Friday, May 26, 2006

SEX AND THE ZENFO PRO:
The Numbers Game, Threesomes, and the Well-Intentioned Elderly

Why oh why has everyone and their mother, in the offline world, become so damned fascinated with my sexual history?

* * *

Last week, somebody asked me, point-blank, how many women I've, well...you know...

Apparently, I guess I give off this vibe that I fuck just about anything that moves.

I didn't answer the question. Only a few select people know the answer to that question, actually.

I used to answer the question openly and honestly. Then, I got burned a few times in relationships for answering sincerely.

Last summer, I was seeing this girl. It was one of these rather passionate affairs. At one point, she blurted out that she'd been with five people. Then she asked how many women I'd been with. She had a rather cute, michievious grin on her face asking the question.

She wasn't smiling after I answered the question. Things went downhill from there...

For some people, sex is about quantity over quality. When that quantity is too large a figure, the whole aspect of quality gets lost. Quality of one's sex life - measured not in numbers but examined holistically, over time - is so much more important.

I've only asked one woman how many sex partners she's had.

She nonchalantly replied with a rather large number, broken down by years she'd been sexually active (75 per year, male and female, over more than a decade), excluding any sex act that did not involve penetration of orifices below the waist.

She also admitted that she'd only gotten off about 20 percent of the time, about 30 or so were pity/sympathy fucks, and quite a few were completely worthless, quick-release sorta things.

Who cares how many people you've slept with when you're just going through the motions 80 percent of the time?

Sure, I've been passed around only slightly less than a tent revival collection plate - the majority of those experiences occurred when I was in my younger.

But what the hell does a number prove, anyway? That a guy/gal can fucking count?

* * *

While out for lunch earlier this week, somebody - a regular at a bar I frequent - asked me if I was screwing one or more of female bartenders. A conversation about a certain project at my library went from professional to junior high in under 60 seconds.

Apparently, he'd heard things. Something about a threesome, strip poker, and Jack Daniels.

My first thought was Dude, if my love life were that exciting...

Besides, if anything like that had happened, well, it's not like I'd tell some 50-year old guy about it. I'm not too big a fan of guys who use the phrase get some pussy in casual conversation. A woman is so much more than a vagina, and sex is so much more than simply a penis entering a vaginal wall.

I've figure there's a reason why guys like this exist - somebody has to be the asshole.

Hell, and I'm a guy saying that...

* * *

Last night, I had to drive out to the local Wally World to pick up some allergy meds...

At one point, I'm standing in front of this bodywash section... hadn't noticed I was standing next to the Wall O' Condoms.

This elderly woman - out of the fucking blue - taps me on the shoulder and tells me that it's very responsible of me to be buying condoms and that I shouldn't be embarrassed, because sex is a beautiful thing.

We're talking a very elderly woman, easily in her 80s, maybe early 90s, wearing a sweet-old-church-lady hat with a big ol' red purse.

She insisted on helping me pick out prophylactics and told me she did the same thing for her grandsons.

I feel very sorry for her grandsons.

When I was younger, I'd get embarrassed buying condoms. I'll admit it. The first time I bought a box of condoms, I was 19. The first time I actually acquired a box, I shoplifted them from a drugstore at 16.

But there is no embarrassment quite like having an elderly woman say, in public, that you're a nice looking young man that needs something to make my girl feel special.

I told this woman that I wasn't exactly looking to buy condoms. She completely ignored me. I mumbled something and she stuck a box - a big friggin' box - in my hand. And then she went back to shopping and left me standing there, looking like a complete dumbass.

The worst part is that I know this woman. She frequently attends functions held by my library. I've even helped her carry books to her car last year.

I'm honestly hoping this is some wierd Granny fetish and that I wasn't singled out because of where I work.

I do not want to have a Did the Supras Fit Right, dear? conversation at my library's next big gala...

13 comments:

Ms. Monkeythong said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ms. Monkeythong said...

Jason, Jason, Jason..how do you get into such quandries? :-)

Damn, I wish that was MY grandma (and I had a pretty cool grandma)! If someone, ANYONE had told me that "Sex is a beautiful thing" when I was growing up, I would be a much less neurotic person today.

Cooth said...

Actually, I think it proves that you can count fucking.

Anonymous said...

Now it's MY turn to say "Jason, Jason, Jason." Will you EVER give up fast women?? ;-)

I started snickering early on in your post. I was howling by the time I got to the little old lady. LOL!!!!

What would the blogosphere be without you??

BTW, nice biceps. ;-)


DCS

Anonymous said...

Are you trying to tell us you are Supra Sized Jason?


I have never felt questions about how many people have you fucked, when put out there in general conversation, are worthy of an answer.

I of course couldnot " boast " seventy - five" . LOL

I think there is something about Ohio that brings out the weirdness in people, whatever... you sure do seem to run in to them.

Or maybe it is librarians not Ohio.

cooper said...

that was me Jason.
lol

Miz BoheMia said...

Ha, ha, haaa! Only to you Jason, do these things happen!

The "how many" question....

Well, those of you who read me know my number and the whys and wherefores, blah, blah, blah....

I think those who ask and then are miffed are insecure. I will be the first to admit that in my early days with the Loverboy I asked and he wisely did not answer. I have had many, MANY, insecurities come out over the years but I have seen them as that and always prefaced my questions with... "OK, this is because I feel insecure again and such and such issue is fucking me up in the head so bear with me and help me through it!" At which point we would talk about it and with time it has gotten better... but I think for me there is a naivete and a lack of understanding of certain things since I am wired weirdly and when your experience is limited then...

So yes, you are right and oh the games we play in this thing called love... or should I say sex? ;-P Have a good weekend amigo!

Smurf said...

lol, that would be horribly embarrasing. horribly... omg... lol... I can't believe someone up there asked you if you are "super... er supra sized" omg... a lot of times when boys grow into men they learn and realize that there is much more to a relationship and more value to a woman than sex...granted .. its a BONUS, but there is a lot more. Its been really nice talking to you lately and seeing some of how you think by reading your thoughts on things lately J. I really do enjoy how you think... You have an incredible mind!

Cowgirl said...

I'm sure she is talking about you at her next Red Hat Society meeting.

LMAO.

Let said...

I've always wondered why people bother counting how many people they have been with. I mean, what exactly is the point of that number? What does it mean?

Personally, any guy who tells me how many women he's been with in any sort of context basically kills any chance of adding me to his list.

One of the few traditional sort of thoughts I have is that you don't kiss and tell. You sure as hell don't fuck and blog about it. But that's just me. No offense Zen.

Leigh said...

I wonder how many men that old woman has come up to and shoved a box of condoms in their hands or shopping carts - I wonder if they have a support group for that sort of thing.

KFigment said...

One day I want to follow you around and just watch and see how it is you get into some of the situations that you do. I love you for it and know that it is part of your charm. Which is probably why the quantity is something that is always in question with you.

People never think about the person that is in the long term relationship an having sex like bunnies. Now that I am getting old I can freely admit that some of the relationships have been in are strictly for sex but when you put that "relationship" label on it somehow it is ok.

I have watched my own numbers go up over the years and I am sure that they will continue to do so. I don't regret any one and each and every person that has shared that with me has taught me something about myself.

I guess what it boils down to is it is all about perspective. No one ever asks you what did you learn from that sexual experience or that person. No one ever asks if it meant something. J I say that you should take it from the little old lady. Sex is a beautiful thing and it doesn't matter if it is # 1 or # 100 the only person that has to be ok with that is you.

zydeco fish said...

She could have at least offered to buy the box for you.