Saturday, December 31, 2005

THE ZENFORMATION PROFESSIONAL
PIPE DREAM PREDICTIONS 2006

Since everyone and their mother seems to be obsessed with celebrities these days, I figured I'd take a stab at celebrity predictions for 2006.

Well, sort of.


* * *

PLASTIC WIZARDS WILL DOMINATE LITERATURE

LONDON (ZP) -- There will be yet another installment of the Harry Potter series, appropriately titled Harry Potter and the Corporate Whore's Quest to Greater Market More Worthless Merchandise to Children.

It will go on to be the best-selling book of the series.

The ZenFo Pro will continue to ignore Harry Potter stuff like the Plague, as he has done since this overhyped phenomenon first reared its ugly head.
* * *
CALIFORNIANS ELECT NEW CELEBRITY GOVERNOR

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (ZP) -- Arnold Schwarzenegger will lose his bid for reelection in 2006 to another famous Hollywood A-Lister. But it will not be Warren Beatty or Rob Reiner.

Instead, Californians will send the ultimate political moderate to Sacramento. Moose, the Jack Russell Terrier best known for his role as Eddie on the popular 90s sitcom Frasier, will receive 74% of the popular vote.

Californians will be swayed by a moving performance in a debate against all three movie stars in which the canine politico says absolutely nothing.
* * *
CRUISE/HOLMES SPAWN TO BECOME MUTANT SUPERHERO

MARS (ZP) -- After Tom Cruise meets with other prominent Scientologists to discuss alien souls and other Scientology stuff, the couch-hopping actor will become convinced the Earth is doomed and build a rocket to shoot his beloved child off to the far-off planet.

Cruise will develop this plan after reading a stack of Superman comics...er...scholarly illustrated journals that report on a similar mission conducted by a couple from the planet Krypton. Despite being unable to locate the city of Metropolis on a map or track down a reporter named Clark Kent via the Associated Press, Cruise will build his spaceship out of parts from the set of his latest film.

Following hours of research conducted using only a Netflix membership, Cruise and Holmes will commision Marlon Brando to place a couple of magic crystals in the spaceship with the kid before the launch.

The launch will be successful. People, Us Weekly, and other celebrity rags cover the entire event and report on Holmes' black sweats/black sneakers/cult robe ensemble. The child's ship will crash on the planet Mylar 7 in late November and the child will be adopted by Bghdzzz and Gggrdr Kent. The child will grow up to be Mylar 7's greatest diminutive superhero.
* * *
FASHION BANKRUPTED AS STARVING MODEL INDUSTRY OUTSOURCED

PARIS (ZP) -- The West's leading fashion designers all declare bankruptcy in 2006.

Tired of trying to keep up with ultraskinny, coked-up, pouting waifs, the women of the industrialized world finally get tired of the "we'll tell you what's sexy" game and start looking elsewhere for what defines beauty.

The last Metrosexual dies of Prada poisoning in early Spring, leading men - gay and straight - to celebrate by burning their overpriced man cosmetics in the streets.

By June, ultimate must-have on every "It" girl's list is to fund a public computer resource center in Africa. The hottest fashion accessory won't be windshield-sized sunglasses or Uggs; instead scenesters from Milan to New York will be wearing the latest in fairly-traded t-shirts to support women's clinics in Ghana, Pakistan, and Costa Rica.

By July, Starbucks will be out as the coffee of choice for the famous. Every celebrity will want to have their coffee organically grown by Ethiopians, Colombians, and Kenyans with the profits going directly to companies owned by Ethiopian, Colombian, and Kenyan farmers.

Vacations to St. Barts or the Riviera? That's so 2005. Even Paris Hilton will be globetrotting to help her fellow man by volunteering to bring aid to places like Darfur, Kashmir, Afghanistan, and Bosnia by August.

* * *
BLING ABANDONED TO BETTER HUMANITY

ATLANTA (ZP) -- Rappers across America, saddened by the tragic deaths of several people who choked on diamond-encrusted dental "fronts," will be forced to reexamine the overreliance on bling to sell records.

Chuck D of Public Enemy will finally reach the likes of Kanye West, 50 Cent, P. Diddy, Paul Wall, and Lil Jon and the rap community will regain its sense of humanity.

Rappers who once rapped about bitches, hos, gold diggers, and skanks will begin rapping about poverty, war, and education.

Hip-Hop artists who once used the rap game to sell everything from clothing lines to sneakers to Pimp Juice will be forced to reevaluate their reckless marketing campaigns and public personas.

Dr. Dre will take up the cause of ending hunger and illiteracy in the same city of Compton that allowed him to make millions off gangsta rap, earning himself honarary doctorates from Stanford, Harvard, and Cambridge.

Snoop Dogg will quit selling Girls Gone Wild videos and start pushing Liberians Need International Aid, Fo-Rizzle videos and merchandise.
* * *

Happy New Year, ya'll ;)



6 comments:

Leigh said...

Eddie most certainly has my vote! I can't get into those Potter books either...they just rub me the wrong way (I feel this way about The DaVinci Code as well - I can't stand when ppl tell you "you have to read this!" -very cheesy and no imagination).

Happy New Year Jason! Did ever make it back out to Cali for the holidays? Forgive me, I've been out of the loop for a little bit.

snoopdon said...

Considering where I teach and how I see the impact of bling daily, I especially like the "Bling" prediction.

Anonymous said...

You're a librarian and don't like Harry Potter?!? That's a first...

G said...

*AHEM*

It's a second. I hated that little bastard from Day 1 ...

Seriously, though, you forgot one celeb prediction, J.

Michael Jackson will join the ever-growing list of celebs to release a sex video ... and to prevent this one from backfiring more loudly than my uncle's Chevelle, his legal team will argue the legitamacy of his love for the other, younger, party in the video. That or Jacko's pure motive in teaching kids sex ed. One or the other.

In other Jacko New Year predictions, an adoption of a little Russian baby may be on the horizon ... yikes.

Peace dude,
G

The ZenFo Pro said...

Leigh:
No problem....been out of the loop a bit myself....I did indeed get back to Cali for the holidays. I had a rather...interesting...time down in SLO. How many other places in the world can you hear people who live in million dollar homes find new euphemisms for "poor people are unwelcome here" ;)

Happy holidays right back at ya, chica!

SnoopDon:
The bling culture is one of the biggest illusions created by this new Guilded Age of Hip-Hop we're living in these days. I've always found it a reckless exploitation of poor people. Working in education myself, I feel your pain.

Anon:
I know I'm not the only one. I tried reading one of the HP books and found it damn boring. Then the mass marketing began and I was totally turned off. I've heard a lot of librarians jump on the bandwagon, promoting the rather droll works as a gateway to other literature. Haven't seen much evidence supporting that myself. I have seen kids dressed in hundreds of dollars worth of plastic tie-in products walk out of a library without checking out a single book.

G:
LOL...thanks for the second there, dude.

Jacko sex vid? Man, I just ate breakfast ;)

As long as R. Kelly's not involved....

:)

Peace, holmes.

Smurf said...

You are such an interesting Cookie! I have missed you Jason! I hope things are well with you. I would love to talk to you!!!