Thursday, February 07, 2008

Rainy Day Women and Forgotten Hymens

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) -- She couldn't remember the name of the first guy she'd slept with.

She remembered that it was her junior year in high school, some random Friday night after a party during the summer, while her parents were out of town. She remembered that he worked Uptown, that he was either a sophomore or a junior at the Local U., drove an SUV. He smoked a lot of pot, drank vodka with Mountain Dew, and smelled marvelous.

But she couldn't, for the life of her, remember the guy's name. She was tipsy that night, he was drunk, and the whole blasted sexual experience lasted maybe five minutes, tops.

It just wasn't worth remembering, she said, because she'd moved on and found other lovers, caring guys and even, yes, her fair share of worthless assholes.

From her description of the event itself, well, I don't think I'd want to remember much, either.

* * * *
Her tale went something like this:

Pushing. Pushing. Almost...

Snap. Ow. Temporary reprieve.

Ow. Push. Ow. Push. Ow.

Ow. Push. Push.

Kiss, kiss, kiss, I love you, push. Push, push, ow.

A slip-out, a wrong-hole, a push, a You're not in, and finally - FINALLY - back inside, and yes, the grand finale...

... I'm coming... Oh God!...

Shudder - shudder - weird feeling - Wait, don't -

Pop. Out. Flop.

And, just like that, she was no longer a virgin.

She was, however, surprised at how anticlimactic the whole cherry-popping business turned out to be.

* * * *

She had a knot on the back of her head and bruises on the inside of her thighs for two weeks.

They hung out a few times after that night. He called non-stop, and she was flattered by the attention.

But he wasn't that cute, was as dumb as a post, and had smoked enough weed to qualify as retarded. He stopped smelling so marvelous, too, and started to reek of perpetual desperation.

He turned out to be a complete asshole, expected that he'd get laid every time they were at parties or bonfires together. Eventually, she just learned to avoid him completely.

After a few months, well, he was no more of a first lover than her fingers had been before that.

"Dude, girls figure out how to masturbate way before you guys."


"Well... we figure out what we like first, 'cause half the time guys in this town have no fucking clue."



* * * *

Since she shared her Loss of Sexual Innocence bullshit with me, I figured I'd share my own I'm a Man Now bullshit.

"Wait. You don't even remember doing it?"

"Nope. Drunk. Blacked out. Remember the abandoned farmhouse and the MD 20/20, though."

"In Birming...ham?"

"Buckingham. Virginia. 1995."

"Okay... that's SO much worse than mine."

She held her coffee in both hands as we huddled beneath a coffee shop awning. Every one or two sips, she'd take a drag off her cigarette, nervously push smoke from her nostrils as she talked.

A heavy downpour hammered down on the storefront overhang, rain shot from the pitch, overpowered the helpless gutters. We were trapped, coffee in hand, in a curbside cave, waiting for a break.

Apparently, the night she'd lost her less-than-precious virginity, it'd been raining, too. Something about the downpour spurred the conversation. And smokers, well, do have the best conversations while we're huddled outside in the middle of thunderstorms.

I'd never met the woman before in my life, never seen her anywhere in Oxford. I didn't even bother to ask her name.

One of the coolest random strangers with whom I've ever shared a temporary shelter, in fact.

And I'm sure, if I could remember anything about it, my first would probably rank as my worst sexual experience. And I'm fairly certain that, well, I'm probably at the bottom of my supposedly sacred First's list now, too.

- # # # -


Anonymous said...

That's one heck of a "just getting to know you" story...

Jessica said...

I was 15, my boyfriend of two years was 18 and leaving for the air force in two days. It was a "now or never" situation. It happened in the back of a station wagon, parked in a Catholic school parking lot - because I liked to tempt fate. We had already done "everything but" so the actual intercourse was a HUGE disappointment to me. "THIS is what all the fucking fuss is about?" I actually said out loud. I thought it was boring and irritating, and much preferred all those things we did with our mouths (still do). We were together for two more years.

Coyote Mike said...

Wonder if any publisher would be interested in a book of virginity stories. Divide it between Good and Bad experiances, funny, sad, whatever else. All anonymous, pseudonyms and such.

I'd add mine, but everyone would think I was lying :P

Anonymous said...

omg. i had sex for the first time my first year at miami. it was to a fiji and i thought i was so in love with him. he turned out to be a tool too. I was his fresh meat girl. it was sad and horrible and i hated even going out for a while b/c he'd find me wherever.
hey sorry i bailed on you for lunch yesterday.

sassinak said...

would you believe me if i said mine was great? i mean i didn't come but i had fun and it didn't hurt because we had fooled around enough first...

but i'm sorry you had one that isn't worth remembering.

you know, the one thing i miss about cigarettes are those conversations... well and the smoking of course.

pia said...

I picked somebody up my senior year of high school with one purpose in mind. Unfortunately it wasn't great but I let him become my boyfriend as he was older and well was older.

The next year however....

Your writing continually appeals to me--it has that great pulp feel

Anonymous said...

I can still remember mine ... namely because it wasn't someone random; we had dated for a while beforehand, and were together for quite some time after The Big Event.

Yeah, some of still believe in romance ... funny how such a thing kinda makes one a rebel these days.

The other commentators are right; the first is never what it's cracked up to be. For myself and herself, it was special, but certainly not the be-all-and-end-all that all the stories we'd heard from those who'd "done It" claimed it would be.

Ahhh, the power of urban myth ...

zydeco fish said...

My first time sucked, as much as it can for a guy :-) It was still fascinating and great in a way, but in hindsight, not so good. This is a nicely written piece.