Saturday, March 25, 2006

Wardrobes, Matchmakers, and the Wrong Way to Gamble on Education

Three different people have compared me to some guy named Simon last week.

First, a colleague of mine made a comment about how I dress like the guy at work. Then one of my occassional drinking buddies, an electrician, made the same comment. Thursday night, a high school student I tutored last summer said the same damned thing when I ran into her at the grocery store.

Having never watched the show, I had no clue who this guy was – the comparison meant absolutely squat.

This morning I remembered to look him up on Wikipedia. Who the fuck is Simon Cowell? And why should I care?

* * *

The high school student I mentioned? I started tutoring her in math and reading skills right after I'd ended a rather bizarre relationship last summer; she overheard me talking to her mom about it. She kept wanting to pester me about my love life rather than study, so I made a bet with her – if she pulled her GPA above 3.0, I'd let her play “Find Jason a Girlfriend.”

Quite frankly, I didn't expect her to pull in anything above a 2.5, so I figured I was safe. But, according to the mangled grade reports she showed me Thursday, she was averaging a 3.3 for the year.

Uh. Yeah.

Fuck.

It is never a good idea to wager your love life against a teenager's pursuit of a life beyond rural Indiana. Per our bet, I had to go on a date with the woman of her choice. I hadn't seen this girl in more than six months. Her dad, who was with her at the store, told me that she's been plotting since she scored her first straight-B report card.

When I got home from the store Thursday night, I sat in my pick-up for about ten minutes, with one thought repeating over and over in my head:

“Dude, you are seriously fucked.”

* * *

Friday morning, the kid e-mailed me a list of about two dozen potential dates. I was to narrow down her list to five and she would then pick my date.

She apparently had completely ignored two of my major criteria – no one underage and no one who had a criminal record. Three women on the list were under 17. One, she wrote in the e-mail, wouldn't be able to go out until she got off probation for a drug conviction.

Oh yeah. I'm fucked.

Couldn't this girl have missed a couple days or just been satisfied with being a C+ student?
It's not her fault, I guess. Living in a rural area automatically limits one's options.

The best part was, of course, the Questionnaire she included to help her pick a winner:

Do u like a. big boobs b. small boobs or c. no boobs?
Do u like Hawthorne Heights? or r u a country fan? i can't figgure u out...
Are u a guy who likes to snuggle or do u play it kool on the first date?
Um...yeah.

She copied her dad on the message. Her father received the e-mail at the same time as I did, apparently. He called and left me a voice mail. I was too embarrassed to answer my cellphone.

Two and a half minutes of your former pupil's father laughing at you is a rather humbling experience.

Her father, being a single guy himself, felt my pain and gently intervened on my behalf. He sent me a modified version of the list (sans women he called Jerry Springer rejects) and saved me the awkwardness of having to explain to a high school girl that I don't, um, have a boob preference.

* * *

This afternoon, I went on a blind date, hopefully the last. Not an awful experience – she picked a rather attractive gas station cashier, her boyfriend's cousin.

We did coffee and caught a movie. It was rather uneventful. Actually, I was bored within the first five minutes.

Nice girl, but not my type. I'm not sure what my type is, exactly, but I'm sure this woman isn't it. We had nothing in common – not one single thing. And I hate to sound mean or arrogant, but who the fuck finds dumb women attractive?

I kept reminding myself the whole time that it could've been a lot worse - jailbait with a drug conviction worse.

At least I can now say that I've whored myself out for education.

Like I said, it could've been worse...


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6 comments:

Smurf said...

lmao... sorry Jay, but I find no similarity between you and Simon Cowell except maybe the fact that you speak how you feel, but I dont think you are as harsh as Simon Cowell when it comes to not care if you hurt someone's feelings or not. Did you find out who Simon Cowell is? He is the Person who started American Idol... it Started in Britain and is now all over the world. He has a home in LA and he is a popular judge on American Idol, but he is the harshest of the three, Simon, Paula Abdul and Randy. But I haven't watched it AT ALL this season. Anyways.. I did watch it a lot in the past however and ... umm... honey I am not sure if it is a compliment if they called you a Simon Cowell... were they laughing? And as far as you liking people that have brains and that you enjoy rather than bimbos that are just nice lookers... I respect you so much for that!

Love ya and nice post!

cooper said...

who is simon cowell?

Yo seem to be rather good at getting yourself into situations of a similar nature. Maybe you just need your own television show.

Linda said...

You poor dear! I used to teach 9th grade science in a small town, so I can definitely relate. I was in my 20s, single, and living in what had to be the smallest town in Texas. I went on at least 20 blind dates over the four years before I finally moved. Small town dating is not all that enjoyable.

Cowgirl said...

Whoring yourself out for bettering someones education... way to go!

I also do not find dumb people attractive. I hate it when I think someone is hot, and then they just have to go and ruin it.

kristy said...

I tutored a 16-year-old girl who was home (church) schooled. She wanted to talk to me about my religious beliefs obsessively. I told her we could have that conversation after her 18th birthday. Guess who remembered that for the next two years? Yeah, teenagers can have long memories (at least selectively). I now know better than to make a deal like you did. Wow.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Smurf:
I read the guys wikipedia entry and, lol, I don't see it either. I guess the guy's a bit of an asshole record label guy. I knew Paula Abdul was one of the judges, but never seen the show. They were laughing and it had more to do with the fact that I wear tee-shirts and jeans to work most days...lol...lord, I hope it has nothing to do with my personality...

Cooper:
That's what I was trying to figure out. That's why I put the wikipedia link in there...am I supposed to know who this guy is? I try to avoid reality tv like the plague...never seen American Idol...or Seinfeld...or Friends...etc...

LMAO, chica...I do get into some pretty bizarre situations, but c'est la vie. The high school girl tried and I don't think she believed I'd actually honor my end of the bargain. But hey, a bet is a bet.

Small town living ain't pretty ;) It's a good thing I didn't have a blog running during grad school...

Linda:
Oh, thanks for sharing that. I may not like Oxford all that much, but at least it's not rural Texas. (I hope there's no one reading from rural Texas offended by that). Thanks for stopping by!

Cowgirl:
It does suck to find somebody to be hot, only to find out they have the IQ of a watermellon. The cashier was very pretty, but, bless her heart, not what I'm really into when it comes to intellectual interests. Personally, I refuse to get involved with another dumb woman. No point, really. I must admit I had a bias going into the date...the high school kid's boyfriend is a bit of a bum, so I figured his cousin might be a bit like him. Not at all - nice girl, but not my type.

Kristy:
I've had that experience, too. Not fun and, yes, teenagers have a long memory...dammit.