Showing posts with label Mortuary Science. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mortuary Science. Show all posts

Friday, April 04, 2008

PRAYING FOR IGNORANCE
NEVER SAVED A DAMNED SOUL:
Of Quantum Mechanic Dreams
& The Nightmares of Blind Faith-Based Education

If we had a reliable way to label our toys good and bad, it would be easy to regulate technology wisely. But we can rarely see far enough ahead to know which road leads to damnation.

- Freeman John Dyson,
Physicist and Mathematician,
from Disturbing the Universe, 1979


OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- I began my own college career back in the Fall of 1996 - not as an aspiring journalist, not as a future writer or librarian, but as a hopeful young physicist.

Yes, I wanted to be a formula jockey, a Quantum Mechanics grease-monkey, a Man of Science.

Okay... better explain this a bit...

... I guess I was what educators call a gifted, advanced student - basically, a polite way of saying that you're intellectually retarded, but in a good way.

So gifted and advanced, in fact, that I never had a "Freshman year" in college - I completed 30 credit-hours, a whole academic year's worth of classes, while still in high school. And despite all of my drug abuse and violent tendencies back then, I even managed to rack up enough credits in integral and differential calculus to officially earn my nerd stripes.

Hell, I figured, aspiring physicists need calculus at an early age. And how I loved physics! How I dreamt whilst drinking MD 20/20 in high school of toying with the EPR paradox for a living!

My senior year in high school, I'm not ashamed to admit, I spent quite a few Sunday afternoons on the porch of a sorta famous, Soviet defector physicist, picking his brain, drinking vodka and eating pelmeni whilst being lectured on both my brutish immaturities and Bell's theorem...

But I digress.

To this day, well, even long after my dreams of being one of those hardened, wild-haired theorists were squashed by my inability to pass those annoying chemistry courses, I'm still fascinated by the fact that everything on this planet falls with a gravitational acceleration of somewhere between 9.78 and 9.82 meters per second, squared.

I just wasn't cut out to be a physicist. However, I did find a calling as an information scientist...

Sorta.

* * * *

Thankfully, the world is run by better men and women than myself - real scientists and mathematicians who could get past those courses, who went on to run our world's research labs, to design and formulate and project the trajectories of our Mars landings and Deep Space probes, who figure out new ways to calculate our distances from and sizes of the smallest atoms and the largest suns.

Yes, Men and Women of Science created our modern world. Those men and women solve the layman's unsolvable, dedicate their lives to studying what many of us simply don't have the fortitude to comprehend. The politicos and armchair quarterback and celebrities be damned!

The laptop upon which I'm typing was made possible by the tireless efforts of mathematicians and scientists, by complex mechanics and programming and circuitry engineering that boggles the mind. The wireless Internet connection I'm using right now, the Internet itself, is the creation of our planet's collective genius.

There isn't too damned much in our technological world, in fact, that wasn't made possible by someone's research, wasn't first an idea first published in someone's dissertation or thesis, wasn't cooked up in some cold lab or drafty classroom.

Men like Freeman Dyson, yes, choose to build for us worlds of knowledge where faith is meaningless without critique and calculation, where even the best theory relies on some unseeable, intrinsic faith as it approaches the point at which it is to be tested.

Our Albert Einsteins and Isaac Newtons and Richard Feynmens and Copernicuses, our Stephen Hawkings and our Igor Tamms... their works represent Man's desire to come as close to whatever that mystery is that some call God as man can get without being driven insane.

Blessed be the thinkers, for they are the ones chosen by whatever powers that control this existence to be both condemned and praised for daring to imagine the unknown.

* * * *

As I listened to this group of college students huddled together, I recalled, for some reason, that passion I once had for physics, that sacred brushing of the face of God found in integers and variables and, yes, even the potential to discover the mechanics behind The Universe's meaning.

The undergrad prayer group (or some such thing) was debating amongst themselves, asking each other questions about why more people don't simply turn to prayer whenever the world gets under their skin, why people dare to argue that the supposedly infallible words of God were never meant to be taken literal, why kids in their science labs roll eyes whilst they argue that their Sunday School teacher told them that evolutionary theory is a conspiracy theory against Christ and the Southern Baptist Convention...

One woman, I overheard, was going to call her youth pastor for a letter, a letter to get her out of certain readings in a general education class. God created the world, so the legend goes, in six days - He took Sundays off to watch football. How dare she be forced to read heresy at - GASP! - a university!

It was to be her mission to end such things, to exempt the Flock from the wolves in the pastures of intellectual pursuit. The other group members nodded their heads in agreement, suggested things like a prayer for guidance and strength and for the faculty to all embrace that Jewish carpenter of lore...

* * * *

I'd write more about their alms and concerns and strange conversation, but, well, I'm afraid that the teenage aspiring physicist still buried inside me would puke up a rather tasty blueberry muffin the adult me really enjoyed.

Let's just say that some conversations, for one who believes that Faith, Reason, and Knowledge are the three-legged foundation upon which our great future is built, are simply hard to stomach repeating in the 21st Century, even for me.

And let's just say, too, that the next evolutionary biologist, genetic researcher, or geographer I meet will get a hearty thank you for dedicating themselves to shedding some light on our species' origin, on the history of our world, on how our own bodies work and change over time.

* * * *

What a waste of life, to debate such things with a groupthink faith devoid of reason! To waste the kinetic gift of spiritual faith, to waste a belief in a beautiful, loving god by plotting to stop Man's quest for knowledge over something as silly as a personal offense.

Constant agreement to maintain our sense of control in life's grand experiment, with prayers to eliminate the disconcerting variables that fly in the face of our beliefs, yes! That's the solution to the world's tangible problems, to understanding things like our DNA's mysteries and the existence of space-time!

Pray for it to all go away! Ask the youth pastor for a protest letter in support of some horseshit called Creation Science!

Organized religion really may be on its way back to its primordial roots of cruel buffoonery and superstitious stupidity, if this is all that is left of the Spirit.

Hopefully not, but, well, if I were one day forced to choose between faithless Science and thoughtless Religion, my take has always been to use the Bible for kindling if it gets in the way of curing cancer.

That sucking sound you hear? Normal around these parts, actually.

* * * *

I will never understand how anyone could attend college with an expectation that their belief in an Earth that revolves around a prayer group or a church doctrine will be simply validated as common knowledge, that the exploration of the mysteries behind our world and existence, our glorious Sun and heavenly galaxy's workings, shouldn't be taught because some people find such things Satanic.

To think, and to be challenged to think, is in the minds of some folks a damnable offense. And that's tragic. How little we've really learned from our great thinkers, artists, and, especially our scientists over the whole of the Human Existence.

At the root of the great tragedies of this world, from the purges of Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union to the horrible events of September 11th and the various genocidal insanities of our modern life, one always finds some similar need to protect Man from our ideas, from our science and logic and reason, art and literature and other beautiful things.

The greatest damnation, of our gods and of ourselves, comes from our own quixotic quest to keep our world blissfully ignorant. Ignorance is not bliss.

Instead, it is merely the Mephistopheles of our fears, of our desire to stay stagnant, creating worlds more hollow and meaningless than any illusion Doctor Faustus could ever invent.


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Sunday, March 23, 2008

DEEJAYS OF THE DEAD:
Kick Out the Jams, Motherfucker...
And Don't Touch the Casket...

After your death you were better have a bad epitaph than their ill report while you live.

- Hamlet, Act II, Sc. II, c. 1600 A.D. (Really Old School)

Hey deejay, just play that song. Keep me dancin', all night long.

- World's Famous Supreme Team, c. 1984 A.D. (Not-So-Old School)

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- The tale began as such...

Two men in suits walked into a local electronics store, asked the salesclerk for help locating a replacement P.A. system. Theirs, they claimed, had burned out and they were on a tight deadline. The clerk, in an effort to make a quick sale, proceeded to show off the electronic store's wares...

Sounds pretty, well, normal, right?

The storyteller, the salesclerk, stared down into his fresh drink as if waiting for that next word, for the bourbon to free his tongue. Suddenly, like the blowing of a fuse or the sputtering of an old engine, his tongue caught up to his brain.

Dude wait! he said. No, this is weird. Dude! Shut up for a minute. It gets better...

* * * *

The guys weren't Men in Black, weren't extras from some lost episode of the X-Files, or Mormon missionaries looking to start a rock band. No, the suits were from a local funeral home, and were on a deadline to get a memorial service set up in time...

The salesclerk notified the pair that, well, to get such a P.A. on such short notice would be highly expensive and, more than likely, pure overkill for the mundane task of amplifying eulogies and graveside sermons. Instead, he suggested, he could do them a favor, loan them his personal amplifier rather than sell them something they really didn't need.

In his spare time, you see, the clerk also deejays at various bars and house parties in and around Oxford Fucking Ohio. And, being that there really hasn't been much work for a deejay in recent weeks, and his equipment's just been sitting around...

Fuck it. Why the hell not?

It was, after all, somebody's funeral. And, well, if it were his relative lying in state, he'd have wanted his departed loved one to have the best audio equipment possible, to be able to go out in style, with every eulogy and tearful remembrance heard by all, loud and clear.

Wait! he exclaimed as he sipped on his bourbon. NOW it gets creepy, dude...

* * * *

After work, the suits picked him up in their corpsemobile, loaded his precious deejaying equipment up like some cold old widow from the nursing home.

No, not a hearse. A corpsemobile.

Corpsemobiles are basically modified cargo vans, used by funeral homes to retrieve bodies from homes and morgues. Hearses are generally used for ceremony, limousines of the Dead built for those one-way trips to the graveyard. Corpsemobiles, on the other hand, do most of the day-to-day work, veritable garbage trucks built plain and rugged, built solely to move our Mortal Remains out of the way as quickly as possible.

Corpsemobiles are for pick-ups. Hearses are for deliveries. The Death Business is more complicated that it seems.

Dying's easy for those doing the dying. For all of the tragedy and sadness, well, death really does equate more with eternal rest. Actually working with the dead, however, is the responsibility of the living. It requires a dedicated efficiency, meticulous timing, an understanding that corpses, at the end of the day, are nothing more than the scraps left over from life's assembly line.

Once, I myself hitched a ride in the back of a corpsemobile, sharing space with the paid passenger, a teenager who'd been killed by a drunk driver. Her beer-swilling friend, the driver told me, had promised to get her home safe. Instead, she'd ended her prom night as nothing more than coroner-released cargo in a bloody prom dress...

Quite comfortable. Good suspension on those corpsemobiles. Almost overkill, really. It's not like most of the cargo will ever complain. But, well, deejaying equipment is, sadly, lmore fragile than your average dead body -- sometimes, those marvelous shocks and struts come in handy.

* * * *

Dude, that fucking stretcher was creepy! the clerk continued. Just thinking about dead people makes me... you know...

...Fucking weird shit, dude...

He shuddered, sipped his bourbon, ended his story.

At the funeral home, he sat up his loaned equipment in silence, with no audience other than the body of his benefactor. He didn't even do a proper sound check - none of the music he normally queued up in his sets seemed appropriate for the stage the mortuary staff had set...

He tossed back the last of his whiskey and ordered another.

There's something disturbing about, you know, being the Deejay of the Dead, dude.

I doubt any deejay would disagree with that assessment, actually.

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