Wednesday, May 31, 2006

OXFORD CONFIDENTIAL:
Hamiltucky* Woman, Stay Away from Me...

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- Last October, I almost did something very stupid, something that went beyond the usual ZenFo Pro stupid.

Hmm...

How do I describe this gently, subtly...

Um, well, I can't. Sometimes, it's best just to be blunt.

I almost became a quick, relationship-escape-hatch fling for a SEBM (see definition below) . I'm not too proud of the fact. I am, proud, however, that the almost part is more important than the fling part...

Yeah, nothing happened.

SEBM - abbrev., as in Somebody Else's Baby Mama.
Living in a small town is a bitch. Living in a small town where one continuously runs into people better left unseen is a bitch and a half.

But living in a small town and running into someone you'd hoped to never see again is a bitch, three dog farts, and a goat turd all rolled into one.

I'm picking up cigarettes at the filling station tonight. I shoot the shit with the cashier, as I do every time I'm in the place. Walking back to my car, I hear somebody start to honk their horn at the stoplight on the corner.

I glance over quickly. Some girl in a Camaro is waving at somebody...

Who the fuck is she waving at...? I'm the only one here...

Oh fuck.

I wish I hadn't looked.

The hair's different (was jet-black but now has a purplish tint), and I don't remember the lip piercing. I recognize damn near everything else, however.

Now, I could've done the adult thing - I probably should've just waved back, hollered some acceptable salutation back, and backed away slowly.

But no, I had to be a dumbass. I pretended that I didn't recognize the woman behind the wheel of the car, walked back to the ZenFoPromobile, and got the fuck out of Dodge.

I get three blocks before the frigging Camaro's behind me, flashing headlights and, again, more honking.

I pull over in the parking lot of a fast food joint. No clue what to expect. Not sure what to say, really...

What does one say, exactly, to a completely nucking-futs woman who used you as an excuse to break up with a kid's dad? Or told the same guy that we'd been sleeping together for months?

A guy who's been in and out of jail, who may or may not still be a bit pissed.

And I didn't do anything. Nothing happened.

Ya spread a bunch of gossip, make up a bunch of shit, and now you want to have a chat in front of the KFC? You're completely fucked in the head, lady.

For fuck's sake...

The woman gets out of the car and walks over towards my pick-up.

Yup. No mistaken identity on my part...it's "Chase."

Shit.

No mistaken identity...

The woman just stares at me for a few seconds, then apologizes. Said something about thinking I was somebody else. She gets back in her car and drives off.

Okay... I've lost a bit of weight since October and I no longer have the beard I used to grow out every few months or so. My hair's a bit longer, and it's dusk, too.

For once in my life, a completely batshit woman from my past failed to recognize me months later.

Oh, now that's fucking awesome. FUCKING AWESOME!

I laughed, started the pick-up, and kept on trucking to the store to pick up some supplies...



* For a definition Hamiltucky, check out the Urban Dictionary definition.




6 comments:

Smurf said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
cooper said...

I guess you can consider the fact that you're luck maybe changing. ;)

KFigment said...

Chewie said it best. Your life is the plot of a really bad porn movie. Only you can get into these situations. I love you for it but DAMN!!!!!

Only you can stop the insanity!!!!!!

Smurf said...

You are right, small towns do suck, I can give you lots of examples for why I think so or can relate... and Its pretty cool she didn't recognize you! That's awesome!

Cowgirl said...

Awesome. Wish I was that lucky.

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