Tuesday, August 22, 2006

THE OXFORD WITNESS:
Stupid Shit Overheard on the Streets of America's Strangest College Town

Random quotes from random strangers, overheard yesterday:

"Oh my God he's like sarcastic. Not even funny sarcastic. Like mean sarcastic. And like a professor or something."

~ A female undergraduate at my library's Mac workstations,
observed viewing a certain blog of a certain old, sarcastic librarian.
ANALYSIS:
Okay... if you're going to read somebody's goddamned blog at their place of employment, and you're not observant enough to look up every once and a while, observant enough to realize that said librarian/blogger is standing 10 feet away waiting for an elevator, then, well, you're probably reading the wrong fucking blog, chica.

"The line at Qdoba is like longer than my hair."

~ Female undergraduate, on her inability to
wait five frigging minutes for a veggie burrito.
ANALYSIS:
WTF?!? Seriously.

"It's just a blowjob. Not like fucking or anything. I don't know why he's mad. John does that shit all the time."

~ Overheard cell conversation outside my office.
ANALYSIS:
ZenFo Pro feels sorry for John, as now every person in the ZenFo Pro Library at approx. 1:30 yesterday knows John's girlfriend blew some random guy at a party.



"Dude, I so want to go to grad school in Cali. There's like hot Asian girls there. I've never hooked up with an Asian chick."

~ Male student, Business major.
ANALYSIS:
As a former resident of the State of California and someone who completed his undergrad there, I'm almost certain that any guy who would choose a grad school in California based on some burning desire to hook up with an "Asian chick" will be in for one hell of a shock. Most of those "Asian chicks," i.e. Korean-, Chinese-, Japanese-, Vietnamese-, and Thai-American women, probably won't go home with a guy simply because he's into some bizarre cultural sex exchange.

"I quit going out. Fuck, guys are annoying. I'd rather sit at home with a bottle of wine, watch a movie, or go home to Cleveland. If I get horny, I masturbate. I feel so lame saying that, but it's true."

~ Female student, [MAJOR DELETED], via ZFP IM
ANALYSIS:
I've often gotten into conversations with random male upperclassmen at bars, guys who, as they approach the end of their college careers, wonder why they can't seem to find "nice girls" who share their interests, i.e. beer pong, World of Warcraft, and a flare for passing out drunk in friends' houses.

Do ya really think most intelligent college-aged women in this town, as they approach the "real world," the need to sink or swim in the corporate world, want to play fucking beer pong for days on end? Please.

"I think she's a Jew. Dude, my roommates would fucking kill me if I hooked up with a Jew. That's worse than a black chick."

~ Male, overheard at Starbucks

ANALYSIS:
Some statements defy rational analysis in this town. Who the fuck are your roommates, man? And is Heinrich Himmler one of them?

If you've got friends who would judge you for dating someone of a different religion, ethnicity, etc., well, it's time to get new friends.

And I'm certain that any self-respecting Jewish woman, or African-American woman, has no desire to hook up with a chickenshit white kid, too afraid to admit that, yeah, sexual attraction needs no Affirmative Action.

See...this is why I'm waiting for the day when I open up the local paper and see that some dumbass got the bright idea to have a "Klan Rally" themed college house party, complete with an "innocent" cross-burning and white guys dressed in white robes.

I'm not kidding. One day, it'll happen.

18 comments:

brian said...

Morning Zen Fo Pro,

I have seen your comments around but haven't stopped here before. I am thinking about linking this post to Blog Stew this Sat. I am very impressed by your writing, and I also read a blog by a student at Miami. Interesting to see the different perspectives. Also wanted to comment on your prior post. I am one of those people that blog about stopping sex trafficking and abuse, but some, young girls seem to think that their bodies belong to anyone who asks.

Brian aka hummingbunny

Angel, librarian and educator said...

I have read the quotes, and some of them I am still wondering WTF even though by now I should not be surprised by college students and their antics. On the upside, for me at least, since my "main" blog is mostly professional, I have little worry any of the students will find it let alone linger at it. The "other" one, well, if they get to it, they get to it. As for the cellphone BJ provider, again, not surprised. We get them here all the time on the phone about how they have to meet their parole officer or just got out on bail for who knows what (our campus is right smack in downtown, next to the county jail and courts). And, well, cellphone conversations could make a blog all by itself. But still, poor John. If he keeps doing that "shit" to her all the time, you have to wonder why John keeps hanging out with her in the first place. It seems you have your work cut out for you, or at least plenty of more material to keep blogging. Best, and keep on blogging.

sassinak said...

i remember when i thought 35 was old and now i'm thirty five. and i don't feel old at all. ahh perspective.

i wonder if she'll respond to the bitchslap she just got.


as for mademoiselle cleveland? sing it sister.


i can't comprehend the starbucks one at all and i want to say something clever like 'in this day and age???' except i know, people are still raising their children to hate like it's a good idea while other people help fuel the hatred by throwing bombs.

got to wonder who's making money off generations of war.

*clears throat wander back to topic*

yeah klan party! *cries*

cooper said...

"Oh my God he's like sarcastic. Not even funny sarcastic. Like mean sarcastic. And like a professor or something."

This is why I go to NYU, I've never heard such shit here.

"It's just a blowjob. Not like fucking or anything. I don't know why he's mad. John does that shit all the time."

Now that I've heard.



"I quit going out. Fuck, guys are annoying. I'd rather sit at home with a bottle of wine, watch a movie, or go home to Cleveland. If I get horny, I masturbate. I feel so lame saying that, but it's true."

Now that I can understaned.;)


"I think she's a Jew. Dude, my roommates would fucking kill me if I hooked up with a Jew. That's worse than a black chick."

Another reason I prefer NYU.

Sar said...

Congratulations, ZenFo, with this post, you're the The Brawl's new Reigning WPW Inspiration!

It's amazing how utterly small minded some people are, but it's entertaining when you recount and analyze it. :)

Jemima said...

This is so eye opening! Hilarious. You could halt wars before they start with this technique of analysis. If only anyone who needed the advice was listening.

Ally said...

OMG! This is too funny. Right on. Yeah doesn't shock me at all coming from miami ppl. my suitemate dated a guy from there last year. i dated a few who went to miami in high school and they were nice guys but omg! there are some major assholes that drive up to columbus some weekends for football games.

LIKE SNAKES on a MOTHAFUCKIN PLANE!

Oh and btw Go Buckeyes.

xmichra said...

Whoa. Nice little rant you got going there.. hehe. Follwed the link posted at Sar's (congrats)... and all i can say is whoa!

Seriously sad, and so funny it's sad. People never seem to fail me when looking for a subject to be disgusted with.

Miz BoheMia said...

That blowjob thing is just fucking ridiculous! And I would say that for any self-respecting woman it is actually a very vulnerable and intimate act... "just a blowjob"! I would like to tell her where to stick it!

As for the premonition, you might have just given them the idea! Ha, ha, ha, haaa! Watch it amigo mio! ;-P

G said...

That would be a funny movie moment - you observing blogger insulting your own blog as you await elevator's arrival. Anyway, I see why Sar recognized this post as her Inspirational - all around great observations.

Voodoo Child said...

I'm waiting for the day when I open up the local paper and see that some dumbass got the bright idea to have a "Klan Rally" themed college house party

Shouldn't be too much longer now, and will be great press with the school's fairly new low-income tuition assistance program.

Sar said...

ZenFo, congratulations are yet again in order - you've made the finals in the caption contest this week!

People are going to think I'm playing favorites. ;)

shayna said...

LOL! You seem to hear it all in your line of work! :) :)

Joanna said...

Man, after the crappy couple of days I've had, I just KNEW that you'd have something here to make me laugh! I'm so glad I don't have to deal with the same group of kiddos that you do!

The ZenFo Pro said...

See, this is what happens when I leave the cyber-homestead for a whole day... ;)

Brian:
Hey, thanks for stopping by. And feel free to link as you wish. Thanks for the comliment, too ;)

Angel:
Lol, write one little post about a fling...or, er, five, and it's amazing how many folks suddenly find a blog interesting. I guess I've come to appreciate the fact that, well, I piss a lot of LIS folks off and I guess there are enough people who've had such terrible customer service in public and academic libraries (the o. 1 reason usually cited for IMing me with a library-type question), I guess I don't mind pissing LIS folks off every now and then...especially since several can't seem to understand the whole "I live my life/work in a library" concept.

The cell thing is actually a major problem at most libraries these days. I don't believe in banning their use in libraries (in my position, I often have to answer mine in the stacks, for example) but I think there's a disconnect in terms of development of tech responsibility and ethics.

As for John, yeah, it happens often. A friend refers to the stairwell beside my office as "Heartbreak Ridge," because she's overheard enough steamy break-ups in that stairwell to qualify as bad porn...

Sass:
Lol, probably won't respond. I think a lot of college students are simply fascinated hearing a librarian use the word "fuck," content to treat my blog as a local version of Gawker.

And the "roommates don't like Jews" thing? I've heard much worse come out of some folks mouths around here. It's the age and supposed education level that gets to me, usually....

Cooper:
See, this is the reason why I sooo wish there were a job opening in NYC ;)

Sar:
AWESOME! I'm actually working on my Brawl right now!

Jvs:
Lol, thanks for stopping by. And, oh yeah, trust me...it's hard to keep a straight face some days in these here parts ;)

Ally:
Yeah, there are a few nice guys at the Local U. Not all are assholes, definitely.

And, lol, I'm tired of these muthafuckin' snakes on this plane ;)


xmichra:
Whoa is right. There are days I feel like I'm in the Village of the Entitled Damned...

MizB:
Oh, lord, one day I may be brave enough to actually write some of the truelly HORRENDOUS stuff I've heard younger women say around here. For instance, I've met women who've forged STD tests (one woman caught the Clap) simply because she didn't want her boyfriend finding out she'd been cheating on him (hello? why else would a boyfriend ask for a VD test?). This is mild, sadly.

G:
Lol. Hey thanks for the compliment and thanks for stopping by to say hi! Sar's folks are always welcome here :)

VC:
Lol, I dunno. I'mhoping that element is actually "downsized" to make room for a more diverse pop.

Sar:
Hot damn!!!

Shayna:
Lmao! Yeah. Trust me, YEAH ;)

Joanna:
Oh, I'm so sorry chica! Hope ya feel better and glad I made ya laugh :D

Angel, librarian and educator said...

Hey, keep pissing off the LIS folks. They certainly need to have their cage rattled now and then. It is amazing what a little writing can do. If I could have convinced a few more of my comp students back in the day of that little truth. Oh well. Best, and keep on blogging.

weirsdo said...

Thanks for that great insight. Once here at Veryred State University Dr. Weirsdo and I were treated to a young white male undergraduate in the booth behind ours complaining about how black people vote against their interests (i. e. not Republican). Dr. Weirsdo went over, leaned over his booth, and asked him why he wasn't over fighting in Iraq for the Cause.

I'm here from Dewy/Brian's Blog Stew. Am proud to say I never heard quite such inanity while at a quite different Ohio college.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Angel:
Lol...are we allowed to lock some of them in a cage? Maybe a giant padded one? ;)

Weirsdo:
That's so funny it's, well, sad. One of the big "missing links" in Higher Ed seems to be common sense. You can't teach it, one cannot evaluate or critique it, and it certainly can't be offered as a for credit course.

Lol, I tend to pick up on more random things because, unlike a lot of folks who work in Oxford these days, I actually live here. And I rarely have to deal with the "shhh! Here comes the prof" stuff, either, primarily because, apparently, I look like a student. I wear tee shirts and jeans (I hate ties) to work, use phrases like "hella cool" "badass" and "dude!" in meetings, and my office is frequently filled with hip-hop grooves. Lol, when I'm out for a night on the town, I've had coworkers walk right by me...

Hey, thanks so much for stopping by :D