OF SEXY BEASTS & IVORY TOWERS...:Female Readers Share Some of Their Own Erotic Tales from the Higher Education Underground

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- A few years ago, I discovered that, yes, the vast majority of visitors to this site are women - by an almost 2:1 margin. Most, too, are either enrolled in college or college graduates.

And there's a reason, sure, that this here online homestead gained its reputation amongst college students, graduates, or even lifelong learner types of gals.

Integrity? Honesty? Heartfelt writing and amazing storytelling?

Heh. I wish.

Believe it or not, but I may just be the one librarian who, consistently, since 2005, has posted more about his often fucked-up sex life than he has about any other subject.

And there are more women who've never even met me in person, in all honesty, who have a better idea of my libidinous habits than most of the people I work with.

Kinda creepy at times. But, well, I do have my narcissistic exhibitionist streak, just like every other blogger... kinda fucking badass...

I made the female readership/librarian sex life connection a few years ago, ironically enough, while going through a rather nasty breakup I was specifically asked not to discuss online.

After the end of a really bad fling, particularly one where the ending involves a cornucopia of completely contradictory, malevolent emotions, well, I'm man enough to admit I'm one of those pace-around-all-night-and-sulk guys - I can't remember the time frame exactly, but I think I spent a month posting nothing but links to articles or playlists from the music I was listening to at the time.

And, well, I was spending a shitload of time in my underwear, online and chatting with pretty much anybody who stopped by this here site and added me as a chat "buddy." All hours of the night, days on end. My weekends were governed by visions of pop-up ads and online notification pings dancing in my head.

And then, well, I had a selfish idea - why not, in an effort to remind myself that all human beings have shitty relationship moments, ask some of these really cool chicks for their funniest, most embarrassing fling stories? I sent out a quick email, received about a hundred or so responses...

...And then I fucking lost the folder containing all of these wonderful pieces originally meant for a post two years ago.

Recently unearthed on an old flash drive found in a storage unit, I thought, Well, shit... what better way to return to the ol' Zenformation Professional? Let readers tell their sex stories for a change, pick out the best and most cringe-worthy and humorous...

* * * *

"When a girl's in your apartment and tells you she wants you to rip off her panties, it doesn't mean keep drooling and licking her tits like a fucking idiot. Tear those fuckers off, shut up, and get working. If not, she's gonna be faking it because you obviously, duh, can't follow fucking instructions..."

- MADISON, Wisconsin

"...I went home with this guy once who just didn't get that he was a bootycall and couldn't spend the night. Worst lay ever! Anyway he wanted to stay and cuddle. He smelled like fucking ass - missed that when I was wasted but when I sobered up he was, OMG, a fucking little troll... He just couldn't deal and missed all the hints, so I got up and told him I wanted to go get a frozen pizza or something. This dude got up... put his clothes on and like ran out the door - he was gonna get me the pizza. I locked the door when he left and turned the radio on real loud...Don't think he came back with haha the fucking pizza..."

- OXFORD FUCKING OHIO

"You know what I hate dude? I hate when guys who think they fucking PWN U the second they get laid. I dated this guy once who was completely cool until we hooked up. After he just turned into this ridiculous chachasaurus... no space ever... always wanting pussy... he would like cling onto me at EVERY party EVERY bar whenever I was talking to guy friends... but when his female friends were around, oh, THAT's when I'd get some fucking space..."

- COLUMBUS, Ohio

"Won't ever ever ever fuck a guy taller than 6'5 again. Long story but not long anywhere else :)"

- ATHENS, Georgia

"...Anal. I don't know why some girls don't like it. I'm like ur ex man... in the butt and I'm like good to go for hrs... sadly have you ever noticed there are guys more scared of being seen as like gay just b/c they like it? Not you but guys in general...?"

- VANCOUVER, British Columbia

...In all honesty, the best sex I had when I was in college was with myself. It's funny but I quit going [to Oxford's] Uptown right after I turned 21. Lost all interest in drunken idiots. Just me, my showerhead, and, LOL, lots of Cabernet . God, I miss that massage setting..."

- CHICAGO

"...I don't know if this is what you mean by erotic and embarrassing but I've been caught heh diddling the magic button by every roommate I've had since Freshman year... Every woman masturbates everywhere..."

- ANN ARBOR, Michigan

"...Worst funny or best funny? Both would be - plz no names - with my husband when we were dating. In Fort Collins [Colorado] there used to be this great burrito place right near campus... I dunno but for some reason Roberto's used to just make me horny... We used to go there in between classes but for some reason - ____'s so gonna kill me - we'd never make it to those afternoon classes. Don't know how we both graduated..."

- BOSTON

"...I think all of them were funny embarrassing and erotic. Dooders, that's the point of college. To learn. Put that in there..."

- CLEVELAND

"...Tried this melted chocolate thing on my partner once... ah yeah... ever seen an angry dyke rushed to the hospital with burns on her tits? Not cool but she forgave me eventually and she'll kill me if you use my name..."

- TEMPE, Arizona

"...In a tube [ London subway] once after drinking. Worst bloody lay of my life. Guy looked like [David] Bowie while rumbling south... the next morning I awakened to a guy who looked so dandy, like Tony Blair or an electro deejay..."

OXFORD, Oxfordshire, UK

"The Fat Man in Canberra... not because he was huge but because he ate at the clammie like a Chinese buffet... God the slurping still gives me nightmares...Worst naughty I have ever had..."

- NEWCASTLE, New South Wales, Australia

"... I was in graduate school... I was exchanging fruitcake sex (best Zenfopro-ism EVER btw) with another TA in our office. I don't know about M____, but our TA offices are tiny, filthy holes not fit for human occupancy. He was every bit the self-absorbed, stereotypical Jewish mama's boy... a great lay but paranoid she'd find out I was Korean... We were going at it like cats and dogs, just crazy. I was about to come when his cell phone rang... he stopped and answered his fucking mother's phonecall. I pushed him off me and told him he could fuck his mother the next time... while he was still on the phone with her."

- PRINCETON, New Jersey

"Library school. I didn't sleep alone for five semesters. I was queen of the cougars. Or my ex-husband. Which was awesome. My kids were disgusted. Graduated with a 4.0."

- [Location withheld by request]

"...Okay, well, this guy from where I work on campus. I was trolling for twinks at this queer club near where I live and I had such a crush on this guy... such a HOTTIE omg... I thought he was into the scene... GAY bar, DRAG SHOW NIGHT, PRIDE flags everywhere... anyway we hung out all night, got completely shitfaced, hooked up... OMGOMGOMG the next morning fucking sucked. He thought it was a trendy metro club or something. that I was born a fem (hope that doesn't creep you out) His first trans experience btw..."

- SAN JOSE, California

[* NOTE: And no, I've not 'creeped out' by transwomen.]

"In the alley next to - don't kill me - the library during first-year. I faked it for all 20 seconds. Fucking shit, did I just say that???? "

- OXFORD FUCKING OHIO

* * * *

Now THAT'S the most woman-friendly post I think I've written in months.

Oh wait. Correction.

Now THAT'S the most woman-friendly, first-ever "guest post" the very readers of this here site have ever told in their own words.

And yeppers, I'm back.

- # # # -

THE ZENFO PRO HITS THE ROAD: An Online Sabbatical, Rumors of My Demise, & Selections from MY Summer Reading List

VARIOUS U.S. CITIES & TOWNS (ZP) -- Contrary to rumor and speculation - and probably some malicious wishful thinking - I am, indeed, alive and well.

Generalissimo Franco? Still fucking dead. So's Hitler, a few dozen or so popes, the Shah of Iran, the meddling intelligence agents who put that moron back into power and who started the current clusterfuck there, Reagan, Pol Pot, Hunter S. Thompson, Jesus H. Christ, even a mono-gloved whackjob of a pop singer.

Moi? Still kicking and as ornery as ever.

I've been traveling the country (read: raising a bit of hell and being a perfect little angel at times, too...typical) quite a bit in the last few weeks - out to Indiana, up to the Windy City, Kentucky, Virginia, out west to the New Mexico malpaís, even down to Phoenix for a few hours.

So needless to say, the offline world has left very little time (and, in the case of New Mexico and Kentucky, web access and electricity) for a decent Zenformation Professional dispatch. But I'll be returning shortly with more stories from Oxford Fucking Ohio and other parts of this ol' muddy blue marble of a planet we all call home.

No, I'm not dead.

Thanks for the concern; I forget sometimes that my principle demographic here is primarily made up of the extremely bored college kids and cubicle monkeys, sorority girls, homeless punk kids, and a few very cool stay-at-home moms and dads.

And thanks for the emails, too - in spite of the fact that if I were indeed a corpse, I'm not sure how I'd be expected to answer...

Anywho.

While waiting for a new post, here's a look at the so-not-light summer reading list. If you're interested in what you see, hit up your local library!

~ JASON

* * * *

... In the course of human history it is generally the case that the malcontents, the oppressed, and the rebels, before being able to conceive and desire a radical change in the political and social institutions, restrict their demands to partial changes, to concessions by the rulers, and to improvements. Hopes of obtaining reforms as well as in their efficacy, precede the conviction that in order to destroy the power of a government or of a class, it is necessary to deny the reasons for that power, and therefore to make a revolution.

In the order of things, reforms are then introduced or they are not, and once introduced either consolidate the existing regime or undermine it; assist the advent of revolution or hamper it and benefit or harm progress in general, depending on their specific characteristic, the spirit in which they have been granted, and above all, the spirit in which they are asked for, claimed or seized by the people.

Governments and the privileged classes are naturally always guided by instincts of self preservation, of consolidation and the development of their powers and privileges; and when they consent to reforms it is either because they consider that they will serve their ends or because they do not feel strong enough to resist, and give in, fearing what might otherwise be a worse alternative...

- ERRICO MALATESTA (1853-1932)
Italian Revolutionary & Activist

From Malatesta: His Life and Ideas.
V. Richards, ed. London: Freedom Press, 1965

* * * *

...The Internet is, for loners, an absolute and total miracle. It is, for us, the best invention of the last millennium. It educates. It entertains. It transforms. It facilitates a kind of dialogue in which we need not be seen, so it suits us perfectly. It validates. It makes being alone seem normal. It makes being alone fun for everyone.

And so it has its critics. They claim it keeps kids from playing healthy games outdoors. They say it is a procurer for perverts, a weapon in hate crimes. Underlying all this, of course, is the real reason for their dismay: the Internet legitimizes solitude. The real problem is not that kids don't play outdoors but that they do not play, the critics fear, with other kids...

ANNELI RUFUS
California Author and journalist

From Party of One: A Loners' Manifesto.
San Francisco: Da Capo Books, 2002.

* * * *

...In 1989, the Berlin Wall fell. Two years later, the Soviet Union was dissolved. The process of transition only secured the position of the elites. The old leaders of the Communist Party and the Communist Youth succeeded in reinventing themselves as nationalist politicians and businessmen, the owners of local concerns. One witness, Olga Kryshtanovskaya, has described the transformation from the system of state management to the new capitalist form. 'A ministry would be abolished, and in its ruins a new business concern would be created in the form of a joint-stock company (same building, same furniture, same personnel)... as a rule, the second or third figure in the abolished ministry would become head of the concern.' The transition of Eastern Europe was less violent or dramatic than the equivalent processes of 1917 or 1928-32. Yet the system that emerged was new: an entire historical epoch had reached its end...

DAVE RENTON
British Historian & Social Activist

From Dissident Marxism: Past Voices for Present Times.
London: Zed Books Ltd., 2004

* * * *

... Chilly night fog was flowing down the mountainsides. Soon the ground would shimmer with faintly luminous ground frost. Still, Gordon shivered less from the cold than from nerves. He knew he was getting close. One way or another, he was about to have an encounter with death.

In his youth he had read about heroes, historical and fictional. Nearly all of them, when the time came for action, seemed able to push aside their personal burdens of worry, confusion, angst, for at least the time when action impended. But Gordon's mind didn't seem to work that way. Instead it just filled with more and more complexities, a turmoil of regrets.

It wasn't that he had doubts about what had to be done. By every standard he lived by, this was the right thing to do. Survival demanded it. And anyway, if he was to be a dead man, at least he could make the mountains a little safer for the next wayfarer by taking a few of the bastards with him.

Still, the nearer he drew to the confrontation, the more he realized that he hadn't wanted his dharma to come to this. He did not really wish to kill any of these men...

From DAVID BRIN, The Postman
New York: Bantum/Random House, 1985

* * * *

...I think it was my second day as a Christmas temp that this big woman came out and walked around with me as I delivered letters. What I mean by big was that her ass was big and her tits were big and that she was big in all the right places. She seemed a bit crazy, but I kept looking at her body and I didn't care.

She talked and talked and talked. Then it came out. Her husband was an officer on an island far away and she got lonely, you know, and lived in this little house in back all by herself.

"What little house?" I asked.

She wrote the address on a piece of paper.

"I'm lonely too," I said, "I'll come by and we'll talk tonight."

I was shacked but the shackjob was gone half the time, off somewhere and I was lonely alright. I was lonely for that big ass standing beside me.

"All right," she said, "see you tonight."

"She was a good one all right, she was a good lay but like all lays after the third or fourth night I began to lose interest and didn't go back.

But I couldn't help thinking, god, all these mailmen do is drop in their letters and get laid. This is the job for me, oh yes yes yes...

From CHARLES BUKOWSKI, Post Office
Los Angeles: Black Sparrow Press, 1971

Now that, my friends, is a completely fucking random summer reading list.

The Zenformation Professional will return next week... probably.

- # # # -