Saturday, May 31, 2008

WORLDS AREN'T BUILT BY
GAME CONSOLES & TV SHOWS:
Of Skilled Labor, Technology, and America's Drive Towards a White-Collar Oblivion

And you tell me, over and over and over again my friend -
Ah, you don't believe we're on the eve of destruction.

- From the protest song "Eve of Destruction,"
As sung by Barry McGuire (Dunhill Records, 1965)
Words and music written by P.F. Sloan

HAMILTON, Ohio (ZP) -- His hands have witnessed their share of pain, of toil and labor.

Those hands of his have scrubbed brushes down to nothing more than a few stubbled bristles. They've painted homes and painted churches, I'm certain, mixed glossy coats for bathrooms in fine restaurants and applied satin finishes to schoolhouse ceilings. And each one of his fingers has pushed putty into nail holes, has been rubbed raw by sandpaper and then bleached by turpentine and mineral spirits.

I can't help but look at my own hands, the blisters and callouses of hard labor beneath a skin-killing sun long gone. I sit myself down on the curb, directly across the street from the bricks-and-sticks canvas upon which the painter works. Maybe it's just the midday sun, or the angles and intersecting lines of his scaffolding, or maybe simply the starched white coveralls, but for some reason I feel as if I'm witnessing the arcane magic that was once called The American Way.

And up on that scaffolding, he is the epitome of the American Man, the Workingman of Lady Liberty's precious womb, builder of the Great Republic's imperial palace ...

It is a grand sight, watching those hands move rollers across brick, witnessing those fingers working fresh paint into an old building, watching the rebirth of something ugly into something alive and glorious.

* * * *

It's what made this country of mine what it is, you know. That old American Way. It's almost extinct now.

All that toil, the hard work, through war and peacetime, through evils like slavery and indigenous genocide, through miraculous things like the drafting of the first great Bill of Rights, through universal suffrage, even the invention of the light bulb. It's how a nation of farmers and trappers, of pulpit-shaking preachers and warrior frontiersmen and gunslinging cowboys, rose up from our fields and factories to harness the power of the atom, to put men on the moon.

Ah, the last dinosaur of a simpler world. Who needs labor when it can be outsourced, imported, or simply invented by a reality TV producer? Survival is no longer a skill; it's a prime-time game show.

For a brief period, in the 20th century, the people of these United States were able to call themselves, as arrogant as it sounds, the Leaders of the so-called Free World. Now, well, we've become nothing more than followers of our own self-importance, trapped in a vicious loop of consumption and glut and greed.

That last dinosaur is all that remains of the hope of a nation. And when the value of a hard day's work finally dies on this continent, in this culture, our children and grandchildren will inherit nothing more than a Land of the Fat, Lazy, and Vain.

* * * *

That old American Way. It's almost extinct now.

Shed no tears, friends, for it was our so-called progress that killed our drive as a nation. We grew fat off of fast food and video game consoles from China. We liberated Europe from Nazi hegemony and Soviet communism and then came home to build our suburbs of conformity, our own race-baiting, class-divisive political machines, our own reflection in a pool of nation-hating terrorists and third-world enemies.

We did it to ourselves, in less than a century, unraveled the fabric of an entire nation's drive and respun it into nothing more than a security blanket of products and pop culture references. We tied capitalism to freedom, married that bastard called the Status Quo to individualistic expression, stitched the ownership of things into concepts like success, happiness, even love ...

It's a marvel that there are still men, in a world of digital workflow and corporate, cubicle-filled bread-and-circuses, who can do such things as simply apply paint to a dillapidated brick facade in the middle of a bustling downtown city.

* * * *

I smoke my cigarette, silent, look back up as my painter, this Laborous, Liberated God amongst the office-bound masses, my tanned reflection of a nation almost gone, directs his crew with those marvelously weathered hands.

"No! You get wrong paint! Go now get me... right color... out... truck."

His English is poor; his swearing, in Mexican Spanish, is perfect. And such a wondrous sound, the profanity of a tongue other than one's own! It's been a while since I've heard the word Gabacho (n., Spanish slang - dirty foreigner) used to refer to my own countrymen by a foreigner, in my own country.

He shakes his head and returns to trimming out windows. His apprentices, his very American laborforce, mumble to themselves as they climb back down the scaffolding. I'm not sure, so far away, if their bitching and moaning has to do with their error, or if these white boys are merely upset that a man with brown skin...

If it weren't for the trickle of immigrants we still allow into this country, we'd be dead by now. If it weren't for those who bring their skin tones and cultures and skills, their brains and reasoning and religion, with them when they come, hell, we'd still be a nation of fur traders, pilgrims, and prostitutes...

... And those scrawny peckerwoods would be flipping burgers for some clown in a suit, instead of learning a trade from a Chicano painter, too.

* * * *

I crush out my Marlboro, stand up and dust myself off. My jeans, I notice, don't get as beat up as they used to when I was a kid, my back doesn't ache as much as it did, and the dust, well, the dust on my jeans almost bothers me.

I was a stonemason's teenage apprentice once, and a carpenter, too. I learned to frame up load-bearing walls with my father and his crews, roasted beneath a molten Virgina sun in red-clay fields where homes were being built, family dwellings created, lives and landscape changed by the very hands of men and women.

But now...

I continue down the sidewalk I hear two middle-aged men, dressed in matching polos, khaki shorts, arguing over some season finale of some network television drama. I pass a woman yelling into a cell phone about how her laptop crashed, home she hasn't been able to check her MySpace page in days. I overhear a young boy begging some distant parent, again via cell phone, for money to buy some new video game.

Ah, the new, supposedly improved American Way.

Labor is to be done by migrant laborers, by those from trailer parks and impoverished rural areas, school districts almost intentionally left behind in the Information Age to allow for a whole class of people, separate from the rest of us and beneath our computerized abilities, to become our redneck slaves, our Mestizo scapegoats, and our broadcast media punchlines.

I was once a stonemason's apprentice, a carpenter-in-training. And if I hadn't gone to college, hadn't been one of the lucky ones with an escape route and a gift for passing the required courses in a bullshit college curricula...

* * * *

I will spend a minimum of forty hours next week, I tell myself, staring into an LCD screen and pretending that data I put into a little black box, that the information I transmit across fiber-optic lines and servers, really means something, that my hands are contributing to the world in the same way as the painters of buildings.

And I know, instantly, that I'm lying to myself. I'm just another dirty, lazy gabacho these days. My hands are as soft as a young woman's cheek, my body weakened by librarian's meetings and the World Wide Web, my soul tainted by the lack of manual labor's intellectual sunburn.

What world is this that we're making for ourselves, anyway?

- # # # -

Saturday, May 24, 2008

ASPHALT AND CONCRETE, TOWNS AND HIGHWAYS:
Road Trippin' with Superheroes, Throwing Away Money, & Indiana's Contribution to Facial Hair

FAIRFIELD, Ohio (ZP) -- The bookstore spun around me. I thought I was going to faint, right there, amongst the magazines and paperbacks.

Grief! Good God, the power of grief! Of witnessing the death of a trusted friend, a childhood mentor!

I'd heard about his murder, sure, back in 2005. Lots of people had. But only then, in the chilled silence of a bookstore, could I handle reading the gory details of his death.

A bullet through the skull, the trigger pulled by a trusted friend. The body incinerated in secret by the assassin's goons. I felt my legs starting to give out beneath me; I planted an arm into a shelf. My throat muscles constricted. I thought for a moment I was going to cry.

And then, suddenly, I was no longer alone.

"The OMAC Project is stellar. Kinda Sad, huh?"

I turned around to see this young woman, Middle-Eastern features with purple lipstick and a nose ring, staring at me with these sad eyes.

She understood. Everybody understands when an icon, fictional or real, dies.

"Oh. Yeah. It's taken me this long to get around to reading about it...Blue Beetle was a favorite of mine..."

I explained, rambled actually, about how I'd grown up reading many of the characters involved, how I wasn't really a comic fanboy type, that it was my birthday, I'd taken the day off from work, and I was just in the bookstore browsing when I saw a copy of The OMAC Project staring at me...

She laughed. And suddenly, I felt awkward, a total imbecilic spaz, as if I'd just told this complete stranger that I lived in my parents' basement and collected fucking Star Wars figurines.

Pretty girls, particularly those who obviously know more about the modern state of comic books than I do, make me nervous. I regained my composure, cleared my throat.

The Silver Age Blue Beetle was one of my favorites growing up, mainly through his short-lived 1980s solo series and the old Justice League International series. Hell, I never wanted to be Bruce Wayne or Batman when I was a kid -- too damned depressing. Superman? Please. The world's full of too many friggin' Boy Scouts. But billionaire IT company CEO and genius inventor Ted Kord, with his nonlethal BB Gun and his flying ship shaped like - you guessed it - a giant blue beetle? Now, that guy had a sense of humor, a flair for sarcasm and nonchalance and sheer love of being, well, a superhero.

And the writers and artists killed him off. One of my childhood heroes. Murdered in cold blood for the sake of plot development.

"So you're a Justice League fan? Oh my God... you HAVE to read this if you are..."

She reaches over my shoulder and pulls down a trade paperback copy of Identity Crisis, Brad Meltzer and Rags Morales' modern opus, one of the most controversial miniseries in comic history. In its pages one superhero's wife is raped and then murdered, another superhero's ex-wife goes crazy, and yet another person near-and-dear to the ol' Dark Knight 's heart loses his father in one of the most gut-twisting series of panels I've ever seen.

I would be buying that graphic novel, too, I explained. I was grateful when it turned out that she wasn't a nosy salesclerk, wasn't trying to get me to hurry up and buy something...

"So you're spending your birthday buying graphic novels?"

I started to come up with some sort of rational explanation. Yes, after my morning fishing trip had been abruptly canceled, I was indeed shopping for graphic novels on my Thirtieth birthday. But I wasn't... I wouldn't...

"That's so COOL!"

And we ended up talking for a good hour after I bought, yes, a few graphic novels as a birthday gift to myself, sharing a cup of joe at the chain coffee shop next door, discussing why, exactly, the Blue Beetle, Booster Gold, and obscure comic book characters sometimes change one's perception of life to the point where real people grieve when those superheroes die on paper.

She even held my hand as I explained how I was about ready to cry when she'd walked up behind me. She said that was the sweetest thing her 18-year-old ears had ever heard come out of a 30-year-old guy's mouth.

Hey, she was just easing my pain. Really. Seriously. I mean, c'mon... what 18-year-old girl would, well, hit on...

Aw crap.

There are worse ways, I guess, to turn the Big Three-Oh. I mean, how many guys get the phone numbers of recent high school graduates slipped to them because they're old enough to remember The Crisis of Infinite Earths miniseries and the day Barry Allen, the Silver Age Flash, died?

* * * *

HAMILTON, Ohio (ZP) -- He says that he's the Nobody Man, that the drugs had done him in and his brains were gone, that he wasn't much of a man without his beer first thing in the morning.

He has a name, he says, somewhere lost in his past. He prefers to cook up new names when strangers pass by, interesting and peculiar names, in the hope that some poor schmuck will hook him up with some drinking money.

Downtown. South Monument Avenue. Beneath the afternoon shadow of Billy Yank, German immigrant Rudolph Thiem's gorgeous sculpture, bronzed and perfect atop the Butler County Soldiers, Sailors and Pioneers Monument Building.

And I give a fresh ten-dollar bill to a Nobody Man, one of the drug-zombified, one of its marginally homeless, one of the City of Sculpture's lost causes. Thiem's sculpture represents the victory of the Union over the separatist southern Confederacy of the 19th century. Nobody Man's face alone could serve as a scarred monument to a nation's failures.

He grew up in the city, this Nobody Man. His grandmother, he claimed, worked in one of the city's legendary, forgotten brothels, back when men like John Dillinger hid out in plain sight in the city's streets, back when the Mob Bosses of Big Chicago turned Hamilton, Ohio, into Little Chicago.

He'd been a soldier once, a factory worker, an inmate, a steelworker, and, always, a drunk. And sometime in the 1990s he found religion in the form of methamphetamine, that marvel of home-cooked, trailer park chemistry. After doing a bit of time in County for, well, being a junkie who never figured out how to dodge possession charges or child support payments, he went clean...

... And he's been on the streets ever since. He shows me his arms. The scabs are gone. And so is, sadly, most of his mind.

He can't hold a job because, well, he hears voices of angels, demons, and biblical characters. He keeps getting evicted from flophouses because, well, he's still substituting the cheap booze for prescription meds he can't afford.

I gave him the ten-spot because he looked like he could use it. I gave him the rest of my pack of cigarettes because he'd asked for one or two, had offered to give me the money back for just a smoke.

Giving isn't about the recipient's intended use. It's something humans do as an unspoken bond, almost as a form of communication. It's how we let people know, without words, that they still mean something, even if the world says that they don't.

Strolling back towards my pickup, a concerned woman, mid-thirties, walks up beside me as I'm waiting for on crosswalk signal. She'd apparently been watching my conversation and exchange with the Nobody Man from afar. And she wanted to voice her unsolicited opinions, too.

"...Honey, that crackhead's gonna just blow that money..."

"...You just threw your money away on a black..."

"...You gotta be careful with those NEE-ggers. They'll rob you around here..."

It's a free country. Everybody has a right to express their opinions. So I expressed a few of my own.

"So tell me, lady: why didn't your mama do the world a favor and just scrape your fetus outta her with a rusty coat hanger?"

If I have to hear somebody else's racist rant, well, I have just as much right to tell that person that I question their very existence, their value in society.

God bless the First Fucking Amendment. And at least ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes made some poor guy's day.

Yeah, it's an evil, barbaric, crude world, lady.

* * * *

LIBERTY, Ind. (ZP) -- Facial hairstyles would not be what they are today if it weren't for the former U.S. Civil War commander who was born here, in this sleepy little Hoosier town.

Former U.S. Gen. Ambrose Everett Burnside, commander, Army of the Potomac, November 1862 to March 1863. First president of the National Rifle Association. Jilted ex-lover of Confederate spy (and Oxford Fucking Ohio native) Lottie Moon. Gunsmith and inventor of the Burnside Carbine rifle. Governor and Senator of Rhode Island...

Fascinating guy, really.

Like I said. Unless you're a U.S. Civil War buff, or, well, have a peculiar interest in really shitty war strategists from that time period, you probably could care less.

Now take a look at that last name again: Burnside. If you flip the syllables, you get the word sideburn. There have been many names for the ol' hairy cheeks look over the centuries, but, now, the English-speaking World over, everybody knows sideburns when they see them.

Elvis. Evel Knievel. Luke Perry. The Beatles. Isaac Asimov. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson...

... And, well, pretty much every schlocky lounge lizard, biker, and disco performer of the last fifty years or so...

It all starts here, baby. Liberty Friggin' Indiana.

"Hey Jason... When you gonna write a Union County thing? We're only a few minutes away, man!" She asked in her email. "We're interesting."

As I stare at the long-dead, long-forgotten general's name on a memorial plaque in front of the Union County Courthouse, smack dab in the middle of a tiny Midwestern town square, I start laughing to myself, almost hysterically, as I instinctively reach up with both hands to feel my own tiny sideburns.

An old man and his wife are sitting on a bench nearby. The old man laughs, hollers my way.

"We gave the world sideburns. And we're damn proud of it."

Liberty Friggin' Indiana.

Well, I'll be damned...

It all starts here, baby. Middle of nowhere in particular.

- # # # -


Saturday, May 17, 2008

GHOSTS OF WOMEN, JUGS OF WINE,
& OTHER MIDNIGHT THINGS:
I May Be Getting Older Every Year, But at Least The Flings That Got Me This Far...

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) – I woke her up at five-thirty in the morning, exactly, fifteen minutes before my alarm clock usually goes off.

I was already awake, so why not just get up and face the day? That's what I usually do when I'm by myself. Why change who I am, just because somebody's in bed beside me?

She rolled over, whined a bit about the time, and kissed me on the cheek. Morning breath. She was worried about what I'd think about how bad her breath was. And, well, jugs of cheap wine rarely leave anybody's mouth, including my own, smelling minty fresh first thing in the morning.

“I could sleep forever.”

“I'm sure you could, hon.”

"Heh, so I'm not just a 'chica' now?"

She stretched, rolled over onto my shoulder, put her nose into my neck. Her hair was still wet from her blonde-to-brunette sinkjob the night before, still smelled of shampoo and conditioner and, well, the added bit of sweat that'd built up over the course of the night.

Well, for whatever it was that'd happened, it'd been a fun night, at least.

“So...”

“So...what?”

“Chica, this is kinda awkward.”

“Well... then let's not be awkward. How about we stay here, like, in bed all day?”

“It's Monday. Work.”

I'd promised her I'd wake her before I left for work, promised that, yeah, this was not going to be one of those things I often refuse to talk about, one of those silent, Let's Pretend It Didn't Happen mornings.

But first, I needed coffee. And a shower. And some Motrin.

I slid from against her warm body, out into the cold air that had filled my bedroom overnight, thanks to an open window.

After I loaded up the coffeepot and flipped the switch, I climbed beneath a scalding spray of water, tried to figure out what had inspired the previous night's accident – an accident on my part, one that, well, no guy in his late 20s should make with someone barely old enough to vote.

It wasn't just the cheap wine. It wasn't the fact that she'd found those old PJ Harvey albums in my living room, or the fact that she'd confessed her secret desire to write poetry for a living. And it wasn't just the conversation, the situation, or even the fact that she looked a whole hell of a lot better as a brunette, either...

She reminded me of someone else, another woman, from the past.

* * * *

Mrs. Kitty was the first person I met in Baton Rouge back in 2002, the first person I knew in all of Louisiana.

She was my height, tall for a woman at five-foot-nine, a brunette, skinny as a rail and as flat-chested, in her words, as a starving board. She had the most beautiful green eyes, just enough wrinkles beneath them to let a guy know that she'd seen hard times. She wore braces, yes, the old-fashioned metal wire kind, and they sparkled as she talked in her thick Acadiana twang.

And, well, the wrinkles didn't lie, either. Kitty did have one mean-ass sonuvabitch of a husband. They'd been high school sweethearts; she'd been an honor student before he'd talked her into dropping out and getting married once he'd graduated. She became a bride, with her parent's consent, at seventeen.

Never met the guy. The only things I know about him come from the things I remember her telling me. He was a cop, a good man most of the time, only cheated on her occasionally (no clue, really, she looked like a Cajun version of Kate Fucking Moss), and, well, for a good man he sure liked to verbally abuse her – she was a fuckin' retard, apparently, because she never finished high school.

First, we'd start talking at the mailboxes at the front of the complex, talk for a few hours about nothing in particular. After a few impromptu discussions we realized that the mosquitoes and the humidity were killing us. And since conversation always goes better with a cold six-pack of beer, we started hanging out in my apartment -- she'd stop by whenever she got bored, which was usually whenever her husband worked nights.

And, well, in Louisiana, there's no such thing as just one six-pack of beer. Conversations, throughout the South, just aren't that short. Ever.

* * * *

Well, chica, I just up and moved to Louisiana, left the West Coast with barely a grand in cash to my name, in a Ford pickup loaded full of everything I owned – exactly 21 boxes of junk, mostly books and those cassette tapes there...

... California squeezed all it could out of me, took my love of journalism and raped it, smashed that love against the corporate rocks. After I left broadcasting, I spent a year pretty much drifting from dollar to dollar, picking up freelance work, odd part-time construction gigs, and, well, I worked quite a few shady jobs as well, most of which I'll never, ever discuss...

... And then I heard about this racket, this Library School thing. I'd loved libraries, had always been a lover and user of the information they contained. And I'd never seen or heard of a librarian paid by way of an envelope beneath a napkin, slid across a table...

So there ya go, chica. Here I am. Waiting for grad school to start, dicking around and being a drifter one last time...

Kitty was, for some reason, fascinated by my strange-ass, often fucked-up stories. To me, they've always seemed boring. Actually, most people tend to find my stories a bit boring, drawn out, and, well, pointless.

But how that woman loved hearing me tell my story – I was the first guy she'd ever met from Virginia, the first guy she'd ever met who'd lived in Colorado and California. And that made me interesting, I guess. She'd never traveled much farther than the Gulf Coast, save for her honeymoon to Florida – her husband spent more time fishing than fucking on that trip, apparently. Tragic.

We'd drink beer, play Twenty Fucking Questions. I got in some of my own, too, learned quite a bit about how to survive living in the City of the Big Red Stick.

Rice and beans? Cheap. Cajun jambalaya? Far superior to the Creole variety. Surviving trips to the Winn-Dixie? Shop for groceries on Sunday mornings, so you can get the best deals before the old ladies get out of church. Abita beer? Goes great with cold boudin, crackers, and, especially, with Southern Comfort...

The more she hung out in my apartment, the more we talked and drank and smoked cigarettes, the more I wondered what husband could call himself a man, if he chose beer and stripper pussy over such a bright, beautiful person. I'd forget that she had a husband. I'd pretend that he wasn't real, or that he was just a placeholder, a stand-in. Again, never met the guy. Never cared to, either.

That was a mistake. A husband is a husband, his wife is his wife, until death or divorce do they part. There are dangers to drinking Southern Comfort straight from a lipstick-coated bottle, late into the night. Especially when you find yourself forgetting all about those two rings on the fingers of the hand that's passing you the bottle.

* * * *

So, yeah. Shit happens.

Late one night, during a horrendous thunderstorm, a mysterious knock at the door, a loud, machinegun-fast series of raps, echoed through my darkened apartment – lightning had knocked out the electricity and, well, I'd gone to be early.

The knock startled me because, well, Kitty was the only person I knew in Louisiana, the first friend I'd made in Baton Rouge... and she was supposed to be out of town, celebrating her wedding anniversary with her husband.

Not sure who was outside, I grabbed my old trusty machete (and yes, I still answer the mysterious late-night knocks at the door with some blade or firearm tucked behind my back), turned on a flashlight, and made my way to the living room...

And there she was. Kitty was soaking wet, as if she'd been wandering about in the rain for hours, black and beige ribbons of makeup streaking her cheeks, dyeing her white teeshirt.

She'd been worked over a bit, slapped once or twice, by her mysterious, anonymous husband. He'd forgotten that they'd planned an anniversary getaway, picked up an extra shift for the overtime, staggered home from the bars just drunk and pissed off enough...

She'd lit him up with a barrage of insults the moment he'd walked through the door. She'd bought lingerie, had booked an expensive room at some fancy inn in Mississippi, even booked a few nonrefundable plantation and museum tours on their overextended credit cards.

So he slapped her once or twice, told her to go over to the faggot librarian's place, to go on a trip with her new boyfriend, the California Boy a few apartments away, the guy she was always hanging out with, drinking with, talking about...

Standing in my doorway, shivering, she explained that she hit him with the heaviest thing she could find – a book I'd loaned her. She'd hit him back, bitchslapped him across the face several times with a hardback copy of Isaac Asimov's Book of Facts.

It wasn't the money or the disrespect that drove her to retaliate; it was the accusation of adultery, a razor-sharp comment he'd made about how she and I were spending too much time together, were fucking while he was at work, that he'd started cheating on her years before I'd moved to Louisiana in anticipation that, one day, she'd cheat on him...

... She'd never thought about it, at least with me, until he'd mentioned it, never thought an educated guy who'd been all over the place could be interested in her skinny Cajun ass...

And she fell into my arms, rain and tears and mascara melting into my shoulder. I held her and told her that, well, if she needed a place to stay, she could always stay with the faggot librarian. She ran her hands up my back, I ran my hands down to her waist, and we entangled ourselves in something, a moment.

And so she spent the night. And we turned her husband's accusation, finally, into a self-fulfilling prophesy, on the floor, on the couch, and on the cheap curbside-recovered kitchen table on which I'm writing these words, six years later, in the magical land of Ohio.

She quit stopping by for beer and conversation after that night. I never saw her at the mailboxes, never ran into her again. And I never even found out what her husband looked like, or if she told him where she'd stayed that night, what had happened. That's probably a good thing. I just can't respect a guy who'd voluntarily choose cutting bait over a night, a lifetime, with Mrs. Kitty.

Just two days before my graduate school orientation, two weeks later, I watched through my bedroom window as she loaded up her little Toyota with a few boxes of her own, as she began her own escape from a life that had sucked her dry.

I figured she'd come by and say goodbye before she left. She never did. C'est la vie. It's for the best, really.

She was the first person I met in the great state of Louisiana, that great city on the banks of the Mississippi, Baton Rouge...

* * * *

I finished showering, dressed, went to the kitchen to grab a cup of my signature, black - as - Lucifer's - jockstrap coffee. The aroma alone could kick in a mule's teeth.

Christ, dude! You're turning 30 soon. Big Three, Big Zero. And she's HOW old? FUCK FUCK FUCK! What a shitty way to blow your New Year's resolution, man...

She'd dosed off again while I'd been getting ready for work, while I was in that kitchen alone with my thoughts, choking down that first cup of java and eating my bowl of oatmeal. I stood by the side of the bed for a good ten minutes, staring in silence, a million fragmented thoughts racing through my mind. I'm sure I looked like some predator, some lurking menace, some skulking creep of a goon...

She doesn't even look like her. She does sorta look like PJ Harvey, though... and...

Christ. Nine-fucking-teen. I felt like a kiddie raper. I still, weeks later, feel that way, to some extent. Just because it's legal doesn't make it necessarily right – if two people have nothing in common, haven't been through some of the same shit, then they probably shouldn't fuck.

Age, really, is just a number; our experiences make us who we are, build our lives up towards our eventual fates. But for some folks, well, when the younger person's experience doesn't even come close to making up for what time cannot...

I finally slid back into my own bed. I'd decided to not tell her the whole truth, to not tell her that Carlo Rossi and her hair and the rain outside had lied to me, in perfect harmony, had turned her into some almost-forgotten Cajun girl from my past.

She rolled into me, awakened by the sudden shift of the springs. There would be no avoiding a discussion.

“So...”

She kissed me to shut me up (women do that often, too, dammit), morning breath be damned. At least I'd brushed my teeth.

“Jason, look, let's just call it good. We're not each other's, like, type, ya know? And, jeez, you're so--”

“Old?”

She kissed me again, longer this time. Her mouth was beginning to taste like mine, all minty fresh, with just a hint of black-as-death French Roast. I didn't notice any morning breath.

“Um, no. You're not old. But you're kinda straight-edge. Cute, kinda, but hella boring, dude.”

“So...”

“So why don't we just NOT talk about it, okay? We had fun, right?”

And with that, she went back to sleep. She wasn't the ghost of Mrs. Kitty anymore. And I fell back asleep, fully clothed. It was seven fucking thirty in the morning. And the birds were chirping outside my window, the neighbors were arguing, and the world kept right on spinning.

I ended up late for work. On a Monday morning, no less. I'm, like, so, like, straight edge that it almost bothered me.

Straight edge? Me?

- # # # -


Saturday, May 10, 2008

THE OXFORD (FUCKING OHIO)
DICTIONARY OF QUOTATIONS:
Super Senior Class of 2008 Edition

Some nights it's just simpler to go home with a bottle of vodka than to go hook up with random guys. Like every Thursday through Saturday... huh... since September.

- VIA EMAIL
Columbus, Ohio
April 22
No comment. Sounds like the perfect Buckeye date, actually.

* * * *
Fuck me! Dad, guess what? Holy fucking shit! I'm graduating! NO REALLY. Oh Wha? No, I wasn't swearing...

- OVERHEARD PHONE CONVERSATION
Right outside my office Thursday
Congrats, chica.
* * * *
Every guy in this town has at least one Germ-X in the Ol' Pee Hole morning.

- TANK FRANKLIN
Uptown Oxford, May 3
Sad but true. Seriously.

I once had a snake brother of mine tell me that he was glad I "looked clean," since I was three guys back in his ex-girlfriend's history. Fortunately we were both rather intoxicated, because, well, the whole conversation left wondering about the guys before me... and whether or not they "looked clean" ... and...

And Oxford Fucking Ohio is just like every other small college town in America. That's the scary part...

* * * *
LIBRARIAN! WE'RE DOING TEQUILA SHOTS, BITCH! I'M FUCKING DONE! This sucks... we could've been hanging out, like, all this time and now - NOW! - we're finally being drunk idiots offline...

- LOCAL U., CLASS OF 2008,
Pre-graduation Party, May 7

I hugged more random women this past week, Finals Week at the Local U., than I've ever hugged in my entire life. And, yeah, trust me, your BFFs are gonna think you're off your meds if you invite that guy you met online to a post Final Exam party.

* * * *
Oh God. I don't think I can get the whole thing in my mouth. I mean, it's sooo big... Hey! What's so funny?

- A CERTAIN GRADUATING UNDERGRAD BLOGGER,
While finally taking shot with another Web 2.0 comrade
Stephan!e has had more blog personas (Ogbuefi Stephi, Free Rad!cal R!t!ngs, Free Rad!cals, This is my Document, The Avocado Couch, etc.) than anybody else in town.

And, well, for a social justice, living wage, and indy media activist, she's... kinda... hot. I mean, well, it's not that I was, well, checking her out or anything, but, heh... the world needs more cute Socialists.

Last time we hung out? December 2005. We just kept saying "Hey, let's go grab a drink sometime..." for three fucking years. And now, well, she's an alum and - sigh! - I'm still a librarian with a blog.

* * * *
You know how much I love Guinness. It is my soup, my cup of tea, my mouthwash, my holy water, my milk for my cornflakes, my maple syrup for my pancakes. It is my first, my last, my deep voiced everything.

From "
They're Wreckin' the Gaff,"
TWENTY MAJOR
Dublin, Ireland, May 9
For those Guinness drinkers stateside (and around the world) who haven't heard yet, the stout's parent company is expected to sell portions of the legendary St. James's Gate Brewery estate and lay off several dozen people as part of corporate restructuring plan.

Money. Screw two-and-a-half centuries of history, boys. Land prices are skyrocketing out on the Emerald Isle and there's quick cash to be made...

I almost cried reading TM's piece Friday. And this lead for a blog post is one of the most gut-wrenching I've read in months. Believe it or not, but, well, their are Irish bloggers who are a thousand times better at storytelling than their across-the-pond counterparts.

* * * *
So does it, like, make you mad when girls my age [19] talk about the 90s like they were ancient? I mean, you don't look bad for your age or anything... though you smell like a guy who works at the mall and he's kinda old... like 35 or something...

- ZFP BATCAVE FINALS WEEK GUEST
May 5, approximately 2:46 AM
I think I'm more pissed I was compared to anything found in a shopping mall than I am about being made to feel like turning 30 this month makes me a senior citizen.

Oh well. Guess I'd better get back to the old folks' home, before I miss Tapioca Pudding Night -- you wouldn't believe the strip show Gertrude does when they put on the Jimmy Dorsey records...

* * * *
Dear Jason,
Editor, The Zenformation Professional:

I'm writing to ask for your help in building a new America. By supporting ______ 2008, you will be helping to bring about change...

- POLITICAL SPAM,
from a local ______2008 supporter,
Before the Ohio Primaries

------
Dear _______:

Okay sick of this shit. Sorry to be rude, but piss off. For the thousandth time, I don't VOTE IN PRIMARIES!!! I'm an independent voter. And I don't participate in systems meant to maintain the status quo of the two-party circle jerk.... P.S. -- I'm thinking about voting for Bob Dylan this year. At least he had the balls to go electric at Newport without anybody else's help.

- THE ZENFO PRO
Shortly thereafter
(After a few rounds in Indiana)
Seriously. I'm not going to endorse anybody for President of these United States, not going to blog about it, debate it, or pretend like any of the folks on the ballot are doing anything but playing the same ol' game to win the White House.

And frankly, I don't care who you, the reader, thinks I should vote for. Please don't feel insulted -- I don't give a shit about who my family, friends, exes, coworkers, fellow bloggers, etc., think I should vote for, either.

Editor? Lord... What part of "It's a goddamn fucking small-town life blog, and I just write when I have time, about whatever fucking floats my boat..." don't some people get?

* * * *
Man, actually, squirrel tastes like squirrel. Ain't nothing wrong with a little squirrel for dinner. Only thing better's poon. Well, sometimes, squirrel's better...

- THE HILLBILLY SCHOLAR
Whilst drinking, Late April
The Hillbilly Scholar, believe it or not, is probably one of the most likable, thought-provoking redneck conversationalists in the Northern Hemisphere. Even the young ladies we were talking to seemed mesmerized by his rural Ohio magic.

And hey, I just love me some deep-fried tree rat. Seriously. Good eats. And, yeah, when the hindquarters are prepared just right, well, it can be better than sex. Don't knock it until you've tried it.

* * * *
Paper. Finished. Need. Tanning bed. Stat. Move to Oregon. I put out. You're cute for a blogger. Thanks for scanning that.

- FROM A WEST COAST UNDERGRAD,
Via instant message, April 16
Well, sometimes an undergrad finds a blog while Googling for information concerning Oxford Fucking Ohio's official response to a local noose-filled art project. And sometimes they email requests for research help because the blogger in question, like, works at a library and wrote an opinion piece that she'd like to cite in a paper.

* * * *
...So, yeah. Fire Biscuit. It suits him.

- WALDO VON NASTY and FATSUIT MCUMMINGS,
Describing how, exactly,
their rather strange roommate
earned his nickname.

Inside joke, but, well, Waldo's girlfriend likes these Quotations posts. Um, yeah. There's a reason why that extra bedroom in my apartment stays empty.

Fire Biscuit? Yep. Fire Biscuit.

- # # # -


Saturday, May 03, 2008

OXFORD CONFIDENTIAL:
On Writing, Drinking, and Writing about Drinking with a Writer who Drinks PBR from an Ancient Plastic Pitcher...

OXFORD, Ohio (ZP) – There he was, this marvelous young writer, this future ringmaster of the American Literary circus, sitting on the other side of the table, chatting away with his siblings about everything but his writing.

No writer, you see, wants to discuss writing or literature after a reading. Most of the time, readings leave writers on edge, or leave the writer contemplative and waiting, patiently, for some armchair critic to skewer his or her art.

Public readings of your work, of your poetry and prose before a group of mostly faculty and friends, can sure take the fun out of writing. And we'd come to the bar afterwards not to offer up critiques, not to celebrate, but to unwind. Poetry and prose readings, well, take an emotional toll on a writer's friends and family, too.

His father squinted in the bar's orange glow, reading the dedication in his son's masterpiece. His mother glanced around the bar in near silence, radiating her satisfaction at having raised such an asshole of a child. His girlfriend sat across from me, and we did the smalltalk thing, and she rolled her eyes when I rambled on about something she clearly wasn't interested in discussing.

Nobody else at our table was drinking, save for Fatsuit McUmmings, his parents, and myself. And while his parents drank their beers with the class and dignity that comes from having put a son successfully through college, the pair of us writers drank in that great Oxford Fucking Ohio tradition --

Cold cheap beer, straight from ancient plastic pitchers.

* * * *

You see, in the Land o' the Buckeye, from the banks of the Ohio River to the dirty waters of Lake Erie, from James Thurber to Rita Dove to Sherwood Anderson, poetry and prose readings are best followed up with Pabst Blue Ribbon and the best onion rings in town.

Places that serve nice sipping wine after a reading, complete with plates of expensive cheese and crackers and hors d'oeuvre platters, are reserved for literary critics, pompous novelists, and the young twinks and college girls they pay to suck them off in between lectures and workshops. Writers, artists, and scholars should, at all costs, avoid such high-and-mighty events. Blowjobs mean nothing anyway, other than an excuse to keep on a-pounding away on writing and drinking.

Why waste a good bottle of wine recovering from a reading anyway? Who wastes good booze on artists? A good Merlot is best held for private moments with lovers, for a rainy evening alone with just a copy of Baudelaire's Les Fleurs du Mal or while dreaming about Chicanas, reading José Antonio Burciaga's essays aloud in the dark.

No, after a reading, after any performance, one should hit up a saloon and drink until the madness of literature is gone. Trust me. I'm a librarian. And librarians know (or should know) these things.

* * * *

Whitman never did this, here in Oxford Fucking Ohio. He died a century too early, without ever having -- GASP! -- heard of that academically-neutered beast we now call Comparative Literature. Ginsberg never sat in this tavern, never stared into the rafters filled with hockey sticks and old jerseys. Allen never howled in the men's room, never gargled semen in the dark corners of the alley outside.

...Well, dude, it's not hard to imagine either man drinking away a Wednesday night with us. And, well, they probably would've been awestruck by Fatsuit McUmmings' reading, too, would've been honored to drink cheap beer, to swap stories...

William Carlos Williams would've been content, to set his Modernist doctor's bag at the end of the peeling hardwood bar for a bourbon. Carl Sandburg would've felt at home singing folk songs, performing Good Morning America into the wee hours of the morning. The floorboards reek of Bukowski and Céline, Albert Camus prowls the shadows. I can smell Steinbeck in the hair of the women from the trailer parks and the flophouses, smell Mark Twain on the college girls and alumni...

When in bars, all men are writers and all writers end up drunk off realistic daydreams of the everyday world...

* * * *

I was, obviously, still lost in that madness of language, still trapped inside the insanity of wordsmithing, storytelling, and other everyday nonsense.

Thank you, cold cheap beer. Seven dollars and fifty cents for one whole pitcher of some bland ambrosia called Bud Light.

Okay now,” the shift manager hollers at me from behind the bar, “You're drinking that pitcher way too fast. Don't make me cut you off...

"Wha...? Uh...why, hon?"

"Because you look seriously drunk."

She wouldn't have cut me off, of course. Though the sight of me, the Cuervo-guzzling librarian, drinking beer is about as rare as seeing the face of the Virgin Mary in a lump of dogshit.

* * * *

“Why the fuck do you drink so much in that place?” many folks have asked me here in Oxford.

“It's so... weird in there, the people are weird, they let in scary people...”

Well, maybe it has to do with the fact that some of those guys cooking in the kitchen sometimes graduate, sometimes write grand novellas and poetry and short stories, those guys who represent the best the ol' Local U has to offer, men who understand that art is made through the toils of the everyday and not through the whimsical nostalgia of the Academy.

Or maybe it's guys working at the door, spinning yarns about hot women and police raids, maybe it's the hot female bartenders who, well, tell stories about trips to China or about catfights in redneck saloons or who, well, occasionally play grab-ass with certain librarians of ill repute.

Hell, I could write a novel myself about last Saturday night alone, about being felt up by a gay man, about being told that, wow, I'm apparently pretty well-proportioned in certain places, about whispering into one sister's ear, half-joking, that I'd love to take her home and break her in half and whispering into the other sister's ear some drunken nonsense about taking her home, too...

Yes, I behaved very badly last Saturday. But it'd make a great story someday. Maybe I'll write about it...

Daydreams whilst drinking cold, cheap beer, straight from the goddamn pitcher. How sweet it is, sometimes, to be free to dream, to write, to think.

Shit, dude, you do get a lot of decent essays outta this fucking place, don't you?


* * * *

I stared down into my almost empty pitcher. Lost. My mind, lost.

I'd been hitting the Bud Light just a little too quick. For all the liquor I can drink, beer is my kryptonite.

Hey! You're usually not this quiet!” Fatsuit McUmmings' girlfriend says. “So what did you think of ____'s reading?

I really didn't know how to answer the question. My mind, lost...

I'd been thinking again, daydreaming within the madness. Singing the body electric within my own mind, absorbing both my song and my surroundings like a sponge.

And I was praying that, yes, by having helped Fatsuit McUmmings edit his work before its final presentation, by showing up to bear witness to his artistry, I'd helped keep the world from having to see another greatest mind of our generation destroyed by madness...

* * * *

So how do you think your image around town as a 'playa'... not 'player' but 'playa' ... librarian,” a colleague recently asked, “...reflects upon your colleagues and this institution...?

Well, somebody's gotta do it.

What do I think
? Hey, don't hate the playa, hate the game. Blame Archibald MacLeish, too, for setting such a miserable example as to the risks librarians are supposed to take, the games they're supposed to play with writers, artists, researchers, and other madmen of knowledge.

He's the former Librarian of Congress, the one who cleaned up that bureaucratic clusterfuck back in the 1940s, the one who won all of those Pulitzer Prizes as a poet, the guy who hung out with the likes of Hemingway and FDR yet never went to Library School, the one who, well, tried to make modern librarianship a part of the modern literary establishment...

MacLeish wasn't much of a drinker. And, well, I do have an ALA-accredited master's degree, which makes me, technically, a librarian. MacLeish never bothered to waste thousands of bucks on the parchment...

MacLeish never lived in Oxford Fucking Ohio or worked with its hard-drinking patrons, either. He's also been dead since the 1980s...

And I don't see too many other librarians – we, the supposed gatekeepers of literature, of the various records of humanity and society – out at 11 o'clock on a Wednesday night, drinking with the folks who will one day produce our next great wave of great books.

All library usage is, at the end of the day, a local phenomenon. How better to understand the natives than to simply embrace them as friends, compatriots, even, at times, lovers? Why hide behind something as silly as a degree and a job title, when it's just as easy to wade into the jungle, to ravage the tender brains and bodies and souls of those asking to be played or who beg for the sweet, satisfying release of knowledge, accomplishment?

* * * *

The party broke up with a whimper and a few hugs. Fatsuit McUmmings and I were the only two left, so we moved our discussion to the bar. The shift manager had just punched out for the night, was just beginning to nurse her first drink.

She joined us, stirred her cocktail, and, as usual, giggled for no reason whatsoever.

I wonder if she was thinking about how much of a fucktard some librarians can be sometimes, especially when drunk on beer? Or if she was thinking about Fatsuit McUmmings, how unliterary he can be when he's got a few pitchers in him, about how, well, he never seems to forget that writing's his real job and that working his way through college as a cook is just, well, a research grant with a bit of beer money thrown in for good measure...

She does this often, just gets these sparkles in her eyes and laughs at the strangest things. Her full-time job, besides working at a bar to pay for school, is as a visual artist.

Pfft. Artists. And their sparkling giggles, their whiskey-cokes, their smiles and their art.

Madness. Sheer madness, built upon the insane foundations of knowledge...

* * * *

So what'd you think? Holy shit, dude, you wouldn't believe how nervous I fucking was...

You did great, man! Now, it's smooth sailing until graduation. And I loved how the e.e. cummings - influenced poem turned out...”

“Fuck! I'm just glad it's over. Man, I'm so ready to graduate it's not even funny.

And then, after the booze kicked in, after our egos had been greased down to an honest purr, then could we discuss writing and literature. And, yes, it was intermixed with crude comments about women's breasts, with references to the overrated genius of guys like Ezra Pound and T.S. Eliot, critiqued some of the mixed-media, post-modernist absurdism that's blanketed the literary landscape for the last few years...

Mostly, however, we talked tits.

Tits are wondrous things. There isn't a straight man in the world who doesn't marvel at both their purpose and their aesthetics.

Yes, motherfucker, yes! We can, yes, still write about tits in this grand Information Age! We can sculpt them from paper and clay, from stone and atop a laptop keyboard! We can drink and be merry and puke in the alleys, be failures and martyrs and cocksuckers. We can do lines off our cable modems, carve sonnets and sestinas and novels into the backs of the spiders of our World Wide Web...

What good is information technology, after all, if we forget that knowledge itself is the key to our own madness, to building our beautiful creations of song and word, that all else is gimmickry and whiz-bang farts into the bedsheets of humanity?

"Hah. Uh, yeah. The librarian's fucking wasted!"

Goddamn writers, librarians, and their swinging cocks full of jism, knowledge, Carl Sandburg's “The Fog,” and jokes about fucking your mother in the ass. Just keep the pitcher's flowing, and neither will have anything to bitch about...

Hey, don't hate the playa. Hate the game, baby, THE GAME!

- # # # -