Friday, May 25, 2007

AND IN HEALTH NEWS TONIGHT:
A 29-Year-Old and His Spleen...

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- So they finally figured out why my left nut was swollen, why I've felt downright icky for three weeks, why I've been sleeping 14-18 hours a day, and why my lymph nodes were swollen to twice their normal size.

And it only took hundreds of dollars in insurance copays, about a pint's worth of blood and gallons of urine, one trip to the ER, one trip to the urologist, and three trips to the ol' ZenFo Pro physician.

Mono.

As in mononucleosis, known as glandular fever to the rest of the world, the so-called Kissing Disease.

Er...

Yup.

* * * *

My first reaction was, of course, thank God its not what I thought it was.

When the ol' spleen swells like a balloon and the under-skin bumpy things start bulging, so many nasty, nasty things come to mind. I come from a family with a rather nasty history involving prostate cancer and leukemia. And then, well, there's a certain three-letter abbreviation that, when followed by a plus sign, scares the living shit out of sexually active young adults... not even going to go there.

My second reaction?

Jeebus. I'm 29 years old. How the hell does a 29-year-old librarian get Mono?!?

And what the hell do you mean I need to get more bed rest? Holy hell! I've got a career.
And it's summer, which means I can date locally without having to worry about asking for I.D....

I can't do that, either? Holy shit.


* * * *

And then I thought back to where I could've caught it.

Actually, I searched the ol' blog. When the memory fails, there's always the written record. One of my archival science professors used to preach that constantly in grad school...

And I found what I was looking for. Yup, in one of the Quotations posts.

Fairly certain that any woman who could leave me with Hamilton Hash Marks could also be the one who unknowingly delivered unto me my plague.

There was, from what I remember, eight hours' worth of making out involved (I'm not known for being a quick foreplay guy) - plenty of time for contagions to infiltrate the ol' immune system...

In all fairness, it could also possibly be from the woman who puked all over me at my friends' party a while back, briefly mentioned in another April post.

A lot of saliva floating around in the corn and cheap booze she projected...

Dude, when the hell did you become Mr. CSI? You're a fucking librarian, dude. Don't do that. It's unhealthy.

There's no sense in trying to figure it out, Matlock. Look, it's like the Doc told you - it's going around Oxford like wildfire. Could be from anywhere, and anyone.


* * * *

And do you know what the most embarrassing thing is?

I've been asked out three times this week. THREE TIMES!

Once by a woman who was sunbathing in the park this afternoon. Bummed her a cigarette, made her laugh a couple of times, and, she asked me if I'd be interested in going out sometime. She sees me in my library all the time, and figured, well, since I was outside of work and we were both single...

A very attractive blonde. In a bikini. Reading H.G. Wells - for fun.

A woman who indicated that her roommates had left her alone in their big ol' apartment for the summer...

Aw, dammit.


* * * *

Anyway. Quick health update.

While I didn't bother to ask the doctor about it, I'm fairly certain you, dear reader, cannot catch mono from reading this blog post.

- # # # -

18 comments:

Cat. said...

Dude, get thee to a bed...er, to SLEEP, goob! Really. Now. No more workin' till you've slept at least 40 hours.

(though not quite old enough to me your mom--thank god--I'm playing the Mom Card)

Cat. said...

me = be

Can't type. Maybe I've got mono too. ;-)

Jessica said...

Peaches (heh):
Glad to hear that it isn't anything too serious - but it does kinda put a damper on your summer fun plans. My (much older) boyfriend's two teenage sons just had the Big M as well. How I've managed to escape mono all these years, I'll never know.

And, I might as well play the mom card as well; I do hope you are being careful (ahem). Hear me, young man? You're one of my favorite librarian bloggers - we need to keep the ranks of cool librarians alive and well.

Peace Out,
CL

xboxgirl said...

You poor thing {gives a hug and a virtual peck on the cheek, to keep from catching anything}.

That bug [like other viruses] will stay floating in the body {while usually dormant} for life, and it is kind of strange that you didn't catch it years ago, since you live in a town chalk full of 18-20something year olds.

cooper said...

I've had it, it sucks.

Feel better and do get some rest.

I'm glad it ws that because there were a lot of things going through my mind.

How could they not have figured that out earlier?

xboxgirl said...

TO: Jessica you might have had it already, as in you might have caught it when you were little
{mono is pretty mild to young kids}, if so you would now be immune.

Xmichra said...

lol.. sorry hun but that is just not something fun,however it is kinda cosmicly funny... this is the universes way of saying slow the hell down boy! hehe.

I hope you get better soon though, mono can take a long time to get out of your system..and can be pretty serious. hopefully the doctors have caught the bad part.

Get lots of rest, and the summer will still be there 3 to 6 weeks later ;)

EsotericWombat said...

damn. hope you feel better, dude.

If we could catch social diseases via the web I think we'd all be in trouble.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Cat:
Lol, as soon as I told the folks in my library's administrative office, I went home and did just that :)

Jessica:
Lmao. Not feelin' too peachy, but hey...finally forced to burn up some sick days...

Apparently, I'm on the older end of those who usually get a full-blown case... past 30, 35 most docs figure you must've been exposed earlier and just didn't know.

Yup. Sucks. And thanks!

Xbox:
Yep. Nothing wrong with that, I guess. And I figure the dormant critters can keep whatever remains of the West Nile critters company...

Actually, I'm surprised by the results. One of my close family friends - someone I've shared everything from motel beds to toothbrushes with - has chronic Epstein Barr. Odds are, she should've given me the sucker.

Cooper:
Lol, after getting the first round of Anthem statements outlining the first few charges, I'm just glad I had insurance. (We're talking more than a grand billed to the insurers for a trip to the emergency room and follow-ups.)

I figure that, well, a lot of it happens to be the circumstances. Medical practice is tied to community. And there are tons of strange illnesses that show up in college communities, most often dealing with substance abuse and STDs. Easy to overlook.


Xmichra:
Lol, yup. It kinda gets funnier the more and more I think about it. And it is a bit of a relief.

3-6 weeks? Shit. Thank god for DVDs.

Wombat:
Thanks, man.

HC said...

Well that sucks. hey meant to invite you out to a party this weekend but i guess ha you're not available huh.

Amy said...

wait you made out with someone for eight hours

???

that's impressive. though i've heard your game is pretty intense one on one. heh. hope you feel better :-)

The ZenFo Pro said...

HC:
Well, long time no see there :) Yeah, out of commission and in seclusion at the ZenFoPro Cave this weekend, just as I have for the past few weeks.

Yup. Sucks. But it's not horrible. Catching up on a lot of reading.

(lol. I had someone text message me asking if I was just claiming to have mono as an excuse not to hang out...)

Amy:
Um.

Yeah.

That's odd?

Hmmm... Intense? That's a new one on me. Lol, but thanks.

cooper said...

Maybe so but Mono is pretty prevalent in the college population.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Coop:
True, but, lol, I'm not a student, either.

coyotemike said...

I have to do it. I shouldn't, but I can't resist.

"I once thought I had mono for a whole year. Turned out I was just really bored"

(Apologies if I fucked up the quote)

The ZenFo Pro said...

Mike:

Lol.

Waynes World. The first one. I think.

Bob Patterson said...

All I'm going to say is that I continue to live vicariously through you.

"I've been asked out three times this week. THREE TIMES!"

Sigh.

Despite the fact that I'm married, I can't even get a gay man to ask me out. Much less a woman.

Anyhow, I hear a vodka tonic calling so get well!

~BCP

The ZenFo Pro said...

Bob:
Lol. Trustme, I was just as shocked.

See... at least you can drink. Me? I'm on a no drinky-drinky until Sunday...

Sigh.