Saturday, June 25, 2005

OXFORD CONFIDENTIAL

The many definitions of Cornhole: sex act, cartoon, and...Bizarre Midwestern game?!?


OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) - Late last night I went for a stroll through "Uptown" Oxford, the closest to a downtown area Oxford has. It was hot and humid; too hot to really do anything, too miserable to do anything but wander the streets aimlessly in search of something interesting.

This group of high school girls were sitting in Martin Luther King Park, giggling and pointing, chatting about boys, and doing what, well, high school girls do. As I walked by, one of the girls, a cashier whom I've met only when buying soy milk at the grocery store, waves and calls me over to chat.

The girl I knew asked me what I was doing in Uptown. Nothing, I said. I asked her what she and her friends were doing.

"We just got done playing cornhole," the girl said. "We're just chillin' and hanging out."

Wait a minute.

Playing cornhole? Where I come from, that English phrase has a whole different meaning. As a matter of fact, in most parts of America, a group of high schoolers "playing cornhole" would be cause from concern.

These girls, however, were referring to a local game that involves tossing a small bean bag through a hole cut into a plywood platform. Outside the Midwest, this is usually referred to as a "beanbag toss."

In most parts of America, "cornhole" is a slang term for the anus, a synonym for "asshole." Cornholing or playing cornhole often refers to an anal sex. I've heard rednecks in the South use it as a derogatory term for gay men. I've heard the phrase used in San Francisco's Castro District, in bars in the French Quarter.

For example, if I walked into a bar in Mississippi, and stated that I'd spent all day playing cornhole, I'd either become a heterosexual victim of gay-bashing or face a mixture of laughter, sighs, and looks of shock. The 90s cartoon Beavis and Butthead featured a character who, when doped up on a sugar rush, became the Great Cornholio, eternally seeking "TP for his bunghole." (see photo above)

Gen-Xers and some older Gen-Yers probably would make a connection to this character before they would associate it with tossing a beanbag through a hole in a box.

These girls asked me why I was laughing every time they mentioned how "playing cornhole" was the most exciting thing to do in Oxford if you were under 21.

I politely said that it had nothing to do with them.

Hehehehe...In Colorado, they say the same thing about Wyoming and Nebraska, but it's usually followed by some reference to velcro gloves and sex with a farm animal.

Good old American slang. It's what separates North American English from that "stank-ass British English, with its hella stupid pronunciations, that makes every word sound so whack, for fuck's sake."

JWJ

7 comments:

Ms. Monkeythong said...

My dad plays cornhole...Heh. Heh heh.

Anonymous said...

Okay...trying to breathe...laughing too hard...now I will laugh everytime I hear my frat-boy coworker refer to a cornhole party...not sure which typ he're referring to :)

Just a Girl,
Miami

Ron, Oxford said...

This is just too funny. Having moved to the area 3 years ago, I still think the exact same thing!

Party on!

LoweryC said...

Read this in the email. God, people come up with some funny things to pass the time.

G said...

On language ...

Some British cockney for you (this is actual slang I translated from a voicemail left on my machine last week by a friend in the UK).

Warning: this is lewd. It's about my friend Philip. This is the life he leads.

"Hear the nails n' screws on old Philip yet? That little CasaBlanca sniffed Andy Farley, and then dished a dirty den to the forty four swinging door on the corner, who fed him Rosie Lea and oily rags in the Jim Jam before excusing herself to Jimmy. Philip walks in on her taking the Mickey and finds out she is really Bernie Woofter! Moral is to have a butchers and make sure the lass has East and West, sure, but make sure there are no cobblers also. Get the brass tacks, you know? Ensure that Billy Hunt ain't telling no porkies, right? Fuckin' anchor spreadable, that Philip, doesn't even bother, would you Adam and Eve it? At least he discovered Hampton Wick's plans for a visit to Khyber Pass before it was too late. He was in a right two-and-eight after that one, mate."

Translation:

"Hear the news on old Philip yet? That little wanker sniffed some cocaine, and then dished $110 to the whore on the corner, who fed him tea and cigarettes in the car before excusing herself to urinate. Philip walks in on her while she is peeing and finds out she is really a transvestite! Moral is to take a look and make sure the girl has breasts, sure, but check there are no testicles also. Get the facts, you know? Ensure that cunt ain't telling no lies, right? Fuckin' incredible, that Philip, doesn't even bother, would you believe it? Least he discovered the penis in time, before it discovered him. He was in a messed up frame of mind after that one, man."

The ZenFo Pro said...

Jeezus H. Buddha...I forgot how poetic the Cockney accent is. I got drunk on a flight to Hawaii once with a wildlife photographer who spoke with the Cockney dialect.

By the time we polished off the Johnny Walker Red(around the 4th hour or so), he made complete sense. But it took awhile.

Ahhh...the power of JWR! The univeral translator of English slang and dialogue.

JWJ

G said...

My good friend Jack Daniels is a decent translator also. Although Captain Morgan does a decent job too - takes him longer to warm up, though.