Saturday, April 22, 2006

Six Things You Really Don't Need to Know about Me...

MizB posted this kinda-sorta meme she a few days ago, and I've been working on my version ever since...



I've had several people over the last few months ask me why I sometimes smell like blueberries - not exactly the most masculine scent. I never noticed it, but as soon as someone pointed it out I smelled it everywhere. And it took me forever to figure out the answer.

Last year, I spent a lot of time with a certain adult entertainer/performer, who would occasionally drop in for weekend visits. She kept a supply of basic toiletries in my shower. After it became apparent that our lifestyles wouldn't mesh and she wouldn't be returning for her rather pricey-looking stuff, I figured I'd go ahead and use them. I'm a guy...I don't care. Soap is soap, right?

If I'd actually bothered to read the labels, I would've realized that what I thought was facial scrub was actually blueberry-flavored sexual lubricant.

Hell, it looked like that Nivea stuff... It did, however, actually taste like blueberry cheesecake.


I learned to read cards in college and have been told I'm quite good at it. When I lived in California, I used to read cards - for free - in front of a coffee shop in Morro Bay. I gained some level of popularity because of it amongst fishermen, surfers, and skateboarders, mainly because I didn't claim to channel any psychic gift to predict the future. I simply used the cards as a means to help folks find answers for themselves and cut through most of the mumbojumbo.

I also taught several women how to read cards for themselves, which earned me the wrath of several "professional" psychics in the area. One of the strangest experiences I've ever had reading tarot cards happened in 1999, when this Sister Whatever, Storefront Wiccan literally burned sage and prayed for the goddess Diana to "destroy my manhood" while I was teaching a homeless high school girl how to interpret the Major Arcana.


I have this tendency to scratch my ass when I'm trying to solve a problem. And yes, I've even been known to do it in public.

I also do it when I get nervous. I once asked a girl out in college. She politely declined. Months later, I found out through a friend that she was completely embarrassed by the fact that I asked her out in a crowded coffee shop...while scratching my ass.


I actually live the overwhelming majority of my non-work life like a hermit. Or a monk. Or both.

I also bore rather easily. I view becoming a librarian as being almost quasi-retirement, having already earned my emeritus status in the esteemed School of Hard Knocks.

I had someone send me a text message late Friday, inviting me to a "dance club" here in Oxford. (Take a subpar disco from some impoverished Baltic republic, magically transport it to the American Midwest, and fill it with rich girls who think they're Paris Hilton - that's the level of sophistication of Oxford's nightclubs.)

Given the problems I've had living my normal hermetic life because of this blog, I don't frequent these kinds of places. The girl who sent the message - a simple STADIUM NOW - has poked fun of me in the past because I only drink at "adults-only" establishments. Well, there's a reason for that...

I decided to go, in spite of my better judgment. I was a bit tipsy and didn't want to risk driving. I paid a three-dollar cover to be bored out of my mind, have eight girls insist on taking photos with me in my Stetson (I really don't want to know), have some girl rub her ass on my crotch, and watch the woman who'd invited me make out with this guy who resembled an Eminem/John Kerry lovechild.

I was bored shitless. I'm in this club where everybody's bumping-and-grinding and I end up leaning against the wall, trying not to draw attention to myself. I should've let loose a little, but I couldn't help but notice the bad sound design, the crappy light rig, and the fact that the security staff are about as worthless as a dead poodle.


I can't drive without music playing. Correction. Without loud music playing. And as sick as it might sound, I don't really care what pedestrians think.

I do turn my radio down by schools and in residential zones; I'm not one of those assholes with thousands of dollars' worth of Alpines and subwoofers crammed into the trunk of a used car.


I'm a horrible librarian. I don't really enjoy reading novels. Honestly, I'd rather wait for the movie version.

I read nonfiction and poetry almost exclusively. I also read a lot of UN documents in my free time and am addicted to the Journal of the American Society for Information Science and Technology.


Smurf said...

This reminds me of several things... the journal writings you let me read at UNC of "the wrong side of the trax"... just when you said you dont like reading novels cuz I remember saying what you wrote reminded me of "To Kill a Mockingbird" in a way.

So Blueberry Cheesecake lubricant.. hmm... would you recommend it? ;) lol... now.. is this the kind you also breathe on and it gets warm or hot? I love that stuff... lol ...that is too funny!

And the destroying of the manhood... umm... wow Jason... that's umm... wow... you sure do have some interesting things happen in your life sweety. Semi retirement? Are you ok?

kristy said...

Only 94 things to go?

You failed to mention how successful the psychic was who saged you. Any impact there? Or is that a secret?

I love tarot cards. Wish I could read them...

Casey Kochmer said...

The blueberry scrub had me on my arse laughing.. Thats your secret to why so many women are asking you to the night clubs!

Kewl on the Cards, I also read, but i have mixed in various other elements , such as runes and other items in the deck I made myself. Its fun as it isn't about psychic readings, its simply reading the patterns for others to see. I find it so funny that people want to know the future: when they always want their past to be different. So instead of just changing their life as they live it, to be what they desire, so many just try to force it be someway in some reading...
people are very strange indeed.

Miz BoheMia said...

Ha, ha, haaa! Loved the ass scratching part... I know my daughter would laugh her head off about that one... she is 5 and into anything to do with potty humor!

Ooooh! You can read Tarot cards? I think I'd be too afraid to have mine read...

Loved the list my friend! Glad you did it!

Chewie said...

well there was definatly some interesting things there... and 1st of all i have to say sorry caus i know that because of knowing me that is why you were criticizing the lighting and sound at that night club... i can't help it.. i always do it.. and you just got the backlash of it ;-)

and the cards in morro was definatly some fun times... but i will never forgive you for that one reading you made me do at that one coffee shop in SLO... and you remmber what it is.. i know you do :-D

Cowgirl said...

I am still laughing about number 6!

The ZenFo Pro said...

OMG! Totally forgot that! And my tendency to dump "CK" for "X" ... :)

Actually, if the lube had some fruit peices in it, it'd taste a bit like sugar-free jelly. Thought it might be good on toast...

Lol...I know if J.'s reading this (or any of her people), I'm so getting made fun of right now.

Chica, the way I beat around the bush in posting, I'd max out the bandwidth going to a hundred ;) (I'll write a brief post eventually.)

Lol..don't think there was any impact, other than the homeless girl developed a crush on me, which was annoying. It may have had a positive effect on the girl, though - it inspired her to quit using drugs and become a nurse. (Homeless girl now married, or so I've heard - with a home :)

Not hard at all! I've even done a demonstration in my library, in day, I'll have to post on it :)

Lol...yeah, nothing says sex appeal like blueberry cheesecake. At least it wasn't that self-heating stuff. Lord, I can't imagine going into a meeting wearing that.

I read runes as well, but I'm definitely more influenced by traditions found in the Deep South. I tried finding someone in New Orleans to teach me how to read cat bones, but, alas...voudun are pretty damned secretive. I can put together a pretty badass gris-gris to this day ;)

I treat readings the same way you're describing. It's more a intrapersonal communication device than anything else. All divination tools are.

Glad you liked it. I enjoyed yours way too much...boogies, snot, and mom's pig boyfriends...classic Bohemian.

Lol...dude, there is NO WAY to describe how shitty the lighting and sound design are in clubs around here. They definitely could use the Chewie Touch, man. We're talking Ukrainian Cathouse bad.

Oh, I remember that reading. Very difficult. Lineaus, right? Back courtyard? And who did I ask you to read for, hmmm?

You have grown past my teaching, grasshopper :)

Lol...if Kfig wasn't on vacation, she'd be lighting me up like a firecracker for this ...

Lol. It's just sex lube! ;) C'mon. Everybody should try it...just once. It's so....slimy...

I'm really glad I waited to respond to these comments. Lol...I haven't laughed this hard in a few days!