Showing posts with label Local U.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Local U.. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

OXFORD CONFIDENTIAL:
Babysitting Drunk Heartbroken Blondes, "Bald-Lay the Sex Poet," & Demon-Killing Cheerleaders on an "Old School" TV

Baudelaire - Les Fleurs du Mal - 1993 Digital ...Image by Feuillu via Flickr

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- A quarter of a handle later, she says she's ready to talk about This Guy She Sorta Hooked Up With.

The sun's just beginning to sink down into the Indiana countryside to the west. After work, I'd put down four pints on an empty stomach, followed by a spinach salad. I don't need any hard liquor in my system, especially not 80-proof, kerosene-flavored booze from a plastic jug.

The vodka she's been drinking since Sunday night, in and of itself, would've turned most people's stomachs based on smell alone.

"So...okay... you 'sorta' hooked up with an asshole, chica... look, these things happen...don't beat yourself up like this..."

Silence. Homegirl stares up at the shitty, ancient tile work, head as if she's trying to stare down time itself as it crumbles the ceramic ashy grout to oblivion.

For the record, yes, Homegirl and I are sitting in her bathroom, in off-campus student flophouse, a rather run-down, tiny place. I'm sitting on the toilet, she's in the tub in her workout clothes.

(Welcome to the Local U. A girl'll blow off a week's worth of classes and showers on a bender but, hell, to not hit the Rec Center or skip the tanning bed? Please...)

It's not even eight at night, but she's three or four swigs away from beating the sunset to the blackout finish line.

All because, well, the only guy she's met since she's been at college who seemed to be one she could fall in love with, who seemed to tell her all the right things, who even seemed to understand her sometime insecurities and fears and social awkwardness...

... seemed to be, after the hook-up, just another douchebag who could seem just decent enough to play her like a game of Solitaire, just to get into her panties.

The silence continues.

We're waiting for her roommates to get home. Actually, they're the ones who called me to babysit while they went to class, to jobs. I'm not the best babysitter.

I'm looking for my out. I'm 31, it's a work night, and I'm not really in the mood to spend my whole evening with a drunk woman barely old enough to drink.

And I'm not sure if I'm just talking to fill the silence, rambling to stall until she realizes that I'm probably not the best person to talk to about why guys say what they say when they're trying to get in a girl's pants...

"You know, you're really suave for a library guy," she says. "You'reanokay...not bad looking... guy. You're, like, old, but you don't use women, an'...Hey I wanna go to the library!"

"Um, no."

"I want to go. Annnnn-da I wanna get some really sex...poet...poetry... Baudelaire... Or Bald-LAY...? I...uh..."

"Um, no."

Momentary silence again as she does the drunken internal debate thing, the mental catch-up all drunk people do.

Then the grin. Impish.

"WE SHOULD READ SEXY POETRY AND BECOME HIPPIES AND I'LL BE YOUR HOTYOUNG...Hot...Hot.. kid hippie girl..."

Fading, fading, fading fast. We need to get out and about. She needs to walk it off, move, do something other than mope and drink.

"Um, no. Hey, want me to make you some coffee?..."


* * * *

At this point, I decide to murder, in three breathlessly large gulps, the remainder of the 1.75 liter bottle of vodka, to keep her from drinking anymore while we wait.

In twenty minutes, it'll hit me. Ten minutes later, one of her roommates, one who's never met me, will open the bathroom door to find her youngest roommate & "You work at _____ Library, right?" Guy talking about oral sex, S&M, and College Republicans.

Approximately One-Point-Seven-Five hours after killing the 1.75 liter bottle of vodka, we're going for a long stroll around town, down to the basketball arena, down to the ROTC obstacle course.

I'll do 20 chin-ups on the bar, she'll do four half-ones, fake girly ones.

The feat will take about 15 minutes longer than sober.

A cop will roll by as we're walking back towards her place later on, he'll slow down, I'll wave. Being more drunk than I am, she'll swear at the passing cruiser as I remind her that, yeah, I work with those guys in those cruisers.

We end up back at my place. By mistake. Sorta. Her idea.

It will seem like hours have passed since I murdered that handle of cheap, charcoal-filtered booze.

* * * *

I'll make a pitcher of iced green tea. She'll suck down half a bag of baby carrots, stretch out on the floor, flip on my "old school," robust, tube-driven, round-screen television.

We'll watch reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer until about 10:30ish. By that time, she'll have sobered up enough to realize her new Blackberry's been going off with texts and calls and IMs for a few hours.

Roommates. Worried roommates. She'll run to my bathroom, I'll hear muffled voices and keystrokes through the partially closed door.

Right after wandering off, the other roommate I'd never met will have assumed I'm the fucking douchebag she hooked up with the previous weekend - short, cropped hair, hazel eyes, nice eyelashes and shoulders. Kinda chachball-looking, fratty, and "older" (i.e., 23 or 24 years-old, not 31). I

'll laugh as the description is being read to me from her phone.

"Oh God. They think you're T_____. Oh. Wait. Just _____ thinks you're T____. Oh God....They...Oh...My...Gosh...They think we're...oh..."

"Hahaha....Um, no."

Silence.

"Okay. I've gotta go. Awkward..."

I'll walk her to the door. We'll hug. She'll say thanks for talking, for listening, for hanging out.

I'll find out, wow, apparently, I'm good for something other than just being the Ex-Other Man in this town, that, hell, I'm not as big a douchebag as I think sometimes.

Within seconds of her leaving, I'll puke, barely having held the vodka-marinated spinach salad for as many hours as I will have done...

And I'll get electronic apologies for the next 24 hours. Apparently, well, for some reason, I'll be told that I'm even more intimidating in person for the thousandth time by a local undergrad.

Not one word about Baudelaire and his sexy poetry.

But, within that 24 hours, I'll make a note to include Baudelaire.

And the Hot Kid Fake Hippie sidekick offer.

Hmm? Maybe...?

Um, no.

- # # # -

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO)
DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS:
Fucking Insane Library Funding Cuts, Rattled Chains, Fashion Mishaps, & Other Nonsense


"Governor Strickland, in proposing to cut almost a quarter-billion in public library funding, has essentially declared war on intellectual freedom and the public's access to information. Should this budget pass, whole generations of Ohioans will suffer in terms of quality of life, community, and public welfare."

- THE ZENFO PRO,
"Official" library blogger response

To the Ohio Democrat's budget.

Because cutting support to libraries during a recession is akin to cutting police officer salaries during a riot.

* * * *

"What the fuck?!? So is he trying to intentionally make sure Ohio's full of fucking dumb people?"

- AN OXFORD RESIDENT
& PUBLIC LIBRARY PATRON,

Upon hearing about the governor's planned cuts

One of probably a thousand such comments I've heard from folks around the state.

* * * *
Where do bad folks go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
They go down to the lake of fire and fry
Won't see them again till the fourth of July...

- THE MEAT PUPPETS, "Lake of Fire,"
Music and lyrics by C. Kirkwood, 1984

For the record, yes, the United states used to be known for producing great rock music NOT prepackaged by some reality television exec.

* * * *
"Do you hear...chains? I can't stand the sound of chains."

"Dude, that's just your half-black heritage reacting to four hundred years of oppression and slavery."

- BARROOM CONVERSATION,
June 23, Oxford Fucking Ohio
* * * *
"... Goddamn, I used to get an erection flying over Vietnam..."

- MASTER WANE-FU, U.S. Army (Ret.),
June 19, Local watering Hole

I'd tell his Thai hookers in Saigon story, but the man is rumored to be able to kill at fifty yards with only a plastic spoon and a rubber band...

* * * *
"We have a center-right party and a crazy party. And over the last thirty-odd years, Democrats have moved to the right, and the Right has moved into a mental hospital."

- BILL MAHER, opening monologue, June 19,
"Real Time with Bill Maher,"
HBO television series

Couldn't have said it better myself.

* * * *
"California's broke as a motherfucker. In fact, it's so broke it can't afford a mother to fuck, dude."

- ANONYMOUS, May 22,
On life in the Golden State
* * * *
"Well, guys don't seem to get that painting and writing, for me, is the ultimate aphrodisiac. I think art is that way for a lot of women - hey, you stand a better chance with me in a museum or library than a fucking bar."

- LOCAL U. ALUM, Class of 2005
Uptown Oxford, Reunion Weekend

Well, with the threat of even further cuts to Ohio's libraries and museums, guess a lot of guys won't ever get that chance...

* * * *
"You're nowhere near fashionable. You're like the Antichrist of Fashion or something. Do you own anything BUT black tee shirts and jeans?"

- AN UNDERGRAD FASHION CRITIC,
On my wardrobe choices

Black tees and jeans never go out of style. But another undergrad blog lurker's critique of my "denim shorts with Dr. Martens and blue socks" ensemble at work was, well, dead-on...

- # # # -

Saturday, September 20, 2008

OXFORD CONFIDENTIAL - BLACKOUT 2008 EDITION:
Of Protest Stupidity, Libraries as Community Relief, & Other Electricity-Free Tales

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- He fidgets with the brim of his ball cap. He's already readjusted his oversize basketball shorts four times in just over five minutes.

Homeboy finally settles into his carefully maintained slovenly student image after staring at his reflection in the storefront, adjusting his shirt one final time.

It's Thursday night, after all, and he's just explained that this is his regular Young Honey night - a weekly occurrence where he and his friends prowl the Uptown Oxford bars in search of something underage and naive, some poor, dumb, first- or second-year girl to buy drinks for and go home with.

Only after he looks perfect does he continue his drunken explanation of the Great Local U. Blackout Riot of 2008, quite possibly one of the dumbest student protests to ever grace a college campus.

"Fuck the police! They weren't gonna use fucking tear gas. This is ____ University we're talking about. It's not like we were blocking an interstate or anything."

Well, actually, the protesters managed to block off U.S. 27, the only major highway into or out of Oxford, smack dab in the middle of cleanup and relief efforts for a storm-ravaged area. And those cops homeboy's so adamant about fucking? Six agencies responded, all from areas equally impacted by a blackout that encompassed, at one point, more than one million people in Ohio alone.

All because anywhere from 2,000 to 3,000 Local U. students decided Monday night to protest the university's decision to reopen campus after it became apparent that Duke Energy would be able to restore power to most buildings by early Tuesday morning.

The protest was held in front of the university president's house. Funny thing. The president wasn't home at the time. The protesters spent more than five hours chanting in front of an empty house.

And according to various sources, at one point, those police officers had canisters out and ready to go. Thankfully, things were mostly controllable, and only a few folks had to be maced or arrested.

"So what do you think the protest accomplished? Obviously, the university still held classes. Do you think this was something meaningful, or just what the local media's been calling it - spoiled rich kids whining while others are suffering in the Gulf?"

He tugs at his crumpled shirt once more and nods his chin towards a very pretty, yet not-too-intelligent looking blonde girl in a black cocktail dress. He changes the subject for a moment. The blonde, he says, gives amazing blowjobs. And she likes being fucked without a condom.

"Look, man, I've gotta go. Pussy calls. But, yeah, it was fucking stupid. We were bored. I just went because I wanted classes canceled so we could have another Blackout party..."

And with that, Homeboy wanders off into the night. I click my recorder off. It's been a while since I've tried to write as a reporter. Forgot how hard good quotes are to get. This is the umpteeth We were bored excuse for attending Monday night's protest I've heard in four days.

Yep. Some college students stage protests over things like war, poverty, and other human woes. Here? Off-campus students protest having to go to class. Because they're bored.

It's only nine o'clock at night, and, suddenly, I need a drink. It's been a while, too, since I've been so ashamed to have wasted a perfectly good interview on a completely worthless human being.

* * * *

Last weekend, the remnants of Hurricane Ike blew through the Miami Valley like the wake of an atomic bomb, with wind gusts nearing 75 miles per hour shredding trees, ripping apart roofs, and turning the Tri-State's power grid into an electric version of Swiss cheese.

It's taken the better part of the week to get power back to most of the region. As I write, there are still several thousand homes still without electricity. The grocery stores and restaurants are still restocking, still reeling from having to pitch millions in spoiled food. At one point, too, the major outlets had employees stand guard over dumpsters full of rotten meat to prevent the panicked from diving for a nauseating, bacteria-ridden dinner.

The Cincinnati metro area, Hamilton and Butler counties, were hit the hardest. Fortunately for most folks, the various municipal water supplies remained mostly intact and unpolluted. The ability to shit, shower, and shave, even in pitch black darkness, was still available to most.

* * * *

My power went out Sunday afternoon, at just past two o'clock. The lights flickered back to life sometime late Thursday afternoon. My only storm damage was to a window in my living room - a gust literally pushed in a 20-pound sliding section, right over the flashing. Luckily, it didn't break when it collapsed - a pile of laundry broke the fall.

In all, I ended up pitching approximately $200 in food from my fridge. I was fortunate, as a bachelor. I know families, poor families, that had to pitch thousands in deep-freezer stock, people who are having to figure out how to suddenly feed children with what's left of increasingly devalued paychecks.

While it wasn't what I'd call luxurious to spend five days without electricity, without the ability to cook my own food or take a hot bath on demand, it wasn't all that bad. With natural disasters, well, basic things, matters of survival, tend to trump one's often petty desires for life's creature comforts.

Hell, I was just grateful for the ability to take a shit and to still have the toilet flush. And the fact that I'd, for some reason, happened to restring the ol' acoustic guitar last month. Amazing the things one appreciates at trying times.

Sure, I'll probably not want to eat another handful of trail mix or cold can of beans for a while, but, well, I was able (actually, required, as per my job function) to make it into work, to help keep my library's physical plant running with minimal resources and, at times, minimal staffing.

At one point, we were the only facility within 30 miles with working Internet access, live electrical outlets, and enough generator-heated water in the tanks to allow for thousands of hot shaves and sink-basin baths. We had thousands of community members spread out over four very packed levels. With only a handful of staff able to help them all out.

Hell, I managed to stop a major structural fire in my system's main library (a faulty emergency generator burned up), inspect all other facilities for storm damage, and, yes, even answer in excess of 250 reference questions over the course of one twelve-hour shift.

Fun week. I managed to rack up 60 hours on the job. If I were hourly, wow, that's be enough overtime to pay off a couple of credit cards...

* * * *

Actually, now that I think about it, I worked my way through that nasty-ass blackout. Most people in this town did. Including, yes, those fucking cops who worked right through that stupid protest in front of an empty university president's house.

A couple of those officers were the first on the scene of my generator fire and are currently on my I'm So Fucking Picking Up This Round list.

And that university president, too. He was doing his job during the storm's aftermath. I've seen that guy around town at more random hours of the day than I think I've ever seen any university administrator, ever. He's been talking to students and faculty, meeting with officials, shaking hands and patting shoulders and listening to complaints.

Right now, as people in Texas clean up from Ike, as other communities clean up from their hurricanes and natural disasters this summer, there's literally hundreds of thousands of folks who've been taking cold showers in the morning, dressing in last week's dirty laundry, and praying to all that is holy that they have enough gas to get to work and to provide needed services in an emergency.

But I guess that was too hard for some people. You know. Guys like Homeboy. While others are rebuilding, recovering, and getting by, he's still upset that he couldn't get in one more Blackout Party in an attempt to get his pecker wet.

And the gall of Homeboy's university, HIS future alma mater, asking someone of his obvious importance to actually do his job, to cowboy the fuck up and roll with the challenges life and Mother Nature sometimes throw our way.

In all fairness, there really weren't thousands of rioters blocking traffic and causing mayhem in this town Monday night, during the largest blackout in Ohio history. There were a few hundred actual, mostly intoxicated, agitators.

The rest were just observers, with nothing else to do. They stopped by to watch the freaks make idiots of themselves. There have only been a handful of such large protests in the university's two-hundred year history. Protesting anything is as foreign to Oxford Fucking Ohio as a burning candle at the bottom of the ocean.

Hell, I stopped by after work for a few moments myself, just to watch the shitshow.

I would've stuck around longer, but, well, I'd been actually helping to get this town back on its feet again and was fucking exhausted.

Forgive me for being to fucking tired to stick around, kids.

* * * *

So it's 9:30 Thursday night. I've just killed off two shots of Jack Daniels in a bar I normally avoid like the Plague.

It's been of fucking horrendous week, my friends, if I'm drinking straight Jack. By that point, I'd made up my mind that I was going to attend a local open mic night later in the evening and attempt to black myself out, for a change.

Rather than go home to finish disinfecting the old freezer and add another layer of caulk to my contractor-perfect window repair, I decide to walk off the sudden rush of booze, prep myself psychologically for the sweet relief that is to come when I return home to take my first near-scalding hot shower in five days.

I'm half an hour removed from trying my hand as an actual serious, topical writer. It's been years since I've whipped out the ol' Sony recorder, shoved it into random people's faces, gone hunting for soundbites and insights. I toss the damned thing into the cab of my truck, pissed that, well, I've only managed to document every negative stereotype of Local U. students, in their own words.

Trust me. There are thousands of stories like Homeboy's in this town.

Tales of spoiled girls who flooded the town's hotel rooms the moment their power was restored because, ugh, they couldn't do their hair in the dark and, OMG, who threw tantrums that the cable, yes, was still out in suites paid for with Daddy's credit card. Stories of undergrads in expensive cocktail dresses walking down the middle of black streets, drunk and blocking traffic.

One kid told me he was looking into filing lawsuits because he was unable to watch the Bengals game on TV Sunday night; another guy shared a supposedly heartbreaking experience - he had to forfeit money on an online gambling site because the power went out in the middle of a poker hand.

Tragic, isn't it?

* * * *

So I walked the streets and avenues of this town, the undergrad neighborhoods, trying to forget the whole thing. Why beat a dead, preppy, spoiled horse?

And then, at one house, a group of young women - library regulars - waved and hollered my way. I'd seen the trio numerous times over the course of the week, probably logged more than a few hours helping them individually answer reference questions.

They'd logged almost as many hours in my library as I had, charging laptops and cell phones and iPods, surfing the web for outage updates and news headlines. From the looks of it, the porch lights and all, their power had just been restored, too.

The group sat in folding chairs, a case of beer between them. An acoustic guitar rested against the porch railing. Each had a can of beer tucked in her crotch and a book - library books - laid across her knees.

I walk up to the porch just as one of the girls blurted out something like

"Bet you're gonna write about how FUCKED UP this week's been, huh?"

All three grinned. One girl handed me a beer. Natty Light. Shittiest beer known to man. But, well, it was cold.

Blog readers. Not once, all week, had a single one of them mentioned why they'd actually sought me out for my help with various projects. Hell, I'm not a reference librarian. It never occured to me that, well...

Sneaky devils, sometimes, these sorority girls.

I asked the group, as nonchalantly as I could, as if, yeah, I'm really some blogebrity or something, if they had any ideas on where to start documenting the Great Blackout of 2008.

We chatted for a bit and, well, they readily admitted that they had no idea where to start.

But they did, however, know how whatever I wrote should end.

* * * *

"Look, we're not all as stupid and bratty as those rioters. Fuck those bitches. A lot of people work really hard to make college what it is for all of us...."

"I mean, we're still here, right? And we're still sexy, smart, and sure look good for surviving a hurricane in Ohio...I mean, c'mon, we're hot and we survived the blackout, right...?"

"... And make sure you put in something about how all these whiny babies, like, need to grow the fuck up..."

"...And, oooh! Make sure you say how lucky we are to, like, still have places to live, you know? And, like, feel blessed because we're still alive to actually drink beer and still have a school to go to..."

Reminded me of my reporter days, actually. Back in the newspaper business. Fuck voice recorders. Always ended up with better source material writing things out, using things like cardboard from cases of beer...

- # # # -


Tuesday, July 29, 2008

JUST A TYPICAL SUMMER IN A COLLEGE TOWN:
Of Urban Hiking, Coppertone Patrons, & Why Your Campus Creeper's Really Scared of Librarians

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- I'll go ahead and call them the Sunshine Sisters.

All summer long, on my "walks" (seven mile, average, urban hikes - a habit I picked up from the Italian Backpacker Fling), I pass by these two young women, a pair of undergrads who seem to spend every sunny, summer day bikini-clad out on their front lawn, drinking Natty Light and reading fashion magazines through overpriced sunglasses.

Three or four times a week, I pass by. And they're out there, always.

I could hike up their street blind, in fact, and still identify their house - the scent of tanning oil and baked skin whips down the tree-lined street, drifts in between the decaying Victorian homes and student apartment tenements. They've become a benchmark along my hikes, a point at which I'm able to estimate my time and distance, as familiar a landmark as any house or street sign.

They watch me like hawks as I approach, their gaze following me as I passed by. At first, I'd do the polite wave thing. That evolved into an 'D Afternoon, ladies or a stray weekend Mornin', girls.

And they'd just stare through their shades, no movement or acknowledgment whatsoever aside from above the neck, bearing witness to my half-naked, sweat-soaked sidewalk sojourn at the fringes of their lawnchair kingdom.

* * * *

I didn't recognize her at first.

I'd happened upon this wayward patron while searching for a monograph myself in the second-floor stacks. She looked lost, the scrap paper crumpled up in her hand covered in scribbled partial Library of Congress call numbers, so being a, well, librarian, I asked if she needed some help.

And I didn't recognize her, actually, because I'd never seen her in anything but a bikini. She looked naked without a copy of Vogue on her knees. And, well, I think she figured out who I was, sorta, about ten seconds after I did - I'm the half-naked hiker.

You'd be surprised how fucking awkward it can be when two strangers, accustomed to seeing each other in swimwear, meet fully-clothed in a library. Took a good and painfully graceless five minutes to find the books she needed for her essay, simply because, well... what does one say, really?

Finally, the ice broke, the inelegance gone when the books were found, and the discussion evolved from course-related, needles-to-the-brain reading to pleasure reading to, well, just enjoying the Great Outdoors.

"Uh, this is gonna sound weird, but what's with the walking thing?"


"Oh. Bad knee. Can't jog. Kinda a hiker anyway..."

"Nuh-uh! Shut up! You're hiking? In Oxford?"

The patron's eyes light up. She lifts her leg and plops her foot down on one of the library's step stools. Pointing towards a zipper-shaped scar just below her patella, she explains that she's been having problems with pain since her surgery a few years back - high school sports injury.

I'm really glad, sometimes, that the library's been unusually dead this summer. Not sure how I'd explain to the ol' Boss of Bosses how, exactly, I'm helping a patron when the patron's pushing my fingers into her scar tissue in between rows of European history.

Yep, probably not the most professional of patron interactions. But it's a really cool scar.

* * * *

So let's fast forward, oh, five hours or so.

An unusually cool afternoon, partly cloudy skies, intermittent rays of good ol' summer sunshine tormenting my poor red back.

I hit the usual turn. No smell of tanning oil.

At first, I think I've somehow forgotten the street, the house. But, well, the landmarks are all the same - same rundown Victorian homes, same rotten student duplexes and triplexes, same slummy undergraduate upperclassman ghetto.

As I approach I notice there's no furniture in the lawn, the Who Dey! curtains gone from the windows, the inside of the house black as a starless midnight.

The Sunshine Sisters... moved? Without even saying goodbye? How the hell am I gonna gauge my time and distance now?

And I wonder if that chick got her paper turned in before five o'clock?

* * * *

So let's fast forward again, say, oh, another 36 hours.

Two in the morning, ten to twenty minutes until Last Call! for almost all of Oxford's Uptown bars. And I'm outside on the sidewalk on High Street, slightly inebriated and enjoying an unusually cool June night, walking past the main strip of bars when the ol' cell phone starts vibrating in my back pocket.

A text message from a strange number. The message read: Hey still awake? Are U Out or home??? I delete the text, figuring its just a drunk dial. Thirty seconds, later, same message. Not being too good at the whole text message thing, I simply dial the number back...

"Hiiiiii JAYY-sinnn. What's up, Mr. Librarian?"

"Um, not much. Who's this?"


"Izzahizz... I'm...hold on... SHHH! Shut up! I'm asking HIM... are, ah, you like somewhere near
[my library]. 'Cuz I'm outside and its closed an' there's this CREEPY guy, like hanging out..."

Researcher Sunshine. Took me a moment to recognize the voice. Don't even remember giving her my phone number, actually.

But obviously drunk enough to have staggered to an expectedly closed library at two in the fucking morning. Normally, during the school year, we're a 24-7 facility. But during the dog days of summer, when the Local U. kids are mostly out of town, we operate like, well, a normal library with normal library hours.

"...Okay chica, tell ya what. 'Bout a block away. Stay right there..."

Another hike. Great. At two in the fucking morning.

* * * *

Turns out both Sunshine Sisters - former roommates - had staggered down to my library after one too many whiskey-diets.

Having just moved out of their summer digs, well, they'd sorta drank enough to sorta forget where they were temporarily staying until they could move into their new place. Still having the keys to their old house, and a few days left on that lease, they figured they'd just go back, crash on the floor...

And the other Sunshine Sister? Well, turns out she'd interviewed me for a class assignment a few years back, about my library's $6 million face lift and the distractions caused to our users by the construction. From what I made out in the Drunk Girl / English translations, that's how the idea to give me a call came up, for some odd reason...

Creepy guys following you, walks down dark alleys, and too much booze rarely mix well in small college towns. Wasn't hard to figure out who the creeper was - the guy was skulking beneath a street lamp on the corner, doing the drunken zombie shadowdance with lager-fortified urine running down the front of his pants. Kid couldn't have been any older than twenty, twenty-one...

You know, I've been blackout, fall down blitzed before, but I've never been so completely bombed as to wander around in public, covered in piss, hollering at female passersby about my prowess in the sack. And I've slept with enough women to know that, yeah, anything that would find such behavior, er, lubricating, is probably marginally able to identify itself as a woman.

Anywho...

All I had to do was to walk two intoxicated super seniors past a barely standing kid who was creepy, sure, but in no condition to pose any threat to three people without so much as a weapon, much less a quickly debuzzified 30-year-old male.

I mean, c'mon - it's only a quarter-mile walk, right? Easy enough, right? I told the two women to just keep quiet, walk past the guy, and let me deal with it if the guy decided to start following us.

Well, if you've ever had to deal with drunk women, you can probably guess that the best laid security plans of mice and men...

"HEY YA FUCKIN' STALKER!" Interviewer Sunshine hollered as we passed the obliviously wasted kid. "This IZZZAGENTLEMAN! BRINGIT ya bishassfuckin CREEPER!"

"Yeah, my librarian'll kick your fucking azz ya fucking azzhole!" chimed in Researcher Sunshine, before turning to the street and other late night passersby, hollering, "MY LIBRARIAN WILL KICK ALL YOUR ASSES!"

The creepy guy just stood there, staring for a moment as he swayed in some nonexistent breeze, then, well, just staggered off into the night with a Fuck you, bishes! of his own.

He even growled at me, flexed imaginary biceps. Growled. Not like a scary, rabid dog growl, either. We're talking yapping poodle growl here.

But what kinda guy bails when he hears someone threaten to have a friggin' librarian kick some ass? Seriously. Why not just get a tattoo that reads IMA PUSSY scrawled across your forehead?

By three in the morning, I'm heading down dark, familiar streets, being pulled along by two women who smell of familiar tanning oil towards a familiar house. Literally walking intoxicated Super Seniors like a pair of hyperactive cocker spaniels, with one woman tugging at one hand and another dragging me along by the other.

Oh yeah. I'm glad most of my colleagues aren't usually up that late.

Don't even want to know what they'd think.

Most definitely not the most professional of patron interactions. But I'm not exactly the most professional of librarians at times, either.

- # # # -

Saturday, July 12, 2008

(SORTA) SHORT TAKES AND SUCH:
Of Charity and Foreign Women, How Poor Tippers Earn the Job Market's Wrath, & Yo F**kin' Mama Jokes

PHOENIX (ZP) -- She sipped her wine as if the glass would burst at any second.

Delicate, graceful sips. Too delicate, in fact, for an overpriced, low-grade airport bar Zinfandel. She said she loved it, at least the gesture of a young man buying her a drink after bumming her a cigarette in front of the Sky Harbor terminal, but all the elegance in the world cannot mask the rancid bouquet of a shitty Chilean vino.

She was leaving her husband-to-be, flying back to her native Balkan homeland to see if she could salvage what was left of her professional and personal life.

"American men, pfft!" she said. "Worse than Russian men."

I smile as the woman explains her predicament. She's visibly angry but, well, glad to have someone who'll listen. I may, in fact, be the last U.S. citizen other than a flight attendant that she converses with for a long time.

* * * *

There was a time, for those born with a penis or from within this continent, when North America's men were thought of as being as iconic and desirable as we are in our globally broadcast media, in our frontier literature and poetry and Western shoot-em-ups and love stories, thought to be the perfect Modern Life Partners of Tomorrow by the romantic dreamers of Eastern Europe and the Least Developed Nations of the Southern Hemisphere.

But, well, when the Iron Curtain fell and the Third World started clawing its way into the Internet Age, that entire mythology was soon stripped down to a harsh, bitter reality. We're not - and never were - the models for a liberated, independent manhood our writers and actors have made us out to be.

And, to be fair here, North American women aren't exactly considered leaders in the liberation/independence arena anymore, either. I once had a women's rights activist, from an African nation, no less, refer to the so-called Women's Movement on this continent as nothing more than an academic joke, risk-free beyond a fiery lecture or blog post in the war against evils such as wartime rape, sex slavery, or even women's reproductive rights.

But I digress...

This is about North America's men. And there are too many men on this continent who value golf more than their partners, men who would kill to keep their toys pristine and perfect before they'd defend their spouse's rights to self-determination, men who are more like the Ming the Mercilesses of a Discompassionate Capitalism than the Flash Gordons of New World independence.

* * * *

She thought she'd fallen in love with a cowboy - a real, honest-to-God COWBOY! - on a Mediterranean cruise a few years back. He said he owned a ranch, horses and cattle, drove a big pick-up truck. He talked a good game, too, with promises of citizenship and endless trips to Las Vegas and the Hawaiian Isles.

They made love the first night they met, spent the rest of their holiday together, made love across Italy, Greece, and southern Spain. And they parted ways to return to their home countries, emailed and talked on the phone and wrote each other long love letters.

And then, despite her still Soviet-leaning mother's warnings about the evil Capitalists of the West, who were JUST like the Russian capitalists, she decided to leave her country just as its civil problems were subsiding and to move to the good ol' United States to be with her boyfriend.

She threw away her blossoming career in a developing free market economy, cast aside her doubts and her advanced college degrees in the applied sciences...

... Only to waste whole months of her life playing babysitter to a "cowboy" who turned out to be nothing more than an alcoholic, abusive prick who'd inherited a Big Western U.S. ranch, chopped it into tiny pieces of real estate, and sold it off to suburban developers for enough cash to live the carefree life of a lazy multimillionaire.

* * * *

She'd finally decided to return home after picking up an adjunct teaching job at a university for a semester in her field. After all, she'd been a professor back home...

The Bullshit Cowboy demanded that she quit. She wasn't fixing him dinner every night, wasn't making sure their Mexican housekeeper wasn't stealing his gringo finery, wasn't spending time with his buddies' wives shopping and doing girl things. She was, after all, another piece of gringo finery in his collection, a thing herself.

His jealousy and anger, his insistence on her being able to fly to Cancun during midterms or to cancel classes because he needed a pretty armband to gamble with him, ended up proving her mother right: love can't be bought, even in the West, even by a wealthy wrangler wannabe.

* * * *

She finishes her wine with a swirl of the last sip and a final delicate tipping of commercial-grade stemware. I ask if she'd like another; she says she doesn't want to abuse my kindness or for me to get the wrong idea about her. She's put down two glasses already and a plate of potato skins, all on my credit card.

And I'm almost half her age, a young man, after all. Young men who buy women drinks in airport bars...

"Honey, if I'm ever in your neck of the woods, and we meet again, you can pay."

"You are - how do you say - a 'ladykiller,' eh? Flirting with old women..."

"Nope. Just been where you are now. And your ex must be an idiot to let a woman like you..."

Sometimes, a North American, particularly a natural-born man of these ol' United States, just has to do his patriotic duty and buy a No-way-she's-really-44! Balkan woman a drink in an airport bar.

And the best displays of patriotism, the best my country has ever had to offer the world, has always been through our often senseless acts of compassion. The same holds true for my compatriots in Canada, in Mexico, in the Caribbean and even Greenland.

Hey, the women of the Developing World once thought American men were the solution to their own problems, and relief to the coldness of the officially sex-neutral alternatives offered by Soviet-style communism, once thought we were the icons of our silver screens, all Errol Flynns and Clark Gables and Cary Grants, Deerslayers and cowboys, astronauts and athletes and the Men of Tomorrow.

How far those iconic visions fall from the truth, sometimes.


- MORE -


CINCINNATI (ZP) -- They were like overgrown fratboy versions of gorillas trapped in a zoo, throwing bullshit bravado about like lower primates throw turds at elementary school kids on a field trip.

Affirmative Action. That was why this trio of Local U. alums couldn't find jobs. How these supposedly educated men ranted about illegal aliens and minorities, about Feminazis and peaceniks!

I mean, c'mon... who HASN'T blamed their lack of a job on ... er... liberal media bias?

Never mind that they'd spent their undergrad careers building resumes full of student activities, social events, and the occasional charity gig. Never mind, too, that the only jobs any of the three had ever worked were summer jobs in high school, as lifeguards and caddies at country clubs.

They did internships, goddammit! INTERNSHIPS! They typed up copy, fetched coffee for lower management! And my God! Who could live off that Fortune 500 company's offer of ONLY 30K a year? They have expenses, need to buy new SUVs, buy houses, plan those trips to Europe, get hot corporate exec-style bitches!

And who, right of college, should be expected to work for - GASP! - less than $70 thousand a year? In Ohio? That's, like, what poor people make!

* * * *

"Dude, what do you pull down? I mean, librarians must make, what? A hundred grand a year?"

Oh suuuure, I thought to myself. Educators are just rolling in the dough.

Hell, I know library and museum employees who would kill to pull down thirty grand a year. There are public librarians working in cities eligible for fucking government assistance, teachers in rural areas living below the poverty line along with their students.

But, no, it's Affirmative Action laws and not the unrealistic expectations of the lazy, not the lack of experience or the arrogant salary demands of recent college graduates who don't seem to understand that nobody gives a shit how many Greek Weeks their organizations won.

Welcome to a shitty job market. Now suck it up and go scrape by like the rest of us poor people living below your lifestyle poverty line...

* * * *

The woman who'd invited me down to dine with her and her friends snickered as I rolled my eyes and looked at the clock on my cell phone.

She knew I was bored. She knew I'd be bored when she invited me to hang out with her childhood friends and their respective boyfriends. That was the point, after all.

I've written about the ol' Local U. in Oxford Fucking Ohio from primarily my prospective and those of other Oxford residents. It's about damned time I wrote something about what other Ohio college students and graduates see, particularly when their friends return home with that expensive Local U., Public Ivy parchment in hand...

Her parents were retired schoolteachers. And they'd made, like, so much money in their lives that she'd been able to coast through college on as little as a shitload of financial aid, two jobs, and four credit cards' worth of debt.

She'd been accepted to the Local U. but couldn't afford it. She went to a supposedly less prestigious state school, graduated, and took the first job she could find - outside her preferred career path. Hey, she waited tables through college - there's no way retail sales could be any worse. Money's money in a faltering economy, after all.

* * * *

"Yo, Jerry-"

"JASON."

"Yeah, whatever. How much you pulling down on that web site? You know, with ads and shit?"

"Um, I'm an ad-free blogger."

"What about those-"

"Nonprofits and charities. I don't make money off the thing."

All three of these supposed future leaders looked at me as if I'd just murdered their firstborn child, recrucified Jesus of Nazareth, and had shat along the hallowed sidewalks of Wall Street.

No money? Write for... fun? As a hobby?

Oh, the horror. The horror of it all.

* * * *

When it came time to pick up the tab, the gorillas were the last to go for their wallets.

They waited. Waited to see how much of the check their employed girlfriends would pick up. After all, THEY were the ones who would have to go beg Mommy and Daddy for money later in the month...

Everybody paid cash and tipped out the waitress. I tipped my five bucks. My host, a former server herself, tipped a whopping ten bucks on a twenty-dollar share - mainly because of the server, an attractive, perky light-skinned black woman from Downtown, had been forced to deal with her friends' obnoxious drunken beaus. Her friends tipped out at the standard fifteen percent, to the penny.

And the jobless trio, the future leaders of industry who were being stripped of their destiny by the welfarish slave wages of the middle-class, by women like our server?

They tipped a combined two dollars and fifty-three cents. On more than one hundred dollars' worth of alcohol and food. One of the chachballs even made a point of handing the waitress his dollar and telling her saying something like, Keep the change.

I dropped an extra ten-spot on the table. If I hadn't, well, I'm fairly certain I would've dropped three overgrown pricks right there in a crowded restaurant.

As somebody who worked his way through college and who volunteers his free time to help out Local U. students in the same boat as he was, well, there's no way to explain my rage in even normally profane terms...

"Bro, yo! You tipped twice."

"Yeah, it's all that mad librarian money I make."

There's a reason you're begging for Mommy and Daddy Warbuck's help, boys, even with those expensive pieces of parchment.

And it ain't Affirmative Action...

- MORE -

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- He plopped down on the barstool beside me, tipsy but strangely perplexed.

A few minutes earlier, I'd made a joke about his mother. A mutual acquaintance had, well, been so drunk as to make a pass at his mom (a very nice lady, really) the night before. And I'd, well, just had comment on it...

It wasn't even an obscene crack. Almost PG-13 in intensity. Nowhere near the usual sorts of Dude, I fucked your Mom last night... or I would've called but your Mom wouldn't get her fat ass off my face... maternal barbs commonly overheard at the ol' Local Watering Hole.

Calm night for insults all around, actually. Not a single Dead Baby joke to be heard, only one reference to sodomizing dead celebrities, not even jokes about clown suits and child molesters...

* * * *

"Can you fucking believe that fucking guy? What the fuck, man?"

Another, more intoxicated bar patron had apparently overheard my friendly insult. And apparently, wherever he usually drinks away his Friday nights, it's not in the same sort of bar this one happens to be.

"Dude, that asshole said I should punch you in the fucking face for, like, talking about my MOM!"

"No shit?"

"Yeah, he, like, even said he'd do it for ME for twenty bucks!"

"You're fucking shitting me..."

"No, serious. This fucker just wouldn't shut up about it..."

* * * *

Obviously, like I said, the would-be hitman hadn't visited the bar before. It's the sorta saloon where mothers are the natural target of every obscene jester's insults, even amongst the women who frequent the place.

And, well, if ya drink or eat there enough, well, trust me, your mom will turn into a punchline, too.

* * * *

"Dude! Wait!"I said, killing off my pint. "That skinny-ass bitch wanted to fight ME...for YOU?!?"

The guy sitting beside me, you see, is a former high school and college football player. Besides the usual Your Mom jokes, he's often pelted with wisecracks about everything from 'Roid Rage to being a dumb jock stereotype. And, well, he's built like a brick shithouse. The guy's got arms the size of tree trunks.

"Yeah, crazy. We've been doing this for, what? Three fucking years?"

"Well, maybe you shoulda taken the money. I mean, I dunno... do ya think I could take all 120 pounds of him? I mean, I'm, like, a librarian an' shit..."

Ya know, I'm not exactly built like your stereotypical librarian. In fact, I'm more likely to be mistaken for a cop or a Marine, given my build. Kinda built like a brick shithouse myself, given my profession.

Not to brag here, but I'm fairly certain that would be one physical information literacy lesson that poor scrawny kid would remember.

And that, well, was funnier to my former football player friend than the crack about his mother.



- # # # -


Saturday, January 26, 2008

ONLY WOMEN BLEED
(AND OTHER LIES ALICE COOPER TOLD ME):
Sometimes, Image is, Indeed, Everything. But What's Really Being Communicated, Well...

Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson,
from Self-Reliance, 1841
OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- He told her, bluntly, that he'd slept with her first-year roommate as well as her best friend, two women mere days apart back in November, because she'd got kind of fat. He didn't care what she thought, didn't care that she loved him, he was going to spend his last semester in college sowing his oats and seeing women who wouldn't damage his rep.

I read the email, aloud, and tell her that, yes, obviously, her ex-boyfriend is one of those goddamn collar-popping, limp-dicked, pieces of motherfucking catshit chachballs I've often written about here in Oxford Fucking Ohio.

I declined her offer to show me his picture. Frankly, the guy's email turned my stomach to the point where I was ready to quite literally beat the living shit out of him.

I hand the very pretty, healthy-looking sophomore another wad of toilet tissue. She points out that she did, in fact, gain eight and a half pounds during a rather rough Fall Semester. When he quit calling her at home over Winter Break, she knew their relationship was in trouble. The strain of it all pushed her weight up a bit farther - she gained another ghastly, obscene pound and a quarter.

The poor woman's been sobbing for a week, off and on, depressed not only over a failed relationship, but over the fact that she'd ballooned to a beastly 126 pounds.

She goes on to explain that she hasn't been able to eat, sleep, or think clearly for seven days - she's terrified that, well, maybe every guy's noticed how much weight she's gained. She's been taking so much Adderall that one of her professors actually pulled her aside after class to inquire about her emotional and physical well-being.

She took her first shower in more than three days moments after I'd confirmed our "appointment" an hour earlier. She apologized profusely for not shaving her legs, for not drying her hair, or for putting on much makeup. She barely remembered to pull on her lucky track pants and Uggs boots when she exited her room for the first time all day, just long enough to sneak me into her residence hall.

For ten minutes, she tells me about all about how she managed her weight like a sadistic nutritional accountant, how she'd counted every single gram of fat and every single calorie for most of her high school career. But no matter how hard she tried...

* * * *

She jumped up off of the corner of her bottom bunk, bent over, and pointed at why, exactly, she thought she'd been dumped by a rather-worthless sounding prick.

"Look. My ass is fucking HUGE! I got cellulite every-WHERE! Who would want that?"

I looked. I saw nothing but a very nice ass attached to rather attractive girl, a very pretty face staring back at me from over a shoulder. She tugged down one side of her track pants, pulled up the leg of her boxers, showed me the four dimples at the crease between her ass and thigh.

Here is this emotionally wrecked, tired, angry woman, with quite possibly one of the greatest asses in the history of college sophomoredom here in Oxford Fucking Ohio, and she's telling a 29-year-old single librarian about how gaining less than ten pounds has ruined her, driven her rather wretched-sounding boyfriend into the arms of other women, and how this one electronic voice in the wilderness just must agree with her thigh-cheese-equals-troll assessment.

"Chica, I probably shouldn't say this, but I think you know you're not fat, know this cat was a cocksucker, and that this Ms. Perfect shit just makes you look like a dumbass."

There is no way to describe the looks some very pretty sophomores can give a guy when they know, deep down, that that guy may have a point.

"Huh?"

"Well... this ain't really about getting dumped by a douche. Sounds to me like this is about how you see yourself as a person..."

It's amazing, sometimes, the sheer maturity and wisdom I'm able to demonstrate, even with a nice ass in my face.

* * * *

She sat back down on the bed.

I waited for her to call me what blog readers who've mistaken me for some College Girl Crusader or Small Town Defamer often call me - a fraud, a huckster, or, usually, a fucking creepy asshole. Worse, there are some folks who are just appalled - downright DISGUSTED - to learn that, well, being a blogger makes one more of a village idiot than any sort of role model.

When I display the same sort of honesty offline as I often display online, many folks are taken aback, shocked. Yes, I swear like a drunken sailor, say completely inappropriate, insensitive, very un-PC things.

What one reads is what one gets - and if a reader asks a certain blogger to make a housecall to talk, that reader isn't in for any sort of bullshit Blogebrity routine. In all honesty, I don't have time for that ego-stroking, narcissistic horseshit - I work too hard at my day job and know too many good people in this town to behave so, well, stupidly.

She didn't say a word.

Instead, she sat cross-legged, picked at the lint and blackened dust bunnies that had defiled the fur tops of her Uggs. She stared down towards the hornet's nest of sports bras, crumpled jeans, coats, comforters, and sheets that we were both sitting on - she mumbled an apology for not tidying up before I'd stopped by.

I figured that was my cue. I said I'd leave her alone, thanked her for, well, keeping me entertained via her intoxicated late-night instant messages, and reminded her that, well, my office door at the library, is almost always open.

Without looking up, she reached up and grabbed my arm, squeezed. I sat back down, put my hand on her shoulder. She asked me to stay. So I did.

And, once the emotional hysterics that go along with being jilted were well out of sight, we had a nice, brutally honest conversation about why one doesn't take time off from college because of a douchebag, how one sucks up that rage and turns it into scholarly fuel, and the importance of never, ever letting something as trivial as a temporary low self-image get in the way of making good, emotion-free decisions.

I even recommended that she start a blog about her experiences under a pseudonym, document her struggles so that maybe, sometime in the future, some other sophomore in her position might find it and go, Holy fucking shit! This girl really knows what I'm feeling!

Hell, blogging has done wonders for my own concept of self-worth and self-esteem issues - why not pass on that experience to others? College women need to get online, need to share not just their musical tastes or fashion tips or bullshit political ideologies but personal experiences as well. Venting does a body good - and sometimes it's equally rewarding to simply read about an experience that let's a random stranger know that they're not alone in this world.

As we talked, she held onto my arm for dear life. I was the first person not a mutual friend or family member she'd spilled her guts to in a long, long time. She told me why she reads this silly web site has more to do with how I handle certain information more like a priest taking confession than a blogger - I don't use names and carefully conceal identities, so, therefore, spilling one's guts is less of a risk than, say, posting something to a MySpace or Facebook account.

That's why she asked me to stop by, made an afternoon appointment. She needed to confess her sins - and my openness about my own, batshit insane personal life made me sound like the perfect holy man.

In all honesty, I showed up only because I was terrified that I may be asked to administer Last Rites.

* * * *

Suddenly, mid-sentence, she asked me if I was hungry. I lied and said that, well, a nice hot toasted roll - one of the Local U.'s signature culinary treats - sounded abso-fucking-lutely scrumptious. Actually, the very smell of those things makes me nauseous, but, well, I was just on my game enough to realize the question about hunger was more self-directed.

Getting a Local U. girl who's been starving herself for a week may, in fact, be the single-most important contribution I've made to the Oxford community, professionally or as an everyday citizen, in more than a year.

As we hiked down towards the student union - she was craving a slice of pizza - she stopped me with an Ugh! Hold on. That's so annoying..., turned me on my heels like a wayward toddler, and started adjusting my cockeyed stocking cap and tangled mess the hood on my sweatshirt had become. She went so maternal on me, this woman barely out of her teens, that she even licked her thumb before she slicked down my disheveled eyebrows.

"You know, you have gorgeous eyelashes. There was this girl in my history class last semester who told me that she had a crush on this guy who worked at King..."

Suddenly, she stopped cold, pulled herself into me. The first-year roommate, one of the two boyfriend-fucking Jezebels, was on her cell phone, pacing, right in front of the student union doors, a mere thirty feet away. I started to turn and look, but, well, serving as a human shield left me with only the risk of sweatshirt strangulation as the very pretty, image-conscious sophomore clung onto my collar for dear life.

"Ohmygodohmygod... if she sees us together she's gonna think... she's gonna tell everybody... fucking whore!...God, she's s'posed to be in Cincinnati ... don't DON'T look... she's looking... FUCK!"

It took me, in my so not an undergrad mindset, a good thirty seconds to figure out what, exactly, that ferret-faced Ms. Thang, clad in her trendy North Face jacket and skintight black pants, guarding the entrance to a student union food court could possibly assume, or who the everybody was she'd possibly tell.

I laughed. Hard.

You know, the sight of a cute girl ducking into the chest of a 29-year-old librarian with supposedly gorgeous eyelashes probably is something to gossip about - if you're a catty, rodent-looking Cincinnati rich girl with nothing better to do than to fuck my blog readers' boyfriends because you were, like, soooooo wasted at beer pong parties, like, two or three times, accidentally.

I thought about it for a moment, pondered and weighed the potential risks to both my professional credibility and, well, my fine, upstanding reputation (go ahead and laugh, dammit!) as an online writer. I then strategically twisted in such a way as to position my mouth at the ear of the very pretty, way-too-young sophomore, twisted in such a way that Ms. Rodent Face would have a clear view of both her former roommate's face and my constantly graying stubble.

I whispered, slowly, into my chestwarmer's ear that she had nothing to worry about, said sweet nothings about how learning to tune out gossip comes with maturity, and told her, well, that she shouldn't give a flying fuck what others may think.

She giggled at my use of the phrase flying fuck (she didn't believe anybody actually spoke such things so casually) and whispered something back about not wanting people to ask questions. Again, she played right into my not-so-sinister plan of attack.

I could feel the stare. Just the type of stare I'd counted on, one of those soul-rupturing glares that catty gossipwhores tend to give people when they think certain things, when they assume that they are now entitled to do whatever they want with certain information, regardless of courtesy or consequences.

So, like clockwork, I pushed the very pretty sophomore back into an upright, chin-up position, told her that the time had come to say Fuck it and to march right past Jezebel No. 1. She sighed, agreed, and we double-timed it past the loose-lipped (in more ways than one, apparently) sentry. My blog reader, the trooper that she was, shoved her hands into her pockets and stared at the ground.

I just grinned a very stupid-looking grin. My plan was working.

I stood as straight as I could, puffed out my chest, and did my best Dirty Old Man impression, acknowledged the gawker with a well-timed, jaw-shattering S'up.

And how that other woman stared. She even had the beady little brown eyes of a ferret.

* * * *

Over a quick bite, I let my very pretty, supposedly hefty, 126-pound dinner date in on the intricacies of my, well, strategically placed movements, mannerisms, and whispers, on the use of a quick and controlled burn to manage someone else's need to perpetuate rumor and disinformation.

It took her a bit of time to grasp the concept. After she'd pondered it over the remainder of her very bad cappuccino...

* * * *

"So what you're saying is that she's gonna tell him and his ego's gonna be smashed?"


"Yup."

"That's weird."

"Okay, lemme put it this way: how do you think most guys react when they're hearing rumors that their ex is potentially fucking an older guy?"

"I'd be fucking pissed."

"How would you feel, in his shoes, if one of your gossipy mutual acquaintances was spreading rumors ..."

Silence. And then, the wondrous Eureka! moment.

"Oh shit. So he's gonna look like a total ass and I'm the mature one, right?"

"Yup."

"Really?"

As I walked her back to her dorm, we discussed all sorts of things, ranging from other forms of data manipulation in interpersonal relationships to her new-found obsession with G.I. Joe comic books and online poker.

A guy she knew, too, grad student, had invited her over to hang out, watch a couple of old 1980s movies. She wasn't sure about his motives, but, well... she wasn't ready ... she didn't really like him that way...

"Well, sounds like you're getting ready to upgrade to business-class there, chica."

She didn't seem to get what I was getting at. I let it drop, wished her a great weekend, and promised I'd have something new for her to read sometime Saturday afternoon.

She reminded me that I don't use real names and that she'd be really mad if I slipped up. I reminded her that, well, I really didn't need to be reminded of anything.

* * * *

I'm supposed to mention, somewhere, that Mr. Super-Prep was born blessed - I am sorta like a priest, after all - with a really, really tiny...

Er.

Would anybody believe me if I swore she asked me to include something about how his imagination resembles a Vienna Sausage?

Length and width, apparently. That's a serious lack of imagination.

And to think...

There are people who ask me how, exactly, my not-so-secret life as a blogger has helped build up my own self-confidence and sense of personal image.

I'm completely comfortable with my imagination, actually. Way overactive at times, but, well, I'm working on that...

Seriously.

- # # # -


Saturday, December 15, 2007

EXCHANGING THE ONE HOLIDAY GIFT THAT JUST KEEPS ON COMING:
A Strange Tale of Sex, Violence, and Al Green on a Jukebox

Fruitcake Sex (n.) - Any exchange of certain carnal acts, modeled after the Christmastime gifting of a certain, often reviled, fruit and nut filled pastry. As fruitcakes are often passed back and forth between persons, without emotional attachment, fruitcake sex is often exchanged between exes, former flings, and friends with benefits at certain unceremonious times, almost out of obligation...

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- Some women knock. Some women just push the door open as soon as they see the handle turn and hear the deadbolt click.

I was only slightly buzzed, nowhere near the level of shitfaced insanity her intelligence had led her to believe. And, as she stormed from room to room in my apartment, she mumbled, swore she knew I was about ready to do something stupid, something about a hook up with a student staffer of one of my bosses...

"You fucker, I know you were with her at M__ & J__'s. She saw you! That girl's what? 20? Are you fucking re-TARDED! They'll fucking FIRE you!"

No clue what the fuck she was talking about. Or why she'd just barged into my apartment.

Ex-flings, especially the fun ones, tend to do, say, and even hear strange things while intoxicated. And yes, she was intoxicated and, as usual, overdressed for whatever occasion she was celebrating.

* * * *

Sure, I'd been talking to said FORMER student employee at a bar (21, actually), bought the girl a Red Snapper as we swapped war stories from my library. I've bought quite a few former employees drinks. And sure, maybe it looked like something else was going on at that jukebox - maybe flirting a little bit. And we did play a lot of Al Green and Rod Stewart...

This is not the first time I've been accused of such things. Working in an industry dominated by women, I've grown accustomed to being accused of blending work and play a little too openly. Goddammit, I'm still a professional - there are things I just don't do.

But is that anything to get all worked up about, more than a year and a half after you've quit sleeping together, more than a few months after telling a guy that her boyfriend had asked her to break all contact?

And what the flying monkeyfuck was she doing in Oxford Fucking Ohio anyway? Who drives down from the City of the Big Shoulders, drives five hours, just to visit the ol' alma mater during Fall Semester final exams?

And who the hell was the "she" who'd fed her obviously faulty information? Who the fuck was spying on me on a rather normal Thursday night? I knew she'd gotten her intel delivered via, as usual, a barrage of short, terse text messages.

I hadn't seen a single one of her friends in that damned bar - I had, however, received a rather strange IM from a local blog lurker ten minutes before the ol' ex knocked a hole through the door. Something about my inappropriateness in that same bar, a few lines concerning what apparently looked like a hook-up in the making...

Coincidence? Probably not.

Not that I would have done anything different. Hell, 18 months is a long fucking time...

* * * *

She calmed down, just enough, to start screaming. It's amazing how some women react to being wrong when there's just the slightest bit of alcohol pumping through 'em.

She got downright belligerent, brought up the fact that she was still pissed that I'd gone home with that fucking slut months ago, her former best friend, an act at the time she'd thought was fucking hilarious. So I got all up in her grill right back, with allegations of my own concerning her stereotypical local female alumna behavior, her flakiness and shallowness and tendency to spend too much time in tanning beds, about how, well, fucking insane and domineering and controlling...

She slapped me. So I slapped her. She threatened to call the cops. I shoved my mobile in her face and suggested we put it on speaker phone. She pushed me into a bookshelf. I pushed her, too, hard enough to send her into a my DVD collection - copies of zombie flicks and war movies everywhere. She jumped right back up, charged me, and sent my spine bouncing off the living room wall.

I'd finally had enough of the bullshit drama. Being Finals Week and living in a thin-walled apartment next to grad student neighbors, a loud quarrel would probably result in a visit from local law enforcement.

So I grabbed her, put her spine against that same wall and put my elbow to her throat. I told her, in that calm, quiet voice that scares the shit out of women at times, that she'd either calm down or she'd be unconscious and removed from my apartment by whatever police arrived.

My apartment, plus Uninvited Guest, could equal several criminal charges being filed. Sure, I may spend the night in jail, too...

* * * *

But I knew. Call it the sixth sense of a man's other brain.

I was terrified, however, that maybe I, too, was operating with wrong information, operating on faulty memory. Maybe that smell in my nose was wrong? Maybe that memory, that remembrance of a fight in an Oxford bar long ago, hadn't ended with the defiling of a women's restroom?

If she said stop, I figured, I'd guessed wrong. And, if my educated guess had been that wrong, well, I'd knew I'd be contacting a good defense attorney the next morning.

When I felt her legs wrap around me, when I felt less angry fingers on my neck and realized that both of our free hands had already confirmed that the excitement was, well, mutual, I realized that neither of us was about to go to jail.

There is a very, very fine line between foreplay and violence for some people - especially when neither party is sure that it's still okay to exchange a little Yuletide fruitcake. Her visit had less to do with any sincere worry over my career, or jealousy, or anything beyond a holiday exchange.

Seriously. This was mild. The last time this happened, I was the one with an arm to my throat and she ended up with bruised ribs. I started that one - I was upset that, well, she'd told friends that I wasn't the dating kind of guy, had gotten drunk at her graduation party and openly bragged to a restaurant full of girls that she'd borrowed a librarian from her local library and that they couldn't top that, no matter how many TAs or tenure-track profs they'd slept with.

Baking up that ol' fruitcake is harder than it looks. And, for some reason, the cops never showed up. Strange, too, considering things just got louder and more profane...

* * * *

Fruitcake sex is, in and of itself, quite enjoyable. The act usually resembles, for most people, a combination of the age-old fight/fuck and dirty revenge fuck traditions, with quite a bit of misdirected passion and lust mixed in for good measure. The sex itself is the fruit - the nuts are, usually, the individuals involved. Rum? Sure. Alcohol tends to add just the right amount of essence, lubricant to ease egos and fuel tempers.

There's nothing even remotely romantic about fruitcake sex. Quick and dirty. It's actually more hollow than mere casual sex - a friendly hook-up, for most folks, rarely involves matters of personal pride or vanity. Exchanging this sort of annual treat tends to be about conveying the image of sincerity in a sexual volley, without actually giving up anything important.

Fruitcake is, after all, the one food people make fun of the most, yet there are a lot of people who secretly wait for a chance to dig into that stale vile loaf when there's nothing else in the house to eat.

* * * *

My alarm went off at 5:15 AM Friday morning. I stared at the damned clock, praying for a sudden reversal of time. I hadn't even caught a quick power nap. And she was just happy as a clam, bundled up and lightly wheezing into a stack of pillows.

Looking around my bedroom, I did a brief damage assessment. Nightstand was overturned. We'd knocked over the banjo I never learned to play. And all of the books on that nightstand, the ones I'd simply left open to keep from losing my page, were scattered around the place like cheap confetti.

I reached over my sleeping guest and hit the off button. As I pulled my hand back under the sheets, I felt warm, curvy skin, felt my hands wandering. Some women, as much as they may hate the analogy, really are built like classic 1950s hot rods. Their hoods are decked out not with hood ornaments but with breasts, their tail fins aerodynamic and painfully smooth.

She pushed back into me and yawned. She told me that, well, the most annoying thing about me is that I have a hard time falling asleep with a naked woman in my bed. I reminded her that, well, I'm a guy.

She slid out from under the sheets and went out into the apartment. She needed ibuprofen. For some reason, every time we've slept together, she wakes up with a craving for Advil. Never understood the tie between anti-inflammatory medications and sex.

I closed my eyes and started to hit that power-nap nirvana. I heard the toilet flush, the quick pattering of bare feet back towards the bedroom, the Fuck fuck fuck! Cold! grumblings I usually hear when certain people forget that, yeah, I keep my thermostat set at a brisk 50*F during the winter months.

She hopped back into bed, sat on top of my hips, and grinned. There would be no nap before work. I asked her what she would've done had there really been another woman in my apartment, if she really thought that I end up sleeping with somebody every time I buy a woman a shot or have them help me pick songs on a juke.

She changed the subject. Instead, she wanted to tell me that she'd met another one of my library's former student employees a few months ago at a party, that my name had somehow come up in casual conversation. The other woman thought I was kinda weird and a little out there. She'd started to, after a few gin and tonics, tell her fellow alum about -

She stopped talking and looked down between her legs.

"Ugh! You are SUCH a boy!"

Yes I am. I'm a total fucking bastard, too.

And I didn't want to talk about how many different ways she could play six degrees of separation between my job, our sex life, and the cool people she's met in the City of the Big Shoulders, either.

Hell, my library almost burned down 72 hours before she'd stormed the castle and I'd been working 12 hour days since Monday - she was almost flippant when she told me that, well, she just didn't give a rat's ass if the place burned to the ground.

Why talk? Defeats the purpose of fruitcake sex.

* * * *

I left her alone in my apartment with a note on top of her dress, telling her that she was more than willing to help herself to any food or to the shower. The spare towels were in the closet; no need to text me to ask if the guest password on my laptop had changed. And, well, she knew she was free to steal a tee-shirt, too.

I arrived at work surprisingly chipper. Annoyingly chipper. Five different people I work with figured out that I'd broken my rather silly Celibate 'til 2008 goal for the remainder of the year. One person even sent me a text, wanting to know whose tits had been pressed against the glass of my living room window.

And, well, for going on less than 15 minutes of sleep in 48 hours, I was rather full of energy. I caught up on just about every project, cleaned out my email, and even managed to run through my backlog of work-related errands outside of the office.

Like the real baked good, fruitcake sex does, really, do a body good sometimes.

Maybe not the mind or soul, but I was glad to learn later in the day that she and the no-contact beau had broken up a few weeks prior, that we're back to never doing that ever again, and that, well, the guy she'd just started seeing was one of those "Born Again, No Sex Before Marriage" types who she was looking for an excuse to no longer see anyway.

Oh yeah. A Christian Fundamentalist and a woman who likes brutal sex and belongs to the ACLU. That would've been a match made in hell.

And hell, not like I really had anything else to do on a boring ol' Thursday night.

Fruitcake sex, like shit, just happens. No sense in worrying about it, sweating bullets, or pretending like there's any real sentimental meaning behind its exchange.

And in towns like Oxford Fucking Ohio, it's quite common, actually, to just go Well, fuck it, might as well get laid tonight. You'd be surprised, dear reader, how many folks probably ended up waking up Friday in a similar situation, especially in this town.

After all, shit happens.

- # # # -

Friday, November 02, 2007

THE NOOSE NEVER CAME BEFORE THE LYNCH MOB:
Confronting Historic Symbols of Hatred and Injustice Shouldn't Start with Censorship

"Free speech is not to be regulated like diseased cattle and impure butter."

- William O. "Wild Bill" Douglas,
U.S. Supreme Court Justice & American Badass,

Record-holder for Most Impeachment Attempts

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- I remember sitting in Dr. M's office, back in 2001, arguing over a grade I'd received on a quiz in his dreaded media law class. More appropriately, I remember sitting in Dr. M's office, losing an argument over a grade.

At one of toughest universities in North America, M. was, by far, the hardest instructor in the College of Liberal Arts. And the old bastard had friggin' failed me - I supposedly earned that whopping 30 percent, having aced the multiple-choice section.

He'd given me zero points on short essay questions that, I felt, were passionate defenses of the evils of government suppression of free expression. But his blood-red comments were sharper than razorblades, slashed right through my reasoning with simple NO!s in the margins of my blue book, the words SEE ME scribbled on the last page like an epitaph.

In his office that day, I argued and raged and vented; Dr. M. simply nodded and listened. When I finished my diatribe about democracy and hate speech and what should and shouldn't be protected under the First Amendment, the old prof leaned forward and put a bony Minnesota finger in my face.

He'd given me zero points on my short essays, he explained, because I rode the fence in my arguments against censorship, picked out which parts of cases like Brandenburg v. Ohio, R.A.V. v. The City of St. Paul, and Yates v. United States that I personally agreed with and disregarded what I found objectionable. He accused me of censoring the course materials to fit my worldview.

To understand the fluidity of things like the First Amendment and its freedoms, I'd have to learn to stand up and walk on that fence. If I wanted to pass his class, too, I'd have to be willing to see beyond what I wanted to see, to give up on the herd mentality that allows most folks to simply draw from two pastures when an answer is needed for comfort.

To embrace the wholeness of the Rule of Law, the organic, fluid body of jurisprudence that encompasses certain unalienable human rights, one must learn to walk atop barbed wire to bear witness to a holistic justice, free of personal bias or politics of the moment, with those beliefs serving as not a legal compass but as insight into the motives behind things like censorship.

M. took the crumpled Blue Book from my fist, tacked an extra 15 percentage points onto that grade. Even if I'd made the mistake of riding a fence that should've been beneath my feet, the just teacher heard out his lost student's reasoning before he passed final judgment.

A whopping 45 percent. The hardest failing grade I ever truly earned.

From that point on, I've tried to avoid riding the fence. Sitting on a post and waiting for mob-rule opinion to determine freedom's boundaries, I've learned, only opens the gates toward dictatorship and oppression.

To walk the fence in a democratic society, one where the free flow of ideas and art and writing is cherished, is to stand above the mob rules of political and popular correctness, to be willing to scream Freedom! without ever looking down into the fields for support.

Cowards and madmen can keep the fence posts warm, have their legs tugged at by those seeking an ally in their moral and political arguments.

I can't blame them. Walking the straight and narrow is always hardest to do when one has only a love for intellectual freedom to preserve one's sense of balance.

* * * *

A strange midnight email swept across the Local U.'s fiber-optic freeways, a hastily-written, chilling dispatch to virtually all of Oxford Fucking Ohio. With diplomacy as subtle as a hatchet to the face, the email let the Online World know about the supposed hate speech that had defiled the hallowed grounds of the Public Ivy:

"...I strongly condemn this display and deplore that in this campus community any person would believe this display is in any way acceptable. We must redouble our efforts as a community to educate every student here on the historic patterns of racism in this society..."

A group of students had - gasp! - hung nooses from the branches of a tree! And students and the public watched helplessly as the cads dangled historic symbols of hatred and injustice before their innocent eyes. The fiends even dared to plead ignorance to this fact, and - Thank Goodness! - the local police confronted them and removed the vile, hideous hangman's tools before the poor, defenseless children and something called the African-American community saw it!

"Oh Thank God! That kind of shit needs to be- "

I caught myself, mid-sentence, as I read from the comfy confines of my bed Wednesday morning. I almost choked to death on my bowl of Biblically-inspired organic cereal, the taste of guilt like blood on my tongue.

"- needs to be censored by a state-funded, public university?

"Waitagoddamnminute... even the Ku Klux Klan has the right to express itself... religious groups, campus activists, the staff union, even the pro-anorexia advocates... "


I lost my appetite. I felt sick to my stomach.

"'...Redouble our efforts to educate the students?' What the fuck does that mean?
"

And when did a display has to be "acceptable" to a campus community to be considered acceptable under the First Amendment? Regardless of intent, or public perception, was this, possibly protected speech? Could a marketplace of ideas sell off civil liberties like dime store junk?

Happy Halloween, folks.

One American university decided to go trick-or-treating this year, all dressed up as a Police State. And it went about toilet-papering mailboxes at midnight, wiping everyone's ass with the Bill of Rights in the name of a justice not seen in Ohio since Kent State.

* * * *

And those no-good, evil proponents of hate who'd dared to hang a noose in the era of Jena Six hype, where we're taught scream racism! at the sight of a rope?

Art students. Aspiring artists who sought nothing more than the satisfactory completion of a course requirement. The group was preparing a faculty-approved public exhibit as part of a class assignment.

The students tried to explain themselves and did remove their work the moment they realized that the project offended their peers - or, at least, the mob that confronted them.

They had a cool idea, to turn a reviled symbol into art, something beautiful and thoughtful.

But, by the time that information was made publicly available, their own university had already portrayed them as ignorant savages bent on creating racial unrest in a press release. The same mob bastardization of justice that, historically, has led to actual lynchings in this country sentenced them before the facts were presented.

Yes, there was indeed a hate crime committed in Oxford this week. The teachers took a few nooses and executed the creative rights of their students, without so much as a show trial, sentenced to censorship before any formal investigation or disciplinary hearing.

* * * *

The theme of the installation, I've learned, concerned the imagery of life and death - the final product was to include a tire swing, symbolic of the innocence of carefree youth, and the slipknots were to represent their ancient purpose - death.

The theme, along with the choice of media, is eerily reminiscent of an early installation by one of this country's hottest young artists, Los Angeles-based Kori Newkirk. But at the Local U., well, maybe a critically-acclaimed black artist wouldn't have to ask for permission before recreating his startling Swings in the Family Tree as part of his homework.

Maybe, in a climate of fear, in a land where black rap artists are called before Congress for offending the mythological, unified African-American Community, where John Denver and Twisted Sister once saved rock and roll from Tipper Gore, civil liberties are to be limited based on the color of one's skin, or by sexual orientation, or even age?

Maybe a straight woman can't create a sculpture that includes a police baton in tribute to the Stonewall Rebellion? Maybe a cowboy can't write poems based on Lakota and Apache war songs? Or maybe a German architect can't design a Holocaust museum?

Maybe we should ban nonblack hip-hop artists, or white blues musicians?

And maybe playing Billie Holiday in my office offends this campus community with strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees? Good God! I didn't fill out the paperwork first, ask for formal permission! And- gasp! - an Afro-Irish woman is singing noose lyrics written by a Jewish Communist schoolteacher! Somebody haul me down for sensitivity training!

Let us, then, ban other historic symbols of death and the artist themes they inspire. And the symbols of youthful innocence, too, for that matter.

Crosses? Have to go. Some people don't find reminders of Christ's execution acceptable in this campus community. Besides, someone might think, for instance, that a white man propping up a crucifix intends to set it ablaze - can't have that, can we?

Or how about trains? We've had two students die tragically this year along the tracks...

Or shall we ban the NROTC from marching with rifles because the majority of faculty find the Iraq situation reprehensible?

Oh hell...

Who needs free expression anyway?

We have diversity committees to tell us what to believe, curriculum committees to tell us what to teach, and government officials to tell us what is acceptable to all and deplorable to none - if we disagree, well, they'll just redouble their efforts to educate us...

* * * *

How I would've loved the chance to see probably one of the most thought - provoking art displays in this community's history. How I'd have loved the chance to watch undergraduates debate its meaning, to hear some faculty call it an affront to decency and to hear others call it genius.

How exciting it could've been. We could've used the opportunity to invite back one of the big alumnae, Rita Dove. Maybe the poet would've trashed the students' work. She may have found it inspiring, too, the innocent bravery of a few kids who turned a weapon into a statement about life. Or maybe ol' P.J. could've wrote about it, been lured back to teach a course on controversial literature?

Those opportunities are gone now. The display removed and the artists humiliated, the electronic strong-arm tactic will more than likely chill unpopular expression in this town to the artistic equivalent of absolute zero.

Why string up the artists for their deplorable rope sculpture? In the name of tolerance and diversity, it's just as easy to break spirits as it is to break necks.

After all, a noose has never been as terrifying as the lynch mobs behind them.

* * * *

Thursday afternoon, I witnessed one of the most miraculous signs that, yes, even a noose in a tree can bring about just the sort of dialogue a campus community needs.

And not the kind the writers of the official Local U. emails urged with iron fist, either.

With every fence built upon censorship, there are always wild ones in the midst of the herd, looking for new ways to cut through the wires that were put up to protect them. And college students, through some glorious academic instinct, naturally despise attempts to double up their education - especially when that education comes at a price, well, that the tuition checks don't cover.

A black woman and a white woman were standing outside of my library as I stepped out for a quick cigarette. Both students, as per the norm on a soon-to-be Smoke Free Campus, had been waiting for a fellow smoker to exit.

"Girl, please. Somebody needs to raise the roof on this."

"I dunno. I mean, I think it was wrong and all, but-"


One undergraduate was defending policy, was riding on that fence, playing the politically-correct game that often feeds herds in pastures green with mob-rule grasses.

And the other?

Please.

Do you think an educated black woman needs an email in the middle of the night to tell her the difference between hate speech and an art project? When was the last time a hate group walked up to a tree, in broad daylight, and hung up a tire swing in protest?

Or wouldn't get annoyed with the fact that in nearly every class, some well-intentioned Caucasian had asked her about how she was doing, as if those art students she walked past Tuesday had actually tried to lynch her? Or wouldn't get annoyed by the fact everybody started screaming about a tree in Jena, Louisiana, before anybody asked the group why they were hanging nooses here?

"So because I'm black, I need a white man to tell me about how offended I am? I can't think for myself?"

You see, in Oxford Fucking Ohio, there are very real hate crimes that happen every day during the school year, ones that don't get histrionic emails sent off late into the night.

Ask the young Chinese-American student who's asked to tutor somebody in math, because, well, All Asians are good at that. Ask the gay undergrad who's been terrified to go on a date with another gay undergrad, because some drunk idiot may start yelling Fuck you, faggot! from a car window. And ask the black students, yes, which offense is greater - artists hanging a noose as part of an exhibit, or the stares young black men get in this town for wearing urban clothing in certain nightclubs?

The Local U. wanted dialogue on the meaning of discrimination.

Well, now, they've got one.

* * * *

I told both women about Dr. M, about the love for the First Amendment he instilled in me when I was an undergrad, about his call to give up riding other people's fences and to walk the path of the straight and narrow back towards the Rule of Law.

I heard Dr. M.'s voice in the back of my own sometimes self-righteous, fence-straddling mind, drowning out the voices on the sides of the fence:

"Let the Law prevail. Put your faith in the ability of the People, and freedom will win, Jason."

Both women agreed that that old bastard Media Law prof sounded like one hell of an educator.

And yes, he was.

* * * *

Loving free speech is harder than it looks.

Learning to walk the fence involves learning how to get a look at the big picture, what's really at stake, learning to weigh divine individual rights against the bloodlust of a lynch mob. It's only after looking at the whole spread that one can understand the value of a ranch, free of pastures and fences, bound only by the expanse of the law.

Censorship, sometimes, is indeed justified - some fences are needed to protect things like national security, trade secrets, confidential information, and rights to privacy. Mostly, however, censors pull miles of wire blindly, carve up the fields of nurturing thought for the sake of the few who'd rather just hide in Freedom's barn anyway.

Sure, maybe I'm just insensitive, just ig'nant of historic symbols of hate and injustice and of the need to redouble our efforts to tell students how to express themselves like good little automatons, in need of sensitivity training because I just love what that deplorable, courageous art.

But if a group of art students can't include nooses in an art installation, then librarians sure as hell shouldn't have the right to write about it.

So go ahead a lynch me, too.

Climb up here, up on this fence, and try it.

* * * *
“The most important aspect of freedom of speech is freedom to learn. All education is a continuous dialogue - questions and answers that pursue every problem on the horizon. That is the essence of academic freedom.”

- Wild Bill Douglas
- # # # -

* For the aspiring writers, poets, essayists, painters, sculptors, and screenwriters; for the future political leaders, captains of industry, musicians, doctors, and other innovators at the Local U. And for David Banner, fellow Baton Rouge ex-pat and lover of the First Amendment, for telling the self-appointed leaders of "The African-American Community" to shut the fuck up about censoring art in the name of "decency," for challenging those Happy White Liberals on Capitol Hill who think Democratic suppression is better than Republican suppression, and for, yeah, doing more for Katrina victims than Public Ivy universities.