Sunday, August 27, 2006

QUICK TAKES AND SUCH:
Just When I Thought The Job Was Going to Let Up a Bit...

... I find out I have approx. 20 piles of paperwork to muddle through online and at the office, so blogging has fallen along the wayside.

A couple of quick notes...

Somehow, through some mysterious accident, I ended up as Sar's Word Play Wednesday Reigning Inspiration and as a finalist in her Tell Me Tuesday Caption Contest. So what are you waiting for? Go vote already!

I'm booked as Sar's Guest Sept. 7, so be there or, well, be square.

Sar is also Shayna's featured guest at the My Music Highway Project this week... I'll be putting something together in the next few months for Shayna...

* * * *

Question 1:
What's the quickest way to make one of those metrosexual catalog-model wannabes laugh?

Answer:
Tell him you're a better deejay with a much better music selection, that, yes, there are frigging librarians who can get into better clubs, know more about information technologies than he does, and that that "hottie" bartender has no interest in guys who pop their collars like the villains from 80s teen flicks.

Question 2:
What's the quickest way to make one of those guys storm out of a bar like some prissy peacock?

Answer:
Prove it in under 30 seconds.

* * * *

Speaking of sexy, smart women...

Cooper asks, Jason complies.

Since everyone's favorite online Lewis Carroll reference has been getting downright spanked with all of her commitments, I've agreed to serve as a moderator/contributor for Darfur: An Unforgivable Hell on Earth.

Cooper's been doing one hell of a job balancing her offline and online commitments, so I figure anything I can do to help...

And, well, it's kinda-sorta tied to my research interests...

* * * *

Since I quoted a local IMer and forgot to edit out her major (Grrr...chica, I could kick myself in the 'nads for that...sorry), I guess I should post some of the embarrassing, often arrogant things I've said recently:


Aw, hon, if I were a female student there, I'd invest in some high-powered sex toys, lock myself in my apartment, and focus on getting my ass graduated in under three years.
- IM response to student quoted in an earlier blog post.


I'm sorry. I don't stick my dick in anything with an IQ below 120.
- To some drunk-ass woman,
insistent on shoving her tongue down my throat in an alley this weekend.
I'm sorry. I just don't do stupid women.

Aw, hell. Go home with him. From the looks of him, it'll only take a minute. And I'm sure you'll be wowed by that Four Inches of Fury he's packing...
- Said to a female friend who was being sexually harassed by a bar patron
(within earshot of the asshole.)

C'mon, dude. She's 18. Don't go there. If you drove a van, you'd look like a convicted sex offender.
- Said while talking to a very obnoxious, drunken grad student,
who thought his I'm a Tormented Genius Struggling for his Art routine was actually impressing this poor woman on a street corner.

When you've dated two women who used to fuck for a living, give me a call. Until then, get out of my face. Or I can break your wrist. Your choice, dude.
- Said to an intoxicated male who decided to question my sexuality in an alley Saturday night, who'd been 86ed from the ZenFo Pro Watering Hole of Choice for verbally abusing the bar's manager. I guess he'd decided to wait for her shift to end - a very sweet woman who is, well, underpaid and overworked, and has earned the ZenFo Pro Seal of Approval.

* * * *

Breaking News from One of the Blogosphere's Legendary Blog Readers...

Jacob's wife apparently thinks I'm hot. And I'm not your average librarian.

Why can't I attract smart, successful women, wooed by the ability to make soup well?

Oh yeah. Almost forgot.

I live in the middle-of-nowhere Ohio...

That, my friends, just made my weekend.

Thanks, Jacob.

- END -

16 comments:

pia said...

You just keep getting more experimental--and like the sex. Some man can handle it well

Have to stop---have been making horrible puns all weekend and see some really sick ones coming

Cat. said...

You make me laugh. No news-flash there.

Enjoy your piles. ...er, of work....

shayna said...

LMAO-- where do you come up with this stuff? :) :)

sassinak said...

dude i'm not sure it's that you live in oxford ohio. i think there's some crazy combination effect where one hot nerd a) can't believe she's hot and thus b) can't believe that the hot nerd she's after finds her hot as well and he of course can't imagine that a hottie like her is in fact a nerd and hot for nerds and we all pine in our little self imposed exiles.

because really, why can't *i* get a date in toronto? i'm apparently hot and my iq is far enough higher than 120 that i laugh at that number and i find nerds attractive but they? they don't talk to me at all.

it's even funnier when they find out there's a unix server in my closet, they sort of lose the ability to speak for a while...

maybe it's a way for the planet to keep the collective iq averaging under 120... *laughs ruefully*

Anonymous said...

omg this is funny shit. i swear you and i have met somewhere but i'm not sure. i used to work in a bar in oxford last year. do you drink with construction workers sometimes? and which library do you work at exactly? Curious...

cooper said...

I really appreciate the help. I'm posting at Taking Place and the Darfur blog and my regular blog and working two jobs...which is over soon...but still....
I am lazy ass.

I am fearful of the back alley's and streets of your college town Zenpro.

Miz BoheMia said...

Ha, ha, haaaa! I think were I to hang with you we would get our asses kicked were we not to bite our tongues! But the release sure makes for a great high doesn't it now?

Funkified FO SHO!

Jinnet said...

Popped collars are actually making a comeback? Ye gads.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Pia:
Thanks, chica! Yeah, I'm probably get a bit more experimental as the academic calendar drags on (why is it that almost every college town in the Midwest operates as if the town itself were part of campus?).
And, as for sex, yeah, well...it's fun ;)


Cat:
OMG...there's piles of something alright...I found memos yesterday dating back to April...and this is AFTER cleaning my office two weeks ago and shredding more documents than the Nixon White House.


Shayna:
Lol...yeah, I can be a witty fellow sometimes ;)


Sass:
Lol, yeah. The Curse of the Nerds. There is no WAY to describe how much of a turn-off it is to talk to a woman who, well, is dumber than shit. Who the hell wants to go home with someone, then wake up and go "I now feel dumb for having done that?" I got over that whole bag a DECADE ago.

A unix server? Lol. I own Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica episodes on DVD. I watch George Romero zombie flicks at least once a month. And, well, I blog...lol, I'm totally comfortable being a dork.

Anon:
Lol, yeah, I do have a tendency to drink with electricians, carpenters, plumbers, floor guys, plasterers, etc...and union organizers, truck drivers, a select group of "blue-collar"library folks...

Hmmm...drop me an email or an IM. I never talk about where I work, the name of my employer or library to, well, cover my ass and to also respect my colleagues and patrons. However, there are only 7 libraries in Oxford to choose from...;)

Coop:
No problem, chica. Anything I can do to help :)

And yeah, ifyou were to visit, I don't think I'd feel comfortable with you wandering the back alleys here.


MizB:
Lmao. Hey, the release eases a lot of tension.And being raised a Southerner, I come equipped with a silver, forked tongue...valuable asset sometimes :)

Jinnet:
Oh lord. There's a reason the Local U. earned the nickname "J. Crew U."

Yeah, the trend is disturbing. And I've seen more "vintage" Miami Vice tee shirts than I ever care to see again. I'm waiting for the students to simply show up dressed like Wham! groupies.

sassinak said...

okay now i want to write a movie entitled 'curse of the nerds' except of course that the curse will be something horrible and have to do with glasses and pocket protectors. hrm maybe i'm a dork and not a nerd... where's the line?

for well over a decade (i think i'm a touch older than you) my line has been 'if i can't talk to you over breakfast then what the fuck is the point?' and it hasn't changed.

i got into trek because my best friend in college was a trekkie. so i read all the books, then saw the movies (he made me watch them all and then took me to see whatever was in the theatre in 91 or so) and then i became a trekkie. as a kid i was all about battlestar galactica and doctor who...

Anomie-Atlanta said...

Try going to Columbus, there are some attractive, intelligent women there. Or you could join the local chapter of Mensa?

The ZenFo Pro said...

Sass:
Lmao...exactly! Who the hell wants something that's all wrapping paper and no present?


Anomie:
Hey, thanks for stopping by and dropping a comment! Lol, I do have a standing invite to crash on a few couches up around OSU...and IU and UNLV. But Mensa? Lol. They still exist?

Actually, the IQ thing was a bit tongue-and-cheek, meant to get this stupid woman away from me as quickly as possible. (And it worked.) I'm all about spontaneity and forwardness, but, yeah, not a fan of the whole "I'm drooling all over you because I'm horny and you'll do" shit.

sassinak said...

what if it were an actual hot AND brainy woman who was also drunk and horny and drooling all over you hmmm?

(and yes insides are so much more delicious than outsides can ever be. looks are a bonus, brains are a requirement)

stephan!e lee said...

"Said while talking to a very obnoxious, drunken grad student,
who thought his I'm a Tormented Genius Struggling for his Art routine was actually impressing this poor woman on a street corner."

ha, i thot maybe you were referring to a certain someone i know and i laughed at the mere thot.

;-)
-steph

The ZenFo Pro said...

Sassinak:
Lol, probably not, actually. Not really a fan of drunken sex ;)

But, yeah, brains are definitely a requirement. Sex with stupid people is just no fun, really.

Steph:
Lmao...nah, not who you're thinking of. But same disipline, I think ;)

Jinnet said...

Sadly, the "Tormented Genius Struggling for his Art" type can be found in several cities and/or several campuses. I got entangled in one such relationship long ago and it took years to get out!