Thursday, March 09, 2006

AMERICA'S DUMBEST COLLEGE TRADITION:
Green Beer Day, Date Rapes, and Abuse of the Phrase College Experience

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- On my way to work this morning, I was groped by a drunk female college student.

At 6 a.m., while leaving a coffee shop with my morning cup of dark roast, a young woman in a green tee shirt asked me if I'd like to do some jello shots.

When I tried to explain that I was on my way to work, the student grabbed my junk and offered a blowjob in exchange for sneaking her into a bar.

Let me tell you, nothing is a quicker turn-off than an underage alcoholic with no boundaries. I don't think there's enough Viagra in the world to get me in the mood for oral sex from a woman who reeks of overpriced perfume and ultra-light beer.

Every year, the Thursday before Miami's Spring Break, many local students celebrate what is perhaps the stupidest college tradition in the United States - Green Beer Day.

Supposedly, the "holiday" is meant to be an early celebration of St. Patrick's Day, though I doubt its origins share anything in common with the St. Paddy's celebrations in cities like Boston, Chicago, and San Francisco.

Only in Oxford could a cultural tradition be degraded to the point of almost mockery. Sure, St. Patrick's Day is about getting your drink on. Its about shamrocks and shenanigans. But its also about pride.

As someone who's toasted the Patron Saint in about a dozen cities in a half-dozen states in recent years, I see nothing that resembles a decent party.

Three years ago, I spent the day hitting just about every bar, saloon, and tavern in Butte, Montana - a city that bills itself as being Ireland's Fifth Province.

Yes, I did indeed get my drink on. Sure, I spent most of St. Patrick's Day completely hammered.

But I took the time to enjoy Butte's culture - the reason the city makes such a big deal out of the holiday. I took in the folk music, the food, and listened to stories about Butte's Copper Kings, unions and strikebreakers, and ties to the mother country.

I watched, in utter amazement, as a Baby Boomer and her immigrant grandfather danced to the Dropkick Murphys. This woman's grandfather was a retired copper miner. He only had three fingers remaining on his left hand.

I'm convinced that that old man in western Montana must be the coolest Grandpa in the world. Where else in this country does one find senior citizens dancing to punk music?

Green Beer Day has little of that charm and none of the class; it is nothing more than an excuse for people to binge drink and to celebrate the completely batshit belief that the phrase college experience can be used to justify damned near anything.

Today alone, I've heard enough sirens to remind me of the worst part of my former city life. At lunch, I watched a fratboy chug four or five mugs in under a minute, throw up, and keep drinking.

I have met three different women, locally, who claim to have been sexually assaulted during Green Beer Day celebrations. I'm certain, being that the local U. already has an acquaintance rape problem of pandemic proportions, there will be more such acts this year.

Like I said, there's an element of pride that goes along with St. Patrick's Day. For the Irish-American and Irish-influenced communities across the country, it's a cultural celebration.

I don't see anything in Oxford's annual preemptive drunkfest that even resembles pride.

Welcome to Green Beer Day in Oxford, Ohio - America's dumbest college tradition.


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9 comments:

Ms. Monkeythong said...

You mean they actually need an excuse at Miami to binge drink?

Anonymous said...

fuck u dude gbd rocks cock drunk chics rock

Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

eww have fun sounds absolutely nauseating.

Kim said...

seriously who the fuck cares what you think abou Green Beer Day. its unfair to blame ppl for wanting to unwind a bit. where the fuck did you go to school anyway?
There's nothing wrong with MU students wanting to do jello shots either. You're 27 you're just too old to understand.

EsotericWombat said...

So wait... there's a celebration named after the most insipid thing about St. Patrick's Day? That should be telling enough. Seriously, fuck that.

The Dropkick Murphys play at a pub in Boston every St Patricks Day. My kingdom for a fake!

Anonymous said...

I know for one I hate Green Beer Day. Thank god somebody's writing about this bullshit in this town. Not going to see anything this honest in fucking facebook.

And yeah I'm a Miami student. Just so ya know, you were drinking in M&Js tonight with two guys. Not a stalker...promise :)

~ Erin

Smurf said...

Ah, So, Kaylee was born on Green Beer day... this is a piece of information I didnt know.. LOL... very interesting! ;P I always thought any green beer or any celebration like that was strictly on St Patty's day, shows how much I know eh? The funniest part of that is I am Irish American. I am 57 Heintz variety, but out of all the brands I have in me blood, Irish be the strongest I got in me blood. ;P Seriously, my mother's Maiden name is McIntire, her mother's maiden Name is McKnight, Manning is Irish, there was some code of arms from Ireland traced there and then my grandmother you met, or you took me to see when she was in the hospital before she died, her maiden name was McClain. Also there is an Irish lullaby that was passed down from Ireland that my mom's mom sang to her and she sang to me and I sing to my kids... I am sure you have heard a variety of the song, "Tulra lura lura, tulra lura lie, tulra lura lura, it's an Irish lullabye...When Irish Eyes are smilin' short is like a mornin' spring, with a tilt of Irish laughter you can hear the angels sing.... Tulra lura lura..." now the one that my mom and grandmother sing is a bit different than the one that was big and popular years back.. but its still similar. Anyways, I found this post very interesting... Thanks again Jay, for a great post. :)

The ZenFo Pro said...

MM:
Lol...yeah. Like I said, dumbest college holiday in America.

Anon:
Umm...thanks for sharing. Dumbass. Don't read blogs while obviously intoxicated. Drunk chicks rock?

Alice:
It is pretty nauseating. The smell Friday morning wasn't to pleasant either.

Kim:
27 is too old to understand stupidity? Thank goodness I'm not, like, really old...like 30...

Wombat:
See, that's the point. It is the dumbest part of St. Patrick's Day. Only tourists drink green beer, the rest go out and get a decent bottle of whiskey, drink a few Black and Tans, and catch some nice music. I'm sure there are at least a few students here who believe that those millions of Irish who fled to this country came here for the jello shots...yeah, that's the point...sure... :)

Anon 2:
Thanks for the local support. 2 bashings, 1 in agreement...not bad...
Yup, I owed a few students a couple of pitchers for a hard week's work. No worries. I think I know who you are, given there were only about seven people in M&J's last night...

Smurf:
Hey, thanks. Will get up with ya soon, hon.

Anonymous said...

Green Beer Day t-shirts are like heirlooms - especially good ones. I saw one in Rotterdam, Holland last summer while backpacking. Got mine this past year at www.greenbeerday.com