Sunday, February 04, 2007

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO) DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS

"You know... a muffin top."

- A colleague's wife, caught off-guard by my
not knowing a particular slang term.
Colleague in question demonstrated said terminology with hand motions and references to the decline of Hooters.

* * * *
"A buddy of mine from my old unit called last week and asked me if we'd ever be forgiven for the things we've done. I told him, no, we wouldn't. But I'm sure we'll both be on point, guarding the gates of hell forever."

- The Cop.
No explanation needed.

* * * *
"I don't think I could hook up with guys sober. They don't like me unless I'm drunk."

- Female, Local U. Undergraduate.

The ZenFo Pro advice to anyone who feels this way? Don't do that. The guys women end up "hooking up with" while intoxicated may provide momentary creature comfort, but, well, they don't respect you. And respect is so much more important than a few nights' worth of what amounts to worthless sex.

* * * *
"Drunk bitches rock. I could go home with a different one every fucking night."

- Male, Local U. Undergraduate.

Why the hell would some idiot feel the need to yell this beneath my apartment window at two in the morning? And how insecure does a woman have to be, in order to become one of this idiot's "Drunk Bitches?" So glad I'm no longer a student.

* * * *
"I keep a jar of pickled herring in the refrigerator for when I'm feeling stupid. It's the Omega 3s - keeps you smart."

- A friend, reacting to the ZenFo Pro's salmon addiction.
Yep. Would rather eat the salmon than pickled herring.


* * * *

"Ninjas. Midget ninjas. They live above the ceiling tiles. Vicious bastards."

- The ZenFo Pro, explaining his library's security system, to a patron who almost believed him.

* * * *

"Blogs have voices & styles, much like magazines. Nobody is screaming that House Beautiful isn't covering the war in Iraq - and no one seems to care that Time magazine doesn't offer decorating tips."


- # # #-

7 comments:

Critical Darling said...

I just figured out why I have no undergrad friends. They don't like me for some reason...

shayna said...

I must not pay attention to what people say around me... I do good to remember what I said 5 minutes ago...

cooper said...

I love both Salmon and pickled Herring and I'm sorry I read this because now I want both and I don't have either.

Surely it was "Time", fashion rag that it is, which posted Condi in those kick-ass black boots.

I like this little feature.

G said...

Great collection of quotes, but what makes them stand out are your wonderful observations.

Based on the undergrad quotes, please remind me again why college is important.

sassinak said...

damm not i want pickled herring. i don't eat much salmon, someting about the texture but i enjoy it when prepared well...

g: sometimes people actually learn something.

pia said...

My comment didn't take

I hate herring, used to love salmon until I began to feel like one--now only like it smoked or in sushi

"Blogs have voices & styles..."

Wonderful

The ZenFo Pro said...

CD:
Lol. Yep.

Btw, your writing has been absolutely stellar lately.

Shayna:
Lol, chica, well you do have the pregnancy excuse :)

Cooper:
Lol, you know, you and WDL could have a magazine duel-off over fashion ;)

Err...herring.

G:
You know, I'm not sure about the college thing. I'd swear, some days, it only exists to keep crazed scholars off the streets and to keep entitled kids from destroying mommy and daddy's company years' too early.

Lord, I'm a cynical one this morning...

Sass:
You know, now I'm starting to crave herring responding to these comments...

Pia:
Lol, chica...probably has to do with the Blogger 2 upgrade, which I finally allowed to happen (after testing it out on another practice blog.)

Yeah, wasn't that just a perfect quote?