THE ZENFORMATION PROFESSIONAL PIPE DREAM PREDICTIONS 2006

Since everyone and their mother seems to be obsessed with celebrities these days, I figured I'd take a stab at celebrity predictions for 2006.

Well, sort of.

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PLASTIC WIZARDS WILL DOMINATE LITERATURE

LONDON (ZP) -- There will be yet another installment of the Harry Potter series, appropriately titled Harry Potter and the Corporate Whore's Quest to Greater Market More Worthless Merchandise to Children.

It will go on to be the best-selling book of the series.

The ZenFo Pro will continue to ignore Harry Potter stuff like the Plague, as he has done since this overhyped phenomenon first reared its ugly head.

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CALIFORNIANS ELECT NEW CELEBRITY GOVERNOR

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (ZP) -- Arnold Schwarzenegger will lose his bid for reelection in 2006 to another famous Hollywood A-Lister. But it will not be Warren Beatty or Rob Reiner.

Instead, Californians will send the ultimate political moderate to Sacramento. Moose, the Jack Russell Terrier best known for his role as Eddie on the popular 90s sitcom Frasier, will receive 74% of the popular vote.

Californians will be swayed by a moving performance in a debate against all three movie stars in which the canine politico says absolutely nothing.

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CRUISE/HOLMES SPAWN TO BECOME MUTANT SUPERHERO

MARS (ZP) -- After Tom Cruise meets with other prominent Scientologists to discuss alien souls and other Scientology stuff, the couch-hopping actor will become convinced the Earth is doomed and build a rocket to shoot his beloved child off to the far-off planet.

Cruise will develop this plan after reading a stack of Superman comics...er...scholarly illustrated journals that report on a similar mission conducted by a couple from the planet Krypton. Despite being unable to locate the city of Metropolis on a map or track down a reporter named Clark Kent via the Associated Press, Cruise will build his spaceship out of parts from the set of his latest film.

Following hours of research conducted using only a Netflix membership, Cruise and Holmes will commision Marlon Brando to place a couple of magic crystals in the spaceship with the kid before the launch.

The launch will be successful. People, Us Weekly, and other celebrity rags cover the entire event and report on Holmes' black sweats/black sneakers/cult robe ensemble. The child's ship will crash on the planet Mylar 7 in late November and the child will be adopted by Bghdzzz and Gggrdr Kent. The child will grow up to be Mylar 7's greatest diminutive superhero.

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FASHION BANKRUPTED AS STARVING MODEL INDUSTRY OUTSOURCED

PARIS (ZP) -- The West's leading fashion designers all declare bankruptcy in 2006.

Tired of trying to keep up with ultraskinny, coked-up, pouting waifs, the women of the industrialized world finally get tired of the "we'll tell you what's sexy" game and start looking elsewhere for what defines beauty.

The last Metrosexual dies of Prada poisoning in early Spring, leading men - gay and straight - to celebrate by burning their overpriced man cosmetics in the streets.

By June, ultimate must-have on every "It" girl's list is to fund a public computer resource center in Africa. The hottest fashion accessory won't be windshield-sized sunglasses or Uggs; instead scenesters from Milan to New York will be wearing the latest in fairly-traded t-shirts to support women's clinics in Ghana, Pakistan, and Costa Rica.

By July, Starbucks will be out as the coffee of choice for the famous. Every celebrity will want to have their coffee organically grown by Ethiopians, Colombians, and Kenyans with the profits going directly to companies owned by Ethiopian, Colombian, and Kenyan farmers.

Vacations to St. Barts or the Riviera? That's so 2005. Even Paris Hilton will be globetrotting to help her fellow man by volunteering to bring aid to places like Darfur, Kashmir, Afghanistan, and Bosnia by August.

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BLING ABANDONED TO BETTER HUMANITY

ATLANTA (ZP) -- Rappers across America, saddened by the tragic deaths of several people who choked on diamond-encrusted dental "fronts," will be forced to reexamine the overreliance on bling to sell records.

Chuck D of Public Enemy will finally reach the likes of Kanye West, 50 Cent, P. Diddy, Paul Wall, and Lil Jon and the rap community will regain its sense of humanity.

Rappers who once rapped about bitches, hos, gold diggers, and skanks will begin rapping about poverty, war, and education.

Hip-Hop artists who once used the rap game to sell everything from clothing lines to sneakers to Pimp Juice will be forced to reevaluate their reckless marketing campaigns and public personas.

Dr. Dre will take up the cause of ending hunger and illiteracy in the same city of Compton that allowed him to make millions off gangsta rap, earning himself honarary doctorates from Stanford, Harvard, and Cambridge.

Snoop Dogg will quit selling Girls Gone Wild videos and start pushing Liberians Need International Aid, Fo-Rizzle videos and merchandise.

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Happy New Year, ya'll ;)

LSU's Peach Bowl Victory Bigger Than Any One Football Game

PASO ROBLES, Calif. (ZP) -- I couldn't make myself sit down to watch No. 10 LSU take on No. 9 Miami (Fla.) in Friday's Peach Bowl. I was too nervous to flip on the television, afraid of what the score might read.

In grad school, I never went to LSU football games. But because I lived a block away from Tiger Stadium, one of the largest college sports venues in the nation, home games meant long hours trapped in my apartment, held hostage by the hordes of tailgaters and some of the most rabid football fans in the nation.

For much of my time in Baton Rouge, I hated LSU football and the College Football Gods they served.

But this year, football, like just about everything else in Louisiana, faced its own version of the Apocalypse, somehow managing to survive torrential rains, strong winds, flooding, and FEMA.

That's enough to turn even the most diehard gridiron atheist into a believer, so throughout the game, I prayed for something divine, a small miracle of sorts.

It was, of course, the most unholy of prayers.

I prayed for LSU's Tigers to do more than just beat Miami. I prayed LSU would have the power to beat the living shit out of a team unfortunate enough to be nicknamed the Hurricanes on behalf of Louisianans everywhere.

I dreamt of witnessing Tigers wide receiver Skyler Green, who with teammate Brian Johnson turned a two-bedroom apartment into temporary shelter for more than 20 people displaced by Hurricane Katrina, prove once and for all that even one of the world's worst natural disasters can't kill the human spirit.

I asked for a victory on behalf of the Tigers' professional counterparts down the I-10 corridor, the New Orleans Saints, who were forced to spend their season as squatters and had to watch their home stadium, the Superdome, become a ruined symbol of of a tattered city.

I wanted a victory for the college athletic programs displaced or dismantled because of Katrina. I wanted LSU to win one for Tulane, whose football program played 11 games in 11 different stadiums, for McNeese State University, for the University of New Orleans, and for their athletes and student bodies.

I prayed for a victory on behalf of the 31 high schools that lost their football seasons due to Hurricane Katrina, a blow that could end up costing some poor kid a scholarship to college, and for the dozens of female high school student athletes who lost similar opportunities to prove themselves on the field.

Most importantly, I humbly begged the football gods to provide the people of Louisiana with something Mother Nature can never wash away, burn down, abandon, or flood.

I wished for a victory to give people a sign that hope is the most powerful recovery tool known to humankind, a reminder that even a 6 1/2 point underdog helmed by a sophomore quarterback can work miracles.

I am certain I'm not the only one who had similar prayers going into Friday's Peach Bowl. I'm equally certain that I'm not the only former Louisiana resident or LSU alum who teared up a bit at the game's final score.

LSU 40, Miami 3 - the biggest blowout in Peach Bowl history.

A little hope goes a long way.

And that's something to cheer about.

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TECHNORATI TAGS:
LSU, Peach Bowl, Miami Hurricanes, College Football, Louisiana, Hurricane Katrina, high school sports,

Bloggers Are Not Journalists (But Sometimes They Travel Together)

Lord of the Blogs
Kathleen Parker,
Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel
Dec. 28, 2005


"Of all the stories leading America's annual greatest hits list, the one that subsumes the rest is the continuing evolution of information in the Age of Blogging.

"Not since the birth of the printing press have our lives been so dramatically affected by the way we create and consume information -- both to our enormous benefit and, perhaps, to our growing peril.

"What is wonderful and miraculous about the Internet needs little elaboration. We all marvel at the ease with which we can access information -- whether reading government documents previously available only to a few, or tracking down old friends and new enemies.

"It is this latter -- our new enemies -- that interests me most. I don't mean al-Qaida or Osama bin Laden, but the less visible, insidious enemies of decency, humanity and civility -- the angry offspring of narcissism's quickie marriage to instant gratification..."

- READ THE FULL ARTICLE HERE -

Parker has a point.

Blogs should never be mistaken for being true journalism. Blogging is blogging. Reporting is reporting. Sometimes they travel together hand-in-hand along the information highway, other times they refuse to play together and need to be separated.

As a current blogger, I'll be the first one to say that the Zenformation Professional is not a news source. I like to think of it as a "personaprofessional" space. I'd like to think I add something to the human experience through this homestead on the World Wide Web.

However, as a former journalist, I'll be the first to admit that the Blogosphere offers as just many opportunities for perpetuating rumors, myths, gossip, and slander as it offers opportunities for sharing information.

Simply put, blogs are not - and should not - ever be mistaken for the front page of a newspaper. Instead, the blog universe exists more as one giantic, unedited, unfiltered Op/Ed page.

Posting to a blog does not make one a reporter, no matter how much gossip they receive, no matter how much they read or watch.

If you're a blogger reading this, and somehow are under the impression that because you blog you are therefore a "citizen journalist," you probably have no clue as to what a working journalist actually does. Let me give you a very brief crash course:

The journalist's world is comprised of more than just sources of information. There's a team of folks behind every story you read or watch, from coverage of the local high school basketball tournament to the two-minute network packs shipped into your homes just in time for the nightly news.

There are reporters and editors, readers and producers, production staff, paginators, engineers, photographers, and graphic designers.

Being a reporter - actually covering events - requires a lot of grueling footwork, fact-finding, fact-checking, confirmation of information, double-checking sources, triple-checking sources, weeding out of false leads, writing, editing, printing, taping, fighting, teamwork, compromise, gatekeeping...

I could go on for about 20 lines but I'll stop there.

What a news consumer sees, reads, or hears, the final product, reflects only about five percent of the total work involved in putting together a legitimate news source.

Bloggers, for the most part, aren't trained journalists. Journalism requires a dedication to presenting an edited collection of truthful facts. When there is an error, there is the possibility of being charged with libel, the possibility of making a career-ending mistake, the possibility of crossing an ethical line that lands one in some serious hot water.

Journalism is a profession. To paraphrase that wonderful Stan Lee creation, with great power comes great responsibility. It is with that in mind that the drafters of the Bill of Rights included a clause establishing the concept of freedom of the press.

Blogging is not a profession. It is, for the most part, a free-for-all of ideas. While journalism serves as a clearinghouse of humanity's knowledge, the Blogworld serves as its discount swap meet. Every human being on the planet has an opinion about something.

Blogs simply offer humanity a chance to share its intellectual wares unburdened by concepts like ethics, responsibility, and profession. Sometimes that's a good thing; other times, the results can be almost appalling. Blogs work a lot like conversations.

Blogging is nowhere near, as some futurists have predicted, being some form of new journalism or a way for every armchair quarterback to play Edward R. Murrow. Instead, blogs offer a chance for people to share ideas across geographical, regional, social, and political boundaries.

Both the Blogosphere and journalism have their respective places in the modern world. Sometimes those places share a common property line; the dessimination of facts has been known to produce thoughts since the dawn of civilization.

The pair are sometimes companions but they are never the same thing.

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TECHNORATI TAGS:

Journalism, Blogs, Weblogs, Media, News, Reporters

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ADDENDUM:

Dec. 29 2005, 6:32 PM PST

A few folks out there in Cyberspace may want to interpret my agreement with Kathleen Parker - a noted Op/Ed syndicated columnist as well as a commentator for the Rightist TownHall.Com (a noted conservative blog) - as being a blanket endorsement of her political leanings.

I assure you, that is definitely not the case. An editor of mine once had this sign above his desk that read, Reading only one side of things succeeds only in giving the world another one-sided idiot. I'm a firm believer in that principle.

There is plenty of room for a wide array of opinions and ideas beyond and within Right or Left labels. Regardless of political leanings, Parker is still one of the United States' most respected columnists, as are Molly Ivins, Cal Thomas, and Thomas Friedman. While I cannot say I agree with or endorse many of the ideas presented in her column, I do respect Parker as a writer and social critic.

Sincerely,

Jason
The Zenformation Professional

SAN LUIS OBISPO CONFIDENTIAL: Sex, Celebrity, and Why They Shouldn't Mix

SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. (ZP) -- My friend J. works in the adult entertainment industry. Not just as a house or feature dancer, but, well, the whole nine yards.

She's very good at what she does; She makes the equivalent of my monthly salary for an hour's worth of "work." She's acquired some namebrand recognition for herself and works very, very hard to maintain her public image. I personally believe she's smart and saavy enough to do whatever she chooses; I don't like what she does but understand why she does it.

Now, before anybody jumps to conclusions, there is no romantic relationship and definitely no possibility of exploring a romantic relationship. Two totally different personalities living two totally different lifestyles. We're just friends...sort of.

While I have moral reservations about what - and who - she does for a living, I respect her right to do what she pleases with her body without having to deal with me hopping on my high horse. If my laissez-faire attitude concerning this subject bothers you, blame it on the fact that I was once engaged to a stripper for three months.

I realize not everyone takes that position when it comes to such a controversial subject as pornography. Feel free to comment at your leisure.

J. and I met for brunch yesterday morning in San Luis Obispo, then just sort of hung out and did some after-Christmas shopping. I feel bad because I blew off my sister, whom I'd made plans with previously. I didn't give my sister a reason, because, well, I'm pretty sure my family wouldn't approve. But this woman woke up at 4 a.m. to drive up from Los Angeles and called me en route from Santa Barbara. What am I supposed to do?

Brunch was the easy part. J. weighs less than a hundred pounds yet can easily suck down twice her weight in food in under an hour. Hyperactive? The word does not even begin to describe this woman. Trust me, folks, there is nothing sexy or erotic about having to ask a woman to take their bare foot out of your crotch while said person is literally licking the carcass of a tiramisu of her plate.

The shopping and hanging out part is where the trouble begins.

Trying to keep J. entertained is akin to to attempting to train a monkey with OCD. For one, she fidgets. Fidgets with everything. Her necklace. My necklace. I've never had a grown woman pull the ol' high school jock "cup check" routine so many times in one day and find it funny every time.

Nor have I ever had someone insist on sharing a fitting room. She was shopping for jeans and she wanted my opinion. I've seen her naked before, as have quite a few other folks obviously, so that's not the issue. It's not like we were getting down and dirty in a dressing room, but I'm sure it must've seemed pretty odd from the outside.

Because J. is essentially built like a 15-year-old boy (J. is in her 20s), I'm sure at least a few of our fellow shoppers thought I was just another late-20s, metrosexual scenester trying to relive college with a teenage plaything. While this is the norm in places like Beverly Hills, Malibu or Santa Barbara, where such behavior is as common as botox parties and breast implants, this sort of thing sticks out like a sore thumb in San Luis Obispo. I won't even begin to describe some of the looks we received as we left one dressing room after another.

For the record - she walked away from the day with 10 pairs of jeans, a sundress, three handbags, and about a dozen tee-shirts. I bought a shirt off a clearance rack.

A couple of people recognized her at this one boutique we visited. While celebrity worship has always seemed to be the dumbest thing in the world to me, I must admit the whole thing was pretty fascinating to watch. It was as if somebody had flipped a switch somewhere deep inside J. One minute, we're talking about the Dodgers offseason moves. The next, she's smiling with her arms around some random dude, posing for a camera.

The way J. handled the whole thing reminded me of a more personal version of usability testing. She was ensuring her product line was meeting the needs of her clients. A very different kind of user needs analysis but, given the nature of her profession, a very useful tactic.

The tiny fan frenzy lasted about 10 minutes. Soon, she and I were back on the sidewalk window shopping. Without missing a beat, she's back to talking about baseball, smoking up my cigarettes, and asking me how she can install her own garbage disposal.

I told J. about my information-science-in-porn revelation. She gave me a look like I'd just stepped off a rocket from Mars. Information science folks can take some satisfaction in the fact that she picked up on the whole "holistic, user-centered approach" concept in less than five minutes.

While we were getting coffee, she brought up an invitation she'd extended my way months ago in Oxford. A professional proposal of sorts. I'm not talking about a librarian position here, either.

Um...yeah. I'm pretty sure most of my readers are smart enough to connect the dots on this one.

I don't know why, but I got angry. Yelling-in-public angry.

The first time she brought it up months ago, I treated it as a joke. This time, she sounded serious. To me, that's like a slap in the face. I'm really not that kind of guy anymore. When I was young and stupid, back when I was a reckless bastard and womanizing piece of garbage, I probably would've at least considered it. That guy, who my oldest friends referred to as Dog Juan, died a painful death a long time ago.

I guess I felt she crossed a line in our friendship. I still feel that way. Maybe I've been a bit too understanding; maybe that led to some mixed signals on my part. Maybe I hadn't been clear enough in communicating my discomfort. Whatever the reason, I guess I feel having someone ask me to participate in something that would undoubtedly end my career, hurt my family, and make me feel like shit hurt a bit.

I walked off, she followed. Both of us have the "get-in-the-last-word" mentality, so the whole thing turned into a full-fledged argument by the time we reached the parking garage. Yelling turned to sobbing. Sobbing turned to silence. We sat in her little convertable without saying a word for about an hour.

I finally apologized for yelling. She accepted my apology, I think. She didn't say much when I got out of the car - just said she was sorry she offended me.

I still don't know why she got angry. It's not like I asked her to become a librarian and participate in some hot, steamy reference interview in front of complete strangers or on camera.

Yup. There are definitely some wires crossed somewhere.

PRESERVING HISTORY AND PHOEBE CATES' BREASTS, TOO: Library of Congress Announces 2005 National Film Registry Selections

Librarian of Congress James Billington announced the institution's annual selection of 25 motion pictures to be added to the National Film Registry, bringing the total number of films placed on the preservation list to 425.

This year, films include the Gene Hackman vehicle The French Connection (1971), the groundbreaking Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982), The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975), the 1994 documentary Hoop Dreams, and the holiday classic Miracle on 34th Street.

The listing also adds several historical works for preservation, including the surviving footage from the 1910 boxing title fight between Jim Jeffries and Jack Johnson, the first African-American heavyweight champion.

Under the terms of the National Film Preservation Act (NFPA), the Librarian of Congress must name 25 "culturally, historically or aesthetically" significant motion pictures to the Registry each year.

NFPA legislation reauthorized the National Film Preservation Board, increased funding authorizations for the private sector National Film Preservation Foundation, and amended Section 108(h) of U.S. Copyright Law, so that for works in their final 20 years of copyright, libraries and archives now may make these works accessible for research and education if the works are not already commercially available.

For each title named to the registry, the Library of Congress works to ensure that the film is preserved for all time, either through the Library's massive motion picture preservation program or through collaborative ventures with other archives, motion picture studios and independent filmmakers. The Library of Congress contains the largest collections of film and television in the world, from the earliest surviving copyrighted motion picture to the latest feature releases.

For more information, visit the National Film Preservation Board website.

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FILMS SELECTED TO THE NATIONAL FILM REGISTRY LIBRARY OF CONGRESS - 2005

1)  Baby Face (1933)
2) The Buffalo Creek Flood: An Act of Man  (1975)
3)  The Cameraman (1928)
4)  Commandment Keeper Church, Beaufort (SC), May 1940
5)  Cool Hand Luke (1967)
6)  Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
7)  The French Connection (1971)
8)  Giant (1956)
9)  H2O (1929)
10) Hands Up (1926)
11) Hoop Dreams (1994)
12) House of Usher (1960)
13) Imitation of Life (1934)
14) Jeffries-Johnson World's Championship Boxing Contest (1910)
15) Making of an American (1920)
16) Miracle on 34th Street (1947)
17) Mom and Dad (1944)
18) The Music Man (1962)
19) Power of the Press (1928)
20) A Raisin in the Sun (1961)
21) The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)
22) San Francisco Earthquake and Fire April 18, 1906
23) The Sting (1973)
24) A Time for Burning (1966)
25) Toy Story (1995)

The Gang of Four Meme

Four names you’ve gone by:
Fucker, J., J. Wayne, and Pooh Bear

Four jobs you’ve had:
Librarian, sports broadcaster, corporate information consultant, print journalist

Four movies you could watch over and over:
The Wild Bunch, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn, Dawn of the Dead, most John Hughes flicks

Four places you’ve lived:
San Luis Obispo, Calif., Baton Rouge, La., Greeley, Colo., Farmville, Va.

Four current TV shows you love to watch:
Battlestar Galactica, Modern Marvels (The History Channel), most anything on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, and Star Trek DS9 reruns.

Four places you’ve been on vacation:
The Bahamas, Miami, Grand Lake, Colo., Scottsdale, Ariz.

Four websites you visit daily:
BBC, The UN Dispatch, Google News, The United Nations Chronicle

Four of your favorite foods:
Right now, hmm...butter beans, winter squash, my sister's fruit salad stuff, and yogurt

Four places you’d rather be:
Pretty much anywhere but where I currently live.

Four albums you can’t live without:
The Ramones - Pleasant Dreams
Marty Robbins - Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs
Johnny Cash - Live at Folsom
Social Distortion - Mommy's Little Monster

Four teachers/professors that were important to you:
Mrs. Rowland, high school Algebra teacher
Mrs. Christian - Middle school science teacher
Mrs. Wood-Davis - high school track coach
Dr. Barry - Graduate school major professor

Four songs that give you goosebumps:
Will Oldham/Bonnie "Prince" Billy -- I See a Darkness
Hank Williams -- The Angel of Death
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers -- Southern Accents
Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds - The Mercy Seat

Four things that smell great:
Fresh coffee, fresh cut honeydew mellon, Prince Albert pipe tobacco, line-dried linens

Four books you recommend:
(The librarian in me requires linking to either e-texts or OCLC's Open Worldcat)
Founding Brothers - Joseph J. Ellis
Leaves of Grass (any edition) - Walt Whitman
The Meditations - Marcus Aurelius
The American Soul by Jacob Needleman

THE ZENFO WIRE -- HOLIDAY EDITION: Dispatches from the Cyberspace Jungle

The War on Christmas
Pt. I, II, III, IV
Bob "Crash" Patterson,
Zen and the Art of Obsession, Dec. 8-24, 2005

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Patterson provides blistering commentary and a fresh perspective on the the so-called "War on Christmas."

Crash has followed the various breadcrumbs leading away from the efforts of groups like the American Family Association and others, examining the often nasty rhetoric behind the reinvention of a Yuletide politics.

F* Congress

STRIDER,
Sound Destruction, Dec. 20, 2005

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The U.S. State Department's recent request for $50 million for Sudan relief was soundly rejected by Congress earlier this month, despite pleas from Secretary Condoleezza Rice.

SD offers a simple reaction that sums up the feelings of many involved with the plight of that region.


VOA - From Devil Worship To Treason
Andrew Heavens,
Meskel Square: A Weblog About Ethiopia, Dec. 23, 2005

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Heavens looks at accusations leveled against Voice of America (VOA) by Ethiopia's government-controlled media in the wake of recent protests in that country.

Five VOA journalists have been charged in absentia earlier this month, charged with involvement in an alleged plot to overthrow the Ethiopia government.

Blue-Eyed Soul
The Humanity Critic,
Daily Views, Pop Culture, Rants, and News, Dec. 15, 2005

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Intriguing piece on long-held racial stereotypes, athletes, and the value of white soul singers.

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"Oi to the Punks, Oi to The Skins...Oi to the World and Everybody Wins"

AN ITTY BITTY ZENFORMATION PLAYLIST

Oi To The World - The Vandals (MP3)

(It's Gonna Be A) Punk Rock Christmas - The Ravers

Merry Christmas - The Ramones

White Christmas - Patti Smith (MP3)

HOLIDAYS, SCHMOLIDAYS: X-Mas Marks the Sore Spot

PASO ROBLES, Calif. (ZP) -- Is it just me, or is this whole "Fundamentalist Christians As Yuletide Dictators"/"Insert Generic Holiday Greeting Here" portion of the Culture Wars just plain stupid?

Does anybody other than a few Bible Thumping idiots really care about this? Boycotting stores that use generic holiday slogans in frigging ad campaigns?

I saw my thousandth "Put Christ Back In Christmas" bumper sticker this afternoon. Maybe if Christian Extremists spent less time trying to sell God like a Elvis Collector Plate, maybe they'd have just enough time to read the Sermon on the Mount. The Beatitudes puts the Galilean rabbi up there on the list of the world's greatest moral teachings.

Before one begins to dictate what it is, exactly, Jesus would do, it's important to remember that the legendary Jewish carpenter, historically, never owned a silicone WWJD bracelet, never drove a car, never shopped in a mall, never owned a house, never baked cookies, put up a tree, hung mistletoe, or attended a church service.

He didn't sing Christmas Carols, he'd never heard of Charles Darwin, and never said "Blessed are the Entitled and the Mildly Hysterical."

I'm no theologian, but I'm pretty sure Christ cared more about his fellow human beings than politics, accumulating material wealth, owning an iPod Nano, or organized religion.

To be an equal-opportunity offender, there are folks on the opposite end of the religious spectrum who feel religion has no place in modern society, who view religious belief as somehow being an outdated crutch of the weak-minded, offensive to the modern system of political correctness.

Hey, I may disagree with a lot of the rhetoric of the Religious Right, but I'll fight to protect their right to practice their religion however they wish, so long as their rights do not impede on the rights of others.

There are way too many Americans who've somehow managed to convince themselves that the Establishment Clause somehow bars faith-based discourse, that somehow the Bill of Rights was meant to eliminate all traces of divinity from public life. The separation between church and state was designed to not only protect the state from the laws of one man or woman's interpretation of one particular religion, but to protect the individual's right to faith from those who would seek government authority to silence them.

You may not like seeing Nativity scenes on the lawns of private residences, but thinking that there should be some sort of local ordinance banning such displays is unconstitutional. You may be offended that that Muslim woman refuses to remove her veil in your Humanities class, but, legally, her right to believe outweighs your discomfort. However, there's a big difference between an individual or group praying in school and a school administrator leading students in even voluntary prayer or moments of silence. There's a difference between a judge displaying the Ten Commandments in their private chambers and a judge who puts them up in open court.

Religious freedom is not about comfort levels, nor is it about preventing people from being offended. If your employer is holding a Christmas Party and putting up a Happy Birthday Jesus banner, then there may be a violation of your rights, depending on who you work for.

If you're upset because everybody at work wants to talk about Christmas, well, buy some earplugs. Better yet, try adding your voice to the discussion. Thomas Jefferson designed the Bill of Rights to serve as the ground rules for just such a conversation.

If it's any solace, the practice of Christmas has very little to do with Christianity. Like Chanukah, it was pretty much a minor religious holiday that ended up becoming an excuse to buy people things.

I really wish I could give more of a rat's ass, but, well, with all the problems the world is facing these days - from the crisis in the Sudan, malaria on the rise in the less developed world, wars, plagues, and other disasters - the whole thing seems about as culturally significant as a pimple on the ass of one of the Olsen Twins.

...Be it therefore enacted by the General Assembly, That no man shall be compelled to frequent or support any religious worship, place, or ministry whatsoever, nor shall be enforced, restrained, molested, or burdened in his body or goods, nor shall otherwise suffer on account of his religious opinions or belief; but that all men shall be free to profess, and by argument to maintain, their opinions in matters of religion, and that the same shall in nowise diminish, enlarge, or affect their civil capacities.

- The Virginia Act For Religious Freedom, 1786

I want to wish everyone a very happy holidays, regardless of what you may celebrate.

CYBERSTALKERS, BLOGGER COURTESY & SAFETY :Sometimes It Only Takes One Asshole to Remind the World That the Internet Can Be a Frightening Place

Recently, I found out that one of my favorite blogs will be going offline.

Girl on the Blog will apparently no longer be updated.

The reason?

Somebody crossed a very important boundary for the author - the ability to maintain some level of separation between her offline life and her life in Cyberspace.

According to GOTB's author, this person, who I'll call John, e-mailed the site's author and revealed that they had been able to figure out who she really was, where she lived, and I'm sure other things.

While this person purported to be a "counselor" who only wanted to "help" GOTB, an act that seems innocent enough on the surface, this person has crossed a serious line. Contrary to popular opinion, the online world shares many strengths and weaknesses with the offline world.

John's reported correspondence with GOTB was enough to give her the creeps - she announced in her Dec. 15 post that she has removed images of her family and other personal information. She will also discontinue using Blogger.

John may have crossed the line between being a fan and being a stalker. While John probably doesn't see that he's done anything wrong (a common profile element of most stalkers), by playing the "I know who you are and where you live" game, he's created a situation where any further contact could be perceived as harrassment and possibly prosecutable.

Several of the author's fans, including Deep Thought and Esoteric Wombat, have already expressed many of the same sentiments I've been feeling for the last few days. I want to commend those two authors on their excellent posts.

Just as in the real world, stalkers exist on the web. I myself have had to deal with both real world and cyberstalkers.

When I was a journalist, I once had a woman call an editor of mine, claiming I was the mother of her child and that we were secretly married. My a fellow journalist called the cops on said woman when she showed up at my office demanding "child support" because "God" told her to do so. Back then, I had women leave Bible readings on my voice-mail, a guy threaten to kill me, and an irrate parent of a high school football player once call me 20 times in one week.

Because of this blog, I myself had a local cyberstalker incident. A local female, upon reading about various relationship problems I had last Spring, decided she and I would be the perfect match; she also had decided to quit taking her meds around the same time.

Her parents discovered the cyberstalker behavior through the girl's housemate; they contacted me to find out if I was their daughter's "boyfriend." The girl has since moved back in with her parents and is back on her meds.

Cyberstalking should always be taken seriously. GOTB did the right thing in shutting down her site. Her family's well-being comes first. It's just sad that we live in a world where it has to come to that.

I'll close by echoing some of Wombat's frustrations with a little letter to "John"...

Dear John:

If you (yeah, I know who you are, too) feels the need to harrass somebody, feel free to hit me up with an e-mail. I'm not not intimidated by much.

Maybe stalking somebody's mother provides you with the shits-and-giggles you need to get through your sad life. Maybe you aren't up to the challenge of harrassing somebody your own size. Fine. But maybe you should think about your actions next time.

For every bit of information one is able to track down about somebody else online, there's an electronic paper trail leading back to the searcher. By sending GOTB random e-mails, you've caused a shitstorm. She has your name and URL. So do several others.

And I can't speak for other GOTB readers, but I know I have a really long memory.

Thanks (for being a total shithead),

Jason,
The Zenformation Professional

TOO MUCH INFORMATION:Total Strangers, Boob Jobs, Orgasms, and a Golden Retriever

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Another Meme to Pass the Time

A meme tag from Ms. Monkeythong. I figure this should keep everybody entertained for a while. As always, tags are open-source.

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What were you doing 10 years ago?
Hmmm...a lot of drugs. Drinking way too much MD 20/20, Thunderbird, and Colt 45. I think I lost my virginity in December of 1995. Can't remember her name, but I know it was at a party in some abandoned farmhouse in Buckingham County, Virginia. Hoping I never ended up in prison.

What were you doing one year ago?
Hmmm...well, probably planning a getaway to my grandmother's house in Virginia.

Five snacks you enjoy:
I don't really snack. Yogurt maybe?

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1. "Jockey Full of Bourbon" by Tom Waits
2. "I Wanna Be Sedated" by the Ramones
3. "Jackson" by Johnny Cash/June Carter
4. "Mannish Boy" by Muddy Waters
5. "Rambling Man" by Hank Williams

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. Pay off student loans.
2. Pay off a random stranger's student loans.
3. Kepp a hundred grand for myself.
4. Give half of the remainder to domestic charitable organizations.
5. The remainder to international agencies.

Five bad habits:
1. Drinking too much coffee.
2. I smoke like a chimney.
3. I tend to talk too much.
4. I read too much.
5. I complain about other people complaining.

Five things you like doing:
1. Waking up in the morning.
2. Watching the sun come up.
3. I enjoy a nice Scotch every once and a while.
4. I am the Thrift Store King
5. Hitting up a good diner for coffee.

Five things you would never wear again:
No clue...odds are, I would wear it again. Except the mohawk.

Five favorite toys:
1. My 18 v. cordless drill
2. My cheap-ass guitar
3. My lucky Zippo
4. Legos
5. Do the outdoors count as a toy? Close enough.

The ZenFo Pro Hits the Road for the Holidays

Wow. Didn't realize its been this long since I last posted.

I've been on the road the past few days. Right now, I'm in Fort Collins, Colo. - a short layover here for my baby sister's graduation from Colorado State University. This afternoon, I'm off to (hopefully) sunny California for a few weeks.

It was a rather wonderful visit, but, alas, I've been too swamped to come up with anything decent to post.

Let me say there are a few things about traveling these days that annoy me to no end.

1. Connecting flights through Chicago. How many crackheads did it take to design O'Hare anyway?

2. Those obnoxious women who insist on treating their little drop-kick dogs like children. Fido belongs down below in a crate, not yapping and wimpering for the duration of a flight.

3. Jet Lag. Since I normally get up at around 5 in the morning, what better way to start off a vacation than by waking up at 3 a.m. MT for three days.

I should be back to full-posting strength in one or two more days.

COLD WAR II Is the Tunnel Vision Leading Towards the Western Irrelevance in the Far East?

Odd Man Out in Asia

Suzanne Nossel, Democracy Arsenal

"This is an interesting but disturbing piece about the consolidation and integration underway in Asia which, for the first time since WWII is creating an alliance that expressly excludes the US.

"The first-ever East Asia Summit convenes Wednesday and will involve 16 nations including China, India, Japan, South Korea, Malaysia, Idonesia, Australia and New Zealand. This is the first regional grouping to include both China and India, who have opted to deliberately leave us out..."

- NOSSEL'S ANALYSIS OF THE ASIAN SUMMIT HERE -

I've said this before, and I'll say it again...

I'm a firm believer that the "end" of the first Cold War between socioeconomic structure, the "us-vs.-them" mentality that cost the world trillions in USD and millions of lives...never really ended.

Did capitalism prevail over Soviet communism? Sure. I'll buy that. But what about the rest of the no-longer-slumbering giants, China and India?

Is the War On Terror really a war that needs to be fought? Or is it a victory that can be guaranteed only with long-term foreign policy adjustment in the West?

Most of the major conflicts in the world today owe at least some of their history to the Cold War. The weapons of choice in these conflicts are almost always old Soviet- or American-made, leftovers from a ideological struggle.

And this isn't just an American problem. Can't even blame it solely on the Bush administration. No, the rest of the so-called civilized world is just as guilty of self-imposed blindness. The U.S. is specifically targeted here; but it's a matter of time before other Western powers have to pay the piper for things like colonialism, failed empire-building, and cultural God complexes.

If Asian nations, led by China and India, begin to form insular blocs - similar to the old Warsaw Pact or the antique NATO , why should Asian nations give a rat's ass what Americans, Britons, Canadians, and Europeans do with their money?

They probably don't give a rat's ass anymore.

Why give a rat's ass about an artificially maintained sphere of dominance? What does the West do anymore? Industrial production is moving to Asia...The West is just one big sucker of a consumer.

All I Want For Christmas is the Gift of Hope

Can Holiday Spending Impact Global Poverty?
Nathan Dungan, (WPLG-TV, Miami Fla.) Family Finance Expert

"I read some startling information the other day that hit me like an arctic cold front.

"Before I share what it was, I should tell you that I have been researching and speaking on the topic of money, values and habits for 17 years. In short, it takes something fairly extreme to stop me in my tracks. But after reading the 2005 UNICEF study --The State of the World’s Children -- I must admit that I was rendered speechless.

"The reason: the overwhelming reality of what it is going to take to reverse the inertia of global poverty, especially as it impacts children..."

- READ THE REST OF DUNGAN'S EDITORIAL HERE -

I read this this morning, and the first thing I did was double-check the statistics. (For those who don't know or haven't read long enough, I research the Digital Divide and Information Poverty in the Developing World...really long white paper to be published shortly in peer-reviewed journal.)

The second thing I did: I had to look twice. A broadcaster in a large market - a financial analyst, no less - was actually looking at the socioeconomic impact of the Plague-of-Locusts consumerism by Americans during the holidays...and was contrasting that against the plagues pounding down on Africa like a sledgehammer.

People keep asking what I want for Christmas. They want to know about possessions, things, widgets.

I don't need anymore damned widgets.

If you want to give me a gift, hey, I'm not worth it. Instead, give whatever you were going to spend to legitimate charities and NGOs that can use that money to bring more hope and joy to the majority of the world.

I don't need an XBOX or a PS2. But the world needs more computing resource centers like the community telecenter in Ghana.

I don't need a DVD of Sex in the City or Desperate Housewives. I don't watch that horseshit anyway. But if you hook up the Ethiopian Women's Promotion Center, I'd be very thankful for the gift.

Not buying me a gift? Perfect. Treat yourself and have a Fair Trade Christmas. Buy yourself some fairly-traded coffee. Support your local farmer's co-ops.

All I want for Christmas is a bit of hope. I'm blessed because I have a great family, amazing friends, and live in a country where I can choose to blieve, speak, worship, and visit with whomever I please. Not everyone is so fortunate.

Happy Holidays!

ZENFORMATION MAIL: 2005 Final Edition(And a Quick Note To Recent E-mailers)

PREFACE:

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2005 random e-mail wrap-up. Cleaning out my Yahoo Inbox, I found several bizarre e-mails I forgot to post. Some are personal questions I've debated answering.

I received several today regarding my last post. I guess I need to lay down some ground rules from now on regarding e-mail submissions. I'll answer them all with one statement.

JUST BECAUSE A GIRL (OR GIRLS) CRAWLS INTO BED WITH A DUDE DOTH NOT MEAN THAT THEIR WAS SEX INVOLVED.

A) I was not "Hitting It"
B) Participating in a threesome.
C) Nor was I "Scoring"
D) I was not shagging your roommate, your housemate, your girlfriend (dude, if you have to ask that, then your relationship's probably in trouble), your girlfriend's housemate, your prof/TA, or any woman you may/may not have seen me talking to at work. (Hint - the library profession is about 80% female and there are, I believe, more females who use my library regularly than males), nor am I gay.
E)I was not "hooking up with" somebody.
F) There is nothing amoral about simply lying in bed with two girls.
G) If there had actually been a little bit of action in the ZenFo Pro Den of Love, do you really think I'd post sordid details about it here? Even if I wrote about it, I'd use fake names and carefully edit the post several times to make sure I wasn't violating somebody's rights to privacy.

Regardless of what you do not have any sort of right to know the details of my sexual history. It's my blog, sorry. I'll post what I want. I appreciate comments and try to be respectful of all who e-mail or post. But please be courteous and realize the World Wide Web is a very public place. Just because you read a web site does not mean I'm obliged towards full disclosure of every detail of my life.

To regular readers, please don't take too much offense. I remember seeing how Pia at Courting Destiny was getting picked on by folks a while back, how Cooper was getting hammered about her sex life, and how Zydeco Fish kept having random attacks by some very bizarre reader, so I decided I'd better lay the hammer down a bit. I hope this doesn't sound like a lecture.

Thanks,
Jason

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Now, on with the Mailbag...



* NOTE - These are e-mails I've received via the Zenformation Professional. I have removed all identifiers in the queries to protect privacy, even of the ZenFo haters. No names from this point on - just cities. I reserve the right to NOT answer questions about my personal life but may answer them privately. I will only post e-mails and responses that specifically ask me to post a response; however, no advertising or hotlinking will be allowed.

E-mail text is unedited (other than identifiers) and some content may be objectionable to some folks.

- Jason,

AKA The Zenformation Professional

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I just wanted you to know that I find your site very interesting. I like to read it in class. (boring lectures boring professors boring college)

- OXFORD, OHIO, Dec. 1, 2005

Thanks. That was the nicest e-mail I've gotten in a while. Short and simple and to the point. Hopefully, you swing by others as well, check out some of the links like DATA and organizations like CCSR, and spread the love, chica! - ZP

u think your soooo fucking hi and mighty. your music tastes suck. your fairy library sucks you suck your town sucks and you're probably a fucking Justin Timberlake wannabe do you even read the kind of shit you right? I see you work at a library why don't you stick to shelving books and writing about that. Leave musac reviewing to professionals bookworm.

- CINCINNATI, OHIO, Dec. 12, 2005

Anybody who read the comments on my last OXFORD CONFIDENTIAL post may remember somebody posting "anonymously" (hint - the poster liked his/her shift key a bit too much.) Just a note - posting anonymous comments and then sending a nasty e-mail with your full name listed afterwards defeats the purpose. Not going to really respond. I will say that if one defines being a librarian in the 21st century as being a "bookworm," they probably haven't been in a decent library in a while. I rarely have time to pleasure read. - ZP

I feel so stupid for asking this given the fact that you seem to be peeved that local people spot you all around where you live - that would annoy me, too. I'm a librarian in a small town as well. I've been thinking about starting a blog but yours has given me some doubts.

Do you think the Zenformation site makes it harder for you to get work done? It seems that you are reluctant to talk about your professional life but share these wonderfully written stories about your personal experiences. That scares me; I'm a lesbian and I'm essentially a solo librarian in a very small conservative community.

- LOCATION WITHHELD AT REQUEST OF SENDER

First, thanks for reading. Second, I think given the newness of the whole blogging phenomena, I jumped in rather naively, feet-first and without looking first - as the old saying goes, a plumbers pipes always leak. This is also true, I think, for librarians - we get so excited about a new service that we rarely look at the ramifications of our actions. We're information-format lab rats, or at least we're supposed to be.

Unfortunately, animal testing often results in some sometimes painful experiences for the animals. I know I've had my share. If you're still reading, you may have seen my little tirade above. I know, for instance, that a colleague of mine reads my blog occasionally - he told me he tonight that he found the site accidentally. How do I balance out what I want to write with what I probably shouldn't write.

I don't think the ZenFo Pro alter ego has made it harder to work, but I definitely think its made it much harder to blog. There are days I leave my office, walk onto the floor, and catch some group of patrons looking at me funny. That can be awkward. But Cyberspace is a vast place that reaches the world's most privileged; I constantly remind myself that regardless of how many patrons, librarians, and other folks read my site, it will always be such a miniscule portion of the population.

I think your concern is very real, and you do need to worry about the image you portray to the community. I've actually visited your town before; you probably have very good reason to be concerned, especially being a lesbian. Didn't strike me as a very tolerant place, and if you're not comfortable telling patrons offline you're a lesbian, you might want to think about what you say online. I would advise setting up stone-cold alter-ego, something that's hard to crack. Be careful to not list too much personal information that can make you easily identifiable. I post a pic as my avatar; in your community (and the Internet in general) that might not be the best option.

Hope that at least gives you a starting point - I'm in now way a master blogger and have only been running this for since May. Surf the web, see what you can find and keep me posted. - ZP

Five Bizarre Habits of the ZenFo Pro

Girl on the Blog hit me up with a tag this morning, so I feel it is my gentlemanly duty to respond.

Consider yourself tagged.

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Five Very Weird Habits of Mine

1. During the Winter, I keep my house at a balmy 60 degrees, 57 degrees at night.

I get more complaints from female houseguests than male houseguests. Recently, I had two female houseguests, Jen and her traveling companion. I offered to let them take my warmer, second floor bedroom. They said they were fine sleeping on the couch on the colder ground floor.

I awoke to find both women in my bed, THX quality Surround-Sound snoring. Before anybody gets too caught up in some idea that this is a guy's fantasy scenario, let me point out that hyperactive women give off way too much body heat and tend to twitch like chihuahuas whilst sleeping. You'd think two gals who spend the majority of their workday in varying stages of (un)dress could handle cold.

I moved back down to the couch downstairs. I can hardly sleep when the temp. gets above 70 or so. I am not a frigging space heater. That's why I always offer my guests the upstairs.

2. I have a tendency to eat the same thing for months on end.

Eating is mechanical for me. I gave up soda last year. Processed sugar for 2005. I've eaten at least 200 pounds of butter beans since October.

3. Eating beef would probably kill me.

For some reason, my grandmother and I are both allergic to something in beef now. Probably the hormones or agricultural antibiotics. I've been to the emergency room twice because some idiot at a sandwich shop accidently put roast beef on my sandwich.

4. I'm Such a Nonconsumer...

The total value of household furniture (3 bed, 1.5 bath) is probably about $400, excluding books, music, and musical instuments.

I have two bedrooms that are never used. I don't have them heated.

I have a couch. No other seating, besides kitchen table chairs.

5. I Cry Watching Ken Burns' Baseball

Yes. I cried. And I once watched the complete series in one sitting. The orgins of baseball are so interesting, and 19th century baseball was one a research interest of mine.

How many times does a baseball fan get to learn about the old American Association or the Players Association or Old Hoss Radburn or the 1901 Baltimore Orioles?

I also cry watching Field of Dreams...the Burt Lancaster-saves-the-little-girl part always gets me.

And I cried when the Red Sox won the series, when the the Marlins beat the Cubs in that amazing NLCS before that.

OXFORD CONFIDENTIAL:Seven Things That Annoy Me

Best Part of the Weekend:
Completed (Mostly) New Cold Archives Remix, inspired by bizarre imagery created from the Wu-Tang/Sleater-Kinney reference in my last Playlist:

- Download the Latest Cold Archives Experiment (112kbps)-

Now back to your regularly scheduled rant...

SEVEN THINGS ANNOYING ME LATELY

1. The Radioactive Women of Southwestern Ohio
Its winter here. Lots of snow on the ground. Very little sun. Do you think there's anybody out there who honestly believes your tan is natural? Ladies, its clear you've absorbed enough UV radiation to power whole villages in Russia - you know, like Moscow. Don't come crying to me when those freckles turn to melanoma. It's your hide.

2. Post-It Gnomes
I just cleaned my desk at work. I've discovered that the same little bastards who ate my matching socks at the laundromat this morning have eaten my last three packs of Post-Its. That does it - I'm putting the sons of bitches on an urban-legend endangered species list.

3. Thanks for Pointing Out My Graying Skull
Yes, I have a few gray hairs. You usually don't notice them, because I usually use pomade in my hair. I'm not embarrased by them; my dad started going gray in his 20s and I've earned each one. Some girl today asked how old I was. I asked her to take a guess. She guessed 38. Now, 38 is nowhere near being old, but please don't age me 11 years simply because I'm going gray early.

4. Cruel and Unusual Punishment
To the bum who broke up with his girlfriend the night before her morning final then left her stranded without a ride...yeah, that's smooth, chief. Thanks for making guys everywhere look like complete chumps. Next time, if you're looking for just a sexual relationship, make sure the feeling's mutual.

5. And When I'm Being a Reckless Bastard...
I realized that the two runners I almost ran over Friday were actually coworkers on a polar jog. Note to self - only change CDS when at a stoplight or cruising down the Interstate. Realizing my mistake, I apologized. They didn't even notice that I came this close to hitting them. I don't know what makes me feel more like an idiot - knowing when I've been a dumbass or apologizing for being a dumbass and finding out that nobody noticed.

6. The bands Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance
Two names for ya, fellas -- Winger and Warrant. Never heard of 'em? Well, they were 80s metal bands with oh-so-hot frontmen who fed radio a steady diet of power-pop tunes that nobody really wants to admit they ever listened to. Yeah, they paid too much for their ripped jeans, too. I'm certain I'll be seeing your albums selling for $5.99 at truckstops everywhere in about, oh, two years.

7. Red Bull Tweekers Posing as College Students
Don't drink that stuff. Seriously. Go home, get a good night's rest, and you'll be fine. Eat more green leafy veggies and have a good breakfast before your exam. Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. You'll be okay. It's just a test.

Richard Pryor 1940-2005:Comedian Joins Redd Foxx as Heaven's Funniest Mother#$%!ers

If you get easily offended by graphic language, skip this post.

I remember being in this kid's bedroom, three fourth graders huddled together in a circle, whispering, snickering, oohing and ahhing softly, praying we didn't wake the adults in the house.

We'd discovered something naughty. Very naughty.

Not some stash of porn. No, we're talking forbidden stuff. The kind of shit that's completely taboo for young kids.

We were listening to a Richard Pryor comedy album, well-worn vinyl creating way too much uncontrollable laughter. I'm sure we woke up somebody.

Pryor was one of the dirtiest of the dirty comics, and I'm proud to say, to this day, I don't just swear well. I still swear like a motherfucker.

I don't swear as flippantly as I once did. With maturity comes a larger vocabulary. But I learned the linguistic survival skills necessary for childhood from guys like Redd Foxx, Pryor, and Rudy Ray Moore (AKA Dolemite).

Your family's so poor, ya'll have a platinum WIC card.
Your mama so old, she drinks water and pisses the sands of time
Your daddy's so ugly, they shoulda named him Broke Condom Jones.
Your sisters's so stupid, she tried to put free lunch on layaway.

When I first read about Pryor's passing, I couldn't help but remember this one moment from childhood - sitting around a record player and trying in vain to not laugh out loud.

Pryor had this one bit about the sex lives of his pet monkeys. Listening to it now, I still can't help but laugh.

- Listen to the Monkey Routine Here [MP3] -

I'm certain Richard Pryor's in heaven, if there is a heaven. I'm equally certain that he's one of the funniest motherfuckers up there.

2005 YEAR IN REVIEW: War, Peace, Worthless Celebrity Worship, and Natural Disasters

Ahh...2005. A year of marked by wars, natural and man-made disasters, and numerous other nails added to humanity's coffin. My hope is 2006 brings something better.

That bitch Katrina wrecked havoc on New Orleans and the Gulf Coast - what floodwaters didn't destroy, human stupidity managed to almost obliterate. Winter's arrived in Pakistan and India, so the bodies of thousands will probably rot underneath earthquake rubble before either country gives a damn about the necessity of peace.

Western civilization, in the self-appointed seats of cultural superiority, continue to produce more Marie Antoinettes than Marie Curies. While Paris burned, the media continued to pay attention to some dumbass named Paris Hilton. Tom Cruise went insane, knocked up his baby mama, and starred in a movie about an alien threat; while he got the press, Iran continued its nuclear insanity, played baby-daddy to some processed uranium.

So Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, and other celebrities want to starve to death to fit some bullshit standard of death-camp chic? Fine, let them waste away into nothing. Just make sure their foodstuff ends up in Darfur and other regions faced with unwanted starvation.

Israel and the Palestinian Authority? They'll keep bickering and killing each other, and I'm tired of pretending like any of it matters. Its a stupid family feud and neither side gets my sympathy. Go ahead, keep killing each other. With every suicide bombing in Tel Aviv and with every IDF bullet that takes out some Palestinian teenager, the Holy Land moves a little closer towards its own destruction.

No military aid, no trade, and no economic support until there's a lasting peace accord that includes the creation of two separate, independent democracies and the conditions of United Nations Resolution 181 (II) [1947] are met.

Iraq? I'm embarrassed, as an American, that the initial invasion of Iraq promised to liberate the Iraqi people yet has led to only to the creation of another Banana Republic. Complete and sudden withdrawl at this point would just cause more senseless bloodshed. Its high time the American government quit treating Iraq like it did South Vietnam, quit focusing on propping up an Iraqi government and started focusing on building up the Iraqi people.

Want to get Americans out of Iraq? Then let's pressure our elected officials to sit down and give us a true comprehensive plan for finishing what we started. Too many people seem to believe politicians and militaries create democracies. The truth is everyday people create nations - farmers, educators, carpenters, craftsmen, poets, architects, engineers, artists, theologians, athiests, accountants, and shopkeepers. The U.S. was built by its Whitmans, its Emersons, its Frederick Douglasses, its Susan B. Anthonys, its Babe Ruths - not by its Nixons, Kennedys, or Bushes.

To Old Man 2005, good luck and good riddance. See ya in hell.

I, for one, am glad to see your wrinkled ass hit the highway.

THE ZENFO WIRE: Dispatches from Cyberspace

Too lazy to actually post anything this morning, so I'm going to just refeed a series of my favorite posts over the last week in a new quasi-regular feature I'll call the ZenFo Wire:

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I HATED MATH SO I BECAME A LIBRARIAN
The Well-Dressed Librarian, Dec. 2, 2005

WDL provides an in-depth analysis of the real mathematical wizardry that goes on behind-the-scenes at libraries.

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PICK A TOPIC...
Girl on the Blog, Dec. 9, 2005

GOTB picks through the weeks news and dishes out commentary on everything from Airport shoot-out in Florida to the release of the Chronicles of Narnia film.

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TOP FIVE THINGS I SHOULD BE DOING INSTEAD OF GRADUATE SCHOOL
No One Here Thinks I'm Funny, Dec. 5, 2005

Anyone who's been through grad school can relate to at least the spirit of this list. Who hasn't had doubts about higher education lately?

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BRATTY KIDS ARE NOW SUPERNATURAL INDIGO CHILDREN
IvyMike, Dec. 7, 2005

If the creepy-ass post title hasn't grabbed your attention, the South Park screenshot will give you nightmares. Exposing the creepiest quack science I've read about in years.

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RANDOM MEMORY WEDNESDAY
One Way or Another, Dec. 7, 2005

Wednesday marked the 64th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. A former sailor reflects on the very personal impact of visiting the memorial atop the sunken hull of the U.S.S. Arizona and the impact of knowing there are bodies entombed beneath the waves...

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JULIE ANDREWS GAVE BIRTH TO A WINGNUT?!?
Kendrak's Attack, Dec. 2, 2005

Kendra tracks down and exposes one of the most bizarre websites I've come across in my ten years in Cyberspace. Yes, there are strange things floating around the World Wide Web. Nowhere near as vile as the Goatse.cx creepfest that filled inboxes in the late 1990s, but this one is is nonetheless interesting.

(Note - The Goatse link leads to the wikipedia entry, not the actual infamous hello.jpg. While the entry may shock and disgust some, I'm not into the whole trolling thing.)

Seven Tips for Surviving Finals Week...

For those college students gearing up for or in the midst of Final Exam Week:

1. It is possible to overstudy for final examinations. Don't be an idiot; remember to take study breaks and to relax. A break constitutes pushing the books and piles of notes aside, getting up, and getting away from the material for a while - not moping about how much more studying you still have to do.

2. Cramming at the last minute does absolutely no good and is about as worthwile an endeavor as sucking on a chainsaw. Pace your studying and use your time wisely. Honestly, if you start cramming eight hours before an exam, you probably deserve a big F.

3. Remember not to take Higher Education too seriously. Tanking an exam is not the end of the world. A C- in a chemistry class won't keep you out of med school...and if it does, there's always those Central American and Caribbean med schools that take just about everybody.

4. Group study sessions work for some people; solitary studying works for others. Don't get pressured into helping some classmate who wants to make up for ditching a dozen classes. Let him fail. Higher Ed is survival of the fittest, after all...

5. Know Thy Material. Don't worry about what the instructor is looking for, how he/she grades, or how the exam grade will affect your course grade. If you don't know your stuff, you won't pass. Period.

6. Your prof or instructor doesn't really hate you. He/she is not trying to kill you, but there may be some sadistic monkey-torture involved.

7. For essays, please remember that nobody really likes reading 20-30 long-winded diatribes that say absolutely nothing. Write what needs to be written to answer the frigging question. Fluff and froo-froo wording may impress friends, but bullshit answers just waste the instructor's time. Write a strong introduction, a body, and a conclusion. Just answer the question, dammit.

ZENFORMATION PLAYLIST DEC. 6, 2005:Patti Smith AND... the Wu-Tang Clan?!?

1. Bonzo Goes to Bitburg - The Ramones, Animal Boy 1985
Johnny Ramone may have been a diehard Conservative, and apparently always hated this Reagan-bashing tune, but for some reason its always been one of my favorite songs.

2. After Forever - Black Sabbath, Master of Reality, 1971
I can't believe it took the rock snob voters at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this frigging long to vote in Sabbath, Lynard Skynard, and the Sex Pistols. "After Forever" is hands-down, my all time favorite Sabbath song. I liked Zeppelin, but, well, my brief Sabbath fixation scared the crap out of my parents, clergy, and teachers.

3. Yesterday is Here - Tom Waits, Frank's Wild Years, 1990
I once made fun of a friend who got dumped because he was so obsessed with a Nirvana song "Lithium" that he stopped in the middle of sex to turn up the radio. (The girlfriend dumped him as he apparently did this often.) Pretty sure I'd exhibit the same level of insanity regarding this song.

4. Triumph - The Wu-Tang Clan, Wu-Tang Forever, 1997
I miss the Ol' Dirty Bastard. Seriously.

5. One More Hour - Sleater-Kinney, Dig Me Out, 1997
Wow. Following up the Wu-Tang with S-K. Riotgrrl and hardcore rap....hmm. I could possibly remix the two...create my own Wu-Kinney or Sleater-Tang remix...hmm...

Nah. That would be too creepy.

6. Set Me Free - The Kinks, Kinda Kinks, 1965
I'm a grungy, heavy distortion guitar player. I like power chords. I like the sound of old analog effects pedals and tube amps. Can't go wrong with the Kinks after jamming for a few hours after work.

7. Between the Bars - Elliott Smith, Either/Or, 1997
Wow. This is like the third song from 1997. Tragic loss to the music world when Smith died. What is it about Popular Culture that sucks everything from a guy, and leaves him in such a sorry state that he ceases to want to live?

8. Housemate Troubles - MC Paul Barman, 12", 2000
I talked with a college student this morning who's about three unwashed dishes away from commiting sororiticide.

9. Ask the Angels - Patti Smith Group, Radio Ethiopia, 1976
Critics love Horses. And its a great album, so great it was recently rereleased. But my favorite song comes off this follow-up release.

STUPID POLITICIAN TRICKS:MP Bickering Leaves Canadians in the Cold, Condi Makes Friends, and South Africa's Rape Scandal

December's here, which means the holiday season is upon most of North America.

And, thanks to a scandal, partisan bickering, and that good ol' "Put the Party before the People" mentality that seems to be spreading north, Canadian politicians are spreading holiday cheer to all.

Merry Christmas, Canada! How about a holiday election that nobody seems to really want or need?

Like a 20-year-old block of fruitcake, Canada's elected leadership has spent more time exchanging barbs than actually accomplishing anything in the last few months.

Following in that new North American tradition of shutting down a government over a dead issue, Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin's government was given the ax by the other three major political parties in parliment after Martin was cleared in a bribery scandal involving the previous prime minister.

Canadians can still hold their heads high, however.

The U.S. still holds the record for stupidest impeachment, and Ottawa has yet to experience its first blowjob-as-issue election.

Canadian PM and Liberal Party leader Paul Martin, Conservative Party leaderStephen Harper, New Democratic Party leader Jack Layton, and Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe all earn first prize in this month's first ZenFo Pro Stupid Politican Tricks.

For a Canadian prospective of what's really behind the no-confidence election madness, check out G's in-depth analysis of holiday election.

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Not to be upstaged by our neighbor above the 49th, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice comes in in second place this week for her shoddy inpersonation of a real diplomat during her recent trip to Europe.

What's the best way to ease European anxiety about possible secret CIA prisons and covert U.S. interrogation facilities in the former Soviet Union?

Issue a paper-tiger statement defending the the act of rendition, claiming that the U.S. only sends terror suspects to nations they believe will not torture people.

Given the fact that the U.S. government is currently led by a guy who believed there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and who believes he was somehow appointed by God to promote some bizarre political agenda, I'm sure her statement instills oodles of confidence in people around the world.

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From South Africa, our third-place finisher...

African National Congress deputy president Jacob Zuma, after being sacked as one of that country's deputy executives this year, will now be arraigned on rape charges and was formally charged Tuesday morning.

Zuma is accused of sexually assaulting a 31 year-old AIDS activist and family friend. After weeks of allegations in the media, Zuma admitted to having a sexual relationship with the woman, but denies the physical relationship was rape.

Regardless, Zuma is screwed. If he is exonerated by the courts, his sexual improprieties will have ended his career. If found guilty, he will go down as being the vilest elected official in the 11-yearold democracy's history.

The sad irony here lies in the fact that South Africa is currently marking a “Sixteen Days of Activism” campaign to raise awareness of violence against women and girls. Rape is one of the most common crimes in the post-apartheid nation.

Zuma was summarily dismissed by SA president Thabo Mbeki in June, following the conviction of one of his top financial advisors for corruption.