Showing posts with label Higher Education. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Higher Education. Show all posts

Friday, November 02, 2007

THE NOOSE NEVER CAME BEFORE THE LYNCH MOB:
Confronting Historic Symbols of Hatred and Injustice Shouldn't Start with Censorship

"Free speech is not to be regulated like diseased cattle and impure butter."

- William O. "Wild Bill" Douglas,
U.S. Supreme Court Justice & American Badass,

Record-holder for Most Impeachment Attempts

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- I remember sitting in Dr. M's office, back in 2001, arguing over a grade I'd received on a quiz in his dreaded media law class. More appropriately, I remember sitting in Dr. M's office, losing an argument over a grade.

At one of toughest universities in North America, M. was, by far, the hardest instructor in the College of Liberal Arts. And the old bastard had friggin' failed me - I supposedly earned that whopping 30 percent, having aced the multiple-choice section.

He'd given me zero points on short essay questions that, I felt, were passionate defenses of the evils of government suppression of free expression. But his blood-red comments were sharper than razorblades, slashed right through my reasoning with simple NO!s in the margins of my blue book, the words SEE ME scribbled on the last page like an epitaph.

In his office that day, I argued and raged and vented; Dr. M. simply nodded and listened. When I finished my diatribe about democracy and hate speech and what should and shouldn't be protected under the First Amendment, the old prof leaned forward and put a bony Minnesota finger in my face.

He'd given me zero points on my short essays, he explained, because I rode the fence in my arguments against censorship, picked out which parts of cases like Brandenburg v. Ohio, R.A.V. v. The City of St. Paul, and Yates v. United States that I personally agreed with and disregarded what I found objectionable. He accused me of censoring the course materials to fit my worldview.

To understand the fluidity of things like the First Amendment and its freedoms, I'd have to learn to stand up and walk on that fence. If I wanted to pass his class, too, I'd have to be willing to see beyond what I wanted to see, to give up on the herd mentality that allows most folks to simply draw from two pastures when an answer is needed for comfort.

To embrace the wholeness of the Rule of Law, the organic, fluid body of jurisprudence that encompasses certain unalienable human rights, one must learn to walk atop barbed wire to bear witness to a holistic justice, free of personal bias or politics of the moment, with those beliefs serving as not a legal compass but as insight into the motives behind things like censorship.

M. took the crumpled Blue Book from my fist, tacked an extra 15 percentage points onto that grade. Even if I'd made the mistake of riding a fence that should've been beneath my feet, the just teacher heard out his lost student's reasoning before he passed final judgment.

A whopping 45 percent. The hardest failing grade I ever truly earned.

From that point on, I've tried to avoid riding the fence. Sitting on a post and waiting for mob-rule opinion to determine freedom's boundaries, I've learned, only opens the gates toward dictatorship and oppression.

To walk the fence in a democratic society, one where the free flow of ideas and art and writing is cherished, is to stand above the mob rules of political and popular correctness, to be willing to scream Freedom! without ever looking down into the fields for support.

Cowards and madmen can keep the fence posts warm, have their legs tugged at by those seeking an ally in their moral and political arguments.

I can't blame them. Walking the straight and narrow is always hardest to do when one has only a love for intellectual freedom to preserve one's sense of balance.

* * * *

A strange midnight email swept across the Local U.'s fiber-optic freeways, a hastily-written, chilling dispatch to virtually all of Oxford Fucking Ohio. With diplomacy as subtle as a hatchet to the face, the email let the Online World know about the supposed hate speech that had defiled the hallowed grounds of the Public Ivy:

"...I strongly condemn this display and deplore that in this campus community any person would believe this display is in any way acceptable. We must redouble our efforts as a community to educate every student here on the historic patterns of racism in this society..."

A group of students had - gasp! - hung nooses from the branches of a tree! And students and the public watched helplessly as the cads dangled historic symbols of hatred and injustice before their innocent eyes. The fiends even dared to plead ignorance to this fact, and - Thank Goodness! - the local police confronted them and removed the vile, hideous hangman's tools before the poor, defenseless children and something called the African-American community saw it!

"Oh Thank God! That kind of shit needs to be- "

I caught myself, mid-sentence, as I read from the comfy confines of my bed Wednesday morning. I almost choked to death on my bowl of Biblically-inspired organic cereal, the taste of guilt like blood on my tongue.

"- needs to be censored by a state-funded, public university?

"Waitagoddamnminute... even the Ku Klux Klan has the right to express itself... religious groups, campus activists, the staff union, even the pro-anorexia advocates... "


I lost my appetite. I felt sick to my stomach.

"'...Redouble our efforts to educate the students?' What the fuck does that mean?
"

And when did a display has to be "acceptable" to a campus community to be considered acceptable under the First Amendment? Regardless of intent, or public perception, was this, possibly protected speech? Could a marketplace of ideas sell off civil liberties like dime store junk?

Happy Halloween, folks.

One American university decided to go trick-or-treating this year, all dressed up as a Police State. And it went about toilet-papering mailboxes at midnight, wiping everyone's ass with the Bill of Rights in the name of a justice not seen in Ohio since Kent State.

* * * *

And those no-good, evil proponents of hate who'd dared to hang a noose in the era of Jena Six hype, where we're taught scream racism! at the sight of a rope?

Art students. Aspiring artists who sought nothing more than the satisfactory completion of a course requirement. The group was preparing a faculty-approved public exhibit as part of a class assignment.

The students tried to explain themselves and did remove their work the moment they realized that the project offended their peers - or, at least, the mob that confronted them.

They had a cool idea, to turn a reviled symbol into art, something beautiful and thoughtful.

But, by the time that information was made publicly available, their own university had already portrayed them as ignorant savages bent on creating racial unrest in a press release. The same mob bastardization of justice that, historically, has led to actual lynchings in this country sentenced them before the facts were presented.

Yes, there was indeed a hate crime committed in Oxford this week. The teachers took a few nooses and executed the creative rights of their students, without so much as a show trial, sentenced to censorship before any formal investigation or disciplinary hearing.

* * * *

The theme of the installation, I've learned, concerned the imagery of life and death - the final product was to include a tire swing, symbolic of the innocence of carefree youth, and the slipknots were to represent their ancient purpose - death.

The theme, along with the choice of media, is eerily reminiscent of an early installation by one of this country's hottest young artists, Los Angeles-based Kori Newkirk. But at the Local U., well, maybe a critically-acclaimed black artist wouldn't have to ask for permission before recreating his startling Swings in the Family Tree as part of his homework.

Maybe, in a climate of fear, in a land where black rap artists are called before Congress for offending the mythological, unified African-American Community, where John Denver and Twisted Sister once saved rock and roll from Tipper Gore, civil liberties are to be limited based on the color of one's skin, or by sexual orientation, or even age?

Maybe a straight woman can't create a sculpture that includes a police baton in tribute to the Stonewall Rebellion? Maybe a cowboy can't write poems based on Lakota and Apache war songs? Or maybe a German architect can't design a Holocaust museum?

Maybe we should ban nonblack hip-hop artists, or white blues musicians?

And maybe playing Billie Holiday in my office offends this campus community with strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees? Good God! I didn't fill out the paperwork first, ask for formal permission! And- gasp! - an Afro-Irish woman is singing noose lyrics written by a Jewish Communist schoolteacher! Somebody haul me down for sensitivity training!

Let us, then, ban other historic symbols of death and the artist themes they inspire. And the symbols of youthful innocence, too, for that matter.

Crosses? Have to go. Some people don't find reminders of Christ's execution acceptable in this campus community. Besides, someone might think, for instance, that a white man propping up a crucifix intends to set it ablaze - can't have that, can we?

Or how about trains? We've had two students die tragically this year along the tracks...

Or shall we ban the NROTC from marching with rifles because the majority of faculty find the Iraq situation reprehensible?

Oh hell...

Who needs free expression anyway?

We have diversity committees to tell us what to believe, curriculum committees to tell us what to teach, and government officials to tell us what is acceptable to all and deplorable to none - if we disagree, well, they'll just redouble their efforts to educate us...

* * * *

How I would've loved the chance to see probably one of the most thought - provoking art displays in this community's history. How I'd have loved the chance to watch undergraduates debate its meaning, to hear some faculty call it an affront to decency and to hear others call it genius.

How exciting it could've been. We could've used the opportunity to invite back one of the big alumnae, Rita Dove. Maybe the poet would've trashed the students' work. She may have found it inspiring, too, the innocent bravery of a few kids who turned a weapon into a statement about life. Or maybe ol' P.J. could've wrote about it, been lured back to teach a course on controversial literature?

Those opportunities are gone now. The display removed and the artists humiliated, the electronic strong-arm tactic will more than likely chill unpopular expression in this town to the artistic equivalent of absolute zero.

Why string up the artists for their deplorable rope sculpture? In the name of tolerance and diversity, it's just as easy to break spirits as it is to break necks.

After all, a noose has never been as terrifying as the lynch mobs behind them.

* * * *

Thursday afternoon, I witnessed one of the most miraculous signs that, yes, even a noose in a tree can bring about just the sort of dialogue a campus community needs.

And not the kind the writers of the official Local U. emails urged with iron fist, either.

With every fence built upon censorship, there are always wild ones in the midst of the herd, looking for new ways to cut through the wires that were put up to protect them. And college students, through some glorious academic instinct, naturally despise attempts to double up their education - especially when that education comes at a price, well, that the tuition checks don't cover.

A black woman and a white woman were standing outside of my library as I stepped out for a quick cigarette. Both students, as per the norm on a soon-to-be Smoke Free Campus, had been waiting for a fellow smoker to exit.

"Girl, please. Somebody needs to raise the roof on this."

"I dunno. I mean, I think it was wrong and all, but-"


One undergraduate was defending policy, was riding on that fence, playing the politically-correct game that often feeds herds in pastures green with mob-rule grasses.

And the other?

Please.

Do you think an educated black woman needs an email in the middle of the night to tell her the difference between hate speech and an art project? When was the last time a hate group walked up to a tree, in broad daylight, and hung up a tire swing in protest?

Or wouldn't get annoyed with the fact that in nearly every class, some well-intentioned Caucasian had asked her about how she was doing, as if those art students she walked past Tuesday had actually tried to lynch her? Or wouldn't get annoyed by the fact everybody started screaming about a tree in Jena, Louisiana, before anybody asked the group why they were hanging nooses here?

"So because I'm black, I need a white man to tell me about how offended I am? I can't think for myself?"

You see, in Oxford Fucking Ohio, there are very real hate crimes that happen every day during the school year, ones that don't get histrionic emails sent off late into the night.

Ask the young Chinese-American student who's asked to tutor somebody in math, because, well, All Asians are good at that. Ask the gay undergrad who's been terrified to go on a date with another gay undergrad, because some drunk idiot may start yelling Fuck you, faggot! from a car window. And ask the black students, yes, which offense is greater - artists hanging a noose as part of an exhibit, or the stares young black men get in this town for wearing urban clothing in certain nightclubs?

The Local U. wanted dialogue on the meaning of discrimination.

Well, now, they've got one.

* * * *

I told both women about Dr. M, about the love for the First Amendment he instilled in me when I was an undergrad, about his call to give up riding other people's fences and to walk the path of the straight and narrow back towards the Rule of Law.

I heard Dr. M.'s voice in the back of my own sometimes self-righteous, fence-straddling mind, drowning out the voices on the sides of the fence:

"Let the Law prevail. Put your faith in the ability of the People, and freedom will win, Jason."

Both women agreed that that old bastard Media Law prof sounded like one hell of an educator.

And yes, he was.

* * * *

Loving free speech is harder than it looks.

Learning to walk the fence involves learning how to get a look at the big picture, what's really at stake, learning to weigh divine individual rights against the bloodlust of a lynch mob. It's only after looking at the whole spread that one can understand the value of a ranch, free of pastures and fences, bound only by the expanse of the law.

Censorship, sometimes, is indeed justified - some fences are needed to protect things like national security, trade secrets, confidential information, and rights to privacy. Mostly, however, censors pull miles of wire blindly, carve up the fields of nurturing thought for the sake of the few who'd rather just hide in Freedom's barn anyway.

Sure, maybe I'm just insensitive, just ig'nant of historic symbols of hate and injustice and of the need to redouble our efforts to tell students how to express themselves like good little automatons, in need of sensitivity training because I just love what that deplorable, courageous art.

But if a group of art students can't include nooses in an art installation, then librarians sure as hell shouldn't have the right to write about it.

So go ahead a lynch me, too.

Climb up here, up on this fence, and try it.

* * * *
“The most important aspect of freedom of speech is freedom to learn. All education is a continuous dialogue - questions and answers that pursue every problem on the horizon. That is the essence of academic freedom.”

- Wild Bill Douglas
- # # # -

* For the aspiring writers, poets, essayists, painters, sculptors, and screenwriters; for the future political leaders, captains of industry, musicians, doctors, and other innovators at the Local U. And for David Banner, fellow Baton Rouge ex-pat and lover of the First Amendment, for telling the self-appointed leaders of "The African-American Community" to shut the fuck up about censoring art in the name of "decency," for challenging those Happy White Liberals on Capitol Hill who think Democratic suppression is better than Republican suppression, and for, yeah, doing more for Katrina victims than Public Ivy universities.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE:
Welcome to the Higher Education Underground, Kids.
It Cares Less about High School Cheerleading Stories Than I Do.

BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIAL!

FAR BEHIND (LIVE) [VIDEO]
Social Distortion
Greatest Hits
(Time Bomb, 2007)
@ The 2007 KROQ Weenie Roast,
A Southern California Tradition

Mike Ness is the only punk legend I've ever met who's left me completely speechless. Seriously. Like a giddy schoolgirl. Very embarrassing.

But I quite literally lived off of the
Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell and Prison Bound albums when I was a dumb teenager myself. Who can blame me?


OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- The 18-year-old woman tried her best to stare me down, to win the contest of wills, to use every bit of the so-called sophistication she'd learned as, like, an All - Whatever cheer squad captain at Whogivesafuck Memorial High School.

With one hand wrapped around her bottle of cheap beer and the other hand on her hip, the teenager tried to convince me that I had no right to break up her group's impromptu parking lot beerfest, that it was none of my business, really, and that I needed to just chill out.

Her guy friends knew better. The older, supposedly more mature guys who'd been trying to get a group of four first-year female students intoxicated enough to just chill out bailed. They drove off the moment they saw me step out of the back door of my library, as soon as they heard my cowboy boots clacking against the pavement towards them.

Their taillights were just out of sight as I reached the remaining female members of the party. One girl tossed her beer bottle, sending glass everywhere, and two dropped them to their side, as if I were both stupid and blind.

All first-year students. Classes haven't even started yet, and already they're facing alcohol violations. One phone call, and they're telling their story to some seriously overworked, underpaid cops.

Seriously, I'm starting to think 18-year-olds are getting dumber with each passing generation. To be fair, I'm not talking about all 18-year-olds. I'm talking about some 18-year-olds. But those somes seem to be overtaking the rest.

Still, I'm starting to think wealthy, white and suburban really should be considered a form of cultural retardation.

* * * *

It's 11 o'clock at night, a Friday. I just happened to swing by, to check on the overnight repair of an HVAC unit. I'd gone into my office, the last man standing in a four-story library, waited for an update from the powers that be on the Graveyard Shift (the repair had to be rescheduled, according to the technician, because of overtime restrictions).

I really just wanted to go out myself, have a few drinks with some friends, to have a good time before Uptown Oxford once again reverts into Club Booze-N-Fuck. And, well, it felt so wrong not to give out my only second chance of the year, for doing something fucking batshit outside of my library.

I gave the young women a lecture on responsibility and on how utterly stupid it is for young women, in this town, to sneak off to a dark corner of a parking lot with older guys they'd just met, older guys offering up lots of free beer. I also promised them that I wouldn't call the cops if they agreed to sweep up the broken glass.

If the cops came by while they were cleaning, I'd explain that, yeah, they knew they were being stupid, and, yeah, these three young women in designer clothes were pushing brooms to make up for it.

Three of the women, the ones who'd tried to dispose of their illegal brewskis before I arrived, agreed to the deal instantly. Two of the women were on scholarships, and the other's parents were still in town.

But this one woman wasn't going anywhere, wouldn't budge. The Cheerleader.

The whole time I was talking, she held onto that beer for dear life, rolled her eyes, and smoked Parliament Ultra Lights. After I'd pitched what almost everyone seemed to think was a rather square deal, after her newfound dorm friends had agreed to manual labor in exchange for First-Year Freedom, the woman went ballistic.

Well, rah-rah. And all of that shit.

Obviously, I had no authority to make such a deal, she claimed. I was a stupid library employee who just wanted to ruin their last weekend of freedom before they became bona fide Local U. students.

And, she reminded me, her parents paid good money for her to go to school, paid my salary with their taxes, and she could get me fired if she wanted...

"Fired? I don't think you really understand how this whole "gettin' caught for underage drinking" thing works, chica."

* * * *

I ended the war of wills with one very manipulative, downright sinister outflanking maneuver.

"Either you all clean, or the deal's off, ladies. I'm trying to be reasonable. I hate to be a bitch, but I think you all had better chat before I lose my patience."

I walked back towards my library's loading dock, lit a cigarette, and pulled out my cell phone. I opened it up, dialed, put the Speakerphone volume up as loud as it could go, hit the Send button.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Ms. Pom-Pom yelled for me to hang up. She emptied her bottle and tossed it softly into the grass nearby.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

The woman kept yelling. All four women started picking up the broken glass.

Click.

* * * *

"Hi sexy! Where ya at?"

"Oxford. Got stuck at the office."


"Bullshit. I figured you weren't coming down to Newport. Is she hot?"


"Um, no. Hey. Did you ever drink in the _____ Lot when you were a student here? I just ran into - "


"Who the fuck would be stupid enough to drink in that parking lot? God, that's like asking to get raped."

I finished the call, looked over at the young women. They'd all stopped to listen. The voice on the other end, of course, wasn't the local police dispatcher. And a female friend, a Local U. alum, delivered the goods without even knowing she was doing it.

In information science, this may best be described as the strategic deployment of outside, indirect disinformation into an information ecosystem. Or, to put it another way, I'm smarter than a first-year college student.

The deck was stacked from the moment I made the offer. One choice, however, offered the opportunity for all players to walk away from the table, unharmed.

I just made sure the choice I preferred was the only one left for anyone to logically choose.

* * * *

I went to my truck, pulled a broom and dustpan from the bed, and gave it to one of the women.

I don't think I've ever seen that parking lot so glass-free before. They picked it clean. And no cops rolled by, so there was no need to have to defend my less-the-traditional response to the problem of underage binge drinking.

Not one of them complained after that.

I guess cleaning up a little bit of broken glass may be humbling, but it can, hopefully, be a good introduction into the world of the Higher Education Underground.

* * * *

I'm hoping the women figured out that, given the noise from the frat parties across the street, the fact that no cruisers rolled by the lot for an hour, and the dark, hidden corner their older guy friends had chosen, any one of them could've ended up, possibly, a victim of sexual assault.

Oxford Fucking Ohio doesn't need anymore sexual assault victims. It doesn't need older undergraduate guys, legally able to purchase alcohol, buying 18-year-old women booze in some dark corner in an attempt to get laid, by either force or drunken coercion. We don't need any more pointless stupidity, or women who binge-drink to the point that they piss themselves, or young men who place their cocks before their honor.

Maybe those guys were just trying to find a nice, quiet place to talk and have a few beers, with some very nice young women, where no one could distract them. And maybe it was unfair, downright cruel, of me to make a group of women clean up broken beer bottles.

And maybe I'm really Coco the Waltzing Chimpanzee, too.

Trust me. I've worked around college students long enough to realize that, well, if a dude takes off running at the sight of someone who even resembles an authority figure, it usually means something more than that. Guy friends don't drive off and leave four women, four women new to a strange, unsafe area, alone in a parking lot.

* * * *

So, welcome back, Local U. folks. Welcome back, and be fucking safe for me, will ya? I know you're gonna drink, get blasted every once and a while, even hook up with people I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. You're gonna make stupid choices, fall asleep in classes, maybe even flunk out or fall in love.

But, well, be safe. And be good to one another.

Surviving
the undergraduate experience means just that.

And, well, drink your drugs, don't do milk, and...

Wait.

That doesn't sound right, does it?


- # # # -

Friday, February 23, 2007

HEY, UM, DIDN'T JOANIE LOVE CHACHES?:
Notes From Conversations About Jack and Shit, Chin-Up Bars, and Sexual Cockroaches

CHACH (alt. sp. CHATCH) - n. A younger American male who overly relies on shallow and often superficial things to compensate for intellectual deficiencies, sexual inadequacies, basic dignity, socially acceptable etiquette, and/or understanding of human interpersonal relationships.

For better, more creative definitions, check out the various entries at Urban Dictionary or this stellar commentary from an Ohio campus newspaper, The Independent Collegian.

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- I'm not a college student anymore. I haven't been one for many years. And I never attended the Local U., never experienced many of the things students here experience as part of their development from children into men and women.

I moved to Oxford Fucking Ohio not from my parents' house or some boarding school but from a tiny little apartment in Baton Rouge, one with a stellar view of both Tiger Stadium and the State Capitol Building.

I left behind the last of my college years back in the Pelican State. The days of tailgating, of running over to Ichabods for shots after - and often immediately before - Thursday evening classes. I experienced the crawfish boils, the pink flamingos of the Spanish Town Mardi Gras.

I left behind those downtown trips to Tabby's Blues Box (No. 2) and Red Star to drink cheap beer and party 'til Last Call, the ones made while everyone else was cramming for their comprehensive exams, pretending like those silly reference and cataloging classes were actually challenging.

And there was this one very hot waitress from Lake Charles at that sports bar across the street from my apartment, the one with the shirts cut so low you could see her...

Er....yeah.

And that was graduate school. There are days I'm grateful that I didn't start blogging in college.

Needless to say, I have really no idea about what it feels like to be a student here in Oxford, beyond what I've witnessed or what I've been told.

Hell, I just work here, folks. No ties whatsoever, other than the ol' job. I'm a transcontinental foreigner, a single guy who, through some quirk of fate, ended up accepting a position in this little town.

It's not a bad little town, really. Never once worried about getting mugged, never once have I worried about rush hour traffic, and I really enjoy the nice, peaceful summers.

But I've never given a shit about Green Beer Day, a once-a-year annoyance that leaves my facility's plumbing fixtures clogged with vomit and beer shits. I've never celebrated Ghetto Fest, never experienced one of the famed Toasted Rolls in a dining hall, never had to suffer through perhaps one of the most tedious general education schemes known to Man.

I've never even thrown up in The Alley, never worn a Muck Farshall tee to the football stadium, and I've yet to log a single hour passed out on the couches in the ZenFo Pro Library - all seen as benchmarks of the Local U. Experience. I've never cried over rotting water towers or whined to city council about outdoor drinking game bans, either.

Without having been a student here, well, there are several local phenomena for which I have no frame of reference. There are concepts that I can't seem to grasp, no matter how hard I try.

Sadly, the chach concept isn't one of them.

* * * *

The first time I heard the term chach, "Britney" and I were sitting in my new apartment, back in late November (when I began writing this damned post), chatting away about her experiences transitioning from undergraduate to alumna.

She'd come back to visit Oxford for the same reason many recent alumni return to visit their alma maters post-graduation. While out in the working world, adjusting to a 40-hour work schedule, the decreased socialization, an the inability to sleep past the asscrack of dawn, she'd grown a bit nostalgic. Sadly, coming back reminded her of why she'd said she never wanted to return in the first place. Too much drama, bad memories overwhelming the nostalgia.

Over dinner, she even told me that seeing all of the drunk students staggering down High Street, from bar to bar, made her new boring life - up at 5 to go spinning at her gym, in the office by 8, and hanging out at a Barnes & Noble drinking coffee and reading away her evenings - seem like a vacation from the reality she'd once known as a student.

One of her former roommates called while we were sitting at the kitchen table. I laughed as "Britney" made faces and obligatory obscene hand job gestures while she talked, occasionally kicking my leg to remind me that she'd much rather be talking to me.

The two didn't really like each other; they kept in contact, it seemed, primarily out of a sense of obligation. I guess they missed arguing over unpaid utilities and, er, certain former flings who'd once, er, accidentally removed a showerhead with a pair of handcuffs.

Long story.

Yeah, I don't think I'm going out tonight. I'm over at J's apartment right now. No, we're just talking. No, I've got a hotel room....I don't think that's any of your business really anyway. Later babe!

"Britney" hung up her cell and flung it down onto the table.

Can you believe her? She wanted me to come down to Brick Street because she's not sure if she should hook up with some guy. Un-FUCKING-believable. She's 23 and hitting on fucking chaches and thinks YOU were a bad influence on ME!

Having never heard the term Chach before, I asked "Britney" what the term meant. I thought she was talking about Scott Baio's character from Happy Days.

It's one thing when someone laughs with you. It's another thing completely when a former "fruitcake sex" partner laughs at you for being so ignorant of local slang, points and giggles at you like you're the dumbest guy on the planet.

And she absolutely refused to define the term beyond never mind...this is too fucking funny.

"Britney" explained, through the snorts and tears, that, well, the idea of the oh-so-smartypants librarian not knowing the meaning of Chach was one of the funniest things she'd ever seen or heard - especially since I'd been suckered by something called chachbait quite a few times since she'd last seen me (see this post for one example).

Very humbling experience.

We ended up hanging out in my apartment all night, drinking my last very good bottle of Tobin James, a 2004 Estate Private Stash (a $50 bottle of reserve-bottled Bordeaux. I'm not a wine drinker, but, well, I know how to buy the stuff. Great flavor on this one.) and watching Justice League Unlimited on my laptop.

At one point, she excused herself to use my john. Five minutes later, I heard more hysterical laughter from my bathroom. Apparently, the chin-up bar I'd recently installed in the bathroom door frame was chachish - "Britney" even asked if I secretly pop the collars on my polo shirts and flex in the mirror when nobody was looking, a closet chach.

At one point in the evening, she popped her own shirt collar, put on my Stetson, and did her damnedest to convince me that her impression of the Chachformation Professional was as funny as she thought it was.

I walked her back to her hotel at well past three in the morning, unable to pick a meaningful definition of Chach from her oh-so-smartass brain.

As I walked back to my apartment, the only thing I could think of was Charles in Charge, Fonzie jumping the Shark, and Joanie Friggin' Cunningham.

* * * *

I tried researching the origins of this particular, uniquely Midwestern term in a more scholarly fashion. I tried finding an answer in various slang and contemporary language dictionaries during my lunch breaks.

I finally called a language expert, a buddy of mine, who responded by laughing hysterically, questioning my sanity, and suggesting that I ask the locals - something that, well, someone studying regional dialects and its unique identifiers would do.

She did, however, put me on hold while she asked her teaching assistant - an apparently charming 26-year-old who my friend has suggested, in less-than-scholarly IMs, represents the kind of woman I should be dating, should I continue my professional career here in Oxford Fucking Ohio.

The language expert's probably right. I really do prefer educated women who listen to the Clash and the Dropkick Murphys, have a particular fondness for industrial techno but no longer enjoy going to clubs, enjoy hiking and target shooting, and who sport nose rings.

But I digress...

The TA, a Hoosier State native who attended an Ohio university as an undergrad, thought it was, well, fucking hysterical that that blog guy was calling from across the country to learn about Chaches.

After some delay, the faculty finally put her protege on the phone.

According to the Indianan, roughly 60-70 percent of Ohio male college students fall into the chach category - at least the ones she knew when she was an undergrad at her Ohio university.

Here in Oxford Fucking Ohio, at the Local U., she estimated that as many as 90 percent of the male students fit the bill, based on her experiences partying with and dating several Local U. students.

...Basically, chaches are guys women go home with in college because they're cute, frigging adorable, on the outside... Women wake up and literally feel like their IQs have dropped because they've just hooked up with a Metro version of a Neanderthal... Chaches are like the sexual cockroaches of college, they're everywhere and don't ever seem to go away.

Wait...

So I have metrosexual sexual cockroach caveman tendencies?

I explained to the TA how, exactly, I'd become obsessed with the Chach. That only led to more laughter.

Dude, if you have a chin-up bar in your bathroom...yeah, that's kinda chachish. But you don't seem like a Stadium Toad, at least online.

Wait...

Stadium Toad?

* * * *

I finally admitted that I needed, well, a Local U. perspective, a perspective that I could trust to cure my obsession.

So one night, while bar-hopping at way past my normal bedtime, I asked a few male friends - none of whom seemed to be the type to have chin-up bars installed in their bathrooms - for a better explanation.

One guy, a larger guy who I'll call Mr. Molson, laughed as we stood out on the balcony of this one particular bar. Mr. Molson, I knew, used the term frequently.

I'm pretty sure you're not a chach, Mr. Molson said, pointing towards a group of younger bar patrons.

Now that, my friend, is a chachfest.


A group of guys, all dressed in matching neon polos and overpriced jeans, staggered out of the bar, drunk girls in tow. Their hair hardly moved, gelled like mine but...not. Their faces seemed almost waxed, nary an ingrown hair in sight, eyebrows plucked and perfect. The whole group reeked of expensive cologne and Natty Light. The air was filled with the sounds of hey-bras and what sounded like rich white kids who'd heard one too many Dem Franchize Boyz tracks.

And, yes, they looked like the kind of guys who would have chin-up bars installed in their bathrooms.

But unlike the ol' ZenFo Pro, they didn't seem to be the kind of guys who kept Whitman's Leaves of Grass on the nightstand or who'd list The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari as one of their favorite films, or would, well, think twice about whether or not being called a chach was a bad thing.

Oh, so a chach is basically a preppy douchebag? Wow.

Mr. Molson looked up from beneath his ball cap. We were both drunk as skunks, standing in the cold, smoking cigarettes and watching as the chachefest migrated back to whatever horrid, vile place chaches take their chachebait.

Yup.

I guess being a college student in Oxford Fucking Ohio is no different that being a college student anywhere else.

* * * *

While the slang may change, there have always been chaches. We had them at LSU when I was a grad student, at Cal Poly and Northern Colorado when I was an undergrad - we just had different names for them.

Yeah. Chach works. And they really are like sexual cockroaches.

One day, maybe, I'll unearth a good definition for Stadium Toad.

I'll save that one, however, for another post.


- # # # -

Thursday, November 16, 2006

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO) DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS:
More Complete Batshit From the Mouths of Strangers

"She wants it, dude. She wouldn't let you buy her drinks if she weren't into you."
~ Local barely-legal bar patron to another member of his party, neither of whom seem to realize the "I'll Flirt with Your Sorry Ass as Long as You buy the Drinks"
concept does not necessarily equate with sex.

"I hate when you're sitting in a class and eight people feel the need to share that trying to find Jesus changed their lives. Look, I'm from Queens - if you can't find the body, hey, I know people..."
~ A student member of the ZenFo Pro work staff,
displaying the type of wit
that earned him a job with the Hardest Working Badass Support Team in librarianship.

"God loves sin, but hates the sinners."
~ Member of a campus ministry organization in a coffee shop, who, um, seemed a bit confused...
"This bitch was, like, hot and shit, but we were in the middle of beer pong . So I told her to wait until the game was over."
~ Local self-proclaimed drinking game professional,
on turning down sex at a party to toss a frigging ping-pong ball into cups of cheap beer.

"Nuh-uh! Raising the minimum wage doesn't cost anybody anything. Just business owners."
~ A Liberal Arts major.
"I'm so worried about my kids' generation. These kids now would rather give each other head than fall in love. Blowjobs are preferable to kissing. Sexually active and emotionally dead. That's frightening."
~ One of the few nontraditional graduate students at the Local U.

"Beer pong is a civil right."
~ Unknown student "activist" opposed to pending outdoor drinking game ban vote, reportedly via email to city councilmembers.

"They should ban ugly people from campus. They make [Local U.] look bad."
~ Enlightened student Higher Education analyst

"A few questions...I heard a rumor that the [ZenFo Pro] Library coffee shop will open Nov. 31...is this true?"
~ Question posed to the ZenFo Pro during work-related interview.
Not true, of course. Opened yesterday.
But we will be giving away free food Feb. 30.

"You're frustrating. You flirt too much, you talk too much, and you absolutely refuse to acknowledge when somebody is hitting on you. I don't know why you're upset that a woman told you that dating is a game - that's how most people date. You just take your ball and go home rather than play it. Nothing wrong with that. Frustrating, weird and strangely charming."
~ This is what some of the ZenFo Pro's ex-lovers call a compliment (via email).

"Independent women always win in the end. Intelligence is forever and never asks for a boob job."
~ Local U. Alumna/Blog Reader
"Hehehe...you said ballcock."
~ Overheard whilst repairing a toilet. And, yep, that's what those devices are called.

"I told the bitch to shut the fuck up during the Bengals game. And she dumped me. Can you believe that shit?"
~ Overheard in the ZenFo Pro library. And yes, I can believe that, actually.




Tuesday, October 10, 2006

THE OXFORD WITNESS:
Sometimes, Being a Good Librarian Means One Must Be Willing to Listen, Learn, and to Piss Off a Patron's Ex-Boyfriend

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- So I'm leaving work Monday afternoon. A young woman is sitting on a park bench, surrounded by piles of books, binders crammed with scribbled-on looseleaf, and wads of used Kleenex.

I tried not to stare, but it's hard to ignore somebody with bloodshot eyes and whose face is red from some emotional outpouring. As I walked by, I tried to not make eye contact.

Dammit.

The woman asked me if I had an extra cigarette. She had that all-trembling-from-a-good-cry in her voice. I bummed her a smoke, lit it for her. She stared at me for a few seconds, like that act was the nicest thing anyone had done for her in a long time.

Why the hell do women find the act of a guy lighting a cigarette for them so damned shocking?

* * * *

Even if I were to quit smoking tomorrow, I'd still carry a lighter for just such a purpose. I was raised in the South, for chrissakes. With a very Old South great-grandmother living only a few hundred yards away from where I grew up, there was no way for me to avoid picking up a few nasty habits of the Southern Gentleman.

Sure, I can be crass, shocking, and be downright vulgar at times. But if you grew up hearing the legends and tall tales of your ancestors, ones involving pistols at 20 paces over spurned daughters in the 1800s, shared bloodlines with Robert E. Lee and ancestral claim to ancient Virginia and Louisiana plantations, you'd probably have a few nasty habits you'd pick up as well...

* * * *

I asked the woman if she was doing okay.

Nope. Emotionally distraught over some high school sweetheart, now a student at another university, whom she'd just caught cheating in his dorm room when she showed up unannounced last weekend, she had a week's worth of exams lined up in just about every General Education course known to man.

She was trying to get caught up on her required reading from the previous week, trying to make notecards for studying as she'd always done, trying to just bury her pain long enough to maintain her 3.7 GPA. But her ex-boyfriend kept texting her, leaving voicemails, quasi-stalking her online.

After catching him cheating, she had apparently gone to one of her best friends for solace, who'd confided in her that she'd slept with the girl's boyfriend, that he cheated on her on Prom Night senior year, that he'd been cheating on her over the whole course of their puppy-love relationship...

And now that it was over, and she was left crying on park benches, he wanted to "get back with" her, he missed coming down to the Local U. to "see her," i.e. drink beer in her dorm room and eat off her dime...

She finally looked up, apologized for wasting my time, bummed another cigarette off me, and went back to studying and sniffling.

The only thing I asked was if she were okay.

I told her it would all be fine and to just suck it up. Guys are like bags of potato chips - one flavor gives you heartburn, chuck it and choose the Sour Cream and Chives.

Then I walked away.

* * * *

I headed up to a bar to hold a not-so-professional conference call with a Local U. alum/blog reader who wanted the sordid details of my recent love triangle and the Jack Nicholson thing. (Still don't understand why, exactly, 18-22 year-old women seem to find it fascinating that a 28-year-old librarian has - gasp! - a fucked up personal life.)

At one point in the conversation, while on my second Red Needle, I mentioned the incident. I laughed. It's a bit silly to get all worked up about some stupid high school sweetheart.

The Local U. Alum made a sound halfway between a gasp and a sigh. Apparently, I sounded like such a guy and that my advice was way too harsh to lay onto a 19-year-old. For all I knew, the Alum implied, the girl could've been contemplating suicide or on the verge of a serious midterms-driven nervous breakdown.

While, yes, my bumming a cig and simply listening was indeed gentlemanly, my lack of compassion, in spite of my own problems, was not. The potato chips analogy? Completely inappropriate.

Errr...

Have I ever mentioned that certain women are able to guilt me into doing almost anything, even leaving a bar to wander back towards work at seven, just to make sure some girl was still alive and not insane.

A major character flaw. I blame it on the whole Southern Gentleman thing.

* * * *

So I walked back towards work. The girl in question was still on the bench, still scribbling onto notecards, still getting random text messages from her cheating ex boyfriend, still building her mountain of snotty used tissues.

I walked by, smiled ... and walked right on into my library. I must've looked like an idiot to the patrons studying behind the periodicals as I browsed the journals in my own frigging library, occasionally peaking out the window.

Oh, now this is pretty damned embarrassing.

What the hell was I supposed to say, anyway? I'm not Doctor Phil. I haven't dealt with the whole heartbroken 19-year-old undergrad thing since, well, I was 19 - almost a decade ago. Even then, I had more in common with the girl she'd caught in her ex's dorm room.

Hell, I was engaged to a stripper when I was 19, smack-dab in the middle of my "hoochie phase," falling in and out of love with women who sported gang tattoos and who had criminal records. I worked three jobs - student, sports reporter, and complete and total bastard.

What kind of advice can I give a college student in the midst of that stereotypical college-aged break-up with the high school boyfriend?

Rather than continue to hide in my library, I finally sucked it up and decided to, well, at least try to act my age. I'd already apparently been a cold, heartless tool; why not at least provide some comic relief as I try not to look like a creepy old guy, prying into somebody's business...

* * * *

So I went outside, found the girl sitting in the same place. I tried to play it cool - I asked her how the study session was progressing.

The girl looked up at me, said hi ... and broke down when she looked back down at her stack of index cards. She just shuddered; no tears.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

* * * *

I just stood there, again, looking like an idiot. I tried not to think about what the girl's fellow students must've thought as they walked by.

Sometimes, I hate having to be a human being.

I sat down next to the girl, and she again spilled her guts. The boyfriend had just arrived in Oxford and was on his way to meet her. He was bringing flowers. She showed me his text messages - the first 40 or so outlined how it was all her fault for his cheating, she shouldn't have gone to college here, and the oh-too-cliche a man has needs. The last 20 or so were apologies.

The last message? It was the all-or-nothing, you'll - do -what- I -tell - you kind of message only a barbarian would send to a woman. In a nutshell, the guy basically stated that because he drove all the way down to Oxford, because he'd brought flowers, he expected she'd just take him back and sleep with him, because he's a playa that every girl at _______ University wants to hook up wit.

For fuck's sakes, who raises guys like this? Do they have mothers, or did some editor at Maxim just pop one too many laxatives? Playa? Please. Dude, I saw the pictures on the girl's phone. Who the flying fuck wants to play with Eminem's dumbass brother?

I asked the student if she wanted to see the guy. She said what I'm pretty sure was no, since my suggestion that maybe we should get her some food was met with a nod and the packing up of her stuff.

* * * *

We walked up to one of the Uptown convenience stores. I bought the microwave burritos and the turkey jerky, since she didn't have any money.

She told me, as we ate, that that was the first meal a guy had ever bought her. The asshole boyfriend? She's picked up the tab on every meal they've ever had together, going back five years. She didn't have any legal tender, in fact, because she'd just paid his cell phone bill.

I walked her back to the library. She told me just about every frustrating and infuriating thing she'd experienced as a stereotypical Local U. undergraduate. The stress caused by trying to be perfect, trying to get those perfect grade, trying to be the perfect girlfriend, roommate, the perfect human being on her way to some imaginary perfect life.

And I listened. I just let her vent. In fact, at one point, I encouraged her to scream, to let loose all of the anger that goes along with discovering that there's no such thing as a perfect human being.

We spent a good two hours talking in my office. At one point, she looked at her cell - the Playa had sent her another 10 messages and left four voicemails. She started to text him back. I asked her why she would bother.

She looked at me, grinned. Then she asked me if I'd answer her phone the next time the Playa called. She really just wanted to study and needed to pull an all-nighter at my library anyway; talking to me apparently helped her feel better and ready to get her eyes back on the Higher Education prize.

Five minutes after I agreed, her phone rang (one of those god-awful quasi-muzak ringtones). She handed me the phone.

For a whopping 23 seconds, I was some Geography senior named Roger. And _____ was in my shower. And it was none of your business, bra. I asked the Playa if he was her little brother up at ______ University, the one with only one testicle...

Hey, when you've spent the majority of the last decade as the perpetual fling and escape hatch guy, you learn exactly what to say to completely crush the self-esteem of a would-be playa. It's those lifeskills librarians rarely need to use at work that often come in handy at the strangest times...

I know. It's immature. It's completely unprofessional. Juvenile, stupid, and petty.

But she got a kick out of it. Sometimes, information overload, even the kind caused by asshole playa ex-boyfriends, can best be treated with a good, ol' fashioned "Fuck You" aimed squarely at the source of anxiety.

And it made her laugh. When he called back, I made sure she had the number for the local police handy if he decided he wanted to continue waiting outside of her dorm.

She had week's worth of exams; she didn't have time to fuck with cheating ex-boyfriends.

While waiting for her roommate to call back to confirm that he had indeed left, I even helped her locate five resources for one of her papers, showed her how to search JSTOR like a pro, and taught her my patented paper writing tricks.

And downloading the all important Fuck All Men I'm Here to Fucking Graduate iTunes playlist. How is it that there are 19 year-old women, on any college campus, who've never thought to listen to Riot Grrl tunes whilst trying to get schoolwork done, post-breakup?

Good information literacy skills require a soundtrack designed to channel just such aggression into the creation one badass student scholar.

Yeah, not too gentlemanly. But, well, nobody's perfect.

* * * *

Listener, Information Literacy instructor, Completely Hardcore Librarian, and Pisser-offer of Patron Ex-boyfriends.

Not a bad way to spend a few extra hours at the office, actually.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

THE ZENFO PRO GOES ON A RANT AND TAKES NO PRISONERS DEPT.:
I'll Take Rumors and Gossip for $800, Alex...

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- The prevalence of rumors, gossip, and other spiteful talk is something one learns to deal with in small towns.

There are always tales of sordid affairs, closeted husbands, and swingers' groups. There are stories involving proper church ladies giving head after the pancake breakfast, that 30-something dope dealer down at trailer park who's been fucking some 15-year-old, that one-time prom queen who must be "easy" because she was seen leaving the local Planned Parenthood.

It's a common phenomenon, really, all across the Planes of American Small Town Existence. It's as old as the Revolutionary War memorials in New England, as controversial and distorted as the Confederate Dead statues across the South, as common as the cannons in front of just about every damned V.F.W. in every Midwest village.

In small college towns, however, the rumor mill is quite different. The dynamic is as complex as postdoctoral quantum mechanics; social geometry refracts gossip through various lenses - through that of the faculty, the student body, and the "townie."

The woman giving head at the local church becomes the nymphomaniac middle-aged assistant professor, the one rumored to invite unsuspecting male undergrads back to her home for wild Mrs. Robinson-style sex. That dope dealer legend grows into a tale about a 50-something dean, all hopped up on Viagra and academic self-importance, seducing students not yet able to legally drink.

There are the student secret society legends, the intercollegiate illuminati who supposedly have enough power and influence to get away with murder. Chlamydia and gonorrhea outbreaks on campus tend to be blamed on some unsuspecting 20-something "townie" woman or college drop-out, as if the virginal, sanctified walls of Higher Education could not be tarnished by anything but someone from beyond the campus, some walking, talking STD without enough money to cover tuition.

Have I ever mentioned that, well, according to several rather authoritative sources, the Local U. here has a VD rate on par with several Least Developed Nations? I'm more likely to catch something here than I would be if I lived in Tunisia or Libya.

The rumor mill here isn't unique, but it can be quite entertaining. Lunch conversations turn into seedy afternoon talk shows; scholarly discussions can devolve into whispers in only a few seconds.

And there is no way for anyone to avoid being the subject of rumors and speculation. No one is immune to it. Nobody is above gossiping, either.

* * * *

So what happens when, say, Oxford Fucking Ohio's "most popular" blogger (for the record, please don't IM or email that phrase to me anymore - kinda bugs me) discovers that both the "ZenFo Pro" character and Offline Jason are now subject to the rumor mill?

The blog? Well, hey ... it's a personal web site. My ugly mug graces the page you're reading right now. I accept the risk. I'm an active participant in the amount of personal information shared on this forum.

But when something from the ol' personal life gets blown way the hell out of proportion because someone saw a few photos posted elsewhere online, well, that's a different story.

Um...

So how many women am I supposedly sleeping with, exactly?

* * * *

I started getting the most random instant messages about eight weeks ago.

Several undergrads and, possibly, a few grad students, saw some rather blurry, candid, camera-phone photos turn upon someone's Facebook account.

They wanted to know if I was one of the people in the photos. And if I knew the photos had turned up online.

More to the point, they wanted to know if I was the librarian who'd been caught in a certain bar restroom with a woman, doing what appeared to be very naughty things.

Before responding, I tried to view the photos, but they'd been taken down. The same day I started receiving the first of the "Is it True?" IMs, I received a very apologetic phone call from the "culprit."

The woman in question was so shaken and pissed at herself. I couldn't bring myself to get mad at someone for making an honest mistake.

Not only had she deleted the photos, she'd deleted ALL of her photos, shut up shop on her Facebook account, downright terrified she'd ruined her best friend's life - and my life as well.

Yeah, my offline life. The "professional" side of the Zenformation Professional. And, well, the best friend is a different kind of professional in a major Midwestern city. Neither of us really needed the grief that goes along with, well, photos posted to the Web, tagged with phrases like XXXXX donates to [The ZenFo Pro's] Library or Jason will do anything to help patrons.

Okay, for the record, yes, the photos were of me and someone else behaving badly in a very public place, several months ago.

We're not talking Paris Hilton sex video here. Two people in their Mid-to-Late 20s tend to do these kinds of things when left alone to swap "my exes are more satanic than yours" tales whilst enjoying each other's company - and somebody else is picking up the bar tab. I'm also a sucker for well-read girls who enjoy zombie flicks and know their Delta Blues.

The woman who snapped the pics? Stuck the camera through the door when, well, a bathroom sink kinda-sorta detached from the wall.

When I answered the IMs, one-by-one, I answered honestly and frankly. They were blog readers; one of the things I pride myself in as a blogger is my ability to make myself accessible. There's no point in lying; anybody who's ever had to dispel rumors knows the best practice is, well, just fess up and deal with it. (I do, however, think I may have chased off a few readers with my candor.)

According to the, er, photographer, the photos were up all of 15 minutes before she realized the dangers of posting things online while intoxicated.

How many people could've seen those photos, anyway? And who would really bother to make the connection from the tags on a silly Facebook Photo Album and, well, this blog or my offline self?

...

Oh, for fuck's sake...

* * * *

It's amazing how fast rumors spread through certain populations. If actual viruses like AIDS and Malaria spread like gossip, the human race would've been extinct 20 minutes after we learned to quit dragging our knuckles through the dirt.

At least, well, the rumors aren't widespread, at least in relation to the ol' Blogger homestead here. Most IMers simply thought it was funny, or commented that it was good to see that one's Late 20s can be full of just as much reckless fun as one's Early 20s.

Hell, I'm a guy. The fact that I was born with a penis makes me highly susceptible to being a dumbass. I've got another four to five decades before I outgrow these dumbass tendencies. As anyone who's ever had one can attest, a penis is, at times, nothing more than a lightning rod for stupidity.

The blog readers who saw the rather poor quality photos weren't the problem.

It's the people I didn't know about, the ones who thought it was fascinating, scandalous, and, well, burlesque; Cyberstalking voyeurs merely curious as to what several alums from their Local U. were doing with a frigging librarian...

...And curious to know what this alum of another nearby U. was doing, breaking bathroom sinks and doing very bad things with a frigging libraran...

Fortunately for me, I don't have a publicly accessible Facebook profile. But my cohort in crime? Her profile was linked and, until I talked her through disabling her account, open to the public.

An abandoned piece of information technology, a relic from her undergrad career, complete with un-updated relationship status and photos of her long-gone college boyfriend.

A few clicks of a mouse somewhere in that Online night, and, just like that, to some folks I became The Librarian Who Steals The Girlfriends of College Athletes, the Homewrecker Services Librarian Who Gets Off On Putting Alums of XYZ Sorority From XYZ University Through Sinks in various Public Restrooms.

Apparently, there are some rather bored (or possibly deranged) local students who find it entertaining to try to discern the identity of this particular librarian...

Oh, the joys of Online Livin'.

* * * *

There's no way to really explain how goddamned annoying it is to be walking home from a night out on the town, be stopped at a crosswalk, and to have a carload of intoxicated 18-to-19 year old girls holler out of SUV windows, wanting to know if I'm the "full-service librarian."

There's no way to explain how damned embarrassing it is to be in a dance club with friends and, while making one's way to the bathroom, to have a drunk, oversexed, under-orgasmed Tween decide that it's appropriate to tell a guy pushing 30 that she could be his "wildest library fantasy" - based solely on the fact that she saw a few blurry photos of a fucking web site.

And to a recent commenter, who I suspect may have been one of those "let's fuck the librarian" folks...

That tall gorgeous blonde I was out with the other night? She's just a friend.

Yup, she kinda-sorta looks like the woman you saw in a low-res online photo. And yup, she manages a bar here in Oxford. And yup, I'd much rather hang out with around people like that "townie" "blonde bitch bartender," because, well, she's much more entertaining.

And yeah, insulting my friends, online or off, is a sure way to convince me that two "hotties" in this town are obviously as frigid as Alaskan roadkill.

And to the three drunk guys who felt the burning need to ruin my night Tuesday, insisting that I explain the secrets involved in getting a woman to, well, destroy plumbing...

Errr...rage building. Must...restrain...ZenFo Pro...silver, forked tongue...

For the record, it's not that I discriminate based on age, but I really have no desire to spend the night being drooled over by a bunch of, well, horny teenagers who spend more time in tanning salons than in the classroom. Call me when you grow up and quit worrying so much about what brand of bottled water Lindsay Lohan drinks.

Yeah. I know. That's harsh. It's cold, brutish, and insensitive. But, well, enough's enough. It was hard enough, when I started discovering I had local people reading this blog, to communicate that, yeah, this ain't some Ohio version of Gawker. For most part, I believe I've managed to chase most of the problem folks away.

Hell, at least most of the local female blog readers have figured out I'm not exactly a "Daddy's Little Princess" kinda guy, really. I tend to go for the "Self-Reliant, Well-Read, Intelligent, Empowered, Independent Woman" type.

So...

If you're a local college student, and you hear somebody repeating this rumor about some librarian who supposedly provides "special services," or some legend about some swinging bibliographic equivalent of John Holmes, or you even think you hear someone whisper something about some no-good, girlfriend-stealing, player librarian, well...

Please feel free to bitch-slap the taste outta some gossipy mouth for me, will ya?

# # #

Saturday, August 19, 2006

BACK TO SCHOOL, SAME OL' SHIT:
Of Human Dignity, Townie Livin', and College Culture

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- This weekend marks the "official" start of the local Higher Education experience for thousands of incoming first-year students, graduate students, and, yes, new faculty and staff.

After a summer of virtual slumber, the tiny hamlet of Oxford Fucking Ohio is once again a vibrant place - for better and worse.

The mayhem started early Friday morning. Students and parents from all over Ohio, from as far away as Atlanta and Chicago, from Kentucky and Korea, Italy and Indiana, began their annual migration into the batshit that is 21st century college culture here.


* * * *

Friday night marked my last night as a "free man" before the popped-collar masses return in full force. The spoiled rich girls were already pulling their Hummers into student housing parking lots by the time I left the office.

Who the hell buys an undergraduate a fucking Hummer? Why is it, at this Local U., located in a community where almost one in five children under 18 lives below the poverty line, there are parents who will buy their children automotive monstrosities - simply to make a half-mile commute to campus?

I went out for drinks with two colleagues early. One guy, A., is what the students call a "Townie." His father is a bit of a local legend about town, a guy who brought humor and wit to quite a few folks, a hard-working, honest-to-God symbol of Small Town Americana, taken from this community by cancer and God.

I never met the man. But as A. and C., both graduates of the local U., swapped stories about their experiences, I felt the hidden beauty I often overlook whenever I post something about this town. Watching C. ogle voluptuous women in tight outfits, hearing the cheers of Cincinnati Bengals fans as they watched their team pummel the Buffalo Bills 44-31 in a sloppy preseason game...

I was reminded that there is beauty everywhere, even in Oxford Fucking Ohio.

* * * *

I guess that's why, two hours later, I almost got into an all-out brawl with two guys outside of the local movie theatre.

Two local teenaged girls were walking down the sidewalk.

The girls were probably 14 or 15 years' old.

One of the guys hollered from the window of a parked sports car, asking if the girls were looking to party. When the girls ignored them, one of the Local U.'s finest decided it was appropriate to get out of the car, to call the teenagers snobby townie sluts and to instruct them to go back to their fucking trailer park.

I informed the gentlemen that this was unacceptable behavior.

When my polite request to stop such foolishness was laughed off, I more forcibly explained my position, outlining, in graphic detail, how painfully embarrassing it would be for both "men" to have to explain to Mommy and Daddy why they had been beaten down by a fucking librarian.

One of the guys didn't like being dressed down in public, so he decided to take a Natty Light-fueled swing at me.

Wow. How'd my forearm end up in that guy's chest, anyway? Must've slipped.

No hard feelings...bro.

While I abhor violence, I refuse to live in a community where supposedly intelligent young men are allowed to verbally harass teenaged girls.

Call me old-fashioned, I guess.

The thought of one of those girls being forever scarred by the drunken rants of a pair of assholes, of even one of those young women taking those words to heart and believing that they were nothing more than "townie sluts" was enough to convince me that, yeah, there's not enough money in the world to buy some guys even an ounce of self-respect.

No regrets, really.

* * * *

Shaken and stirred, I decided to swing down to another bar to keep some bartender friends company. An unusually slow night, one of the bartenders informed me most of the students were out at house parties.

As I sat there, I watched three students, two guys and a girl, dolled up in about $500-600's worth of designer clothing, rack up a $30 tab.

They tipped my buddy J. a whopping 50 cents.

At one point, three rather annoying women walked into the bar and proceeded to have the most inane conversation about the "fuckability" of the guys they'd met that night. The entire conversation apparently revolved around the guys' majors and their potential financial futures.

Wow. Nothing like listening to three catty women argue the finer points of the "cock-size vs. wallet-size" debate, a debate found wherever women pursuing M.R.S. degrees congregate.

At one point, while eavesdropping, I told J. that I found the women's conversation so stupid, it was almost intriguing. He laughed and said something like if you still find that intriguing, then you haven't lived here long enough.

* * * *

I left the bar at just past 1:30 Saturday morning. I'd racked up my share of free drinks for the night, and, well, I'd succeeded in keeping a few buddies entertained for a few hours.

I wandered up to a 24-Hour filling station for a cup of coffee. I notice three "indie rock" type kids staggering down the alley, scenesters from some suburb, clad in too-tight Fallout Boy and My Chemical Romance tee shirts, reeking of overpowering bodyspray as they passed by me. They were bitching about uncool Oxford, how it was nothing like their summers in Europe, how un-scenester-esque this town can be.

This Emo Girl in the group stared at me through rose-tinted, windshield-sized sunglasses, then rolled her eyes as I acknowledged her staring. She instantly whipped out her pink Razr, let out a pouty noise, and scampered along behind the rest of her Hot Topic Rebel Army.

For some reason, her reaction made me think of a quote I read recently, in a short piece about what this girl's peers are listening to in Iraq right now, the "scene" they're making while they deal with death all around them, as they face their own mortality at 18, 19, 20, 21, 22...

"We can't put a Dashboard Confessional song on and expect to go out there and kill somebody."
- Marine Sgt. Brandon Welsh,
as quoted in Rolling Stone
(Soundtrack to the War, Evan Serpick, Aug. 27, 2006, issue).


Thinking about that quote made me feel, well, sad for Emo Girl. No matter how much of a fashion show she puts on while in college, no matter how much she frets over hipness, she'll probably never see her name in the pages of Rolling Stone, like Keith Richards, Bruce Springsteen, and ... a 23-year-old Iraq War veteran from Virginia.

But, well, Welsh and the other folks over there have more earned the right to be interviewed by one of the world's best-known "cool" publications.

Of course, she's had the luxury of living in a sheltered world in a sheltered college town, far away from places like Fallujah and Baghdad, free from the fear and courage required to survive things like attacks on Light Armored Vehicles.

I have yet to meet a Jarhead in Oxford Fucking Ohio, wandering the streets with the leftovers of a line of Coke powdering a red nostril, looking at the world through such rosey Gucci eyewear.

* * * *

I sat on a bench in Uptown Park until well past three, watching as all the pretty young fish filled an already overcrowded fishbowl.

I watched as sober-looking guys escorted very drunk women down High Street, one hand on an asscheek and the other holding up potential date rape victims.

One rather arrogant guy, with very young looking girls under each arm, had the balls to leave a woman at a table next to mine, saying something about how he didn't fuck fat chicks.

I walked over and asked the woman if she needed some help. She simply threw up, asked me if I thought she was fat (she was probably 120 pounds or less, about 5'5 or 5'6), and staggered onward into the night, hollering at the guy that she wasn't fat and she thought she was in love...

* * * *

At one point, a rather attractive brunette decided to sit down and, well, see why such a hot guy was looking so like lonely.

Sat down, as in literally hiked up her skirt and straddled me. She started telling me that I had nice shoulders and that she liked older guys and thought guys in black tees were like hot...

Did you know the barely-remembers-to-shave-once-a-week look is apparently back in style, according to several fashion magazines?

Ask me if I give a shit.

I also looked like the guy who worked in [My] Library, the she'd interviewed as part of a Mass Com class assignment last year.

Well, it's good to know I look like myself, I guess.

I noticed she had black Xes on each hand; she was under 21.

For the price of a case of Keystone Light, I could've had an 18-year-old sex toy to, in her words, do whatever I wanted. I wouldn't even have to use a condom, because I looked "clean."

Wow. There's a visual examination for AIDS now?

And to think, there are human rights organizations actually trying to stop illegal sex trafficking and forced prostitution... why bother?

There are apparently young, affluent American women willing to sell their bodies for a case of cheap beer.

As long as you look "clean."

* * * *

Welcome to Fall Semester 2006, in Oxford Fucking Ohio.

Something tells me the kids, well, may not be alright, after all.


Friday, August 18, 2006

THANKS AND...STUFF:
I Will Not Be Held Down by The Man or His Canned Meat God...

Okay, so I'm now officially sick of my long-winded blog posts.

But thanks everybody for bearing with me. I've been wanting to get that off my chest for some time. And, well, almost means almost. Still here. Not going anywhere.

And thanks so much for the emails and IMs, too. I must say that I now have to eat a bit of crow. I guess my assumptions about who reads this thing, but chooses not to comment, have now been proven 98.9 percent WRONG, and, yeah, I guess I tend to get a bit Old Fart ish when I discuss the plights of those on the receiving end of the sociocultural batshit that is Higher Education.

I received enough communiques this weekend to keep me chained to a laptop for seven hours, reponding to each one.

Thanks to the folks who read from the likes of local U., UC, O. State, OU, Bowling Green, Case Western, UK, Northern Kent., Ball St., UCLA, USC, San. Fran. St., IU, Ill., Mich. St., U. of Mont., UNLV, Tulane, Ga. Tech, and other places of learning who took time out of their summer to drop me a line. I figured ya'll needed some acknowledgement.

And, well, thanks Joanna and other lurkers for the comments. They were all amazing and, well, it's nice to get at least some affirmation every once and a while.

Blog-wise, thanks so much to Pia Savage for, well, simply being herself (her post reaffirming herself as the mistress of her Cyberspace Queendom and other recent posts finally gave me the courage needed to clear the air a bit.) And, well, Sar may be totally unaware of this, but offering me the chance to Brawl with the my favorite home state Belle actually helped remind me of why I blog in the first place - I don't list people in my Blogroll because they have neat web sites, but because they're all good people behind the banners, Technorati rankings, and code.

And Shayna? Join up to support the My Music Highway Project. Not only is she a sweetheart, she's also a reminder that the World Wide Web belongs to humanity and that, sometimes, those hot-moms-who-blog-from-small-towns can make the Intimate Web a much better place.

Yeah, I've over-analyzed this to death. But thanks for being an understanding bunch.

Lord, this is starting to sound like some self-absorbed Oscar speech...

* * * *

For those worried about my personal safety or other stuff because, yeah, somebody found out where I lived, no worries.

I have since relocated to a new, much more "me" place - a neat lil Bohemian loft that would make another Bohemian homesick for good ol' San Francisco. I finally accepted that I don't need to be wasting $200-300 a month during the winter heating a place I barely occupied. My new loft is in one of the oldest, most historic buildings in Oxford - and I have hardwood floors.

I'll post more later, but trust me, I now live in the LAST place most folks would expect to find a working professional. Sometimes, the safest place is in plain sight.

* * * *

And, finally... Wombat tagged me last week. Since this blog has been way to introspective and, well, serious lately, I decided to show a brother some love (and who doesn't love an insomniac wombat?) :



Rapper Name:
Um...still DJ BallKap, Cold Archives Experiment. (I swear I used to be a decent emcee before Library School made me as hip as Betamax.)

Alternative Rock Band Name:
A Gringo Ate My Baby

Name your pain:
Whatever it's been in my life, traditionally pain has involved the "she" pronoun used frequently and some type of controlled substance.

1 true word that symbolizes God:
Spam.

1 True Love or 1 million dollars?:
True love. Money is easer to steal than another person's heart.

Live Free or Die Stupid?:
I'll plead the Fifth. My attorneys have advised me that anything I say may be held against me in a court of public opinion.

Purest, Happiest Moment Ever (8 words or less):
Watching the Ramones rock out my hometown.

Most Influential Life Lesson:
Never, ever, consider marrying a stripper with a coke habit and a serious mental illness. Bad idea, homes.

Most Successful Person You Least Admire:
Joseph Stalin

Where do we go when we die? (one word):
Wal-Mart (Yeah, they own that, too.)

Worst TV show of the past decade:
Anything with American or Idol in the title.

Best TV show of the past decade:
Probably a tie between Battlestar Galactica and Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Still with me, yes or no?:
Nah. You lost me, smartass.

Burning Building- baby or dog:
Baby

Who runs the world? (two words or less):
The Man, an individual reported to live in some Northern Virginia suburb, who watches his investment portfolio grow fatter and fatter on Saudi blood money, inner-city drug trafficking and arms sales to Least Developed Nations, who does it all so his children can have TiVo and Bluetooth-enabled devices, his wife can live like a desperate, collagen-filled housewife, and his girlfriend can afford a flat in Manhattan.

Fuck that two words or less shit. The Man invented that bag to suppress free speech.

Worst Idea You Ever Had:
A mixed drink called The Bitch: equal parts MD 20/20, Thunderbird, Boone's Farm, cheap gin, and Mountain Dew. I think there may have been some vodka in there as well.

God, that was awful.

Shittiest Job You Ever Had:
Cleaning up construction sites as a kid.

Best Job You Ever Had:
Information Analyst wasn't a bad gig. Don't ask, because I can't really explain any farther without the risk of being sued into three generations of poverty. That's the best part, actually.

NOTE - Consider this an "Open-Source" tag.