THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO) DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS

"You know... a muffin top."

- A colleague's wife, caught off-guard by my
not knowing a particular slang term.

Colleague in question demonstrated said terminology with hand motions and references to the decline of Hooters.

* * * *

"A buddy of mine from my old unit called last week and asked me if we'd ever be forgiven for the things we've done. I told him, no, we wouldn't. But I'm sure we'll both be on point, guarding the gates of hell forever."

- The Cop.

No explanation needed.

* * * *

"I don't think I could hook up with guys sober. They don't like me unless I'm drunk."

- Female, Local U. Undergraduate.

The ZenFo Pro advice to anyone who feels this way? Don't do that. The guys women end up "hooking up with" while intoxicated may provide momentary creature comfort, but, well, they don't respect you. And respect is so much more important than a few nights' worth of what amounts to worthless sex.

* * * *

"Drunk bitches rock. I could go home with a different one every fucking night."

- Male, Local U. Undergraduate.

Why the hell would some idiot feel the need to yell this beneath my apartment window at two in the morning? And how insecure does a woman have to be, in order to become one of this idiot's "Drunk Bitches?" So glad I'm no longer a student.

* * * *

"I keep a jar of pickled herring in the refrigerator for when I'm feeling stupid. It's the Omega 3s - keeps you smart."

- A friend, reacting to the ZenFo Pro's salmon addiction.

Yep. Would rather eat the salmon than pickled herring.

* * * *

"Ninjas. Midget ninjas. They live above the ceiling tiles. Vicious bastards."

- The ZenFo Pro, explaining his library's security system, to a patron who almost believed him.

* * * *

"Blogs have voices & styles, much like magazines. Nobody is screaming that House Beautiful isn't covering the war in Iraq - and no one seems to care that Time magazine doesn't offer decorating tips."

- The Well-Dressed Librarian

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