Sunday, February 11, 2007

How To (Intentionally) Avoid Sex in a Land of the Oversexed and Undersatisfied

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- So I'm standing outside of one of my favorite watering holes last night, smoking a cigarette in single-digit weather.

It was a friend of mine's last bar shift at this particular establishment, her last hurrah before getting the fuck outta Dodge for a much-needed change of scenery. Several of her friends had gathered to pull a drunken "all-nighter" at the bar, to commemorate her special evening, to keep her company and provide mischievous entertainment, and to, well, make sure she tipped out for the night a wealthier woman.

My intention was to just hang out and to have a good time with a few friends. I don't go to bars for any other reason - not to seek female bedwarmers, not to check out the usual meat market, not to find true love in some drunken haze.

As I'm standing out in front of this bar, out on the steps in the freezing cold, chatting away with one of the cooks, an attractive younger woman walks up and asks for a light. The cook goes back inside, leaving me alone, on the steps, with an intoxicated marketing major.

Per the typical Local U. male undergrad standard, the woman would probably qualify as fucking hot.

Artificially tanned, well-built brunette - the kind of girl who has probably spent more of her collegiate career in the gym doing cardio than actually learning anything.

If I were a typical Local U. undergrad, I might've been interested. But I haven't been an undergrad in six years. Hell, I haven't been any type of college student in more than three.

I figured out said woman was hitting on me pretty quick into our brief conversation. The signals were pretty straight forward, almost exaggerated for comical purposes - the leaning against the wall, the downright silly As Seen on the WB eye contact and lip chewing, the rubbing my bare arms to "get rid of the goosebumps." Her speech, slurred by obviously too much alcohol (and the white powder on her nostrils explained her linguistic speed), was loaded with less-than-subtle innuendo and rather blunt flirting.

Examples of her side of the conversation somehow managed to stick in my mind, despite my own intoxication...

You know, I've always wanted to fuck a guy in the library...

...You're sweet. Can I take you home?

Sometimes a girl just needs an older guy...

Aww. It's Valentine's Day weekend. You need a sweetie...

I'll bet you read lots of girls bedtime stories...



* * * *

I think she thought I was smiling and looking away rather impishly because I was somehow planning how to get this fucking hot girl home for a night of drunken, pointless, sneak-out-before-dawn sex.

Actually, I think I remember laughing to myself about how I'd wished I'd told her I was a mechanic, just to hear her inanely chatter on about lube jobs, tune-ups, and body work.

The whole "conversation" lasted maybe ten minutes, the time it took me to smoke my first Marlboro and to get two-thirds of the way through the second. Aside from answering her questions, I didn't get in more than maybe 20 words.

I made a polite exit while she answered her cellphone.

* * * *

Back inside, I returned to my seat at the bar.

One friend of mine, who I'll call Lao Tse, stirred his umpteenth cocktail slowly.

He seemed annoyed that the bar was packed, filled with what seemed to be the most preppy of the preppy J. Crew U. crowd.

"I guess its good _____ gets a busy last shift," Lao Tse said. "But I really wish there weren't so many fucking annoying people."

I looked around the bar. The place was packed with groups of girls, whole tables' full of single fucking hot girls like my intoxicated marketing major.


The weekend before fucking Valentine's Day in Oxford Fucking Ohio.

* * * *

I don't do drunk girls. I don't do stupid women. And I don't tend to go for the same fucking hot girl personality types that many male bar patrons typically seek out around these here parts.

If one were to hunt through the Zenfo Pro archives, one will find numerous references to these concepts in numerous blog posts. Offline, I've had numerous conversations about these concepts with close friends for more than a decade. These personal rules of sexual engagement have been carefully crafted over years' worth of bad relationships and one-night mistakes, through way too many trials and excessive numbers of errors.

So it shouldn't shock anyone who reads this, anyone who's known me for some time, that the revelation I had last night, while doing shots of Johnny Walker, has been a long time in the making.

I'm finally comfortable admitting that I've become a Woman Snob.

And I'm damned proud of it, too.

Wow, I thought, sitting there at the bar, just admitting that makes me feel so much more at peace with the world.

Or maybe it was that Long Island Iced Tea I put down before the Johnny Walker.

It's amazing the types of revelations one can have while completely blitzed, sitting on a bar stool and staring into a room full of female bar patrons that one wouldn't even consider going home with unless they could prove they weren't just another fucking hot girl.

I felt like naked ol' Archimedes, ready to streak across the countryside, screaming Eureka! at the heavens.

* * * *

Another friend, this one I'll call Zhuang Tse, had told me a story about a woman earlier in the evening, a tale about woman he'd finally decided to cut out of his social life. The woman in question, over the course of their friendship, had been willing to basically use him to get whatever she wanted without giving anything of any substance in return.

While in the midst of my revelation, while staring into the mirror behind the bar, I noticed for the first time that my intoxicated marketing major was sitting at a table behind me.

The fucking hot girl had gotten over my abandonment. I watched, in drunken amazement, as she snuggled close to another guy, a guy who looked like just another typical male undergrad, fresh from a weeks' worth of classes as the Local U.

Well, somebody was getting laid, I guess. And somebody else was getting what they wanted out of another guy.

Not only is it amazing the types of revelations one can have while intoxicated, but it's also amazing the profound parables a 21st century Zhuang Tse can tell without even knowing it.

I don't think I've ever been so excited to watch somebody else stagger out of a bar with some fucking hot girl instead of me.

Let that guy develop his own rules of sexual engagement, figure out for himself that dumb women are just about as worthless as lead shoes in quicksand, that drunk women are just as likely to puke on or piss in the bed as be memorable, that all of those pointless one-night things tend to lead to more questions than boastful exclamations.

Somebody else can catch the Clap for a change. I gave that up when I was an undergrad myself.

* * * *

I looked over at Mr. Zhuang and Mr. Lao. They were both chatting away with our female bartender friend, cracking jokes and bemoaning the fact that she still had a few hours left until she could count out her drawer, could call it a night here in Oxford Fucking Ohio for the last time.

The woman behind the bar looked at me and smiled, her silver necklace swimming across her Hustler tank top as she laughed, her cheeks glowing and bright and...

For fuck's sake, dude, you're not checking ______ out, are you?

Whoa dude. You really are fucking drunk. Better slow the fuck down, chief.

Remember that time back in college, that time when you accidentally hit on that riot grrl deejay friend of yours by mistake? Remember how you woke up in her apartment, only to find out that she and a few other female friends decided to get their revenge by letting your drunk ass strip naked and pass out drunk in a pink Hello Kitty bathrobe? Dude, ya gotta focus and remember how ugly you look in an avocado mud mask...

Women can be merciless when their guy friends get a little, er, confused.

I laughed out loud at the memory, hoping to God that ______ didn't notice, that my twin philosopher drinking buddies hadn't noticed, either.

Life's not too shabby, dude. Just think... if you hadn't had a revelation tonight, you might've ended up like that fucking preppy dude who left with the fucking hot chick.

Drunk girls. Dumb...drunk...girls.

There's nothing empowering, nothing invigorating, nothing that screams out for the lust of life in the temporary embrace of skanky women.

And man, you're just smart enough to realize that Empowered, independent, confident women just ooze with the lust of life, nothing more invigorating than waking up next to someone you can talk to, someone you can learn from and can share in the exploration of the universe.


Dude, you're really, really drunk.

* * * *

After last call, after wishing one of the few Fucking Hot Women (yes, there are WOMEN here) in Oxford Fucking Ohio a good night and reminders to call when she gets a chance, Mr. Zhuang, Mr. Lao, and I made our way to Zhuang Tse's condo.

We kept drinking and philosophizing until the wee hours of the morning as we watched reruns of Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, ate pizza, and drank tequila.

I made my way home just before sunrise. My apartment was cold but welcoming, quiet and, most importantly, fucking hot girl - free.

* * * *

I stretched out on my bed, enjoying the peace offered by its emptiness, its lack of baggage and drama. I thought about the various women who've spent the night here with me, the ones since I adopted my steadfast rules.

I've had some of the best sex in the history of this goddamned town with some of the most intelligent women I've ever known. Call me a bastard if you must, but I'm damned proud of that.

I've had debates about evolutionary theory naked. I've listened as a nude pixie compared the stories I tell to Frank Miller and Mike Mignola graphic novels. I've argued against the historical importance of the Beatles, read Walt Whitman aloud, and gotten lessons in the influence of French designers on American women's fashion.

Once, I had an Italian woman wrestle me to this very bed because I refused to accept her theory that Americans were more responsible for the plight of Sub-Saharan Africa than the continent's former European would-be conquerors. I've lost shirts to women who claimed they couldn't kiss me hard enough, simply because I told them that watching them think was sexy.

Sure, there have been a few mistakes. But, well, thanks to having even the simplest of standards, those mistakes are getting fewer and farther between as time progresses.

Dude, you really are a hot fucking guy sometimes. Downright sexy. Way too sexy to waste any time with fucking hot girls, the young, horny, drunk, and stupid.

Okay, so sue me.

I realize that's a rather arrogant statement coming from me, something that - trust me - feels much more unbelievable writing out than could ever feel reading.

What can I say? I really am a Woman Snob.

# # #


R.A.Y "Raedien" Devine said...

I have got to start reading this more often.

Amanda said...

omg this is too funny. i don't know if you know this or not but you really capture the essense of life in "Oxford Fucking Ohio." i can't even come back to visit without feeling sad about what a cliche the town has become.

love your writings. keep it up. remind me of p.j. o'rourke.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Hey, another OxBlogger chimes in! Cool.

And thanks!

Lol, thanks. I actually hear that quite a bit. If it makes you feel any better, though, everyone mentioned in the post (other than the drunk girl) are either alums or close to alums. There are still some cool people here.

Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

Anonymous said...



You're an ass. Really. You make Miami students look fucking retarded.

We're not.

zydeco fish said...

fantastic entry, as usual. it is so descriptive, i felt i was there.

The ZenFo Pro said...


Okay. As for being an ass...

You're probably right.

Hey, gracias. I was actually trying on this one, because I realized that, lol, the bartender in question, as well as "Mr. Lao" and Mr. Zhuang" will probably be reading this and laughing their asses off at me :)

Critical Darling said...

Well thank christ for women snobs. If it weren't for people like you, us hot smart women would be forced to spend time with men whose eyes gradually glaze over as they realise they can't talk to us about boob jobs all night. Not a fun prospect.

The thing I like most about your blog is that you're able to admit that you've had the stupid misadventures that you've grown to reject. I feel like I've gone through similar processes, so maybe that's why it resonates with me.

alice said...

Very nicely written but I have been getting, for some time, a heavily anti women sentiment from this blog.

I think there are just as many dumb drunk men out there as there are women, and it occurs to me that for a very long time you were one of them.

You certainly are allowed to write whatever you want, and you do it splendidly, but for some reason it just bothers me.

Maybe one day you will be able to say something decent about women.

I wish that for you.

Steph said...

LMAO! You're upsetting the womenfolk there Mr Pro!

Drunk tards of any gender are total wastes of time.
A good conversation beats sloppy, quick sex any time.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Why, thank you, ma'am :) Very much appreciated. You know, I was just thinking along similar lines reading your comment.

I'm sitting here in my apartment, watching this flick Before Sunrise, a Richard Linklater flick that I haven't seen in a long time. You know, I'd much rather spend the night with somebody hopping around the streets of some foreign city, having a conversation about nothing (i.e., the plot of the film) than sit around listening to some woman rattle on about how much her friggin' NorthFace jacket and Deisel jeans cost, what her horoscope said in Cosmo or what some talentless actress eats for breakfast.

So thank you, thank God, for women who aren't like that.

Thanks again, and, seriously, I'm so glad you're back to blogging, hon. It's been a real inspiration :)

Fair enough.

But I think its also fair to say that the blog has been less "anti women" and more "anti types of women that annoy the fuck out of me," "anti women who've been in and out, and observed in my life," and "anti shallow, superficial women who systematically embrace the social construct of the saavy, independent Gen-Xer/Gen-Y/Tween that's been built by media constructs, PC-Nation touchiefeelie-ness, and lowered expectations."

There's nothing condemning of all women here. Honestly, I can see how one could read that into some of the stuff I write.

One of the promises I made to myself regarding the Blogosphere was to quit worrying about what other people could read into a few paragraphs and just write what I think. It may bother you to read some things, and that bothers me. But it would bother me even more if I wasn't true to myself in how I sincerely present my thoughts and feelings.

Lol, jeez, I'm in a cheeky mood tonight. Hope that didn't come across as too harsh.

I think I usually have quite a few decent things to say about women - actually, I think I do a fairly decent job presenting most of the women in my life in a fair, honest light. Might not be pretty, but, well, life isn't.

Lol, very thought-provoking comment. Love it...keeps me on my toes.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Lol, missed the Australian Supercelebrity blogger there...

Lol, yeah, I tend to do that, I guess. Not intentional. Most women generally knowI'm completely harmless ;)

And yes, they are. Having been, as Alic pointed out, one of those drunk tards myself when I was younger (never stupid, just bad at making the right choices), I can attest to that. I think one of the hardest things I've ever felt the need to admit on this thing is that, yeah, I've made more than my fair share of stupid mistakes.

Yeah, sloppy I can deal with. Quick, not so good. But that's usually because, well, there has to be some good conversation involved.


That sounded almost Yoda-like there. Sorry.

EsotericWombat said...

You bastard. If I keep reading and believing what you write then you might rob me of the chance to make those mistakes for myself. They sound a hell of a lot more fun than my mistakes, I'll tell ya.

The ZenFo Pro said...

For some reason, reading that You bastard, I was half-expecting you to accuse me of killing Kenny.

Sorry...South Park on the brain this morning.

Lol, err...well, if you really want to, you could always just go ahead and make your own mistakes. I could, er, loan ya some :)

Liz said...


I have to admit there is something to what alice said. There is a misogynist tone to a lot of your blog posts. Instead of criticizing our rape culture in which people get other people intoxicated (usually men giving drinks to women) to get them to do sexual things they otherwise wouldn't do (AKA RAPE), you criticize female college students for being stupid drunk chicks.

Snowrider said...


Wow you really do hit nights in uptown right on the head.

you know i used to blame miami guys for a lot of the stereotypes but then as i got older i started seeing that omg there are a lot of really slutty women that go to school here and egg the guys on.
people talk about OU and OSU being skanky but we have some major hos here. they ruin the place really.
and i totally disagree with alice on this one! i don't see how any intelligent woman could live here and not feel that, yeah, maybe the females are just as guilty as the guys. not a woman hater at all your just teling it like it is and that rocks!

i agree with ray. i need to read this more often. hope you don't mind the comment :-P

Critical Darling said...

I'd just like to add something to this discussion about misogyny, because, well, it's getting a little out of control I think.

I watched a classmate get all up in arms today as my (male) prof pointed out the glaringly obvious methodological pitfalls of Margaret Mead's work. I have another class with her and she explained that the aforementioned prof was sexist because his examples only involved men. I had not noticed this at all, but it certainly is funny to watch the uptight, oversensitive bitch shake her little bob haircut all over the place any time he should so much as say the word female. It's kind of obvious she has a few issues to work on.

Anyway, as I was trying to say, I don't understand why the choice to speak about something other than RAPE (fun subject matter though it is) turns Mr. Zen into some kind of woman hater. In fact, I felt that referencing the intelligent and beautiful women he has known, and rejecting the false and generic stereotype of the fucking hot drunk girl was more like a celebration of women. Real ones. I don't know when the heterosexual male point of view became offensive, but it's the most destructive contribution feminism has made to society.

And speaking of methodological pitfalls, labeling bars as being part of a "rape culture"....really, really inflammatory. If there is a problem with misogyny and gender discrimination (and I'm not saying there isn't in this environment), that is the absolute wrong way to address it.

johana said...

"Instead of criticizing our rape culture in which people get other people intoxicated (usually men giving drinks to women) to get them to do sexual things they otherwise wouldn't do (AKA RAPE), you criticize female college students for being stupid drunk chicks."

Excuse me? Rape is getting drunk and regretting it the next day, is it now?

I'm going to agree with everything CD said and add that one of the biggest mistakes feminists tend to make is continue to assert that women are incapable of looking after themselves.

Women are just as able to take personal responsibility for their decisions as men. If they get too drunk and stupidly make a mistake- it's just that. They are actually capable of moderating their own intoxication and saying no to that next drink...

If a man and a woman get drunk together and the feller wakes up the next day regretting the sex of the night before - it's not rape. Genders reversed - still not rape.

Soz for the ranty mcrant... Just ticks me off is all.. *blush*

Anonymous said...

man how have Inever seen this site before. badass. this is abetter read than the police report in the student.

K2.0 said...

Hey Jason:

Here's lookin at ya!

The ZenFo Pro said...

Oh hell, lol, looks like we've really have an ol' fashioned hornet's nest a-brewin', see the smart male blogger wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole...

Errr, yeah, I'm not a bright one sometimes - J.

* * *

Very interesting content analysis. Maybe some of what I post about could be perceived as being misogynistic, at least in terms of the very fringes of the accepted definitions of misogyny.

I wouldn't exactly choose to define misogyny as something tied to a guy's dislike of the behaviors and lack or responsible deision-making by a subset of a particular campus population (i.e. dumb drunk female undergrads). By that definition, one could easily argue that, say, women who criticize other women for working in strip clubs or posing for Hustler are doing so purely out of an irrational hatred of women (by far one of the most accepted general definitions of misogyny.) That would ignore virtually every other potential motivation, i.e. everything from jealousy to moral/religious taboos, and personal - individual - backgrounds and ideals.

As for discussions of the Rape Culture, well, lol, I've done my fair share of that on this sucker over the years. [ EXAMPLE]

You know, one of the most interesting things about this ol' blog is some of the discussions its spurned in the comments. It's interesting, having one's experiences critiqued - kinda like a bizarre sociological experiment, a personal ethnography. Fucking surreal shit.

No harm, no foul, and no offense taken, Liz.

Well, thank ya kindly :) Aprreciate the feedback from someone who sounds as if they've experienced some of the same behaviors.

And I must say, I think you have an equally excellent point there. What about personal accountability? I've seen some of the batshit stuff guys pull around here, but I've also seen quite a bit of equally batshit things female students do, too.

Hell, how many people here, reading this locally (or in their own locales, really), have heard/seen of women going to bars and slipping guys roofies, raise your hands...

(It's happened here and, well, in a lot of college towns. Sick shit. And yes, that's a hardcore- as- German- porn, real world example of how women can be just as big of culprits as men in college communities)...

The ZenFo Pro said...

Lol, your classroom experience is a very good example of what I call the Higher Education Underground - the real shit that goes on in and out of the classroom, the holistic campus culture experience that nobody really wants to admit or examine in depth.

Hmmm...what's being taught in classrooms around the worl is nowhere near as important as what's actually learned.

Lol, and to think, people wonder why I think it's damned hilarious that there are people at the Local U. here who believe this silly blog is more scandalous than, say, declining enrollment or the discussion of salaries in public, simply because it's written by a quote-unquote "adult in a position of authority."...

Hey chica, thanks for the stellar defense. One of the longest unbroken traditions I've had as a blogger is welcoming (or trying to) all viewpoints because, well, it really does make for some interesting discussions :)

Kinda like sitting in a virtual bar, but without worrying about the hangover or, lol, the dumb drunk girls :P

Btw, if this were the bar in question, and you and Liz had been there with me, having a similar conversation to what I was having that night, lol, I'm pretty sure both of you would've agreed that the marketing major in question was, well, not my type :)

Wow. I don't really have anything to say, really.

Amazing fucking rant! Lol, sometimes, as mentioned responding to Liz, it really is pretty fucking surreal to see how writing about one's observations from the real world can evolve into a discussion about rape and personal responsibilities of women, as well as men.

I guess I should add that, well, some of those smart women who I was talking about, the ones who've successfully, err, checked out the librarian for, err, home use, even as exes, are part of the reason I just can't seem to bring myself to think of a lot of the "fucking hot drunk girl" stereotypes as being fucking hot.

I'm spoiled I guess.

LMAO! Really? Now that's a compliment. Probably a bit safer, too, than reading the police blotter in the campus newspaper - I don't ever use the real names of people for several reasons - hell, I feel guilty even listing majors.

Thanks and feel free to stop by anytime. I'm sure I'll have another "look ma, Jason didn't fuck up again" post before the year's up ;)

Well, howdy stranger...:)

And I'll bet you thought that us former SLISters all ended up in nice, normal towns, being nice, normal people ;)

Btw, there are like three former Tiger blogs buried in my blogroll. Not saying who's who, however.

Yeah, I'm a bitch like that :D

Liz said...


You know I don't come here to criticize you, so please don't take my comments as condemnation of you, but as constructive criticism or food for thought. When we look at a person's behavior, I think we need to look at that behavior within the context of the society in which they live. When we observe college students in bars and their behavior, I think we need to see more than horny young men and stupid drunk chicks. There are societal factors at play here. I'm just asking you to consider that.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Hey Liz:
Oh, of course! Chica, I really didn't take it any other way. I hope I didn't come across as a)condescending, b) a complete jackass, or c) both in my response. I think you and I, at least academically, are on the same page, discussion-wise. (lol, actually, I think we've had varying discussions about this in comments in the past.)

There are definitely societal factors at play - I tend to focus on the localized element when I write, because, well, lol, I can't really generalize beyond my own environs.

Liz said...

Ok. I think you understand. Maybe some of your readers took my comments the wrong way. It's a discussion we're having here--not an argument.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Definitely, chica. Completely understand.

And, lol, for the record, I'm almost certain that, well, if you had been drinking with me that night, omg...

I would've expected nothing less than a "what the hell? you listened to that girl ramble on for a whole ten minutes?" and probably a sturdy kick in the ol' ass :)

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