Sunday, December 11, 2005

OXFORD CONFIDENTIAL:
Seven Things That Annoy Me

Best Part of the Weekend:
Completed (Mostly) New Cold Archives Remix, inspired by bizarre imagery created from the Wu-Tang/Sleater-Kinney reference in my last Playlist:


Now back to your regularly scheduled rant...


SEVEN THINGS ANNOYING ME LATELY

1. The Radioactive Women of Southwestern Ohio

Its winter here. Lots of snow on the ground. Very little sun. Do you think there's anybody out there who honestly believes your tan is natural? Ladies, its clear you've absorbed enough UV radiation to power whole villages in Russia - you know, like Moscow. Don't come crying to me when those freckles turn to melanoma. It's your hide.

2. Post-It Gnomes
I just cleaned my desk at work. I've discovered that the same little bastards who ate my matching socks at the laundromat this morning have eaten my last three packs of Post-Its. That does it - I'm putting the sons of bitches on an urban-legend endangered species list.

3. Thanks for Pointing Out My Graying Skull
Yes, I have a few gray hairs. You usually don't notice them, because I usually use pomade in my hair. I'm not embarrased by them; my dad started going gray in his 20s and I've earned each one. Some girl today asked how old I was. I asked her to take a guess. She guessed 38. Now, 38 is nowhere near being old, but please don't age me 11 years simply because I'm going gray early.

4. Cruel and Unusual Punishment
To the bum who broke up with his girlfriend the night before her morning final then left her stranded without a ride...yeah, that's smooth, chief. Thanks for making guys everywhere look like complete chumps. Next time, if you're looking for just a sexual relationship, make sure the feeling's mutual.

5. And When I'm Being a Reckless Bastard...
I realized that the two runners I almost ran over Friday were actually coworkers on a polar jog. Note to self - only change CDS when at a stoplight or cruising down the Interstate. Realizing my mistake, I apologized. They didn't even notice that I came this close to hitting them. I don't know what makes me feel more like an idiot - knowing when I've been a dumbass or apologizing for being a dumbass and finding out that nobody noticed.

6. The bands Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance
Two names for ya, fellas -- Winger and Warrant. Never heard of 'em? Well, they were 80s metal bands with oh-so-hot frontmen who fed radio a steady diet of power-pop tunes that nobody really wants to admit they ever listened to. Yeah, they paid too much for their ripped jeans, too. I'm certain I'll be seeing your albums selling for $5.99 at truckstops everywhere in about, oh, two years.

7. Red Bull Tweekers Posing as College Students
Don't drink that stuff. Seriously. Go home, get a good night's rest, and you'll be fine. Eat more green leafy veggies and have a good breakfast before your exam. Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. You'll be okay. It's just a test.

9 comments:

Chewie said...

hey buddy don't feel to bad about the age thing... it happens to me a lot and i haven't even started getting grays... most of my students think i am anywhere between 64 and 42 how f**kin insane is that???????????????????

well i hope things are good and tell your fam i say hi and happy holidays

Chew

The ZenFo Pro said...

Lol...yeah, it, apparently only bugged me last night. Nothing like a good rant to blow off some steam...Had to be at work this weekend...stressed, as usual ;). The gal's second guess was 22, so it balances out. Taught me to never do that again. Honestly, comes from having to answer the question ad nausium at work...sick of answering the question. I know a lot of younger librarians ge nailed with that all the time.

Hey, and happy holidays right back, dude!

Anonymous said...

yOu SuCk So MuCh!
OMG MCR and Fall Out are two of the hottest bands in the world and you're just jealous of regular guys who become like so FaMoUs!
IAM SURE GERARD WAY IS THE GREATEST SINGER OF ALL TIME! AND PETE WENTZ IS SOOO HOT AND COOL AND NORMAL1 They will outlast every band you listen to your probably just depressed that BrItNeY sPeArS sucks.

I'm the QUEEN of CINCINNATI. I will stirke again if you hate on my favorite bands you poser.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Um..okay.

So Queen of Cincy, do you have a problem with your keyboard?

Where did the Britney Spears thing come from?

Ms. Monkeythong said...

Re: Radioactive women -- they've spent too much time near the old Fernald plant.

Re: gray hair -- at least guys get to look distinguished, we women just look old. I'm 39 and routinely people think I'm around 30. The reason? Two words for ya, babe -- hair dye ;-)

The Subversive Librarian said...

Now you know why I never ask anyone to guess my age....

Girl on the Blog said...

I hate to do this to ya... but...
Sorry you've been tagged!

Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

chemical fallout who?????? ewwwww You're so right.

Grey hair??? I'm not laughing about the grey just about the pomade.

at least you didn't hit anyone.

The ZenFo Pro said...

MM:
LMAO. Not sure if its the old uranium processing that went on in this area, or the fact that there are now at least five tanning salons in Oxford. WTF? Tanning salons and sub shops. A college town that used to have two legendary record stores and a neat local scene (so I've been told) has devolved into a Olsen Twins straight-to-video set.

Probably both. Distinguished? Most guys, but not me.I have this bizarre Bonnie Raitt skunk streak forming. I blame it on dating too many psychopaths, sociopaths, and overly self-absorbed women. Oops...my bad :)

I have tried the Grecian Formula trick once or twice...

SL:
Yup. Learned my lesson, definitely :)

GOTB:
Aw, dammit. ;) Will be up by the end of the day. Haven't been tagged in a while.

Alice:
Yeah, both bands are so overhyped and have been wasting my time in magazines like Spin and Rolling Stone. A lot like Conor Oberst and Bright Eyes (Spin named him one of the most influential musicians of the last 20 years...along with Chuck D. from Public Enemy, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Green Day, etc...his interview made me want to puke it was so overly emo-ish.)

WTF? Oh yeah...we live in an era when rebelling against the Man is underwritten by the Man's corporations.

As for my pomade addiction....lol, everytime I've been too lazy to toss some in my hair, somebody makes a comment. Hell, I kept my head shaved for most of the 1990s and early 00s for just that reason ;)