Monday, November 21, 2005

When Seemingly Good Boyfriends Turn Out to Be Total Bastards:
Patron Privacy Trumps Personal Disgust

I see this gorgeous doe-eyed girl in my library all the time. She's in there maybe two or three days a week, either studying on a couch or reading at a table.

She's there long hours. I've gone into work well past nine, she's on her laptop in a corner. I go in early in the morning, she's asleep with her head resting on her hand.

occasionally, while she's in there, this guy comes up - I assume he's her boyfriend, given the way she behaves whenever he's around. Its the way they touch that gives it away. Putting her head in his lap when the pair lounge together on a sofa. Tugging on his ear. Those kinds of things.

I've seen the pair together at least once a week for the past few months.

Kind of cute to see young love in the ol' library. Livens the place up a bit.

Today, I saw the girl. Sitting by herself. All day. The guy finally shows up. She gets excited, they snuggle together, blatant PDA but tolerable.

Then, tonight, less than three hours later, I see the same guy again while I'm filling up at a gas station.

Same guy, very different girl.

They're standing in the doorway of said gas station. Guy's got one hand on the different girl's ass. This different girl has her head on this guy's shoulder.

As I walk in the store to pick up some cigarettes, I notice the guy carrying a pack of my brand and a box of condoms. He grins at me.

Yeah. I know this kind of guy. I should shrug it off, as I've seen this breed before at least a million times, coast-to-coast, sea to shining sea. But I keep thinking about this gorgeous doe-eyed girl who's probably still studying somewhere or eating dinner or writing a paper or something.

And I wonder if the guy realizes that I've probably walked past him a hundred times.

If the guy in question happens to be one of the Oxford readers who frequent this blog, well, let me break him off a little piece...

Just a little bit...

Anybody who knows me knows I'm a bastard, but I've never been this kind of total bastard. Call me a dork, nerd, old-fashioned, or whatever, but why the hell are you going to act a fool and step out on a girl who spends her time studying in a library with a woman who seems to have the personality of a bobble-head?

Why would anybody cheat on a person who obviously knows where she's going in life (hint: smart people use a library)?

I feel its my ethical responsibility to not only protect patron privacy but to also respect it, so you're secret's safe, holmes. Notice I haven't described what you look like, or what you're were wearing, or what either of the girls look like. That's intentional.

Because of my sense of ethical responsibility, I can't walk up to that doe-eyed girl in my library and tell her her boyfriend is a complete duchebag or even what I witnessed - not that it would matter if I did anyway, because who's going to take the word of a complete stranger?

Now, next time I see this beautiful young woman sitting by herself, looking at her watch, I'm going to feel like a complete an utter chump.

Damn, I hate ethical dilemmas.


KFigment said...

This as with all things in your life will turn you into a pile of mush. You will keep the asswipes secret because that is the kind of man you are, but when you see the tears streaming down the girls face (and you know you will) you will walk up to her hand her a tissue and ask her if she wants to talk. You will tell her to get out of the library for a little bit and being you offer a cup of coffee, your treat. You will let her cry on your shoulder and tell her that it is ok men are scum and when he finally grows up and realizes the great girl he lost how much of an ass he will feel like. You will make the girl feel better and she will smile warmly at you whenever she sees you and it will always touch your heart.

Why do I know this about you because you were the asswipe and at some point in your life you did look back and still do. Now that is part of you and you will always wonder what you let go.

Girl on the Blog said...

Been that girl... but in life... there are always assholes. Life's lessons...

G said...

J, homes, I hear you. And this one tears me. Part of me says if I were in your shoes bro, I'd go give a shot at picking her up myself - a little theft action to give it to the bastard where he deserves it, you know?

But another part of me (damn conscience) says that may not work if doe-eyes is right under the bastard's spell. At that point you'd feel even more of a chump. Tough situation. Best you can do is find a way to shrug it off, sit back, and enjoy the show - because you know she'll figure it out eventually. No guy is that good at hiding it.

LibraryTavern Liz said...

You assume that he was cheating on her when you don't even know what their relationsip is. For all you know, they may be polyamorous. Or maybe they were about to have a 3-some. Maybe your "doe-eyed girl" (oh, yes, let's compare womym to fuzzy furry cute animals--THAT's frickin' charming) was somewhere waiting for the other 2 to get there with the condoms.

Leigh said...

Hmmm...that is a tough one. Liz actually brings up a good point, you really don't know the status of their relationship. Although, I would most likely believe he is cheating on her. That the more comman, and more likely the situation. In my opinion, perhaps the two girls should ditch the guy and go out with one another. :)

As for you, I would just remain silent. If he is cheating, she'll find out eventually.

zydeco fish said...

It's times like these that I am gald I am not very observant. I'd probably not even noticed. Let's hope it's not a threesome. I'd hate the lucky bastard if that was true.

SeizeTheNite said...

Guys are screwed in a situation like this.
If you tell her she will (depending on how she sees it) either think you're a creepy stranger who watches her too much or a liar.
If you don't tell her you have to live with the knowledge that some asshole is going to break her heart.

Or you could just kick the guys ass next time you see him at the gas station.

Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

We live we learn such is life. Leave it alone and move on.
Doe eyes girls are not always as innocent and as doe eyed as they seem some are manipulative little bitches and that's a fact you have no way of knowing. Assuming the guy is a player or whatever you still can't do anything about it as you really don't know these people.
My bacteria meter always goes off when I meet guys like this but honestly if the girl is smart enough she has got to already know it if not well she'll should be otherwise she may be meeting them back at the room for the threesome.

Ogbuefi Stephi said...

it's so touching that you would care about this total stranger.
but it's true, you don't know the status of their relationship (and i think i actually know who you are referring to in this situation, and if it's who i'm thinking of, they are, indeed, polyamorous).
and sorry, j, but i agree with liz on this one, i find that terms like doe-eyed are kinda offensive, though totally unintentionally so in most cases (as this one probably is).
liked the post though, and as someone who has been hurt in these kinds of situations before, i appreciate your concern for the female half of the relationship.
i think i can safely say that i speak for a lot of females when i say that we could definitely use more guys like you around to be concerned about this sort of thing.

The ZenFo Pro said...

You are absolutely right about me being that asswipe in a previous life. Once a bastard, no matter how reformed, you can always pick up the scent of the "undergrad player." The guy brought some flashbacks on, so maybe it's more a reflection of who I was than who the guy is.

Actually, the shrug-it-off solution is the only way to go. I've already been burned a couple of times, as a journalist, for caring too much about a story, newsmaker, etc. I had a policy then (no fucking or dating the story) that I've carried to librarianship.

Girl on the Blog:
...and that's exactly why I don't get invovled with this kind of thing. People don't learn without that kind of pain. Better for the person to learn at 18-19 than at 30-40, with kids involved or something.

True, but I just get the feeling that, even if this were an open relationship, at least the girl seemed to be in that "maybe he really loves me" mode. But, that too, plays a role in the no-interferance policy on the job. Noody knows except the parties involved. As for the doe-eyed descriptor, well, I'm sure a lot of folks may want to imply something in the use of an accepted colloquialism, but I use it, normally, in a gender-neutral sense to refer to naive youth, not women in general. Know, sadly, too many doe-eyed guys as well.

Yeah, as I've said answering others comments, that's wh I grin and bear it and just blog about it. I don't know and I could just be adding my own spin. But, yeah, I just get this weird feeling that, even if it ere an open relationship, this wasn't part of any shared understanding about the relationship. Having been in a few myself, I usually had a minimum standard of "don't fuck anyone who could get me killed," i.e. so frigging trashy that you run the increased risk of STD contraction (as an aside, I've met more females in Oxford who've told me "when I/my friend/roommate had the clap once" stories than guys, easily two-three times the number I met at the three different universities I attended as a student.)My gut tells me the girl's got deeper feelings than the guy and that there's some dishonesty there.

LOL...thanks, dude, for lightening the post up a bit. Being observant sucks sometimes. Why, for instance, do I seem to be the only hetero guy who ever notices when someone's cut their hair? I have this wierd recall thing, too.

LOL, yeah, its a tough choice, which is why I just have to kind of grin and bear it.

Good advice. Damn, very good advice. Do you happen to know any of my doe-eyed exes? ;)

Still don't get how doe-eyed could be considered offensive, as I've seen it used more to describe rookies (in pro and college sports, love, life, combat, etc) than as a sexist term, but, okay :)

LOL...what are the odds? I take every possible identifier out...let me put it this way...I got about ten e-mails asking if it was this guy, that girl, this couple. Not going to say on the blog deny or confirm one wy or the other for fear of revealing too much info. My library averages thousands of visitors each week (you've proably seen it at night), and i'm there 8-10 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, so it could be possible you know who I'm talking about but the odds are very slim. Hope that didn't sound too Karl-Rove-hidden-message cryptic :)

Bob Patterson said...

Try this: Take an item from your lost and found. Next time you see doe-eyed walk up to her and ask if she knows who the item belongs to. Explain that you see her boyfriend in the library alot with another girl and you wondered if the item might belong to her or the boyfriend.

If they are a three-way you are safe. If he's being a jerk then you at least tipped her off.


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