This morning,I ran into a girl I was briefly involved with while I was outside my workplace answering a phonecall from a contractor. I haven't seen or really talked to this person since things ended, rather awkwardly (my bad) in the Spring.
When she stopped, I swallowed my pride, told the contractor I'd call him back, and decided I probably should say something.
So we talked. I don't like loose strings. I don't like leaving questions unanswered, especially when its so easy to just ask.
After talking for a few minutes, I realized how much of a total dick I had been towards the end of things. This is a brilliant person, someone who I had fallen madly in love with, and someone who I let my self-imposed blindness and selfishness get in the way of doing the right thing by stepping back.
Since she and I last talked, I think we both have done a lot of maturing, readjusting, and figuring out a bit more of who we really want out of life. I also realized she was in a much better place, healthier, more alive than I ever remember seeing or hearing her.
And I realized, too, that I'm in a much better place, despite an increased workload and a bit more stress. I go out and socialize with people. I don't treat my time in Oxford as a prison sentence anymore, but rather as just one of life's interesting twists and turns.
It was a pleasant conversation, a grown-up conversation, and something free of all of that past baggage...at least from my end of things. And she's even considering librarianship as a possible career option and thanked me for introducing her to it.
She said she'd like to go to lunch sometime. Why not? She's a very cool person to hang out with - one of the most interesting people I've met in my time here. And it seems like we've probably got a lot of catching up to do. No strings attached, no expectations, just lunch.
Maybe we can help each other answer some of those unanswered questions.
Fini
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Due to my changing job responsibilities and numerous serious personal
issues (I’ve been out of work for a month on medical leave) this blog has
run its cou...
14 years ago
11 comments:
Okay, so....
I think I know the type of situation you're tlking about. And the person in question...I'm just gonna ask ya point-blank, man...
what are your intnetions? are they honorable (i hpe they are at least) and do you think her intentions are honorable? And you're not doing that silly boy thing of trying to restart a relationship are you? don't get mad...just asking :D
No problem. No stupd questions...why would you think I'd get mad???
Anyway, I don't really have any intentions, honorable or otherwise. I don't know if she has any intentions. I don't think so. I walked her back to her place, we had a smoke, talked, and I walked back to my office.
Thanks for asking. Very thought-provoking commentary.
That's good. It always feels better to get reconnected to a past love. No strings attached needed. Just a realisation that we forgave and be forgiven by ourselves and that person is something that values.
I haven't posted any comments here in a while, papi, because I haven't really had anything to say - and, yeah, working on my own stuff as well.
You are one of the most amazing guys - men - I've ever known. How many guys out there write these amazing essays on democracy in Afica and turn around and write about rap music? I don't know how many xgfs of yours you're on speaking terms with and how many weren't a complete nutcase (hopefully not me:-) but I know how hard you've had it in terms of self-confidence with women. I've never understood that about you, btw. You are (and I so hope Peter's not reading this!) one of the best lovers, an amazing kisser, and even more important, an amazing listener. And to be honest I sometimes blame myself. Not rational, especially not what 8 years later.
I know what you mean about leaving questions unanswered and not wanting to leave things that way. Remember when I stopped by your apt. in BR? I was just driving back to Houston and somehow ended up there ... honestly. I felt so stupid and like such a girl for wanting to get some kind of closure, to apologize for how things ended face-to-face. It was sooooo hard, waiting there, shaking. I was even shaking in your apartment while we were talking. Don't know if you noticed, but I was trying to figure out how to explain why I just up and left you without saying goodbye. And then you told me you had had doubts too - wow. That blew me away. I never thought that YOU had regrets too.
I don't know about you, but I was amazed how nice that conversation was. When you were together, I never knew you knew I was afraid to hang out with your friends or that you really felt pressured to balance your time. Or that we both felt the same thing. Turned out all that age difference stuff was just bullshit excuses for not wanting to hear each other. I never cared, honestly, that you're 5 years younger or that you were 19 - I never thought of you as a kid then or now. Besides, I acted and dressed like a total chola back then...:P
I'm sorry for writing the essay instead of calling or e-mailing. But it sounds like you're finally let go of a lot of baggage. I know you keep telling everybody that you're better off single - I think that's an utter and complete waste of a wonderful guy. There are so few of you guys now. And you are cute, dammit! Quit saying you're not cute...that really pisses me off. Not flinging a tortilla pan at you or burning you Queers CD pissed, but annoyed pissed :)
Okay, I'll stop now. Laptop dying. Plane to catch. Just steer clear of the psychos please!
Beth T.
Oh, and I'm very glad you had a chance to kind of clear some things up with that girl. And I'm sure it must've helped her as much as it helped you!
Cool, man.
I'll just say be careful with where that can go.
I've run into the same thing with an ex of mine with whom things ended badly (I wrote about S in an earlier post back in May). Start out, it's all cool - but old feelings can come back without notice, and you can find yourself falling into that trap all over again.
Worse, it can often be guilt masquerading as old feelings ... guilt at the way things ended, and the sense of wanting to make things right. And if you fall into it with someone just for that reason ... well, let me put it this way. Three times in the last two years, this has happened between S and myself ... and it only gets more painful with each time.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't see her - I'm just saying be careful with yourself, dude. Keep an eye on your heart. If you feel yourself falling for her - and that honestly could happen (did to me) - make sure you take the time to do some soul searching: is it real, or is it the guilt of wanting to make amends for the past? It's an important question, and about 50/50 as which of those answers is true.
I do hope you have the strength to make it work as a friendship, bro - after the S experience I am unsure if it's possible to be friends with an ex, but we're all different, so perhaps it is.
If so, rock on - that's awesome.
If you do fall for her, and it's real, cool. Sometimes former relationships can be reconciled ... second chances can work out.
And if you find yourself falling for her, but the answer to the soul search appears to be guilt, be honest with her right off the bat. Don't try to hide it for the sake of trying to make the friendship work if those feelings are there. That will only end up making things worse. Trust me on that one - I was there just a couple months back.
Be well, bro. I hope it works out for the best, whichever way things go.
Peace J,
G
Interesting. I have come upon two blogs this morning where people give little insights into themselves.
I find it interesting and certainly hard to do online or not.
Cheers.
Carla:
I agree. Sometimes, its easier to just forgive and move on than try to forget the past. And that does include forgiving ourselves as well.
Beth:
Hey, thanks for the "essay." No worries. I always appreciate your honesty. I think I have let go of a lot of baggage, too. I'm still happier with myself than I've been in a long time. And thanks, definitely, for the confidence booster. I'm so glad you did swing by my house in BR back then. I'd always just figured the age difference had been the big factor between you and I. What would this 24 y.o. sexy, intelligent woman want out of a 19 year-old bum? Now that I've experienced the reverse situation, I think I understand a lot better the kinds of miscommunication you and I experienced. Its the expectation that other people can read your mind that's the killer.
G:
Thanks, dude, for the reminder. And you're absolutely right about the guilt vs. love thing. I'm really not looking to retread old paths that should be left in the past. I still, of course, have some confusion about how I feel about her. I figure that's a mutual thing - why else have the awkwardness? And I'll keep both eyes wide open this time. Sounds like you've been there, too, my man. We'll see...
Alice:
LOL...yeah, I'm not sure if those insights are a good thing or a bad thing. :-) At least I'm not a total bastard...lol.
Okay...I have a question...were you out in front of an apt. building on walnut yesterday talking to a girl in a redhawks sweatshirt? was that the girl??? o god, i think i had a class with her last spring! i waved from my mom's car but i guess you were busy ;)
oh, and the girl's cute for those curious...and so's this guy...hope thats not embarrassing anybody...you guys looked pretty intense together
Oh lord...DM, yeah, that's the one. LOL...The streets have eyes, I guess. And sorry I didn't see you.
Thanks for the compliment, and I'm sure the woman in question probably appreciates the compliment too. As for looking intense, I'm not sure what you mean...
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