylswak--what I would do if you tell me you're still sick AND at work]

The ZenFo Pro said...

Cat:
Lol, these were actually accumulated over the past month.

Lot of free time :)

Well, the Dr's office staff corrected me the other day: according to the test, I HAD mono, not have (present) - the immune system's kicking its ass and, lol, since the diagnosis was three weeks into when I first had symptoms...

I'm now just getting over the leftover crap. Like lack of taste. I'm not as tired, and YAY! I'm down to just no contact sports for a while (sigh.)

I probably should've pushed harder early-on. Now people at work, figuring out that, yep, I was a walking germ factory for three weeks, are getting paranoid....

Lol. The first one I just had to put in, because these two Local U. students are just too witty for their own good ;)

blowjobqueen said...

This was great and classic zenpro.

Woeful said...

"I'm thinking I should get married. Just to try it out."

-- Douchetacular!

xboxgirl said...

Ha, those were funny.

Those women who pick on a fella like you that is sick (or not) are douchebags.

Cat. said...

...saying NOTHING about your lack of taste....NOTHING!

lmao

"Women pick on me. A lot." Still laughing about that one as well.

The ZenFo Pro said...

BlowjobQueen:

Lol, well, is that an offer?

I mean, since you've already had mono... ;)

[j/k]


Woeful:
"Douchetacular!"

Damn, I can't stop laughing now.

Xbox:
Nah, they were just being bored college students. It was all in good fun(I think).

Cat:
Lol, well, library folk are a strange lot. That should be the first sign. :)

zydeco fish said...

Hilarious. I even learned something. I've never heard the word taint before. This guy might need some Micatin.

coyotemike said...

Wouldn't it suck if you did forget how to fuck? You'd just be laying there, looking at her and wondering "what the hell does she want? And why can't I roll over?"

EsotericWombat said...

Man, Don Knotts as a narc? I'd absolutely watch that show.

Steph said...

You need to invest in an Ipod so you don't have to listen to the randoms of the world.

;)

The ZenFo Pro said...

ZF:
Lol, taint actually inspired an entire departmental quest for better understanding of the word's origins at work...

Err... yeah. Kinda slow here during the summer.


Mike:
It's every guy's worst nightmare.

Wombat:
That would be funny. Like Mayberry Vice? Or Mr. Furley, NYPD?

Steph:
First, oh my god. What are you sucking on in that profile pic???