OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- On my way to work this morning, I was groped by a drunk female college student.
At 6 a.m., while leaving a coffee shop with my morning cup of dark roast, a young woman in a green tee shirt asked me if I'd like to do some jello shots.
When I tried to explain that I was on my way to work, the student grabbed my junk and offered a blowjob in exchange for sneaking her into a bar.
Let me tell you, nothing is a quicker turn-off than an underage alcoholic with no boundaries. I don't think there's enough Viagra in the world to get me in the mood for oral sex from a woman who reeks of overpriced perfume and ultra-light beer.
Every year, the Thursday before Miami's Spring Break, many local students celebrate what is perhaps the stupidest college tradition in the United States - Green Beer Day.
Supposedly, the "holiday" is meant to be an early celebration of St. Patrick's Day, though I doubt its origins share anything in common with the St. Paddy's celebrations in cities like Boston, Chicago, and San Francisco.
Only in Oxford could a cultural tradition be degraded to the point of almost mockery. Sure, St. Patrick's Day is about getting your drink on. Its about shamrocks and shenanigans. But its also about pride.
As someone who's toasted the Patron Saint in about a dozen cities in a half-dozen states in recent years, I see nothing that resembles a decent party.
Three years ago, I spent the day hitting just about every bar, saloon, and tavern in Butte, Montana - a city that bills itself as being Ireland's Fifth Province.
Yes, I did indeed get my drink on. Sure, I spent most of St. Patrick's Day completely hammered.
But I took the time to enjoy Butte's culture - the reason the city makes such a big deal out of the holiday. I took in the folk music, the food, and listened to stories about Butte's Copper Kings, unions and strikebreakers, and ties to the mother country.
I watched, in utter amazement, as a Baby Boomer and her immigrant grandfather danced to the Dropkick Murphys. This woman's grandfather was a retired copper miner. He only had three fingers remaining on his left hand.
I'm convinced that that old man in western Montana must be the coolest Grandpa in the world. Where else in this country does one find senior citizens dancing to punk music?
Green Beer Day has little of that charm and none of the class; it is nothing more than an excuse for people to binge drink and to celebrate the completely batshit belief that the phrase college experience can be used to justify damned near anything.
Today alone, I've heard enough sirens to remind me of the worst part of my former city life. At lunch, I watched a fratboy chug four or five mugs in under a minute, throw up, and keep drinking.
I have met three different women, locally, who claim to have been sexually assaulted during Green Beer Day celebrations. I'm certain, being that the local U. already has an acquaintance rape problem of pandemic proportions, there will be more such acts this year.
Like I said, there's an element of pride that goes along with St. Patrick's Day. For the Irish-American and Irish-influenced communities across the country, it's a cultural celebration.
I don't see anything in Oxford's annual preemptive drunkfest that even resembles pride.
Welcome to Green Beer Day in Oxford, Ohio - America's dumbest college tradition.
Butte, Montana, Green Beer Day, Irish-Americans, Oxford, Ohio, St. Patrick's Day
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