RACE FOR THE WHITE HOUSE 2008DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION EDITION: Passing the Buck Early...Without Any Fiber, Too

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) - So Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) may run for president. And so might Sen. George Allen (R-Va.) New Yorkers Rudy Giuliani, George Pataki, and Hillary Clinton, Sam Brownback of Kansas, Bill Richardson (D-NM), and former House Speaker Newt "I'm just an author now" Gingrich.

I could go on.

I won't.

Like the first blossoms mark the start of spring, like the first bloated corpses mark the onset of a typhus outbreak, like the first turd on the bathroom floor marks a septic tank that overfloweth, a new batch of politico termites has commenced gnawing their way towards 2008 and the floorboards of the White House.

Well, whoopie. Whoop-de-fucking-doo.

* * * *

Sure, there are guys I like, that I think would one day make a great Leader of the Free World. There are some decent folks out there, on both sides of the aisle. And one day, they may end up on the ballot.

But I'm not holding my breath.

Regardless of any distant presidential race, I'm not going to spend six years whining about stolen elections or calling opposition members unpatriotic or bitching about the need for a third party. I'm not going to spend the next two years TiVoing the Sunday news programs, not going to fret over something as trivial and meaningless as the color of a state on a pundit's graphic.

In the end, whoever's sworn in Jan. 20, 2009, will not be the guy who saves the world. He/she will be the "clean up the mess" president, an elected version of Gerald Ford, left holding the bag on everything from the Iraq War to the environment.

We're talking a one-termer here. We're talking a 21st Century Martin Van Buren, an "Old Granny" babysitter like Rutherford B. Hayes.

American presidents who inherit chaos don't last too long. Historically, while people cry out for reforms, Joe Sixpack never seems to want to pick up the tab when such reforms actually begin to materialize. Hell, just look at the Jimmy Carter Years.

* * * *

In the here and very naked now, in 2006, Democrats are screaming for change, screaming about retaking the House and Senate with a ragtag band of former Reaganites, NFL quarterbacks, and rebellious Republicans. If the Dems do "retake" the U.S. Congress, many of those touting the supposed "victory" of the Left might want to examine all of those rather conservative bedfellows they've been caressing.

Talk about a Coalition of the Willing.

When independent Bernie Sanders is set to possibly become the leading voice of Progressive Politics in the Senate, I'd say the Jackass is beginning to look more and more like an Elephant.

The Republicans are desperately trying to shore up an increasingly fractioned majority, the GOP's days as the uncompromising ironclad on the electoral high seas long past the point of salvage. Honestly, the Right has used up most of its moral credibility points - squandered on years' worth of scandal, cronyism, and just plain batshit blind allegiances to God knows what.

But if the sleeping giant I recently heard referred to as the Western Right ever seizes power, those gay-friendly-but-no-gay-marriage, gun-toting, Jesus -is -okay -but - he wasn't - a - Southern - Baptist, rancher-loving, abortion's-okay, big- business- conservationist civil libertarians, the Democrats may soon be the party once again on the defensive, even with a majority in the House and Senate.

But, well, back to the future. Back towards 2008.

The race for the White House. All of those termites chomping away at the underbelly of democracy, ready to chew their way through primary after primary, through all the baby-kissing and ass-smacking and sex scandals and half truths and campaign promises of a Land of Milk and Honey...

Just one question:

So am I supposed to get excited about all of this bullshit leading up to 2008, or should I just grab the toilet seat now and try to shit the whole bull?

* * * *

Hmmm...

And a few more questions:

Has anybody seen that Democratic clone of Calvin Coolidge lately? You know, that guy from Massachusetts who failed in his bid to become president a while back, the one who made watching paint dry fun again?

No, not that one. Here ya go...this one.

And has anybody told Condi that she'd better start putting away those Whoppers now if she expects to join William Howard Taft in the One-Term Republican President Best Remembered for Getting Stuck in the Friggin' Bathtub Club?

# # #