Sunday, January 29, 2006

ZenFo Pro Rides the Fence on RILF Tag, Reveals Deep Dark Secret as Punishment

You know...I really want to make myself answer the RILF tag...really do...

I just can't make myself choose. Dammit. So I'll choose all my readers as readers I'd like to...


I figure this will have to serve as my sexual purgatory for refusing to choose which readers I'd like to fuck. (I'm just stoked I made it onto somebody's list.)

Why do I get the feeling I'm going to regret posting this? Oh's too short to care about such stuff.

I haven't even told my four former roomates of mine/best friends yet (all of whom, BTW, have blogs listed in my Blog Roll), one of whom I talked to online tonight.

A Sordid Tale from the Secret Life of the Zenformation Professional

For two years after I lost my virginity, I couldn't remember the girl's name. I was extremely drunk when it happened, at that sort of brown out level of intoxication. I could remember bits and pieces, the date (Dec. 31, 1995), the location (party in an abandoned farm house in Buckingham County, Virginia), sleeping bag (Rainbow Brite) and the fact that she was about my height. But for some reason, I couldn't remember much else.

When I finally was able to remember the event, as a sophomore in college, I felt humiliated. My roommates and I were discussing monumental "firsts" and I couldn't remember that damned name to save my life. What started out as a fun night of drinking ended up being a rather pathetic version of Man Oprah. By the end of the night, I finally remembered her name. Score.

In 2004, I ran into this girl, X, in a bar in my hometown. Recently engaged, X and her fiancee were having a few drinks with her teenage best friend, Y. After about five drinks, while X's fiancee was in the john, I brought up the whole "didn't we have sex once" conversation.

She laughed. While X had intended to have sex when she'd crawled into my sleeping bag that cold December night, she couldn't do anything to get me in the mood. She'd planned on giving it the old private school try in the morning, but I was gone before she woke up.

I was completely embarrassed. Not only had I gone through roommate intervention to remember this woman's name, but it turns out nothing had happened. Worse, my first shot at a physical relationship had been ruined by the dreaded "whiskey dick" syndrome.

I took a descreet trip to the john myself after that. Her fiancee asked me why I was banging my head against the towel despenser.

I went back out and hit the pool tables with Y, a girl I thought was way out of my league when we were teenagers.

The more we drank and shot pool, the more we dug up memories from down Amnesia Lane. After my imaginary cherry picker and her beau left, Y and I started talking about the parties my friends and I used to throw - still legendary, or so I've been told.

Then, out of fucking nowhere, Y punched me hard in the chest and called me a stupid bastard.

Whoops. Turns out I didn't have whiskey dick after all. Wrong name. Wrong girl. I was Y's first, too.

Apparently, Y'd had a rather major crush on me and made her move when I kissed her on a dare. Afterards, she'd gotten up to pee but returned to find X on top of me under the sleeping bag.

While I'd spent years trying to remember the wrong girl's name, the right girl had spent quite a bit of time in therapy over one single, stupid event, thinking she'd given up her virginity to a complete and utter asshole, an event that made her afraid to trust "nice guys" all through college.

Well, that explains why we hadn't spoken in nine fucking years and why she'd quit hanging out, for the most part, with Ms. X. I figure that may also explain the rabid Southern Baptist conversion I'd heard rumors about for years.

I never brought up the fact that I didn't remember any of it. She and I ended the night making out in her parents' basement until her dad nearly caught us. The moment she started nibbling on my left ear, I remembered about 90% of what had happened December 31, 1995.

That's how I should've spent my senior year in high school. I even made it to third base this time - completely conscious.

If Y hadn't had a fiancee of her own, things might have gone a bit farther. I did get a wedding invitation, but Y and I lost touch after that, which is probably for the best.

This is only the second time I've ever spoken of this event, the whole story, since it came up a few weeks ago in a conversation here in Oxford.


Anonymous said...

RILF...hmm, that's a tag I wouldn't bother with even if I made it one someone else's list...

(Besides, I don't think That Boy reads my blog ;-)

Smurf said...

WHy would you be embarrased to post this? You were so aloof that there isnt a reason to be embarrased J. So that talk you and I had about your first that one day... it wasnt the same person? I wont go into detail cuz you didnt here. Isnt it amazing how thing sort of surface out of nowhere? I have experience that a lot lately. Its been interesting to say the least you and i really need to chat soon. I have a lot to tell you. My mom had a stroke. As well as other things going on. My mom should be coming home from the hospital today, I hope. Well, I love you Jay.

Lupe said...

Dude you are never going to live this down. FUCK! Should've just posted the stupid RILF tag.

Yeah. There are evil girls out there, esp. high school girls. And some never grow the fuck up.

Lupe said...

Just kidding dude. can you just feel the sarcasm :)

Youknow I wonder if i just got bumped off the reader fuck list if you ever post one?


EsotericWombat said...

you didn't just make someone's list. You made a lesbian's list. That's like a fucking trophy dude.

KFigment said...

Being that I was part of the original intervention and I believe was also one of the ones to hear the original telling on yet another drunken evening of shame I will say it clearly. The past is what shapes us and those "stupid" things you did growing up are the same things that have made you the amazing man that you are. If you hadn't learned from the past then I would call you stupid. We all have our oh shit what is your name again moments!!!!

Love and hugs


Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

I was pretty sure I commented on this earlier did the comment offend by any chance?

Alice: In Wonderland or Not said...

Anyhoo, what I said earlier or at least something like it as my memory is not all that great for someone my age.

1. I don't blame you for not doing a list I did it with trepidation but then figured what the's only a blog.

2. I think that was s funny story although being drunk the first time of having sex is not the way I would have picked.

3. Cherry picker? Maybe I misunderstood but that kind of offends me. I'm rather sensitive that way.

4. Don't feel too bad for a girl who did it the first time with someone who was drunk, her bad judgement shuld not be your guilt she obviously knoew what she was doing,....all that crap about therapy...I hate girls like that and it's abunch of crap similar to the stuff that causes women to be in the position they still are today...getting paid less for doing the same job.

The ZenFo Pro said...

Lol...That boy's trouble, I tell you, trouble ;)

Ummm...I don't know, really. Nope, not the same person you're thinking of. Yeah, completely different person. Didn't even think about it until I was talking to Kfig online about the name of one of our former neighbors.

I talked to your hubby tonight breifly. Hope your mom is doing better.

No, you're still a all of your roomies. But what the hell is there to live down? You know a bit about my relationship past. Do you think I got as fuckedupity as I've been for years because I fell into normal situations.

This is true. And LEigh is one hot lesbian :) Yeah, surf chicks rule, but, looking at her blog today, maybe somebody else is going to realize that she is a special person too.

Yeah, not so much a reminder of an evening of shame, but a reminder of why I've never been turned on by drunken sex and why I need to quit being such a chickenshit about wanting to want a nice person. It actually was kind of nice to get a bit of closure to something I've always felt guilty about. But you're right, the past is what shapes us.

Actually, talking to you last night and trying to remember the last name else, well, that's what got me thinking...

No worries about memories. Smart people often have memory probs ;)

The list was, well, more about trying to figure out a diplomatic way to decide. Real World v. Blogger World, Local lurkers who I know v. people at a distance, etc. Plus, when I was learning the whole blog thing last May, I posted some things about a relationship I probably shouldn't have. I ran into the ex last semester a couple of times, and she actually made a point of mentioning that she thought all Blogger blogs were stupid, completely out of nowhere. I'm almost 90% sure that I ruined a friendship because of something I wrote here. I get jumpy sometimes because of it. I don't give a fuck about rumors about me locally, but I don'twant to make anybody else the subject of rumors.

Sorry about the cherry picker mix-up. Local Souhern virginia slang for anybody who gets off on taking somebody's virginity.

I feel bad only because I overlooked the obvious. The girl I really wanted wanted me back, and when something did happen, well, I was too damned drunk to at least be there mentally. I'm actually more pissed at X. She knew I had feelings for Y, probably knew Y had a crush on me, and I think intentionally set out to screw things up. One girl's need to be the center of attention almost fucked up two people's lives (Y wasn't religious but an extremely straight-edge gal...X, who I didn't know that well, always seemed to be that "Look at Me, I'm Prettier than my friends" kinda person.)

Lord, long response.

Anonymous said...

How do I get to be a RILF?

Anonymous said...

Um hey. Yeah. I've been reading for a while now and I wanted to let you know that I think you're a sweet guy. And I would totally do you. Like seriously do you. Just quit smoking, k?

~ Girl who introduced herself today in King

The ZenFo Pro said...

Anon # 1:

Hmmm...don't know. Dinner and a movie ??? ;)

Anon #2 (Who's not really anonymous):

Lol...Dammit, I'm pretty dense sometimes. Sould've figured a frigging senior would try the Help Desk to find a book on something as vague as "poetry." Seriously, no problem...if it was for an actual class assignment.

Thanks And the tip. Unfortunately, quitting smoking is sort of out of the question for at least the next few months.