Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Total Strangers, Boob Jobs, Orgasms, and a Golden Retriever

PHOENIX, Ariz. (ZP) -- The international airport in Phoenix is one of my favorite places to have a flight delayed or a long layover.

Maybe its the B-Movie feel one gets from being stuck in a place called Sky Harbor in the middle of a desert for a few hours. A lot of the airports in the U.S. begin to look and feel the same after a while. But Sky Harbor always seems to have something interesting to offer, at least in terms of surrealistic entertainment.

During a two-hour stop Sunday, I sat and watched a Sikh discussing God with a pair of Mormon Missionaries in front of a coffee bar. A baby-faced kid in an Air Force uniform was rehearsing what sounded like a marriage proposal into a men's room mirror, oblivious to the fact that the john was packed with travelers.

And then there was the woman who provided me with a new understanding of the phrase "heavy petting."

No, this will not turn into a "Mile High Club" story. I promise.

As soon as I got off the flight from Denver, I headed for one of the airport's smoker-friendly bars and started up a conversation with this sales rep. Her boyfriend was scheduled to fly in on a later flight, so she planned on drinking Scotch and smoking her way through a pack of Virginia Slims to kill time.

The more we drank, the more risque the conversation grew - this woman was out-drinking me 2-to-1, each of my beers to her two Dewars. (I think I started it with an off-color comment about the fact that some guys actually believe Clitoris is a small farming community in Kansas.)

The conversation turned to flings, regrets about flings, and the stupid things people do whilst young, dumb, and horny. We even talked about breast augmentation - she proudly pointed out that she had her breasts enlarged in 1996 and had received no complaints over the years. I'm pretty sure, however, that Ray Charles could tell she'd been "augmented" at 20 paces.

(HINT - Women with implants tend to move their arms, shoulders, and neck differently - unnaturally - than women operating with their original "hardware.")

Guess she had a line she wanted to cross. She proceeded to tell me, out of the blue, about how she'd achieved her first orgasm at age 22.

Not during sex, foreplay, or self-gratification. Nope. Nothing that simple.

First time came while watching an ex-boyfriend's golden retriever hump another dog.

Hum. Betcha didn't see that one coming, huh?

In her defense, she said it was a small one and had nothing to do, apparently, with any beastial urges or sexual attraction for the canine.

She, at least, thought it was funny and snickered while relaying the story. I have no clue why she brought it up in the first place. She even apologized for blurting it out.

Sure, there was a bit of Scotch involved. That probably played at least a minor role.

But I'm pretty sure that that bit of information did aboslutely nothing to better my existance. As a matter of fact, I don't think I wanted to know that about a total stranger.

I have no reason to doubt her pooch story - she's a stranger and, well, its just too damned bizarre. I don't think anybody would admit that kind of experience as a way of impressing anybody.

She did, however, make a quick exit shortly after revealing that tidbit about her sexual history.

I've had female friends admit similar, not-quite-so-strange "firsts" involving Harleys, power tools, washing machines, pillows, nightclub soundsystems, strange dreams, and off-kilter fantasies. I know there are researchers working dilligently to discover what makes the human sexual beast tick; I'm also sure that the origins of sexuality will certainly always remain partly shrouded in mystery.

But why would someone admit something like the dog-gasm thing to a complete stranger in an airport bar? Is there some motivation behind it or just a slip of the tongue?

Everybody crosses that "way-too-much-information" point in at least one conversation in their lives...why is that?


Maybe its the B-Movie feel one gets from being stuck in a place called Sky Harbor in the middle of a desert for a few hours.

Yeah, I'll go with that theory.


Oregon Librarian said...

This is hands down the most interesting library blog I've ever read. I've had similar experiences in LAX - not with canine-inspired orgasms mind you, but with people admitting strange sexual histories. Is there something to that in our profession?

Anonymous said...

I think it's because the red rocks of Papago Park (which you can see from Sky Harbor) look like piles of red dog poo.

rochelle said...

Last week, I came across this article about women getting aroused by watching monkey sex. Monkeys, dogs....whatever. But, I'm not gonna talk about it here. You'll have to catch me at conference or something.

zydeco fish said...

All I can say is fascinating. Really. Too bad she hadn't seen the dogs humping when she was younger.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Oregon Librarian:
You know, I've often wondered if there is indeed something about librarians that conveys a sense of trust. If I was in the office and a female patron requested, say, information about orgasms and dog sex, and admitted something similar, then that would fall under patron privacy. I always let patrons know that ethically I can't share their information queries with others if I think they're trying to get controversial information...sometimes, that just helps ease any anxiety during a reference interview. (I do so few and often am working under the gun on another project when I do.)

As for people admitting strange sexual histories, I think the Scotch probably had quite a bit to do with it.

You know, the view from some of Sky Harbor's windows is pretty spectacular sometimes. Awesome place during the day.

Now that is bizarre. Talk about an animal-lover's christmas ;) I would ask how you happened to come across that article, but, yeah, that sounds like a conference-and-lots-of-booze question...

You know, I hadn't thought about asking why it happened at 22. I got the feeling from our conversation that she had been sexually active prior to the experience, just never achieved the Big O. If I remember correctly, there wasn't even anything sexual going on when it happened - watching TV or something.

Anonymous said...

Um...I don't think its that easy to spot brest implants. I have them and nobody has noticed that their not my real boobs :)

rochelle said...

I found that article during my legitimate blogreading on one of my favorite non-library blogs, Mindhacks. Really! Honest! No google searches of "hot monkey sex" were involved.
If you're buying, by the way, I'd prefer tequila, neat, or Jagermeister, chilled.

Girl on the Blog said...

I can honestly say... never been turned on by an animal before... not unless you count that guy I dated back 6 years ago that was a gorilla (god... the hair... ick)... the hairist man I have ever seen... needless to say the turn on was turned off once I saw his real body without his clothes... LOL!!!

Very weird indeed... I think the weirdest thing I have ever said to a perfect male stranger (while drunk)... "Do you like Dick?" Meaning do you like Dick Cheney (he had flast up on the TV screen in the bar) the poor guy didn't see the TV... and left shortly after my blurtation...

Anonymous said...

Well, it turned out better than the title suggested ... won't go there. ;-)

Probably it's the same B-movie feel one gets in the middle of a prairie town consisting of a gas station and a hotel ... ahh memories ...

Anonymous said...

Yep, you can get quite a nice view of Papago Park & Camelback Mtn. to the north, South Mtn. to the south. Phoenix is a nice place to visit -- 6 months out of the year.

Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

I don't know but there must be something about you that makes people talk. I find that kind of stuff perfectly annoying if not from someone I know.

I can't imiagine beibg turned on by dog sex or animal sex of any kind...nevermine having an orgasm due to such.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Wow...I'm getting behind here ;)

Oh, I don't know...probably more people know you've gotten a boob job than you think. Implants, no matter what the surgeon promises, are always detectable by somebody. And if you're, say, laying on your back next to someone with breasts au naturale, it's pretty easy to tell.

There's legitimate blogreading? ;)I've been drinking a lot of Don Julio lately, so tequila is fine with me. :)

Ah yes...I have several very hairy male friends, but no gorillas :)For some reason, strangers end up confessing the most random things to me while intoxicated. I've done the same thing myself.

Wha? Better than the title suggested? LOL...just looked at the title again...

Disclaimer: no orgasms with total strangers were harmed in the posting of this piece.

Hey, hope the job hunt is going well, G. Yup...same king of feeling.

Yeah, Pheonix is not necessarily enjoyable when its 115 and your steering wheel can cause 3rd degreee burns ;)

I think folks can sense my almost priest-like listening abilities...or maybe people are just more comfortable around me than I am around them. As for orgasms and critters, I guess its just a matter of different folks, different strokes.