And there's a reason, sure, that this here online homestead gained its reputation amongst college students, graduates, or even lifelong learner types of gals.
Integrity? Honesty? Heartfelt writing and amazing storytelling?
Heh. I wish.
Believe it or not, but I may just be the one librarian who, consistently, since 2005, has posted more about his often fucked-up sex life than he has about any other subject.
And there are more women who've never even met me in person, in all honesty, who have a better idea of my libidinous habits than most of the people I work with.
Kinda creepy at times. But, well, I do have my narcissistic exhibitionist streak, just like every other blogger... kinda fucking badass...
I made the female readership/librarian sex life connection a few years ago, ironically enough, while going through a rather nasty breakup I was specifically asked not to discuss online.
After the end of a really bad fling, particularly one where the ending involves a cornucopia of completely contradictory, malevolent emotions, well, I'm man enough to admit I'm one of those pace-around-all-night-and-sulk guys - I can't remember the time frame exactly, but I think I spent a month posting nothing but links to articles or playlists from the music I was listening to at the time.
And, well, I was spending a shitload of time in my underwear, online and chatting with pretty much anybody who stopped by this here site and added me as a chat "buddy." All hours of the night, days on end. My weekends were governed by visions of pop-up ads and online notification pings dancing in my head.
And then, well, I had a selfish idea - why not, in an effort to remind myself that all human beings have shitty relationship moments, ask some of these really cool chicks for their funniest, most embarrassing fling stories? I sent out a quick email, received about a hundred or so responses...
...And then I fucking lost the folder containing all of these wonderful pieces originally meant for a post two years ago.
Recently unearthed on an old flash drive found in a storage unit, I thought, Well, shit... what better way to return to the ol' Zenformation Professional? Let readers tell their sex stories for a change, pick out the best and most cringe-worthy and humorous...
* * * *
"When a girl's in your apartment and tells you she wants you to rip off her panties, it doesn't mean keep drooling and licking her tits like a fucking idiot. Tear those fuckers off, shut up, and get working. If not, she's gonna be faking it because you obviously, duh, can't follow fucking instructions..."
"...I went home with this guy once who just didn't get that he was a bootycall and couldn't spend the night. Worst lay ever! Anyway he wanted to stay and cuddle. He smelled like fucking ass - missed that when I was wasted but when I sobered up he was, OMG, a fucking little troll... He just couldn't deal and missed all the hints, so I got up and told him I wanted to go get a frozen pizza or something. This dude got up... put his clothes on and like ran out the door - he was gonna get me the pizza. I locked the door when he left and turned the radio on real loud...Don't think he came back with haha the fucking pizza..."- OXFORD FUCKING OHIO
"You know what I hate dude? I hate when guys who think they fucking PWN U the second they get laid. I dated this guy once who was completely cool until we hooked up. After he just turned into this ridiculous chachasaurus... no space ever... always wanting pussy... he would like cling onto me at EVERY party EVERY bar whenever I was talking to guy friends... but when his female friends were around, oh, THAT's when I'd get some fucking space..."
"Won't ever ever ever fuck a guy taller than 6'5 again. Long story but not long anywhere else :)"- ATHENS, Georgia
"...Anal. I don't know why some girls don't like it. I'm like ur ex man... in the butt and I'm like good to go for hrs... sadly have you ever noticed there are guys more scared of being seen as like gay just b/c they like it? Not you but guys in general...?"
- VANCOUVER, British Columbia
...In all honesty, the best sex I had when I was in college was with myself. It's funny but I quit going [to Oxford's] Uptown right after I turned 21. Lost all interest in drunken idiots. Just me, my showerhead, and, LOL, lots of Cabernet . God, I miss that massage setting..."
"...I don't know if this is what you mean by erotic and embarrassing but I've been caught heh diddling the magic button by every roommate I've had since Freshman year... Every woman masturbates everywhere..."
- ANN ARBOR, Michigan
"...Worst funny or best funny? Both would be - plz no names - with my husband when we were dating. In Fort Collins [Colorado] there used to be this great burrito place right near campus... I dunno but for some reason Roberto's used to just make me horny... We used to go there in between classes but for some reason - ____'s so gonna kill me - we'd never make it to those afternoon classes. Don't know how we both graduated..."- BOSTON
"...I think all of them were funny embarrassing and erotic. Dooders, that's the point of college. To learn. Put that in there..."
"...Tried this melted chocolate thing on my partner once... ah yeah... ever seen an angry dyke rushed to the hospital with burns on her tits? Not cool but she forgave me eventually and she'll kill me if you use my name..."- TEMPE, Arizona
"...In a tube [ London subway] once after drinking. Worst bloody lay of my life. Guy looked like [David] Bowie while rumbling south... the next morning I awakened to a guy who looked so dandy, like Tony Blair or an electro deejay..."
OXFORD, Oxfordshire, UK
"The Fat Man in Canberra... not because he was huge but because he ate at the clammie like a Chinese buffet... God the slurping still gives me nightmares...Worst naughty I have ever had..."
- NEWCASTLE, New South Wales, Australia
"... I was in graduate school... I was exchanging fruitcake sex (best Zenfopro-ism EVER btw) with another TA in our office. I don't know about M____, but our TA offices are tiny, filthy holes not fit for human occupancy. He was every bit the self-absorbed, stereotypical Jewish mama's boy... a great lay but paranoid she'd find out I was Korean... We were going at it like cats and dogs, just crazy. I was about to come when his cell phone rang... he stopped and answered his fucking mother's phonecall. I pushed him off me and told him he could fuck his mother the next time... while he was still on the phone with her."- PRINCETON, New Jersey
"Library school. I didn't sleep alone for five semesters. I was queen of the cougars. Or my ex-husband. Which was awesome. My kids were disgusted. Graduated with a 4.0."
- [Location withheld by request]
"...Okay, well, this guy from where I work on campus. I was trolling for twinks at this queer club near where I live and I had such a crush on this guy... such a HOTTIE omg... I thought he was into the scene... GAY bar, DRAG SHOW NIGHT, PRIDE flags everywhere... anyway we hung out all night, got completely shitfaced, hooked up... OMGOMGOMG the next morning fucking sucked. He thought it was a trendy metro club or something. that I was born a fem (hope that doesn't creep you out) His first trans experience btw..."
- SAN JOSE, California
[* NOTE: And no, I've not 'creeped out' by transwomen.]
"In the alley next to - don't kill me - the library during first-year. I faked it for all 20 seconds. Fucking shit, did I just say that???? "- OXFORD FUCKING OHIO
* * * *
Now THAT'S the most woman-friendly post I think I've written in months.
Oh wait. Correction.
Now THAT'S the most woman-friendly, first-ever "guest post" the very readers of this here site have ever told in their own words.
And yeppers, I'm back.
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