Saturday, January 24, 2009

OXFORD CONFIDENTIAL:
On the Dangerous Situations Women Put Themselves Into at Colleges and Universities Every Weekend, Everywhere...

A RARE PROLOGUE

"So what you're saying..." said the drunk undergrad earlier in the night,"is tha...if... if I was completely naked and all over you right now, you wouldn't fuck me... because I'm wasted?"

"Exactly," I whispered back in her ear. "But you can call me when you're sober."

"That's fucked up."

"Well, maybe, but women usually appreciate that one fucked-up thing more than the others..."

And with that she wandered off, disgusted, and started grinding her very fine ass into the crotch of some other guy.

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) – So I found a drunk college girl passed out in the bed of my pickup last night.

Found is an understatement, actually - at a stoplight at three-thirty in the morning on a frigid Saturday, on my way home from the bars, I looked in my rear view mirror just as she knocked on the back glass of the cab from inside the camper shell.

So a zombie of drunk-ass, Oompa Loompa tan chick gave me a fucking horror-movie perfect scare, almost gave me a goddamn heart attack when she realized she'd passed out in a strange dude's truck WHILE the truck was moving...

That would be a way more appropriate way to start off this dispatch from the Rich White College Kid Holy Land.

You had to be there.

Better that you weren't, actually. I ended up gunning through the light by mistake, almost running into a government building in my rush to stop the truck.

* * * *

Poor kid was so wasted she could barely communicate anything beyond repeating that her friends had abandoned her and that she'd lost her purse.

Too drunk to explain coherently how she'd come to black out in my truck. Too drunk to provide me with any directions to get her home safely. Too drunk to give me any information beyond calling me Chad, apologizing for being too drunk, and telling me that she pissed herself.

So long story short...

I ended up adopting a petite, brunette, 19-year-old puppy for the night.

And no, not like that.

Please. For the last time now: I. DO. NOT. DO. BLACKOUT DRUNK GIRLS.

* * * *

Tough call, actually.

It was either give her a place to crash or drop her underage ass off with the Po-Po.

I chose the route that would get me in bed sooner rather than later, the route involving no paperwork, no questions about pressing charges or testifying-if-needed.

I helped homegirl to the passenger seat, drove home, and carried my impromptu boarder up a flight of stairs to my apartment. I laid her out on the kitchen table, positioned her head over the trashcan, gave her a blanket and a pillow.

And then I went to bed. Alone.

* * * *

When I got up at 11 o'clock, she was still there, snoring. She'd puked, missed the trashcan almost completely. Rather than wake her up - or eat my breakfast surrounded by the smell of vodka-tinted vomit - I went back to my bedroom, hopped on my new Ubuntu OS netbook, and surfed the web.

Eventually, I heard a thud in the kitchen, followed by a string of profanity and a call of Um...hello?

That, yes, was my cue to walk out and make an introduction to someone who, hopefully, got the shit scared out of her.

She was so embarrassed that she pretty much cleaned my apartment while waiting for her boyfriend to come fetch her.

Waiting for her boyfriend. In a strange older dude's apartment. After a night of drinking that she can't remember.

How'd ya like to be a fly on the wall in the ol' Fortress of Motherfucking Solitude for that knock at my door this morning...

* * * *

Like I said, long story. You just had to be there. And it's better that you weren't, really.

But the story probably wouldn't have ended as well had she passed out in some less honorable guy's pickup.

Oxford Fucking Ohio is, after all, a college town. And not everyone here is as honorable or ethical as certain sorta local blogebrity types...


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5 comments:

Clarissa said...

If you haven't made this up completely, you must have used a liberal slathering of poetic license, no?

Although the pragmatic route, it was also exceptionally kind of you to take the puppy home. As you said, she was lucky.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Clarissa:

Lol, actually, unlike other posts, I decided NOT to sugarcoat things - the only time I do that is when I'm worried about a subject's identity being compromised. Actually wrote the bulk of the post while in bed waiting for drunk chick to wake up - but I did take poetic license in downplaying how I almost wrecked my car and my emotional state. Adrenaline's a bitch.

Nope, sadly, no poetic lisense required. Welcome to Oxford Fucking Ohio on a weekend during the academic year.

It's hard to explain to people not from the area or unfamiliar with the severe binge drinking problem our local students have - one caused in part, in other similar college towns, by there being little else to do other than to drink yourself into a coma.

To say that it's more than the usual "Oh it's because they're in college" would be an understatement.I don't know a single person in this town who doesn't have a story involving some blacked-out college kid in a place they shouldn't be. Hell, we made national headlines last year because local authorities put the hosts of a house party on trial for getting a kid so drunk that she blacked out on train tracks and was crushed by a freight train...

Lex said...

haha dude i once found a guy passed out on top on the pathfinder in that fucking shithole...fuck oxford... i think the other comment was prob more about the conversation elements don't think uv ever expalined that to ppl.

glad ya dumped that psycho chick btw. don't settle k?

EsotericWombat said...

It sort of amazes me that people react to that the way they do.

It also occurs to me that if I were being a prick I'd call this "Jason's 236th post about how he's more of a gentleman than you are." =P

Seriously though. Good on ya.

I was actually just about to mention Ubuntu in my next post. I think I like it more than any OS that I've ever run.

Xmichra said...

zomg... lol.. haven't read in awhile, still very entertaining!!

I probably would have ruined the truck being scared like that..lol