Saturday, May 10, 2008

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO)
DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS:
Super Senior Class of 2008 Edition

Some nights it's just simpler to go home with a bottle of vodka than to go hook up with random guys. Like every Thursday through Saturday... huh... since September.

- VIA EMAIL
Columbus, Ohio
April 22
No comment. Sounds like the perfect Buckeye date, actually.

* * * *
Fuck me! Dad, guess what? Holy fucking shit! I'm graduating! NO REALLY. Oh Wha? No, I wasn't swearing...

- OVERHEARD PHONE CONVERSATION
Right outside my office Thursday
Congrats, chica.
* * * *
Every guy in this town has at least one Germ-X in the Ol' Pee Hole morning.

- TANK FRANKLIN
Uptown Oxford, May 3
Sad but true. Seriously.

I once had a snake brother of mine tell me that he was glad I "looked clean," since I was three guys back in his ex-girlfriend's history. Fortunately we were both rather intoxicated, because, well, the whole conversation left wondering about the guys before me... and whether or not they "looked clean" ... and...

And Oxford Fucking Ohio is just like every other small college town in America. That's the scary part...

* * * *
LIBRARIAN! WE'RE DOING TEQUILA SHOTS, BITCH! I'M FUCKING DONE! This sucks... we could've been hanging out, like, all this time and now - NOW! - we're finally being drunk idiots offline...

- LOCAL U., CLASS OF 2008,
Pre-graduation Party, May 7

I hugged more random women this past week, Finals Week at the Local U., than I've ever hugged in my entire life. And, yeah, trust me, your BFFs are gonna think you're off your meds if you invite that guy you met online to a post Final Exam party.

* * * *
Oh God. I don't think I can get the whole thing in my mouth. I mean, it's sooo big... Hey! What's so funny?

- A CERTAIN GRADUATING UNDERGRAD BLOGGER,
While finally taking shot with another Web 2.0 comrade
Stephan!e has had more blog personas (Ogbuefi Stephi, Free Rad!cal R!t!ngs, Free Rad!cals, This is my Document, The Avocado Couch, etc.) than anybody else in town.

And, well, for a social justice, living wage, and indy media activist, she's... kinda... hot. I mean, well, it's not that I was, well, checking her out or anything, but, heh... the world needs more cute Socialists.

Last time we hung out? December 2005. We just kept saying "Hey, let's go grab a drink sometime..." for three fucking years. And now, well, she's an alum and - sigh! - I'm still a librarian with a blog.

* * * *
You know how much I love Guinness. It is my soup, my cup of tea, my mouthwash, my holy water, my milk for my cornflakes, my maple syrup for my pancakes. It is my first, my last, my deep voiced everything.

From "
They're Wreckin' the Gaff,"
TWENTY MAJOR
Dublin, Ireland, May 9
For those Guinness drinkers stateside (and around the world) who haven't heard yet, the stout's parent company is expected to sell portions of the legendary St. James's Gate Brewery estate and lay off several dozen people as part of corporate restructuring plan.

Money. Screw two-and-a-half centuries of history, boys. Land prices are skyrocketing out on the Emerald Isle and there's quick cash to be made...

I almost cried reading TM's piece Friday. And this lead for a blog post is one of the most gut-wrenching I've read in months. Believe it or not, but, well, their are Irish bloggers who are a thousand times better at storytelling than their across-the-pond counterparts.

* * * *
So does it, like, make you mad when girls my age [19] talk about the 90s like they were ancient? I mean, you don't look bad for your age or anything... though you smell like a guy who works at the mall and he's kinda old... like 35 or something...

- ZFP BATCAVE FINALS WEEK GUEST
May 5, approximately 2:46 AM
I think I'm more pissed I was compared to anything found in a shopping mall than I am about being made to feel like turning 30 this month makes me a senior citizen.

Oh well. Guess I'd better get back to the old folks' home, before I miss Tapioca Pudding Night -- you wouldn't believe the strip show Gertrude does when they put on the Jimmy Dorsey records...

* * * *
Dear Jason,
Editor, The Zenformation Professional:

I'm writing to ask for your help in building a new America. By supporting ______ 2008, you will be helping to bring about change...

- POLITICAL SPAM,
from a local ______2008 supporter,
Before the Ohio Primaries

------
Dear _______:

Okay sick of this shit. Sorry to be rude, but piss off. For the thousandth time, I don't VOTE IN PRIMARIES!!! I'm an independent voter. And I don't participate in systems meant to maintain the status quo of the two-party circle jerk.... P.S. -- I'm thinking about voting for Bob Dylan this year. At least he had the balls to go electric at Newport without anybody else's help.

- THE ZENFO PRO
Shortly thereafter
(After a few rounds in Indiana)
Seriously. I'm not going to endorse anybody for President of these United States, not going to blog about it, debate it, or pretend like any of the folks on the ballot are doing anything but playing the same ol' game to win the White House.

And frankly, I don't care who you, the reader, thinks I should vote for. Please don't feel insulted -- I don't give a shit about who my family, friends, exes, coworkers, fellow bloggers, etc., think I should vote for, either.

Editor? Lord... What part of "It's a goddamn fucking small-town life blog, and I just write when I have time, about whatever fucking floats my boat..." don't some people get?

* * * *
Man, actually, squirrel tastes like squirrel. Ain't nothing wrong with a little squirrel for dinner. Only thing better's poon. Well, sometimes, squirrel's better...

- THE HILLBILLY SCHOLAR
Whilst drinking, Late April
The Hillbilly Scholar, believe it or not, is probably one of the most likable, thought-provoking redneck conversationalists in the Northern Hemisphere. Even the young ladies we were talking to seemed mesmerized by his rural Ohio magic.

And hey, I just love me some deep-fried tree rat. Seriously. Good eats. And, yeah, when the hindquarters are prepared just right, well, it can be better than sex. Don't knock it until you've tried it.

* * * *
Paper. Finished. Need. Tanning bed. Stat. Move to Oregon. I put out. You're cute for a blogger. Thanks for scanning that.

- FROM A WEST COAST UNDERGRAD,
Via instant message, April 16
Well, sometimes an undergrad finds a blog while Googling for information concerning Oxford Fucking Ohio's official response to a local noose-filled art project. And sometimes they email requests for research help because the blogger in question, like, works at a library and wrote an opinion piece that she'd like to cite in a paper.

* * * *
...So, yeah. Fire Biscuit. It suits him.

- WALDO VON NASTY and FATSUIT MCUMMINGS,
Describing how, exactly,
their rather strange roommate
earned his nickname.

Inside joke, but, well, Waldo's girlfriend likes these Quotations posts. Um, yeah. There's a reason why that extra bedroom in my apartment stays empty.

Fire Biscuit? Yep. Fire Biscuit.

- # # # -


6 comments:

mind probes at 45! Yay! said...

ha ha! so you survived Saturday, huh? see you added a quote or two.

you really are a lightweight but lmao how packed was your little dirty bar friday night? (haha if there are still ppl who can't figure it out they're retarded) damn. was the writing post like an ad or something? sorry you couldn't make it out with us. but i made dad tip $3 per pitcher.

you know your the only thing i'm going to miss about miami really. come to cleveland for a weekend and let's get shitshowed.

The ZenFo Pro said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The ZenFo Pro said...

And I'm still hungover, as of Monday morning.

Wow, never EVER again drinking with lurking undergrad/alum chat buddies (let that be a lesson to ya kids). And see, I told ya I was a creepy guy in person!

Congrats on graduating, by the way! Cleveland? Nuh-uh. Shut up! Are you serious? ;)

Angel, librarian and educator said...

Love the quotation posts as well. So, turning 30 means you are a senior citizen? On that basis, I must be a centenarian, you know, like those old folks they feature in the news once in a while, who have lived a little over 100. The reporters ask them how did you live so long, what's your secret, only to learn it was a wild life, and lots of booze and smokes. (I am 38, so suddenly I feel ancient).

BTW, thanks for stopping by the blog. It is an interesting idea about FB and teaching. I may have some further musings later.

Best, and keep on blogging.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Angel:
Lol, around these parts? Hell, I've heard the phrase "Gosh, you don't look that old..." so many times in the last four years, well, its not even funny. At times, more than two-thirds of the town is below the age of 22... sigh.

Well, chica, it was an awesome post. FB really has become a part of Higher Ed and, as a colleague and I discussed... over, um, water?... a while back, a lot of the faculty/educactor resistance to social networking tools seems a heck of a lot like the same sort of technophobia libraries saw when OPACs/IPACs began to replace paper catalogs, when digital collections became just as viable as print, etc...

stephan!e lee said...

yo! hey, how's it going? i finally managed to steal wireless long enough (and had enough time to spare between teacher trainings) to catch up on reading your blog.

and, i gotta say, i'm terribly flattered to see mention of our much too brief bar encounter. seriously, J, why'd you leave so early?

we gotta find a way to do drinks again. and next time, I'M buying!

seriously, man, waaaaaay flattered.

if you ever find yrself in the city of angels, you know who to call...

;-)
-stef