FIVE (MORE) THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ME: Of Text Chimp Reference, The "Missing" Flings, and Some Damn Fine Boots

Thanks to Jessica for the tag. And sorry it's taken me so long to get around to answering it.

- Jason

- FIVE (5) -

You know, I get a lot of criticism, in-person and online, regarding my openness about relationships and/or flings. But I'll bet most people don't know that there are five relationship-type things that DID NOT appear on the Zenformation Professional last year.

I ended two of them, one ended it when her boyfriend returned from Europe, and the other was a draw (better off as just friends.) One I promised I'd never talk about online - or off - because of the impact it could have in her personal and professional life.

The No. 1 reason for not appearing? Well, I thought they might lead somewhere.

One of my New Year's resolutions this year is to not blog about anything that could amount to anything more than a fling.

Several close female friends have informed me that, well, the idea that I write about damned near everything on this here Blogger Homestead probably scares the living shit out of a lot of women, the kind of women I've been told - even by flings - that I should actually date.

Me? In a long-term, real, honest-to-God boyfriend role? Something other than the Perpetual Other Man, Escape Hatch Fling, Commitment Panic-Attack Guy? Please. I think I've given up on that pipe dream.

Aside from the California Fling, I think I'm back to my swearing off women thing for at least a few months. I guess there are some things I just need to sort out for myself.

- FOUR (4) -

I am no longer a proponent of text-message reference. Other forms of electronic and virtual reference services? Sure. But no more of this "just text me the answer" shit for me, thank you very much.

One of "Britney's" former roommates asked me for after-hours assistance with one of her last-semester projects earlier this week. As we were chatting online about her paper, she and I were simultaneously texting back and forth. I've been trying to get the hang of this whole texting thing, since several friends of mine communicate almost exclusively via text messaging.

I'm just not very good at it. Makes me feel like a circus chimp with a graphing calculator.

A few minutes after the online, off-the-clock reference session ended, I received three calls from exes, two from relatives, and one from the high school kid I used to tutor.

All of them had received texts from me by mistake, all containing the normal "too personal/profane/intense" content that distinguishes the "ZenFo Pro" reference sessions from the "Librarian Jason" patron help.

Er...yeah. Rather embarrassing.

Circus chimp. With a TI-86.

- THREE (3) -

Since November, I've probably eaten enough Alaskan salmon to qualify as a threat to that state's ecosystem.

Hey, don't ask me. I go through phases. Notoriously strange eater.

Smoked salmon with soy cream cheese and sliced Anaheim peppers?

Makes for one hell of a breakfast. Not a bad hangover cure, either.

- TWO (2) -

The best gift I received this Christmas?

A pair of new Ariat boots from my dad.

It should be illegal for western-cut cowboy boots to be so comfortable, right out of the box.

He made a point of telling me that the boots were on sale, the soles were better suited for Yankee Ohio, and that I should be able to get four or five years' wear out of the suckers.

Didn't even notice the color. Didn't care. Durable. That's all that mattered.

You know, that's what I love about my dad. Practical. Efficient. Conscious of the sheer amount of pointless consumerism that's destroying America one wasted dollar at a time.

Always wondered who taught me how to shop...

Hell, I still wear his father's cowboy hat. Who the hell would throw out a perfectly good hat?

- ONE (1) -

The funniest things I've heard/read since I've returned to Oxford Fucking Ohio:


I don't know what's more pathetic - the fact that you actually admit to having a blog, or the fact that I've read it.

- One of the "bowling buddies," while shooting a late night game of pool.

"Dude, did you just hit on my mom?"

- Not one of the "bowling buddies."

"Here's your motherfucking X-mas gift. Robot Chicken Season 1. Had [publicist] send you a copy since you haven't returned one fucking call in two months. Move to L.A. Kisses asshole :) ~ Vicky Stagina."

[When I picked the package up at the post office, the clerk pronounced the name "Stuh-JEAN-ah." It wasn't until a few days afterward that I actually got the joke. While at work. In the middle of a rather boring meeting. I almost choked to death on my coffee.]


"Nothing like raw sewage to make ya feel all warm and fuzzy inside."

- Custodian, at work, referencing a recent plumbing malfunction.

"I think we should Facebook him. Asshole. Wait until he ends up on Facebook."

- Two female students in the ZenFo Library,
upset by the fact that I was running a drill this afternoon.

* * * *

There's a Special Needs gentleman here in Oxford who has told me, at least once a week for the past two years, that I remind him of Jon Voight's character in Midnight Cowboy.

He mentioned it again, five minutes ago, on his way out of a local coffee shop.

It always seems to make my day, for some reason.

- ### -

As always with these meme things, consider this an "Open Source" tag. If you feel it, steal it and make it your bitch.