"I'm not drunk, I'm surreal sober. Now put that somewhere... wait... did somebody take my bra off?"Yeah, we'll leave it at that. Fun first weekend back in ol' Oxford Fucking Ohio, really. And I can honestly say that I've never eaten a donut off of a drunk woman's tits before last Friday night.
- Recently minted Local U. alumna,
On her last weekend in Oxford
* * * *
"Hey, it worked in Blazing Saddles..."- A Buddy's Facebook Status,
The Day After the U.S. Presidential Election
* * * *
"Until I was fourteen, I divided humanity into three categories: women, little girls, and buffoons."One of the most disturbingly hilarious French-language writers living today. A blog reader recommended this book to me before Christmas; I haven't laughed that much while reading a European writer in a long time...
Ha, while Tom Waits may be big in Japan, apparently I'm big in France...
* * * *
"Baltimore Ravens fans are all murdering egomaniacs. You suck, The Wire sucks, your team sucks, and you're unOhio for being a Ravens fan."Hey, it's not my fault Ohio's pro football teams are, well, pathetic. Blame the ownership. And while I may suck, The Wire is one of the best urban crime dramas ever. Thanks for returning my Ray Lewis jersey, albeit vandalized, after three fucking years.- A Cleveland Browns fan/Ex,
via drunken voicemail, Jan. 7,
On my choice of sports teams
Hope you enjoy the remnants of your Grady Sizemore jersey. The delivery driver who picked it up said his company often returns boxes full of ashes to loved ones. Especially Cleveland Indians baseball fans...
* * * *
"This presidential inauguration is brought to you by your starving friends at Corporate Welfare. Remember: for the price of a few hundred billion in taxpayer bailouts, you too can accomplish wallet-padding Change CEOs Can Believe In (by privately financing Rick Warren and Oprah's pet goat.)"
- The ZenFo Pro, via email,
To someone "shocked and appalled"
he "refuses to trust and accept change..."
The natural enemy of the People is the State, I told my Republican-voting mother over Christmas, And the moment the People's Hero becomes the State, he becomes not a savior but the same old incompetant tyrant in a new suit.
Best not to bring that subject up with someone who is completely not buying the Hope shit. I think I've made that pretty much clear as day. I'm, politically, a Libertarian Lefty - why would I change my views to accommodate yet another flavor of American Neoliberalism?
* * * *
"Just you watch - one day, those motherfuckers are gonna start having Martin Luther King Day sales...Free At Last, Buy One Get One Freedom sales..."- Angry Black Activist,
On What's Wrong with MLK Day.
No explanation needed, really. And I wouldn't put it past retailers.
* * * *
"I think I may have broke my penis."
- C'mon, who HASN'T slammed
a that in the car door before?
-# # # -
No comments:
Post a Comment